This morning someone in my family group chat posted a picture of her messy living room after the little kids trashed it with the caption: "This is what my living room looks like <hiding face emoji>" I was feeling a little sensitive and while I normally wouldn't respond, I felt like I was done with complaints about kids and responded with "#blessed Hope my living room looks like that one day." Passive-aggressive? Maybe. But I'm tired of people taking their kids for granted. They're kids. They're going to make a mess; they're going to interrupt your sleep; they're going to come home with snot and fever for at least four months out of the year. That's just life. Enjoy it.
Two women in my community who each suffered the loss of a child in the past two years celebrated incredible miracles this week. One had a girl, one had a boy. Their tragedies brought them close and they were able to get strength from each other. I can only imagine how difficult it is to get to the point of hope and faith to have another baby after such terrible loss. I'm happy for them. I'm sad for me that I'm still waiting but the sadness doesn't take away for my happiness for them.
I'm feeling anxious and antsy. I keep feeling like I'm missing something. Like I'm forgetting to do something and it will have immense consequences when I realize what I forgot.
I'm anxious for results. I want to know already. What takes so freaking long. They already took my money. They said week of the 17th but I was hoping that was an overshoot. The week after is a holiday and I know that if we don't get results before then it will be a ghost town until after the first of the year.
I'm anxious to try again. I'm scared about trying again. I'm scared that after all this wait and delays and treatments and biopsies it will still fail. I'm scared that after all this it will still fail and at that point we won't know why or what to address and won't know what to do to fix it. But if we don't try we don't have a shot at success. If we don't try we won't know if it worked or not.
I feel stuck and stagnant. I just want to feel like I can move on with my life. I'm seeing women who have struggled alongside me planning birthday parties for their 2 year olds. I'm seeing friends my age planning their kids bar mitzvah. I question everything else around my life wondering what life choices brought me to this point and whether I want to keep pursuing something that has been such a massive failure for so long or if I want to cut my losses and just move on without success.
What if I decide I'm done. What if I decide I just won't have kids. Will I live a life of regret? Will I always look back and think I should have tried harder for longer? Will I always feel like I missed out on an enormous piece of life? Will it be all that, but also a huge sense of relief? Will the relief outweigh the missing piece? Will putting an end to the appointments and procedures bring freedom from the anxiety that comes along with them? If I decide to quit it won't feel like quitting, it will feel like taking charge and ending a very difficult chapter.
Only it's not just my decision. And I can't read the future so I don't know what the right choice is. For the time being I'll stay on the path that feels right until it doesn't feel right anymore.
Thursday, December 13, 2018
Monday, December 10, 2018
Monday update
Preliminary results from last week's biopsy were incredibly frustrating. On one hand inflammation seems to have cleared up -- but I don't put much stock in that because prelim results last time said the same thing but actual results had a different story. On the other hand, results also said that my lining is pre-ovulatory. WTH. I don't even understand what that means since it was literally timed with bloodwork and medication. Late last week my doctor asked me to come in for bloodwork to verify whether or not I already ovulated. A day later my actual period arrived, so doc was confident about timing. She said to wait for actual ERA results before being concerned. If results are inconclusive regarding ovulation/lining/timing we may have to repeat the ERA.
Chanukah was last week. It was a beautiful, low-key, high-cal holiday. We hosted two parties. One for family, one for friends. I attended two work holiday parties (including two gift exchanges) and we went to two additional parties. It was a lot. I had so many doughnuts and I'm not at all sorry.
My pottery class is winding down. I enjoyed it a lot and decided to take a second class in the winter session. I told a few people about it and they're like, "What? for that amount of money you could buy 10 vases!" Clearly these people don't get it. For me it's not about the end product, but about the journey getting to it. It's art. It's a hobby. It's something else to think about for three hours a week instead of worrying anxiously about the what-ifs. And at the end if I happen to get a vase or a mug out of it, all the better.
Since we didn't get to go to Atlanta because of the procedure, I'm trying to see if we can do a Florida trip in January. I need a change of scenery and now that we got our points back, I want to use them. It doesn't look like there's a transfer any time soon in our future anyway.
Some upsetting news about a family member thinking of moving. I know they have to do whatever is best for their family but my nieces and nephews are really important to me and I'll be sad if they end up moving away. It's not sad news, just a difficult transition for me.
I decided to pull the trigger and join the gym. It needs to happen. I have to work out more often and it's just not happening at home. My goal to start is to get in 30 min 3x week. Eventually I want to be working out 4-5x/week for at least 45 min each, but I know I need to work my way up to that because if I bite off more than I can handle I just won't go at all. Reaching goals start one step at a time.
Chanukah was last week. It was a beautiful, low-key, high-cal holiday. We hosted two parties. One for family, one for friends. I attended two work holiday parties (including two gift exchanges) and we went to two additional parties. It was a lot. I had so many doughnuts and I'm not at all sorry.
My pottery class is winding down. I enjoyed it a lot and decided to take a second class in the winter session. I told a few people about it and they're like, "What? for that amount of money you could buy 10 vases!" Clearly these people don't get it. For me it's not about the end product, but about the journey getting to it. It's art. It's a hobby. It's something else to think about for three hours a week instead of worrying anxiously about the what-ifs. And at the end if I happen to get a vase or a mug out of it, all the better.
Since we didn't get to go to Atlanta because of the procedure, I'm trying to see if we can do a Florida trip in January. I need a change of scenery and now that we got our points back, I want to use them. It doesn't look like there's a transfer any time soon in our future anyway.
Some upsetting news about a family member thinking of moving. I know they have to do whatever is best for their family but my nieces and nephews are really important to me and I'll be sad if they end up moving away. It's not sad news, just a difficult transition for me.
I decided to pull the trigger and join the gym. It needs to happen. I have to work out more often and it's just not happening at home. My goal to start is to get in 30 min 3x week. Eventually I want to be working out 4-5x/week for at least 45 min each, but I know I need to work my way up to that because if I bite off more than I can handle I just won't go at all. Reaching goals start one step at a time.
Saturday, December 1, 2018
ERA/EMMA
On Friday I went in for the biopsy. It was a short day and even though I took the day off work I crammed in a lot of errands after the appointment so I never had a chance to type it up.
My appointment was scheduled for 9 am. The waiting room still had a few monitoring stragglers but they seemed to be running on time. The doctor called me back herself, not a nurse or a med assistant. They first did the obligatory pee stick test to make sure there's no pregnancy. By the time we were settled it was about 9:30 am when the actual biopsy was taken. I've had it 4 times before (once while under during this past summer's hysteroscopy) so I knew what to expect.
As the doctor and nurse were getting things ready, we chatted about next steps and she answered a few of my questions. We went over paperwork, signed a few forms, and did the procedure. They needed to go back in a second time because there are several samples going out to a few places and they wanted to make sure to have enough. It's so uncomfortable and painful as they're doing it - the best I can describe it is getting so cramped up that it feels like you might have to poop even if you don't have to go. It's a weird feeling. As soon as they stop the pain goes away and is replaced with period cramps that get milder as time goes on. I didn't even cry this time from the procedure.
Then we talked specifically about the results. If it comes back that the inflammation is cleared up, then the next step is a transfer. If not, then we'll take the information the results give and apply it next cycle, pushing a transfer to late-Jan or later (depending on what treatment is needed). My doctor said that at that point she herself will be on maternity leave. I said congratulation and smiled - genuinely happy for her. She said she'll still be involved and will give me her cell number. At that point I started to crumble. It was partially a delayed reaction to the hurting procedure, partially because she just cares so much. I started to tear up, and when I knew the waterworks were coming, I knew I could no longer talk without going into full sobbing. She thought that I was upset because I was feeling abandoned but it was the opposite - I so much appreciated how much she cared. She said that if my transfer happens to fall out during her leave that she'll try to come in for it. I managed to squeak out, oh you don't have to do that. To which she responded that she wants to. That just made more tears come and all I could do was nod.
The doctor left and the nurse was finishing up with the packing of the biopsy. She brought me tissues and said she understand how hard this is because it took her six years to get pregnant. She said, "I was on that table 19 years ago." When she left I let myself cry for real while I got dressed. I took a minute to calm down and left. Cried some more in the car. I've repeated the story a few times over Friday and it makes me tear up every time.
It wasn't the physical pain of the procedure that got to me; it was 100% the emotional part. It's a really hard journey. Finding a doctor who is so committed and professional and exudes so much care at the same time is truly a blessing.
One second of the exchange with my new doctor was more compassion we've had during our three years at the old clinic combined. Speaking of, on Friday morning I randomly received a check-in email from my last nurse at the old clinic asking what's up. I'm debating whether or not to answer. I don't really owe them anything, let alone an answer. On the other hand maybe I want them to know that they missed such an important piece of my treatment.
So now we wait a few weeks for results and see where the path leads us next.
My appointment was scheduled for 9 am. The waiting room still had a few monitoring stragglers but they seemed to be running on time. The doctor called me back herself, not a nurse or a med assistant. They first did the obligatory pee stick test to make sure there's no pregnancy. By the time we were settled it was about 9:30 am when the actual biopsy was taken. I've had it 4 times before (once while under during this past summer's hysteroscopy) so I knew what to expect.
As the doctor and nurse were getting things ready, we chatted about next steps and she answered a few of my questions. We went over paperwork, signed a few forms, and did the procedure. They needed to go back in a second time because there are several samples going out to a few places and they wanted to make sure to have enough. It's so uncomfortable and painful as they're doing it - the best I can describe it is getting so cramped up that it feels like you might have to poop even if you don't have to go. It's a weird feeling. As soon as they stop the pain goes away and is replaced with period cramps that get milder as time goes on. I didn't even cry this time from the procedure.
Then we talked specifically about the results. If it comes back that the inflammation is cleared up, then the next step is a transfer. If not, then we'll take the information the results give and apply it next cycle, pushing a transfer to late-Jan or later (depending on what treatment is needed). My doctor said that at that point she herself will be on maternity leave. I said congratulation and smiled - genuinely happy for her. She said she'll still be involved and will give me her cell number. At that point I started to crumble. It was partially a delayed reaction to the hurting procedure, partially because she just cares so much. I started to tear up, and when I knew the waterworks were coming, I knew I could no longer talk without going into full sobbing. She thought that I was upset because I was feeling abandoned but it was the opposite - I so much appreciated how much she cared. She said that if my transfer happens to fall out during her leave that she'll try to come in for it. I managed to squeak out, oh you don't have to do that. To which she responded that she wants to. That just made more tears come and all I could do was nod.
The doctor left and the nurse was finishing up with the packing of the biopsy. She brought me tissues and said she understand how hard this is because it took her six years to get pregnant. She said, "I was on that table 19 years ago." When she left I let myself cry for real while I got dressed. I took a minute to calm down and left. Cried some more in the car. I've repeated the story a few times over Friday and it makes me tear up every time.
It wasn't the physical pain of the procedure that got to me; it was 100% the emotional part. It's a really hard journey. Finding a doctor who is so committed and professional and exudes so much care at the same time is truly a blessing.
One second of the exchange with my new doctor was more compassion we've had during our three years at the old clinic combined. Speaking of, on Friday morning I randomly received a check-in email from my last nurse at the old clinic asking what's up. I'm debating whether or not to answer. I don't really owe them anything, let alone an answer. On the other hand maybe I want them to know that they missed such an important piece of my treatment.
So now we wait a few weeks for results and see where the path leads us next.
Monday, November 26, 2018
Natural cycle: continued
When I got the results from monitoring last Monday, things were going slower than anticipated. That continued to be true all week. Day 18 was Friday and I was called back for monitoring. It was swamped. There was only half the staff because of the holiday weekend but just as many people in the waiting room. The doctor who did the ultrasound measured the lead follicle at 17 and said "We'll likely see you tomorrow" but wanted to wait for labs to come back to make sure.
Coming in on a Saturday is tricky for me. Some people avoid it all together but I'll use whatever religious loopholes are available in order to keep the cycle on track and still keep Halacha. Just because I choose not to drive on Saturday doesn't mean I can't arrange for someone else to drive me. Because they were so swamped on Friday, I expected to wait longer to hear results, but after noon passed I was starting to get nervous. If I need to make arrangements then I need to know soon, especially since a lot of people were out of town and my default go-to person wasn't available. At 1 pm I called the nurse's line and left a message. At 2 pm I paged the nurse on call. All the while worrying about the what-ifs and different scenarios.
Worst case scenario, I do need to come in this Saturday and I don't have a ride in place. Best case they would tell me to come back Sunday for more monitoring. All the while keeping in mind that whatever happens this weekend, 6-7 days later is next weekend where not only do we again have a Saturday issue, but we also have plans to be OUT OF TOWN. Never did I imagine that the cycle would be this long or I would never have made plans to fly somewhere else.
Finally at 2:30 someone returned my calls. They were waiting for my doctor to weigh in because even though she was out for the holiday she still wanted to be informed on everything and decide the next step (isn't that amazing?). My doctor made the call that based on my blood work results, I should take the ovidrel on Friday and come in 7 days later, the following Friday, for the uterine biopsy. It took me by surprise because I thought the lead follicle needed to be at 20 for something to happen but I guess it didn't. Luckily I had ovidrel from my Aug IVF cycle that was still in my fridge. I took it at 3 pm and made sure to note the time in case it becomes relevant in the FET cycle.
So one stress averted - don't have to go in on either Saturday. The next stress is scheduling the actual biopsy. I was advised by the nurse to call the scheduler on Monday to make sure to get on the schedule for Friday. I've been calling all morning and left two messages so far and no one is responding. I'm assuming they're catching up from the weekend, but c'mon. You're a medical office and someone should be picking up the phone. I'll keep calling but it's frustrating. We're trying to see if they'll take us early enough that we can still make the getaway over the weekend. It's a slim chance but I don't want to cancel before I know for sure.
I know they likely won't have appointments before 9 am because of monitoring. The flight is less than 2 hrs but it's a short Friday. With unpredictable delays and getting through an unknown airport, even without checked luggage, I don't want to risk getting too close to Shabbat. I'm comfortable flying before noon, but there are no flights before 1:30 pm on the airline we're already booked on and switching to another airline will cost about $720 for one way. While I'm fairly certain we're canceling the trip I'm having a hard time doing that and letting everyone know before booking the actual appointment.
Coming in on a Saturday is tricky for me. Some people avoid it all together but I'll use whatever religious loopholes are available in order to keep the cycle on track and still keep Halacha. Just because I choose not to drive on Saturday doesn't mean I can't arrange for someone else to drive me. Because they were so swamped on Friday, I expected to wait longer to hear results, but after noon passed I was starting to get nervous. If I need to make arrangements then I need to know soon, especially since a lot of people were out of town and my default go-to person wasn't available. At 1 pm I called the nurse's line and left a message. At 2 pm I paged the nurse on call. All the while worrying about the what-ifs and different scenarios.
Worst case scenario, I do need to come in this Saturday and I don't have a ride in place. Best case they would tell me to come back Sunday for more monitoring. All the while keeping in mind that whatever happens this weekend, 6-7 days later is next weekend where not only do we again have a Saturday issue, but we also have plans to be OUT OF TOWN. Never did I imagine that the cycle would be this long or I would never have made plans to fly somewhere else.
Finally at 2:30 someone returned my calls. They were waiting for my doctor to weigh in because even though she was out for the holiday she still wanted to be informed on everything and decide the next step (isn't that amazing?). My doctor made the call that based on my blood work results, I should take the ovidrel on Friday and come in 7 days later, the following Friday, for the uterine biopsy. It took me by surprise because I thought the lead follicle needed to be at 20 for something to happen but I guess it didn't. Luckily I had ovidrel from my Aug IVF cycle that was still in my fridge. I took it at 3 pm and made sure to note the time in case it becomes relevant in the FET cycle.
So one stress averted - don't have to go in on either Saturday. The next stress is scheduling the actual biopsy. I was advised by the nurse to call the scheduler on Monday to make sure to get on the schedule for Friday. I've been calling all morning and left two messages so far and no one is responding. I'm assuming they're catching up from the weekend, but c'mon. You're a medical office and someone should be picking up the phone. I'll keep calling but it's frustrating. We're trying to see if they'll take us early enough that we can still make the getaway over the weekend. It's a slim chance but I don't want to cancel before I know for sure.
I know they likely won't have appointments before 9 am because of monitoring. The flight is less than 2 hrs but it's a short Friday. With unpredictable delays and getting through an unknown airport, even without checked luggage, I don't want to risk getting too close to Shabbat. I'm comfortable flying before noon, but there are no flights before 1:30 pm on the airline we're already booked on and switching to another airline will cost about $720 for one way. While I'm fairly certain we're canceling the trip I'm having a hard time doing that and letting everyone know before booking the actual appointment.
Monday, November 19, 2018
Natural cycle: day 14
There are a lot of things frustrating me and I need to vent so let's get right to it.
First of all, the natural cycle ERA is going slower than anticipated. They estimated day 14 for ovulation but the largest follicle is only 10 mm. So everything is pushed until until follicle is close to 20 mm. I have to go back on Friday for more monitoring. Not only am I annoyed that I have to wake up early and go in for monitoring on my day off, but I'm also annoyed that now the biopsy is delayed until 11/29 or 11/30, depending on when I finally ovulate. And what happens if they overshoot and accidentally miss ovulation? It's not a crazy thought but I know they are pros and know what they're doing so I'm not even going to bring this up.
We're supposed to travel the last weekend of November. Because sunset is so early these days, I booked the earliest flight out on Friday the 30th. If biopsy ends up on that day we will have to cancel our plans. I know this takes priority and I'm definitely not skipping an appointment, but I'm also really done with all this taking over our lives. Also, it was delay delay delay for two months and suddenly there's a 5 min procedure that might ruin an entire weekend.
I was annoyed at having 8 people ahead of me this morning even though I tried to make an effort to be there early. Between that wait and then the second wait for bloodwork, the appointment was nearly 90 minutes.
It's busy at work because of the shortened week and everyone is stressed. There's a specific person that gets under my skin and I have to work hard to not let it get to me. While I'm open to the possibility that it's me, I'm hearing issues with this coworker from other people too. I'm keeping my supervisor informed but I can't go complaining for every little issue, and there's usually at least one thing to complain about per day.
It's Thanksgiving season. It used to be one of my favorite times of year. Two years ago that changed with the Wegmans incident, where our fourth FET ended in another failure. It's family time and I'm feeling the weight of our losses on my shoulders. It's hard not to think of the what-ifs had any of our FETs stuck. I'm tired of the wait. I'm tired of the limbo. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of failing.
They say you should count your blessings. I am grateful for each and every one. I try to focus on the positive. I try to stay hopeful. We've been through 8 IVFs, transferred 7 embryos in 6 FETs spending well into the 5 figures resulting in 4 miscarriages over 3 years in 2 clinics waiting for 1 miracle.
First of all, the natural cycle ERA is going slower than anticipated. They estimated day 14 for ovulation but the largest follicle is only 10 mm. So everything is pushed until until follicle is close to 20 mm. I have to go back on Friday for more monitoring. Not only am I annoyed that I have to wake up early and go in for monitoring on my day off, but I'm also annoyed that now the biopsy is delayed until 11/29 or 11/30, depending on when I finally ovulate. And what happens if they overshoot and accidentally miss ovulation? It's not a crazy thought but I know they are pros and know what they're doing so I'm not even going to bring this up.
We're supposed to travel the last weekend of November. Because sunset is so early these days, I booked the earliest flight out on Friday the 30th. If biopsy ends up on that day we will have to cancel our plans. I know this takes priority and I'm definitely not skipping an appointment, but I'm also really done with all this taking over our lives. Also, it was delay delay delay for two months and suddenly there's a 5 min procedure that might ruin an entire weekend.
I was annoyed at having 8 people ahead of me this morning even though I tried to make an effort to be there early. Between that wait and then the second wait for bloodwork, the appointment was nearly 90 minutes.
It's busy at work because of the shortened week and everyone is stressed. There's a specific person that gets under my skin and I have to work hard to not let it get to me. While I'm open to the possibility that it's me, I'm hearing issues with this coworker from other people too. I'm keeping my supervisor informed but I can't go complaining for every little issue, and there's usually at least one thing to complain about per day.
It's Thanksgiving season. It used to be one of my favorite times of year. Two years ago that changed with the Wegmans incident, where our fourth FET ended in another failure. It's family time and I'm feeling the weight of our losses on my shoulders. It's hard not to think of the what-ifs had any of our FETs stuck. I'm tired of the wait. I'm tired of the limbo. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of failing.
They say you should count your blessings. I am grateful for each and every one. I try to focus on the positive. I try to stay hopeful. We've been through 8 IVFs, transferred 7 embryos in 6 FETs spending well into the 5 figures resulting in 4 miscarriages over 3 years in 2 clinics waiting for 1 miracle.
Monday, November 12, 2018
Natural cycle
We started the natural ERA/EMMA cycle. The protocol calls for an ultrasound on day 10, plus possible blood work. Once the follicle reaches 20mm in diameter, if an LH surge is detected, then biopsy will be scheduled 6 days later. If no LH surge, then I need to take Ovidrel and the biopsy will be scheduled 7 days later. Whatever we do for the ERA cycle will be repeated for the FET.
It takes 15 days for the results but we won't start a transfer cycle until it's confirmed that the inflammation is cleared up. We'll need to wait and find out the results of the EMMA to see if there is still inflammation present and, if so, treat it correctly once and for all.
Over the weekend I got a text from someone telling me to keep a mutual friend in mind while she undergoes emergency surgery. Her baby was born two weeks ago and she's suffering from some unknown infection or delivery complication. I have no idea what specifically but the situation sounds terrifying. The more horror stories I hear about pregnancy and delivery the more I feel like I should be reconsidering whether it's something I want to fight so hard for. There's so much time to think that it's impossible not to let the mind wander to the worst case scenario. I don't think that's what would make me back out but it's very scary and has been preoccupying my mind lately.
It takes 15 days for the results but we won't start a transfer cycle until it's confirmed that the inflammation is cleared up. We'll need to wait and find out the results of the EMMA to see if there is still inflammation present and, if so, treat it correctly once and for all.
Over the weekend I got a text from someone telling me to keep a mutual friend in mind while she undergoes emergency surgery. Her baby was born two weeks ago and she's suffering from some unknown infection or delivery complication. I have no idea what specifically but the situation sounds terrifying. The more horror stories I hear about pregnancy and delivery the more I feel like I should be reconsidering whether it's something I want to fight so hard for. There's so much time to think that it's impossible not to let the mind wander to the worst case scenario. I don't think that's what would make me back out but it's very scary and has been preoccupying my mind lately.
Tuesday, November 6, 2018
2018 Elections
Why vote?
Is it important?
Is it to feel heard?
Is it to share my say?
Is it to send a statement?
Does it make a difference?
Is it to exercise my right as a citizen?
Is it because I'm motivated by recent events?
Is it because of what I'm hearing politicians say?
All of the above.
#vote
Is it important?
Is it to feel heard?
Is it to share my say?
Is it to send a statement?
Does it make a difference?
Is it to exercise my right as a citizen?
Is it because I'm motivated by recent events?
Is it because of what I'm hearing politicians say?
All of the above.
#vote
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