New Normal

It's been a few weeks of trying to get into a routine. Our new normal means we're not sleeping through the night yet. It could range anywhere from a 4-hour stretch twice a night or waking up every 90 minutes. This past week he had a cold so he would sneeze or cough and wake himself up. Welcome to daycare.

We're doing well with breastfeeding. Basically eliminated all the formula supplementation and even started a small freezer stash. Not that I'm suddenly making so much more, but I think there's just enough. I still pump but not as often. I'm pumping at work and sending that to school the next day so I need to figure out freezer stash rotation.

Our new normal means trying to get out the door with all the stuff by 7 am. So far we haven't made that yet. Since we're not on a schedule it's impossible to plan. If he has a good night but only wakes up at 7:15 am I'm not going to wake him. Also it's winter so it's cold and dark out which isn't a huge motivator to get out the door.

Our new normal means that my work day is very tightly scheduled. My hours were changed to accommodate the daycare schedule. That means that I need to be on time so that I can leave exactly on time to make it there for pickup. During the day I'll also pump or go visit him to nurse. This means I'm leaving meetings early and delegating tasks that conflict with my schedule. I hate declining things but I do when they're set for after I'm scheduled to leave.

Our new normal means that sometimes I'm so tired that I fall asleep with my eyes open during meetings. Or that I get dizzy. Or, my favorite, that I can't control my emotions. I've already had a teary session at my desk or two. It can be for any reason, such as I miss my baby or because someone is being annoying and I find it frustrating.

These days a shower is a luxury. The phrase "... with toothpaste!" has been heard. Grocery shopping has become its own beast: remembering what we need; getting out to buy it; finding energy to cook it. I've had help with cleaning. I feel like I'm juggling so much and it's just so much to keep track of just dishes and laundry, let alone dusting and toilets.

While there are challenges to our new normal, I love it. He's growing up so fast. It feels like every other week he's getting a growth spurt. He's still gaining weight but he suddenly got so long that it stretched out all his chub. He seems satisfied and happy so I'm not going to supplement unless I hear we need to. I have nothing against formula but if he doesn't need it then why push it.

It's still so hard to leave him every day. I know he's well cared for but that only makes it a tiny bit better. If I could afford to work part time so I could be with him, I would. As it is, we're stretching to make daycare payments so it stings even more to hand off all that money when I wish I could hang out with him all day. I never thought I'd want to be a stay-at-home-mom but a lot of things have surprised me about myself in recent years.

I want to enjoy every minute, especially since they seem to be zooming by. I work on being patient even at my most exhausted. I don't necessarily have a goal in mind for how long I want to nurse but I don't want to wean him for the sole purpose of trying again. There will be time later to deal with the roller coaster of treatment and all the anxiety that comes with it. I want to give him my undivided attention for as long as is reasonable and just enjoy the chaos of our new normal.