Grumpy

I woke up grumpy and breathing fire. I'm having trouble being comfortable or sleeping. Our toilet is leaking and I'm having trouble getting a plumber to call me back. I started the day by yelling at my husband and then felt guilty and regretted it.

I have a strong dislike of small talk. Especially with someone I don't want to talk to. Some coworkers have the most boring stupid stories and I don't want to sit through listening to it but social norms dictate that I must. I also strongly dislike that it comes under the premise of "how was your weekend" and when I don't want to talk about mine I just say "great thanks" but when I don't elaborate they start talking about their own. Or I feel forced to take the spotlight off me by asking "how was yours" and then I'm suffering through a horrible 5 minute story about their weekend trip to whatever corn maze or birthday party. Or some other horrible activity. I don't care. I'm not interested. Leave me along with your horrible boringness. Being cranky is part of it, being grumpy from lack of sleep is also part of it, hormones probably, but I've always found some people's chit chat uninteresting if I don't know/like/care about them. I know it makes me sound like a witch, and I probably am to some degree. This is something I have very little tolerance for and I'm actively working on it... through gritted teeth. Today doesn't feel like the day to start up with me.

In other news, there's some work stuff going on and I'm feeling fomo. The supervisor and my coworker have kids who are the same age so they spend a lot of off time together. It's like Rachel from FRIENDS and the smoking thing - if you don't smoke you're not in on the good conversations. The other team members aren't the type to feel like they want in on the know - they're happy to be brought in on the loop when something is relevant to them, and if it doesn't get to that point they don't care. I care. I like knowing things that are relevant to my department. I get that it's complicated with not liking chit chat. But in general I like being included and involved but I don't want to feel like I'm constantly pushing my way in to the inner circle. It's a position you're either invited into or not, you can't force your way in. The more you try to force your way in the more you get pushed out.

I've vented most of the steam and now I'm just tired and sad. Nostalgic about the end of one stage coming near; anxious about the next stage; excited to start a new chapter.