He's here

and he's perfect. 

Hope to have a chance to write up the birth story before the details fade but it's hard to type with my hands full, Baruch Hashem. There have been some ups and downs, like an unscheduled c section, a short visit to the NICU, followed by another visit to the peds ER. A long week is an understatement. But the highs overwhelmingly outweigh them all. We have a son and he's incredible. 

There have been so many tears over the past week. Mainly tears of unbelievable joy and wonder at how incredibly lucky we are, how so very cute he is, and the profound feeling of gratitude.

It was all worth it. Every single shot, every procedure, every disappointment that got us one step closer to this little guy. We are so, so, so in love.

Sukkot

It's Erev Sukkot and we're nearly ready. The sukkah is up, the food is prepared, the house is clean, and we're ready for another holiday. In the background there's an undertone of excitement for what's to come: bags are packed and we've arranged the cars correctly in the driveway, just in case.

On Friday when I lit candles I cried. I cry a lot these days. Happy tears, emotional tears, excited and nervous tears. For what's to come, for the what ifs, for the changes about to take place. We're very aware about how our lives will change. For the better IYH but still very different. We will be different as our roles in life change. We've been a family of two for over twelve years. We love our family of two, and we'll love our family as it expands, but it's still a change and change is hard.

My energy is great. I've been feeling totally like myself. There's no action at all. The only indicator that anything is different is that I fall asleep and wake up at random times. The other night I slept from 7 pm to 1 am, and then again from 5 to 7 am. Yesterday I was up at 3 am after falling asleep at 10 pm. It's random, and I usually try to give it about an hour in bed before I inevitably get up and putter in the kitchen, most of the times to bake something. The other indicator is the mirror, and that doesn't lie. It took a while to look different, I think not until 2/3 of the way there.

To all celebrating, chag sameach!

Grumpy

I woke up grumpy and breathing fire. I'm having trouble being comfortable or sleeping. Our toilet is leaking and I'm having trouble getting a plumber to call me back. I started the day by yelling at my husband and then felt guilty and regretted it.

I have a strong dislike of small talk. Especially with someone I don't want to talk to. Some coworkers have the most boring stupid stories and I don't want to sit through listening to it but social norms dictate that I must. I also strongly dislike that it comes under the premise of "how was your weekend" and when I don't want to talk about mine I just say "great thanks" but when I don't elaborate they start talking about their own. Or I feel forced to take the spotlight off me by asking "how was yours" and then I'm suffering through a horrible 5 minute story about their weekend trip to whatever corn maze or birthday party. Or some other horrible activity. I don't care. I'm not interested. Leave me along with your horrible boringness. Being cranky is part of it, being grumpy from lack of sleep is also part of it, hormones probably, but I've always found some people's chit chat uninteresting if I don't know/like/care about them. I know it makes me sound like a witch, and I probably am to some degree. This is something I have very little tolerance for and I'm actively working on it... through gritted teeth. Today doesn't feel like the day to start up with me.

In other news, there's some work stuff going on and I'm feeling fomo. The supervisor and my coworker have kids who are the same age so they spend a lot of off time together. It's like Rachel from FRIENDS and the smoking thing - if you don't smoke you're not in on the good conversations. The other team members aren't the type to feel like they want in on the know - they're happy to be brought in on the loop when something is relevant to them, and if it doesn't get to that point they don't care. I care. I like knowing things that are relevant to my department. I get that it's complicated with not liking chit chat. But in general I like being included and involved but I don't want to feel like I'm constantly pushing my way in to the inner circle. It's a position you're either invited into or not, you can't force your way in. The more you try to force your way in the more you get pushed out.

I've vented most of the steam and now I'm just tired and sad. Nostalgic about the end of one stage coming near; anxious about the next stage; excited to start a new chapter.

October

We made it to October. The weather is starting to turn to fall and things are getting real.

My doctor does not want me to go past my due date so if nothing happens on its own they will induce on that date.

We're nowhere closer to agreeing on a name. There's a list of vanilla names neither of us is keen on. There's no frontrunner for me; there's a name-to-beat for him but I don't think either of us is sold on anything in particular. Maybe when we meet the baby we'll get more clarity. In the back of my mind I think we're still somewhat in disbelief that it's happening so it's hard to commit to something abstract.

Rosh Hashanah was really nice. We got through it with no incidents. Yom Kippur is next week, with Sukkot coming up shortly after. My freezer has a bunch of stuff but I'm still cooking because I feel ok and fresh can't be beat.

Minor dramaz at work but I'm trying to steer clear. I have so few work days before I go on leave that it doesn't seem like a good idea to stir the pot. I'm very curious and I want to know details and all the good gossip, but I think that keeping my mouth shut and hands clean is a smarter choice.

Shabbat shalom and shana tova!