Change

Change is really hard. Even good change. Yesterday I had a difficult time.

After my appointment I was feeling really good: the weather was beautiful, I caught a great song on the radio, there was no traffic on the way to work. Overall very chipper and content. I knew there would be a down to the up, but I was enjoying the moment.

As soon as I got to work my mood took an almost immediate turn. The new person hired for my department, to take on some of my tasks while I'm out but then continue beyond, was in my area. I'm not gone yet. I felt overwhelmed and suddenly claustrophobic. I was immediately thrown into training her full time. I felt suffocated. I need to give her so much information in such a short amount of time and she wants to chat about personal stuff. Asking me questions like has it been an easy pregnancy and where am I planning to deliver. I don't want to chat. I barely want to talk. I want to set you up for success but not too much that you'll take over my job.

I tried to balance my feelings of being overwhelmed from all the change and knowing that this is all new to this person also and trying not to be a bitch to her. She was trying too hard to connect and the more she pushed the further I wanted to be from her, physically and otherwise. It was a very challenging day.

My biggest issue was feeling overwhelmed with all the changes personally and professionally at the same time. I felt like things are spinning out of control. Today I feel like I have more of a plan to discuss with my supervisor at our meeting tomorrow to get a better handle on things. 

Elul

In less than ten days we'll be celebrating the Jewish new year. Rosh Hashanah starts on Sunday night, September 29. This month is a time of reflection, taking stock, and doing some introspection. On the other end of the holiday is October, a month we've been talking about for a while.

I'm planning to host the first night at my house. The alternative was walking somewhere and that didn't feel like something I want to do. The other three meals are up in the air, and default is being home just the two of us. I'm ok with that but I may reach out to my neighbors to see if anyone wants to do potluck.

Renos are officially over, praise be. We got the cleaning crew in twice to get all the dust out. I didn't love the floors at first but it's definitely growing on me, especially with the new rug and throw pillows.

The new person in my department is starting next week. I'm working on not having a hard time adjusting, accepting change, and losing control of my position and physical space at work. I'm trying not to think about the fomo I'm feeling right now because it will hopefully be replaced by something bigger and better which is the reason I'm taking leave to begin with.

Thursday Thoughts

The new floors are in. It's taking time to get used to them. They're darker than anticipated and let's just say there may have been an hour long crying session about the color. There has been a lot of crying in general. Most of it irrational. It feels weird to cry about stupid things when there are actual issues going on in the world. Not that I try to stop it - the tears come when they feel like it.

I did some retail therapy and got a rug and some new throw pillows. I think it will look nice once everything is done and the house is back in order. It's been stressful having everything all over the place and people in the house all day; basically the opposite of nesting.

With the mess in the house we've been doing takeout more often. I noticed that we've kind of gravitated toward more vegetarian friendly meals. Last night I ordered crispy eggplant and veg lo mein. The night before I got a roasted veggie wrap. I wonder if my vegetarian friends are rubbing off on me or my palette is just off these days.

I started stocking the freezer for the upcoming High Holidays. So far I made challah, unstuffed cabbage (meatballs with sauce), chicken stuffed with veg, and three types of cookies. Salads, fish, and sides be made fresh.

I've been working on being positive for the weeks ahead. Not only wanting to believe this may be happening but also wrapping my mind around the huge change about to take place. Physically, emotionally, hormonally.

Making arrangements for leave at work has felt like a challenge. Under normal circumstances I would have severe fomo about what's happening without me. But these aren't normal circumstances and I want to plan to be fully in the present taking in the entire experience with whatever that entails. I wonder if checking in every so often may be helpful in the transition of coming back, but I don't know if that's more harmful than helpful, not really being fully present in one place or the other. I think it will have to be a game-time decision and I'll have to do what feels right in the moment.