Persistent Endometritis

Yesterday I drafted a post about how drained I was feeling. Emotionally exhausted and mentally spent. The constant rain, the seemingly endless holidays, the lack of routine, and the perpetual wait for results all having something to do with my mood.

But I didn't post it because it didn't feel fleshed out. I feel numb in many ways, but then I'll get a burst of energy and get so much done. I watched part of the hearings yesterday and felt a slew of emotions not only for those testifying, but for all of America and how broken the country is right now. I felt like my personal fatigue is a luxury our nation can't afford. That sounds more dramatic than I mean, but the post has a complainy vibe to it that I wasn't happy with so I put it aside to maybe look at again with fresh eyes.

Then this morning I got a results update from my second CD138 stain and it came back showing persistent endometritis. Of course. I'm in the 20% of the population that didn't have it cleared up with the first go around of antibiotics so they're putting me on a stronger dose for twice the time.

As numb as I thought I was, there's nothing like being told there's a delay to bring on the sting of tears. I'm obviously on board with wanting to clear this up before moving forward. The more it comes up the more convinced I am that this is probably the cause of our RPL. Still. That doesn't soften the blow of knowing that we've just added another month+ to the wait before a transfer. What happens if it doesn't clear up? I asked my doctor that question even though the answer scares me.

I feel lucky and conflicted at the same time. I feel lucky that we have something tangible and (hopefully) fixable that we can work on. We have a defined plan and timeline to hold on to while we wait. Having to wait in between cycles is really hard but at least there's a finish line. It's difficult that the finish line keeps moving. So long as it's somewhat visible, though, there's still hope. 

I'm waiting to hear back how long after the ab treatment, if any wait, is needed before they can retest. I'm preparing to be told that they want at least a few weeks after the end of treatment before another biopsy, which delays it more by yet another month.

The original schedule was:
Aug retrieval
Sept CD138 retest
Oct ERA
Nov transfer

Now we're looking at:
Oct antibiotics treatment
Nov CD138 retest again
Dec ERA
Jan transfer

This requires an infinite amount of patience, hope, and stamina which I just don't have right now. Maybe I'll find some calm at the bottom of a pint of ice cream.

Results and next steps

We got genetic results back. Of the four embryos sent for testing three are healthy and transferable. To say that was surprising is a complete understatement. I was so upset when they got "so few" eggs! I braced myself for another busted cycle even while hoping for the best. When we got close to end of the embryo growth stage and it was possible we'd have 4, even 5, embryos biopsied it was amazing. Even more amazing to get the genetic results back that they were 75% are healthy. Amazing. We're obviously thrilled with the news but we're very, very guarded. Embryos don't mean babies... we already know that. I'm really happy it was not a busted cycle after all.

My headaches have gotten less intense since I started the bp medication but they're not gone completely. I followed up with my pcp who sent me in for a CT scan. All looked ok in the scan. She said if they persist she'll send me to see a neurologist. I'm hoping that with the weather changing it will continue improving without needing any more intervention.

Today I went back for the CD138 stain retest. There's an 80% chance the inflammation cleared up. If not, then we go another round of antibiotics. My gut flora is already unhappy. I found some probiotic yogurt and hoping it will help.

If it is confirmed that the inflammation is cleared, we start the natural ERA next cycle. My doctor went over the schedule for the next few months. Each step gets us a little bit closer to a transfer. Embryos in the freezer contain so much hope and possibilities. But I know we need to risk one for a transfer. I know. Just scared it will end up like all the other transfers. My doctor is very optimistic and it's helping to keep me positive.

Rosh Hashana 5779

Sunday evening was the first night of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year. In past years I've posted about the upcoming holiday and our hopes for the coming year, but I wasn't feeling it this year.

I feel like I came into the holiday with a different perspective this year. Not defeated, but one of acceptance. Whatever will be, will be. I will pray for what I hope will happen, but I know that ultimately it's not up to me. It's not within my control.

An older friend lost her husband last week. He was in his 40s or 50s and ill from chemo but the passing was incredibly sudden and completely unexpected. She is devastated. The burial took place in Israel right before Rosh Hashana. Shiva was observed locally and when I went to see her she was fiddling with his wedding band and holding on to one of his shirts while sobbing.

I know things can turn in an instant. For good or otherwise. I think this friend's crisis brought that home for me. Only He is in control and He is the one that decides. I can only do my best. I go to my appointments, take my medications, and pray for the best outcome possible. The rest is up to Him. In the meantime, I don't want to take the blessings I have for granted. Somewhere deep down I still have hope. I don't think I'm numb but I do feel more reserved with my emotions.

I'm still hopeful; I still want things to work out; there are still things I pray for. But this year I didn't go into the year with the blind optimism of before. It's been a tough year, weighed down by the baggage of past losses. I feel very grateful for the blessings we've been given and I've turned the focus on finding the happiness for what we do have.

May this year bring happiness, health, prosperity, success, and luck.