Vaca

I'm off work until July 10. Woohoo! I started it with a mani/pedi.

Shabbat shalom and happy summer!

Appointments, errands, progress

For the first time since May 19, the date of the ultrasound which changed everything, I started really feeling like myself.  I still carry the baggage around but at least I'm starting to see beyond the fog. What attributed to this change? I can't pinpoint an exact moment it happened, but I think it has a lot to do with things going on this week. 

Sunday we did something out of the ordinary for us and went kayaking. It was way out of my comfort zone to plan a bbq and go with a big group and figure out all the details of who's bringing what. I ended having a slight meltdown yelling to my husband about someone on the way, but after that it was such a non-issue and ended up being a lovely day. 

 

I bookended appointments both Tuesday and Wednesday before and after work that it basically became the week of -ists: dermatologist, dentist, therapist, cardiologist.  My friend suggested that maybe I missed having daily doctor's appointments. It does seem like it, right? It's not intentional, honest.

I started Tues morning with an appointment at the dermatologist. They removed a cyst/mole of sorts that I've had for years. It was entirely cosmetic but I haven't wanted to deal with it in the past because stitches would interfere with mikvah, plus the location on my thigh would make it annoying for fertility treatment with docs poking around. I figured now is a good a time as any since those are both currently irrelevant. It was a quick and easy appointment and I got to work early. After work I went to see the infertility therapist. I could write a whole post about that appointment, but I'll summarize it instead. Pros: it was good to talk to someone who knows all the people and terminology. Even though she's not directly related with the clinic, she knows all the doctors and nurses. She's sympathetic and easy to talk to. The office is well organized and convenient. Cons: I didn't really see the point. She's not going to fix anything or change the past. In her assessment she says that I need to give it time. I left feeling ok and scheduled for another appt in a month. I don't immediately see the benefit but I'll see her again on the chance that there may be one. Biggest con is that she doesn't accept insurance.

 

Wednesday was also busy. I started the day getting my permanent crown put in post root canal. Another thing happily crossed off my list. Then I went to a brit/baby naming. This was a friend who got married for the second time and just had her first baby. We were asked to kvatter but turned it down. I stopped accepting for non-family. It's nice to be asked but bittersweet. Anyway, one of the baby's grandparents is a big deal in the community so the place was packed. There were easily 300 people there - it was a big party. Everything was decorated in "baby boy" colors and decor. It was beautiful and I felt overwhelmed but not so much that I had to run out. Or cry. It was encouraging rather than not. I'm not sure I can explain it. After that I went to work and called the dentist because the crown put in earlier needed adjusting. I ran back to the dentist at lunchtime to get it fixed, then grabbed a bagel and headed back to work for a few hours before going to the cardiologist for the stress tests.

 

My office is closed next week and I'm planning out the week so I don't have too much down time to mope. I also have several vacation days I'll lose in Sept if I don't take them so I would really love to take a vacation. My husband has the opposite problem - he's barely got enough vacation days to scrape together a weekend getaway. It's so discouraging to try to plan a trip and keep hitting a brick wall (for time off, expenses, zika-free location) but I've been freshly motivated to try to make it a reality. We're still trying to save a lot of my husband's vacation days for a big trip but right now I'm focusing on getting a breather and a change of scenery, even if it's just a couple of days.

 

Today marks 5 weeks since the d&c. Still waiting for AF to show up. I'm still not sure what to do with the next cycle: IVF 6 or FET 6. Both are good options. Both are intense in different ways. Both have pros and cons. I can also skip a cycle to extend the break and just take more time to think about it, though the idea of delaying indefinitely doesn't sit well either. 

Microblog Mondays: Business

I admire people who have the discipline and motivation to work at home, either for a company or for themselves. Entrepreneurs are visionaries who are able to make their dreams a reality with a lot of hard work, ambition, and getting up when they inevitably get knocked down.

In my current job I can't work from home every day because I need to be in the physical space of the office to get my work done properly. If I did work from home, I already know I wouldn't get dressed most days in addition to getting easily get distracted by things like dishes and laundry. Still, I appreciate the people fighting for equal rights, not only for equal salary but also equal opportunity in the workplace so that one day when I am ready I may have that opportunity myself. The world becomes a better place every time a woman is entrusted with a leadership role.

People cope with loss in lots of different ways, but there's still some taboo on discussing infertility. I think one reason is because people feel they may be treated differently once others know they're struggling. There's no such taboo on talking about business and failed attempts at careers. Maybe one day I'll run a business that pays more money, but for now I see my current business as building a family. It makes me happy to think of our path this way.

Heart doc

Wednesday officially marked 4 weeks since the d&c which puts us right in the start of the "4 to 6 weeks" for the return of my period. While we're waiting we're thinking of next steps.

I went to get checked out by a cardiologist. Mainly for s&gs hoping he'll have nothing to tell me. I was uncomfortable with chest pressure on my left side during the short pregnancy. Both my RE and PCP dismissed it as gas but before we try again I wanted to make sure it's not something more serious. Especially since the symptoms didn't go away entirely even after the pregnancy ended.

He went over my history, did a physical exam, and an EKG. I think it's a good sign that I was able to talk about the miscarriage without falling apart sobbing. I got a little teary but I was able to hold it together - point one for me!  My blood pressure was a little high and my heart rate was a little fast but nothing that made him concerned. He did see a few blips on the EKG but called them normal.

He mentioned there's a chance the symptoms are related to anxiety. He suggested doing a stress test and echocardiogram to rule out anything serious not picked up by the EKG. I told him I usually have a history of high BP readings the first time. I realized I shouldn't have to explain that to every doctor, and if I am then maybe there is something to it. Either way I'm not opposed to these tests so now I'm waiting to hear back from insurance to make sure they're covered.

Still trying to get an appointment with the therapist. We started out with phone tag last week. She left me a voicemail saying she's usually seeing patients all day so better way to reach her is via text or email. I texted on Monday telling her my preferred times. She texted back Wednesday that she will email me office info. I responded to the email this morning and haven't heard back, so I texted this evening and heard back shortly after that she's been seeing patients all day and will get back to me with availability.  At this point I'm considering trying to find someone else who has more time to answer a call and schedule an appointment. Maybe she's so busy because she's really good?  I don't know. Sounds exhausting to start over so I'll see this one through for a first appointment. If my symptoms are anxiety-related then I need to make sure to manage them with a therapist. Hopefully I'll have more answers in the coming weeks.

Hump day

Sometimes I like to people watch, like while waiting at the checkout line in the grocery store. I'll look around and want to know about the people around me. What's going on in her life today? He looks like he could use a vacation. If only they had a blog then I'd be able to know what's on their mind.

 

Conversely, sometimes I'm just not in the mood to participate in the world. When people ask me what's wrong I wish I had a canned answer that wasn't vague or dismissive. I forget that people in my world don't know about my blog and how they can just go there to gauge the temperature of my mood day to day. I feel like if I give out the url I won't be able to be entirely honest or open. I'd be writing for an audience, intentionally censored, and I don't want that. 

 

I originally started this blog because I wanted to connect with other people in similar situations. Over time it evolved into a space where I can organize my thoughts and rehash things as many times as I want without risk of fatiguing my support group. An added bonus is that it keeps me grounded and honest to myself. You can pretend you're ok at work or just go about your routine in life, but what point is there in lying to yourself?  Writing helps me recognize the truth in how I feel about some things. Even when the conclusion is that I don't yet know how I feel. 

Speaking of feelings, I've been finding it difficult to schedule with an infertility/loss therapist. Those that I've reached out to have been dragging their feet in calling me back. School is out, camp hasn't started, and I think everyone in the world is on vacation right now. Today I'm doing ok so I'm once again reconsidering the need for a therapist. Overall I think it's a good idea so I'll give it another try.

One year ago

Last year on June 20 marks the first time our fertility treatment took an encouraging turn: it was our third transfer and the first time we got a positive beta. We were ecstatic yet cautious because beta was only in low sixties. We believed it would work because it was the first that stuck. Unfortunately, it was the first of three miscarriages. The second beta a few days later showed that the numbers had gone down and instead of a pregnancy we spent the summer doing injections for two consecutive ERA biopsies.

In November, we were encouraged again with our fourth transfer when our beta came back in the four hundreds. Wow! We continued to hope as the numbers more than doubled at second beta. Then the rug got pulled from under us when I started spotting and the third beta came back in the 20s. It was discouraging and disheartening. I'm not sure how we went on but somehow we got through it as we processed our feelings through a second chemical pregnancy.

Then we started IVF 5, followed by FET 5. This time it really stuck. We had great numbers. Numbers doubled and got so high we were told to schedule an OB ultrasound. We got past the first ultrasound with no issues at all. We were nearly 8 weeks along and thought this was actually the real thing. And then there was the second ultrasound. The day started with excitement and ended in utter devastation. The following week included a D&C to remove the "product of conception" and four weeks after that brings us to present day.

One year.  It's been a rough year. A really, really tough year.

Each try brings us a little bit further along only to end in disappointment. It's really hard to keep going through the bogus successes. Each time we get good news I worry about when the disaster will strike. It's dreadful.

Pregnancy loss is truly horrible. Part of it is wanting something so badly, and admitting that you want it by pursuing it with all your heart, body, soul, and bank account, and then failing. Part of it is not only the failure of what is (treatment) but also the failure of what could have been (child). Part of it is feeling older every time there's a failure and feeling the biological clock ticking, no matter what age you're at. Part of it is the mental anguish of putting faith and hope in a system that has really sucky odds, with more losses than wins.

I'm learning that it takes more than just moving on logically and physically to be able to try again. I learned that I need to be able to visualize us being successful in order to be able to start up everything again. Each step individually is no big deal: coordinating the meds; figuring out insurance and payments; starting injections; going in daily for monitoring; the daily wait for results; egg retrieval anxiety and recovery; embryo progress reports; genetic test results. The big deal is all of it together all at once in the time span of only a few weeks while being hormonal and emotionally invested. It's more than wanting to build a family; it's also wanting to not feel stuck in an awful chapter of your life playing in repeat.

I  was always led to believe that I am capable of achieving anything I put my mind to, but that doesn't account for being unable to solve problems beyond our control. I'm not ready to stop trying but I'm also not ready to start again. Beside for worrying about when my period comes so we can try again, I worry that my body will be ready before my mind. I'm not going to rush it though. I know going in that there's a very real chance the next try may also not succeed and I need to be ok enough to handle that.

I used to completely believe that if we try enough times we will be successful. But with every loss I grow more cynical. I fear that one day I won't be able to believe that anymore. I stress about being able to continue affording treatment. I dread what this is doing to my body long term. I panic when I think about everything we've gone through and second guess every decision that led to this point. I'm scared that we may one day have to face a reality that it's just not working. It's what keeps me up at night. It's what makes me panic. It's what keeps me from believing that there's a path to building our family because today I just can't see it.

Bedroom decor

I came across #MicroblogMondays on other blogs and even though it doesn't look like everyone follows the inaugural post rules entirely, I decided to join in and see what the buzz is about -- after all, it seems to be around since 2014.  It's never been an issue for me to find the time or something to write about, but every so often I feel the need to take a break from rehashing the same cycle of thoughts over and over.  So for me, I will try to keep Monday's posts about anything but fertility treatment.

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I've mentioned before that I want to make some changes to our bedroom decor. I started the process last year but put it on pause because we were considering some major renovations, like knocking down walls and adding a master bathroom. For now, we've decided to pause any additional construction because we don't want to take out any additional loans so I'm free to finally upgrade our furniture which is long overdue.

My taste has only slightly changed since last year and I'm happy to report I'm still considering gray wood furniture. I already have it in my cart online, but I've been following this furniture store for months now, browsing their selection and comparing prices, and I know that they have sales right around holidays. I just missed the Memorial Day sale so I'm waiting for the July 4th sale to finally pull the trigger.

Not ok

This morning I had an appointment to get blood drawn so they can continue to monitor my hcg levels go down. I dreaded having to go back. I didn't want to deal with traffic or the parking lot. I didn't want to sit in the waiting room. I cringed at the thought of the smell of the clinic. It's not an unpleasant smell, it just brings a rush of memories every time.

But, feeling like I need to be a responsible adult, I went. I was 15 min late to my appointment but I didn't care. Whatever. I was only one of two in the waiting room so clearly they weren't swamped. Maybe everyone else got pregnant and moved on.

My second favorite tech J called me back. She can get blood most times. I figured it would be quick in and out so I can get to work on time. As she was getting prepped she asked how I'm doing. I appreciated that she cared to ask. I said I'm doing ok and averted my eyes so she couldn't see they misted over. She tried twice and got nothing. They called over my fav tech T who usually gets it on the first try. She tried twice and struck out. Four sticks in, I joked that maybe we should call over the front desk people to give it a try. Meanwhile I'm thinking this is is someone's idea of a terrible joke and how much I don't want to be here anymore.

They decided to escalate it to a nurse, and agreed among themselves to go get nurse K. It happens to be that nurse L was walking past and they flagged her down. She came over, chipper and chatty, hands on hips jokingly asking if I'm the "trouble maker." We've never met before. I saw on her lapel that her name tag says her title is Donor Nurse Coordinator. Interesting choice, universe. She settled in and started with small talk. Up until this point I felt proud of myself for keeping it together, especially whenever someone new walked up and asked me how I'm doing.

Nurse L then asked conversationally, "So what day stim are you on?" and for some reason that trigger just broke me down. I was heaving with sobs. I was shaking. I couldn't help it. It's been several hours and thinking back on it and typing it out still makes me tear up. She immediately realized her mistake. Between sobs I managed to get out that I had a D&C a few weeks ago. Tech J came rushing over with tissues and started to rub my arm. Nurse L kept saying she's so sorry. I wanted to tell her that it's not her fault but I was having trouble speaking. There's no way she could have known. There's no way I could have warned her that a simple question like that was a trigger for me because even I didn't know.

Trying to calm myself down I kept saying I'm ok so that she could continue to do what she needed to get blood. It took a minute for me to stop shaking enough for her to get the tourniquet on. I think I was trying to convince myself. But I'm not ok. I managed to calm down enough to answer her question: "I was on IVF cycle 5," I said. "I was 8 weeks pregnant when they couldn't find a heartbeat." I felt it was important for her to know why I broke down. I didn't want her to think it was her fault but I also felt it needed justification. I also needed to say it - I can't deny or avoid what happened. She was able to get blood with one stick - 5th time's a charm - on the back of my hand. When she was done she gave me a big hug and said again how sorry she is, almost crying herself. It was actually the first time in that clinic that I've ever felt some kind of emotion from a staff member, so while I'm slightly embarrassed it happened and a little sorry for ruining her morning, at least I left feeling like someone cares.

Last night I was debating if it was really necessary to find a therapist for me to talk through this with. Now I know it's not an issue of if but when. I'm clearly not over it. I may be moving on logically and physically, but I'm carrying around the emotional baggage on my sleeve and I need help moving on.  I gotta get my head back in the game if we want to try again because as things stand now I am not ready at all.  I had no idea it would be this hard to move on. I'm not quite sure what I'm holding on to. I'm hoping that with the start of my next period, essentially the last step of FET 5 and the first step of the next cycle simultaneously, I'll be able to officially close the door on this awful chapter.

Bloodwork results came in and my hcg levels are down to negative. Halleluja.

Current outlook

It's officially summer and I'm bummed that I'm not more excited about it. I used to love the weather, the beach, the mental break. But we haven't planned a vacation, pools gross me out, and there are mosquitoes everywhere. Ew.

My mood and mindset has been interesting. I couldn't fall asleep one evening (unusual for me) and my mind was wandering. I was wondering what goes through people's mind when they contemplate ending their life. To clarify, I'm not suicidal. I don't want my life to end or do any harm to myself or others. I was thinking that I can't do that to my husband. I certainly can't do it to my parents. It was a fleeing thought about pain management and how people deal with their issues.  

I had part I of my root canal last week. I had part II this morning. Both were painful. I can't remember last time my face didn't feel in pain. Is this just my life now? I've been living on milkshakes, because it hurts to eat anything else. I've been trying to avoid medication, but I caved and started on ibuprofen. This evening the pain got really intense and I dipped into my post-surgery meds stash. I have almost 98% of it since I barely used it and hopefully it will help me sleep. 

Work life has been rough over the past few days. My coworker has been fired. The firing wasn't a complete surprise, but the way it was handled was shitty. Her replacement was hired a few weeks ago, and despite being instructed that it was confidential until told otherwise, she told a few people who then told others and eventually it leaked to the person who was getting fired. So awful. While I'm not actively concerned about my position, it does make things feel unstable and I know anyone is replaceable. I've discussed my career ad nauseum (here, here, and here for starters) but part of the reason I stay put is because of the flexible schedule and how it fits into fertility treatment. I don't regret it but when they pull stunts like this it makes me feel icky about working for a place like this.

No news on Period Watch 2017. While no longer nidah, it's still complicated with regard to halacha without birth control. I estimate it could come around first week of July.

I've reconsidered refinancing and taking out a HELOC. I don't want more debt. It's not like we're barely keeping afloat but things are snug. I don't want to accrue anything additional to student loans, mortgage, and car payments. We're lucky we've been able to keep the credit cards clean and our credit scores high. Our house may not be beautifully updated but it's good enough for now. Hopefully as time goes on it will continue to rise in value. We'll be able to refi with cash out or just move and buy fresh. No one says we're stuck here forever. If I can afford the maintenance, I want my next home to have a pool. In the meantime, I will do what we can afford to pay in cash. If it takes a while to get things done then so be it.

I've had a very much "what's the point?" attitude lately. Nothing matters. I don't care about most things. I don't think I'm depressed but I'm probably right on the border. I'm giving myself the weekend to mope and then starting a new routine. Today I joined a gym and I hope to work out regularly. I also cleaned out the cabinets and the pantry. I want to make a menu plan and then go shopping. I don't think I feel blue, I just feel numb. Then I see something like the burning building in London or the baseball game shooting and I realize my problems are small potatoes. My root canal will heal; my mood will improve with time; we will eventually become parents. My problems are what I've been handed, so that's what I'm dealing with. 

Recent movies: Beauty and the Beast, Colossal, Passengers, The Big Short

Recent books: The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo by Amy Schumer, True Faith and Allegiance by Tom Clancy

New 'do

Changing up the blog style for summer. Also planning to put in some highlights in my hair and schedule a mani/pedi. Need to spruce things up so I can start enjoying the season.  Fake it til you make it, right?

Over it

Physically I'm doing ok. No bloating, no headaches, regular bathroom visits. I've even lost two lbs of puffiness since the procedure. I'm motivated to work out and eat healthy (haven't started yet but definitely motivated!) and feel good overall. Minus the root canal - that hurt a lot and Tylenol is helping and it's already healing.

Mentally, not so much. I've been struggling emotionally. I stopped caring about a lot of things. I stopped caring about avoiding gossip. I stopped caring about the reasons behind halacha. I stopped caring about being spendy. I stopped caring about keeping the house spotless. I just don't care. Nothing matters. Why should I try? It doesn't matter. Whatever happens is going to happen. Whatever is in the plan will happen regardless of what I do. It feels like any effort I put in is irrelevant.

My husband suggested that maybe I should see a special therapist for infertility. I guess I could use a hand figuring things out. It feels exhausting to have to explain everything to someone new. It's also possible my hormones are still oscillating. And it's normal to be sad for a while after a loss, though I don't want to obsess about this forever. Maybe I'll give it a try.

Our paperwork from the second clinic came in. Our appointment isn't for a few weeks and I didn't want to deal with it so I put it away for now. Another new person we need to tell it all to. Maybe I'll just print out a copy of my About page.

I'm so tired of tests and shots. I'm over it all. I'm over the smell of the clinic. I'm over the bills. I'm over the anxiety waiting for results. I'm over the physical roller-coaster. I'm over being an emotional wreck. I'm so over the failures.

Event and RC

Last night was my big work event. There were so many snafus: flooded dressing rooms; electrical blowouts; rider issues; diva manager problems... the list goes on and I can spend an entire post talking about each but most importantly is no one knew about these problems except internal staff. For everyone else, the event went off without a hitch and we received nothing but positive feedback. I was on my feet for 9 hours on Wednesday and nearly 14 hours on Thursday. Exhausted doesn't even come close to covering it. Happy it happened and happy it's over.

I had purposely scheduled my root canal for this morning hoping that I'd be so tired I might sleep through it. No such luck. It was uncomfortable but for the most part it felt like a filling on my part. Once my lip woke up it felt very sore.

There's drama happening in my office. I think now that the big event is over things are going to start getting real. I'm worried and interested in what's going to happen.

My nurse emailed me this morning asking how I'm doing. On one hand I appreciate the check in and want to believe she cares. On the other hand I can't help but think it's just a perfunctory email she sent because her outlook calendar reminder popped up, set in place when I told her it felt like no one at the clinic cared about our failures. It's hard to believe it was only 3 weeks ago that we went for that awful ultrasound where they couldn't find a heartbeat and everything fell to pieces. I responded that I'm doing ok physically but it's been harder to bounce back emotionally. No response. I'm ok with that: I don't need them to care, just help me succeed in what I'm trying to do.

With the big event behind us, my work schedule changes to summer hours. I have a few projects I want to get to this summer, starting with solidifying a workout routine. I don't want to join a gym for a year but I also know I haven't been good about working out outside, so I may need to suck it up and just join. Along with that I have to stop eating junk food as my main food group. I also want to try to get financing and sketches for some home renovations. During the pregnancy I kind of panicked thinking about getting these much-needed renovations done before a baby comes. I don't want to feel unready like that going in to the next try.

Ten years ago tomorrow we got married. Happy 10th to us!

No mo meds

For the first time in over ten years I'm completely off of any medication - no hormones, no prenatals, no additives or preservatives: nothing. It feels amazing. I don't know if my body knows how to react. In fact, I noticed an itchy patch on my ankle the other day which I thought was a bug bite but noticed it had sightly spread the next day. I asked the dermatologist (I had an appt anyway, I didn't go just for this), turns out it's late onset eczema. Who knew.
Connected? Unlikely.
Coincidence? Probably not.
I don't know, but it's interesting.

Spotting from the d&c stopped completely and I was able to go to the mikva, so I finally got rid of my Pesach pedicure. Felt like the last piece of the transfer prep was gone. I didn't intent to keep it as long as I did, but for some reason I was holding on to any piece of the time pre-transfer, when things were simpler.

The other day I had plans to meet a friend for lunch and in the morning I noticed I was looking forward to the day. For the first time in a while I didn't feel like a big gray cloud was following me around. I didn't feel guilty for being happy; I felt surprised. I suppose there is truth to the saying "time heals all wounds." It's not that what happened isn't sad or isn't still with me. It's all still there. But I'm able to talk about it without crying or falling apart. It's only when I get to a trigger that it bothers me to the point of discomfort.

One of my biggest concerns if this pregnancy failed was watching my coworker progress in her pregnancy. I noticed that it's not babies that are a trigger; it's the belly bumps. Babies or children don't bother me at all - once it's out the child is its own person. For some reason I've associated the bump with our failures since none of my pregnancies lasted. My coworker has been amazing and supportive, but everyone around her just really sucks. We sit three feet apart and people come up to her desk to comment on her belly or tell her how cute she looks or start a conversation about birth plan or nursery or daycare or whatever. It's not her fault mine failed. But it's such a trigger for me.

If I can avoid it by walking away or taking a phone call, I do. Sometimes it happens out of nowhere and catches me off guard like a punch in the gut. I try to turn it to motivation, to fire and strength for the next go, but overall it's hard. It's hard to hear people my age say they're dunzo in the kids department when I haven't even started. It's really hard to want something and see others succeeding in their version of what you want.

I try to comfort myself by saying that everyone has their own challenges. I know we still have some fight left in us and I hope we're successful sooner rather than later.

Monitoring HCG

I went in for bloodwork this morning. They want to monitor my hcg levels to make sure they reset back to negative. Levels were at 144 today. Under different circumstances that would be a great number but at this point it's just ugh. Go away.

While I was in the chair getting blood drawn, another patient walks past and says to me, "Hey I recognize you! We had a transfer the same day in April. How are you??"  It took me a minute to realize she was talking to me. I'm usually really good with faces but I didn't recognize her, likely because I was nervous and wasn't paying attention on transfer day. I, on the other hand, am very recognizable in my tichel. I said Hi and told her I sadly had a d&c last week. She said hers didn't stick at all and she was starting IVF 2 and that she's heard for sure people have success with their second cycle. I told her I was just coming off IVF 5 and wished her luck. I remember the naivete of being so sure it would work.

My doctor called with the results from the d&c. They tested the tissue and it came back as normal. They also confirmed the gender, which we knew from the PGD testing. I was kind of hoping that they would give us new information. That maybe it wouldn't be the normal embryo, so that we'd have some sort of answer or so that the normal one was safe in the freezer just waiting to get transferred. He couldn't say for sure whether this would happen again or what the stats are. Chromosomal abnormalities increase with age, but that isn't/shouldn't be a factor for me yet. Even if there is something wrong with the embryo, there's no additional testing we could do and there are just no answers.  

I asked him if we should schedule a follow up appointment. He said we know each other so well that if we have a question I should just email him, no need to wait for an appointment to come in. Upon some prompting he also reiterated that he doesn't have any other suggestions of something different to do next time. He said once my hcg level goes down to negative my body will need another few weeks for the cycle to kick in. Just telling us information we know already.

So no actual news, just a lot of confirmation about what we already know.

Prayer

I've had a hard time getting back into prayer. During the weeks leading up to the transfer and the duration of the pregnancy, I was davening every morning, saying additional tehillim and shir hashirim daily. Most days the prayers were natural and truly heartfelt, often times with tears included. Some days when I didn't feel well or was running late I'd still take the time to not rush through it because it was important to me.

When things went south I tried not to stop praying, but forcing it didn't feel right either. I haven't gone to shul since the pregnancy ended, even during yom tov. I just can't yet. I know it may be shallow and I feel guilty for avoiding it, but it becomes impossible for me not to cry when surrounded by bellies, strollers, and happy little families at shul. It's not their fault - I know it's me.

I don't have the answer as to why and I know that asking the question won't get me an answer. Part of the difficulty in prayer is that it was within His control to let any of the previous five transfers work, but it was His will that brought us down this path. So is praying for what I want against His will? Should I just not bother? What are my prayers anyway, in the grand scheme of things? Things will happen regardless if that's in the Master Plan so why put in the effort?

It's said that Hashem loves the prayer of the righteous. Not that I consider myself righteous or anywhere near that level, but it's interesting to relate to our forefathers and mothers who all had trouble having children: "It is not a coincidence that Sarah, Rivkah, Rachel, and Yitzchak were all sterile. In each generation, a miracle was required allow these individuals to have children and to allow the Jewish nation to come into existence" from Rabbi Frand's weekly drasha, 12/02/05.

We are taught that Hashem wants us to daven for the things we want. Bresheit 2:5 says that the grass was ready to come out from the ground on the third day, but there was no rain because there was no man to realize the necessity of rain. On the sixth day Adam was created and he realized the value of rain. Only after he prayed for the rain, did it come down and make the plants grow (Importance of Tefillah). So it's not necessarily that the answer is no; it's that perhaps we just haven't prayed enough to get to the point of getting that gift yet.

It all boils down to whether or not I believe there's someone out there running the show. The truth is that I do. I see miracles every day: a seed growing out of the ground into a beautiful flower; the sunrise; babies being born every day; the magic of science that helps us screen out unhealthy embryos in the attempt to have a healthy baby. I know He's got a plan. I don't know what it will take to get our answer, I only know that we can continue trying and praying and hoping that our miracle happens. I will continue asking for what I want and hope that it gets answered soon.

If my miracle baby happens to be the next gadol hador due to our tefilah, so be it ;)