Happy 4th

Happy birthday, America!

The pets and veterans with PTSD aren't the only ones with fireworks anxiety. I'm not sure when it became the norm to have fireworks every day of the week leading up to the 4th. Logically I know they're fireworks even though I can't see them. But in the back of my mind I think to myself, what if tonight they're actually bombs? What if a flying piece falls on my house and it catches on fire? I'm not so much a stick in the mud that I think there should be no fireworks at all -- if someone wants to waste lots of money on an evening of sparklers and there are people willing to brave the crowds and endure the heat to enjoy, by all means, have a great time. But it should be one night and under professional supervision, not every night amateur hour in the backyards.

At 18 months in, my blog is old enough to have a this time last year feature. Having just gone through our first miscarriage, I wasn't in much of a celebratory mood last year either. I can only guess what this time next year will bring.

Tomorrow marks 6 weeks since the D&C. If the pregnancy would have lasted I would be well into the second trimester at 14 weeks. Instead I'm anxiously awaiting for the return of my cycle so we can start the ball rolling for another try and finally put to rest the conversation of "what's next?" We were advised it may take 4 to 6 weeks and even though I knew it may take a while that didn't stop me from scrutinizing the color and consistency at every bathroom trip since week 3. More than wanting the next chapter to start, I need the miscarriage chapter to end. I need this failed cycle to be behind us. I am feeling sensitive and irrational so maybe that's a step in the right direction.

Flag cake! Courtesy of Google

Yesterday was the first time I've been in the gym since the last IVF cycle. I need to lose the 8 lbs I put on since the D&C when I gave no thought to what I ate. Unfortunately ice cream for breakfast is off the menu for the same reason. Other than that I want to tone my arms and overall just feel better. Once I'm at the gym I'm motivated and energetic - it's getting there that seems to be a never ending negotiation in my mind.

Hope you're having a wonderful 4th, whether you're celebrating or not.