Happy Birthday, America

Every year we do something for 4th of July, like a BBQ or a family gathering. In the past I've made the flag cake with the blueberries/strawberries/whip or a berry trifle. This year I didn't feel like it, even though there are so many fun things online to try.

This morning I made some pancakes and eggs and we had a great breakfast. The weather is rainy and gross so fireworks will likely be canceled. Ok with me. The failed FET, the constant terror attacks all over the world, the weather... just feeling bummed out. Maybe next year we'll be in more of a celebratory mood.

Symptom-wise things are back to normal. By that I mean that for the first time in a month there isn't any activity from my uterus; all is quiet and I'm back to how things were pre-cycle. Tomorrow morning is the appointment with the doc and my husband is going to take a few hours off work so we can go together. I asked for the soonest appointment available and that happens to be in another city. It's almost three times as far as the regular office we visit. We'll have to make sure to leave early enough to avoid traffic and have enough time to get there.

Overall the weekend was nice. One incident on shabbat stood out in my mind and really upset me. I was outside in the shul playground pushing my 2-year-old niece on the swings. Services were almost over and they were setting up the kiddush outside. There were a bunch of mommies and kids all over the playground. There was a baby (non-walking, maybe a year old?) in the path underneath the swing we were using, eating the wood chips from the playground floor, that I wanted to move for his safety. I asked around the mommies if they know whose baby it is and no one knew. I went to move the baby anyway if only to get him to stop eating wood chips. As I was moving him away from the wood chip area to the grass I kept asking people as I passed them if they knew whose baby it is. No one seemed to know who left their baby unattended under the swings to eat wood chips. Not wanting to leave my own charge unattended, I kept asking people as they came by and one guy responded, "Oh yeah, he's mine. I forgot about him!" and with a light chuckle took the baby. I don't think he was kidding. Asshole. It made me so upset that this guy has so many children that he can't keep track of and we weren't even able to even get to 5 weeks of pregnancy.

There's no way to compare, I know. There's probably a reason for His plan even if I'm not privy to the details. I don't know why we've been challenged with this, and I don't want it to make me bitter. Yet seeing this guy being so cavalier about this baby really rubbed me the wrong way.

Tonight I found out about another pop. Someone very close to me who has been trying naturally since the fall, and suffered one chemical pregnancy herself, is expecting. Had FET #3 worked, we would be due within a week of each other. She knew a few weeks ago but held back from sharing the news because mine didn't take. I'm so happy for her. I'm so glad she did tell me, and I'm grateful she was sensitive enough not to tell me right away when she found out, which was when I found out that my pregnancy failed.  The announcement did make me cry. It was a cry of sadness that our babies won't be the same age rather than jealousy or resentment. It was a cry of heartache that she felt the need to hold back with the happiest news of her life because the crappy news of my failed pregnancy overshadowed yet something else. It was a cry of grief for what we lost. It was a cry of despair of the challenges ahead and the lack of any guarantees.

I want to keep hope alive. I want to believe that at least one of the embryos we have in the freezer will become our child. I want to stay strong and keep trying. But it's hard to be brave when the emotional wounds of the last failed cycle are still so fresh. No one has the magic formula. No one can tell me the future. No one can be strong for us. We need to keep feeding the faith, keep hope alive, keep thinking positively, keep believing that one day it may be us. IYH soon by us.