Superfluous fluff: what holds you back?

Last night my husband asked if I ever feel like Judaism holds me back and it sparked an interesting conversation. The question was rather does the fact that we choose to be orthodox and follow halacha make me feel constrained in any way? To answer the question, not really except in one aspect. More on that soon.

For some background, he was learning about the mitzvah of p'ru urvu, literally translated as be fruitful and multiply, referring to the commandment to have children. In order to fulfill this mitzvah, one must have at least one boy and one girl. Anything else doesn't fulfill the mitzvah regardless of how many children or grandchildren one has.

Logically, if one has a genetic mutation that may cause a child to have a fatal disease, one would think that they are exempt from this mitzvah, right? He couldn't find any rav that says that in source. No one will come out and say you're exempt. You have to make the decision whether you want that mitzvah point regardless of how disabled or how slim the chances for survival are for said child.

In our case, we know we have a 50% chance at having a severely disabled child. While we are both normal, healthy adults, our child could come out with significant, possibly fatal defects. There is a spectrum and the disability could be very minor or very awful which would result in the necessity of multiple surgeries and endless stays in the NICU. I can't do that. At a certain point it becomes less about me and my mitzvah and more about this tiny baby coming into the world for a lifetime of pain ahead.

There's no way to know in advance which point on the spectrum the child will land, and it could be different for each child. Back when we were engaged and just learning of all this, we had decided that we would do everything in our power not to get pregnant with a disabled child but that if we did get pregnant naturally, there would be no abortion. Birth control may be a gray area in Judaism, but abortion is nearly black and white. Even if it wasn't, I knew that it's against my own personal belief. I wouldn't be able to handle it mentally and emotionally knowing I was purposely aborting my babies, potentially over and over depending on how many times it took to get pregnant with a healthy baby.

So it bothered my husband that no matter what we do, we may not complete this mitzvah of p'ru urvu and he felt like he can't win. I shared that in my view, we can't win 'em all. They say it takes a village, and in this case I think it can be meant literally. There are 613 mitzvot and we as a tribe can fulfill them all, but there's no way that one person can individually. For example, I said, "I can't be king and you can't be niddah." That's just how the cookie crumbles! Another example I gave was that we have so many friends with only one gender kids - all boys or all girls. They also didn't get the mitzvah point for p'ru urvu because technically they're still missing a gender. It doesn't make their kids any less special or miraculous. At the end of the day they all get married and have their own kids. Everyone fulfills their part and together we get to the 613.

I'm a lot less strict regarding halacha than he is and a lot more laid back about technicalities, so maybe that's why I never feel restricted. There is one thing I feel restricted and that's Survivor. It's my absolute favorite show and I would LOVE to be a contestant on it. But there are too many parts of it that I'm limited by Judaism: Shabbat, tzniut, kashrut, negiah... the list goes on! I would be so good at the strategy and manipulation, I could do puzzles and challenges, make fire, build shelter, find idols, and I would be great at the social aspect of it. But I can't go into a challenge not being able to eat a bug because it's not kosher, or not being able to cast a vote at tribal council because it's Friday night and I'm not supposed to write on Shabbat :) The thought of trying to explain all these limitations to Jeff Probst is hilarious to me. It's a very silly restriction and not really a restriction because I can obviously do without. In short, I don't really feel restricted at all. But I digress.....

I don't care so much about the technicalities of p'ru urvu, possibly because it's not even my mitzvah; it's his responsibility. Even so, I want a baby because I want a child. I understand that he will become a smartass one day and talk back and have tantrums and be expensive and exhausting. I know. I can only imagine how hard it would be, but I also know that the reason I want it can't be described in words.

I was telling my husband I want it all: the bris, the pidyon, the celebration, the parties, etc etc etc. He said not to get our expectations too high because what if there isn't a pidyon and what if we're so disappointed. I said that after all the years of waiting and treatment and then the 9 mos of pregnancy living with heightened anxiety and then surviving the stress of labor, if we are ever zoche to have a healthy baby in our arms, none of that will matter anymore and there is just no way we could be disappointed. I can dream big and hope for the best but we both know that the healthy baby is the important part; everything else is fluff.

IYH soon by us.