Current outlook

It's officially summer and I'm bummed that I'm not more excited about it. I used to love the weather, the beach, the mental break. But we haven't planned a vacation, pools gross me out, and there are mosquitoes everywhere. Ew.

My mood and mindset has been interesting. I couldn't fall asleep one evening (unusual for me) and my mind was wandering. I was wondering what goes through people's mind when they contemplate ending their life. To clarify, I'm not suicidal. I don't want my life to end or do any harm to myself or others. I was thinking that I can't do that to my husband. I certainly can't do it to my parents. It was a fleeing thought about pain management and how people deal with their issues.  

I had part I of my root canal last week. I had part II this morning. Both were painful. I can't remember last time my face didn't feel in pain. Is this just my life now? I've been living on milkshakes, because it hurts to eat anything else. I've been trying to avoid medication, but I caved and started on ibuprofen. This evening the pain got really intense and I dipped into my post-surgery meds stash. I have almost 98% of it since I barely used it and hopefully it will help me sleep. 

Work life has been rough over the past few days. My coworker has been fired. The firing wasn't a complete surprise, but the way it was handled was shitty. Her replacement was hired a few weeks ago, and despite being instructed that it was confidential until told otherwise, she told a few people who then told others and eventually it leaked to the person who was getting fired. So awful. While I'm not actively concerned about my position, it does make things feel unstable and I know anyone is replaceable. I've discussed my career ad nauseum (here, here, and here for starters) but part of the reason I stay put is because of the flexible schedule and how it fits into fertility treatment. I don't regret it but when they pull stunts like this it makes me feel icky about working for a place like this.

No news on Period Watch 2017. While no longer nidah, it's still complicated with regard to halacha without birth control. I estimate it could come around first week of July.

I've reconsidered refinancing and taking out a HELOC. I don't want more debt. It's not like we're barely keeping afloat but things are snug. I don't want to accrue anything additional to student loans, mortgage, and car payments. We're lucky we've been able to keep the credit cards clean and our credit scores high. Our house may not be beautifully updated but it's good enough for now. Hopefully as time goes on it will continue to rise in value. We'll be able to refi with cash out or just move and buy fresh. No one says we're stuck here forever. If I can afford the maintenance, I want my next home to have a pool. In the meantime, I will do what we can afford to pay in cash. If it takes a while to get things done then so be it.

I've had a very much "what's the point?" attitude lately. Nothing matters. I don't care about most things. I don't think I'm depressed but I'm probably right on the border. I'm giving myself the weekend to mope and then starting a new routine. Today I joined a gym and I hope to work out regularly. I also cleaned out the cabinets and the pantry. I want to make a menu plan and then go shopping. I don't think I feel blue, I just feel numb. Then I see something like the burning building in London or the baseball game shooting and I realize my problems are small potatoes. My root canal will heal; my mood will improve with time; we will eventually become parents. My problems are what I've been handed, so that's what I'm dealing with. 

Recent movies: Beauty and the Beast, Colossal, Passengers, The Big Short

Recent books: The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck, The Girl with the Lower Back Tattoo by Amy Schumer, True Faith and Allegiance by Tom Clancy