Sometimes I like to people watch, like while waiting at the checkout line in the grocery store. I'll look around and want to know about the people around me. What's going on in her life today? He looks like he could use a vacation. If only they had a blog then I'd be able to know what's on their mind.
Conversely, sometimes I'm just not in the mood to participate in the world. When people ask me what's wrong I wish I had a canned answer that wasn't vague or dismissive. I forget that people in my world don't know about my blog and how they can just go there to gauge the temperature of my mood day to day. I feel like if I give out the url I won't be able to be entirely honest or open. I'd be writing for an audience, intentionally censored, and I don't want that.
I originally started this blog because I wanted to connect with other people in similar situations. Over time it evolved into a space where I can organize my thoughts and rehash things as many times as I want without risk of fatiguing my support group. An added bonus is that it keeps me grounded and honest to myself. You can pretend you're ok at work or just go about your routine in life, but what point is there in lying to yourself? Writing helps me recognize the truth in how I feel about some things. Even when the conclusion is that I don't yet know how I feel.
Speaking of feelings, I've been finding it difficult to schedule with an infertility/loss therapist. Those that I've reached out to have been dragging their feet in calling me back. School is out, camp hasn't started, and I think everyone in the world is on vacation right now. Today I'm doing ok so I'm once again reconsidering the need for a therapist. Overall I think it's a good idea so I'll give it another try.
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