Over it

Physically I'm doing ok. No bloating, no headaches, regular bathroom visits. I've even lost two lbs of puffiness since the procedure. I'm motivated to work out and eat healthy (haven't started yet but definitely motivated!) and feel good overall. Minus the root canal - that hurt a lot and Tylenol is helping and it's already healing.

Mentally, not so much. I've been struggling emotionally. I stopped caring about a lot of things. I stopped caring about avoiding gossip. I stopped caring about the reasons behind halacha. I stopped caring about being spendy. I stopped caring about keeping the house spotless. I just don't care. Nothing matters. Why should I try? It doesn't matter. Whatever happens is going to happen. Whatever is in the plan will happen regardless of what I do. It feels like any effort I put in is irrelevant.

My husband suggested that maybe I should see a special therapist for infertility. I guess I could use a hand figuring things out. It feels exhausting to have to explain everything to someone new. It's also possible my hormones are still oscillating. And it's normal to be sad for a while after a loss, though I don't want to obsess about this forever. Maybe I'll give it a try.

Our paperwork from the second clinic came in. Our appointment isn't for a few weeks and I didn't want to deal with it so I put it away for now. Another new person we need to tell it all to. Maybe I'll just print out a copy of my About page.

I'm so tired of tests and shots. I'm over it all. I'm over the smell of the clinic. I'm over the bills. I'm over the anxiety waiting for results. I'm over the physical roller-coaster. I'm over being an emotional wreck. I'm so over the failures.