Not ok

This morning I had an appointment to get blood drawn so they can continue to monitor my hcg levels go down. I dreaded having to go back. I didn't want to deal with traffic or the parking lot. I didn't want to sit in the waiting room. I cringed at the thought of the smell of the clinic. It's not an unpleasant smell, it just brings a rush of memories every time.

But, feeling like I need to be a responsible adult, I went. I was 15 min late to my appointment but I didn't care. Whatever. I was only one of two in the waiting room so clearly they weren't swamped. Maybe everyone else got pregnant and moved on.

My second favorite tech J called me back. She can get blood most times. I figured it would be quick in and out so I can get to work on time. As she was getting prepped she asked how I'm doing. I appreciated that she cared to ask. I said I'm doing ok and averted my eyes so she couldn't see they misted over. She tried twice and got nothing. They called over my fav tech T who usually gets it on the first try. She tried twice and struck out. Four sticks in, I joked that maybe we should call over the front desk people to give it a try. Meanwhile I'm thinking this is is someone's idea of a terrible joke and how much I don't want to be here anymore.

They decided to escalate it to a nurse, and agreed among themselves to go get nurse K. It happens to be that nurse L was walking past and they flagged her down. She came over, chipper and chatty, hands on hips jokingly asking if I'm the "trouble maker." We've never met before. I saw on her lapel that her name tag says her title is Donor Nurse Coordinator. Interesting choice, universe. She settled in and started with small talk. Up until this point I felt proud of myself for keeping it together, especially whenever someone new walked up and asked me how I'm doing.

Nurse L then asked conversationally, "So what day stim are you on?" and for some reason that trigger just broke me down. I was heaving with sobs. I was shaking. I couldn't help it. It's been several hours and thinking back on it and typing it out still makes me tear up. She immediately realized her mistake. Between sobs I managed to get out that I had a D&C a few weeks ago. Tech J came rushing over with tissues and started to rub my arm. Nurse L kept saying she's so sorry. I wanted to tell her that it's not her fault but I was having trouble speaking. There's no way she could have known. There's no way I could have warned her that a simple question like that was a trigger for me because even I didn't know.

Trying to calm myself down I kept saying I'm ok so that she could continue to do what she needed to get blood. It took a minute for me to stop shaking enough for her to get the tourniquet on. I think I was trying to convince myself. But I'm not ok. I managed to calm down enough to answer her question: "I was on IVF cycle 5," I said. "I was 8 weeks pregnant when they couldn't find a heartbeat." I felt it was important for her to know why I broke down. I didn't want her to think it was her fault but I also felt it needed justification. I also needed to say it - I can't deny or avoid what happened. She was able to get blood with one stick - 5th time's a charm - on the back of my hand. When she was done she gave me a big hug and said again how sorry she is, almost crying herself. It was actually the first time in that clinic that I've ever felt some kind of emotion from a staff member, so while I'm slightly embarrassed it happened and a little sorry for ruining her morning, at least I left feeling like someone cares.

Last night I was debating if it was really necessary to find a therapist for me to talk through this with. Now I know it's not an issue of if but when. I'm clearly not over it. I may be moving on logically and physically, but I'm carrying around the emotional baggage on my sleeve and I need help moving on.  I gotta get my head back in the game if we want to try again because as things stand now I am not ready at all.  I had no idea it would be this hard to move on. I'm not quite sure what I'm holding on to. I'm hoping that with the start of my next period, essentially the last step of FET 5 and the first step of the next cycle simultaneously, I'll be able to officially close the door on this awful chapter.

Bloodwork results came in and my hcg levels are down to negative. Halleluja.