Prayer

I've had a hard time getting back into prayer. During the weeks leading up to the transfer and the duration of the pregnancy, I was davening every morning, saying additional tehillim and shir hashirim daily. Most days the prayers were natural and truly heartfelt, often times with tears included. Some days when I didn't feel well or was running late I'd still take the time to not rush through it because it was important to me.

When things went south I tried not to stop praying, but forcing it didn't feel right either. I haven't gone to shul since the pregnancy ended, even during yom tov. I just can't yet. I know it may be shallow and I feel guilty for avoiding it, but it becomes impossible for me not to cry when surrounded by bellies, strollers, and happy little families at shul. It's not their fault - I know it's me.

I don't have the answer as to why and I know that asking the question won't get me an answer. Part of the difficulty in prayer is that it was within His control to let any of the previous five transfers work, but it was His will that brought us down this path. So is praying for what I want against His will? Should I just not bother? What are my prayers anyway, in the grand scheme of things? Things will happen regardless if that's in the Master Plan so why put in the effort?

It's said that Hashem loves the prayer of the righteous. Not that I consider myself righteous or anywhere near that level, but it's interesting to relate to our forefathers and mothers who all had trouble having children: "It is not a coincidence that Sarah, Rivkah, Rachel, and Yitzchak were all sterile. In each generation, a miracle was required allow these individuals to have children and to allow the Jewish nation to come into existence" from Rabbi Frand's weekly drasha, 12/02/05.

We are taught that Hashem wants us to daven for the things we want. Bresheit 2:5 says that the grass was ready to come out from the ground on the third day, but there was no rain because there was no man to realize the necessity of rain. On the sixth day Adam was created and he realized the value of rain. Only after he prayed for the rain, did it come down and make the plants grow (Importance of Tefillah). So it's not necessarily that the answer is no; it's that perhaps we just haven't prayed enough to get to the point of getting that gift yet.

It all boils down to whether or not I believe there's someone out there running the show. The truth is that I do. I see miracles every day: a seed growing out of the ground into a beautiful flower; the sunrise; babies being born every day; the magic of science that helps us screen out unhealthy embryos in the attempt to have a healthy baby. I know He's got a plan. I don't know what it will take to get our answer, I only know that we can continue trying and praying and hoping that our miracle happens. I will continue asking for what I want and hope that it gets answered soon.

If my miracle baby happens to be the next gadol hador due to our tefilah, so be it ;)