Connected? Unlikely.
Coincidence? Probably not.
I don't know, but it's interesting.
Spotting from the d&c stopped completely and I was able to go to the mikva, so I finally got rid of my Pesach pedicure. Felt like the last piece of the transfer prep was gone. I didn't intent to keep it as long as I did, but for some reason I was holding on to any piece of the time pre-transfer, when things were simpler.
The other day I had plans to meet a friend for lunch and in the morning I noticed I was looking forward to the day. For the first time in a while I didn't feel like a big gray cloud was following me around. I didn't feel guilty for being happy; I felt surprised. I suppose there is truth to the saying "time heals all wounds." It's not that what happened isn't sad or isn't still with me. It's all still there. But I'm able to talk about it without crying or falling apart. It's only when I get to a trigger that it bothers me to the point of discomfort.
One of my biggest concerns if this pregnancy failed was watching my coworker progress in her pregnancy. I noticed that it's not babies that are a trigger; it's the belly bumps. Babies or children don't bother me at all - once it's out the child is its own person. For some reason I've associated the bump with our failures since none of my pregnancies lasted. My coworker has been amazing and supportive, but everyone around her just really sucks. We sit three feet apart and people come up to her desk to comment on her belly or tell her how cute she looks or start a conversation about birth plan or nursery or daycare or whatever. It's not her fault mine failed. But it's such a trigger for me.
If I can avoid it by walking away or taking a phone call, I do. Sometimes it happens out of nowhere and catches me off guard like a punch in the gut. I try to turn it to motivation, to fire and strength for the next go, but overall it's hard. It's hard to hear people my age say they're dunzo in the kids department when I haven't even started. It's really hard to want something and see others succeeding in their version of what you want.
I try to comfort myself by saying that everyone has their own challenges. I know we still have some fight left in us and I hope we're successful sooner rather than later.
I'm glad to hear the cloud has started to lift. Gosh, that must be so hard having the pregnant colleague nearby. One of my colleagues was pregnant and after our third failed IVF every so often I'd catch a glimpse of her walking past with her cute bump or overhear conversations people were having with her and it just stung. She worked on a different floor though so it didn't happen so often. Good idea to use that as a moment to walk away or distract yourself. Whatever you need to do. I really hope you'll be successful sooner rather than later too. So true that everyone has their own challenges, you don't know what others are going through.
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