Biopsy 4x

Friday was CD22. At a designated time a week prior I triggered with Ovidrel and went in for the biopsy on Friday morning. It was purposely scheduled for after monitoring so the waiting room was empty. I saw a lady coming out from the back with an ultrasound picture in her hand. The good kind. The 5-week bubble holding an infinite amount of joy. As she was shoving other things into her purse, waiting in line to make a follow up appointment, it waved around like a flag of hope. I remember that feeling and I was so happy for her. I debated whether or not it's too weird to go congratulate her. I decided that it is and if the situations were reversed I would not want a stranger from the waiting room to mention it. So I sent her some silent good vibes and kept scrolling on my phone.

I got called back. The doctor doing the procedure went through the paperwork and the biopsy was done quickly and efficiently. They had to take three vials-worth so they dug deep but it was only when they were taking the instruments out that the pain got to me and I teared up. Maybe they hit something on the way? I don't know. I originally thought we were doing an ERA but I think it's EMMA, and ALICE.  Same procedure but different tests. The results should be back in about 2-3 weeks. 

I'm not sure we're transferring next cycle - even if the results come back sooner than the estimates and in time for my next CD1, I'm guessing they're going to find something that needs to be treated. Maybe it's a defense mechanism but my gut is telling me to manage my expectations and be patient with the timeline.

5 min

I did it! I spent 5 min today lifting weights. They were 5 lb weights and I did arms for 6 min and 54 seconds. I set a timer to let me know when 5 min were up, but I also set a stopwatch. I knew that once I got into it I'd continue which is what happened. I finished a set and then added some abs (crunches, leg lifts) after the nearly 7 minutes of weights, for a total of a 10 minute non-walk workout. 

I'm equal parts embarrassed and proud. I'm ashamed that it took so long to actually do it, and that I broke a sweat from those few minutes. Definitely not in the same shape as I used to be. 

The goal is to be healthy and strong and I'm proud I finally took a step over the hump of the mental wall that was preventing me from starting. I still don't have a reason, but now that I've started the ball rolling I hope next time won't be as challenging and I can get a streak going. 

ERA CD14

Tuesday I went in for day 12 monitoring. Lining looked good but largest follicle was at 13 mm so they're giving it a few more days to grow. I think they want to see it closer to 18. My arm is getting really bruised from blood draws. Wednesday I got to see my obgyn for my annual appointment. Still love her. Today more monitoring and also an endo appointment for thyroid follow up. Largest follicle at 17 and lining up to over 9. I think I'll have to come back tomorrow. I hope not again on Saturday.

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I had a conversation with my obgyn about long term contraception. According to Jewish law, contraception for men is not allowed; there are no restrictions for use by women. If I don't want to take hormones, I can do an IUD or get my tubes tied at the next c section.  Getting tubes tied is a permanent long term solution with the added benefit of a decrease in the risk of ovarian cancer. I would still be able to use the uterus for pregnancy with frozen embryo transfers (our own, donated, or even carry as a surrogate for someone else). 

I'm not sure how I feel about this permanent option. IUD has its own benefits and challenges, such as being reversible but having heavier period and potential breakthrough bleeding (a halachic nightmare).  My fertile window is closing and likely within the next ten years this will be irrelevant, but for the next several years I don't want to have to take a daily pill. I also don't like the side effects of the hormones - for me it means headaches and elevated blood pressure. It's not something we need to figure out right now, just something I'm thinking about. 

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We're working on making healthier choices and getting our pandemic weight gain under control. I've oscillated up and down with the same 10 lbs. At transfer I don't want to weigh more than I did last transfer. To get there I need to lose 6 lbs. I'd like to lose more, but that's the current, realistic goal. 

Action items we're taking: 

• Actively drinking more water. Daily goal set at 100 oz. I've been getting through about half. I definitely notice less munching when I'm full of water.  
• Fill up on soup and salads. I've been good about taking a big salad for lunch. It takes planning and effort to make sure there are veg in the house, and take time to clean them and cut them, but worth it. My challenge is making sure I eat enough protein and fat along with it so that I'm not starving by the time I get home and snack before dinner.
• Weight Watchers? Considering joining, not sure if it's worth the cost. I think accountability is key so I would appreciate the support. 
• 5 min weights daily. Trying to make this a thing. I meant to start this week and just haven't. I don't know what the mental block is for it - everyone should be able to carve out 5 minutes of their day to lift weights, right? I have them in my bedroom and see them all the time. I just have to start. 

Once the cicadas are done (hopefully soon 🙏) we can restart our daily walks again. I always feel great after a long walk. I only recently noticed that the pain in my foot - self diagnosed as plantar fasciitis - has gone away and was very pleased with this realization. It started right after the birth and lasted about 18 months. 

Natural cycle ERA

This morning I went in for  day 4 monitoring for the ERA+ testing. Thanks to the copious notes I took last time we did this, chronicled on this blog, I know what to expect. Today there were some follicles at 9 mm. When the lead one reaches 20 mm and there's an LH surge detected, biopsy is 6 days later. If no surge, I take ovidrel and come back 7 days later. Last time, it took forever for the lead follicle to reach 20 and they told me to take the ovidrel when it reached 17. We're several years and multiple cycles later, with a lot that happened in between, so we'll see. 

I'm in a different headspace this time. Even logistics are different, since I can't just leave in the morning for a 90 minute monitoring appointment without some scheduling and planning. I'm so grateful to have that as a priority. It makes everything pale in comparison and dulls the urgency of unnecessarily overthinking things.  

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There's a situation at work. I've talked for years about how every time something like this happens, I weigh out the pros and cons of staying vs finding another job. In the past the pros of staying always won. Today there are even more reasons to stay, but I've reached a point where I feel the need to say something. I have a meeting with my supervisor this afternoon to discuss my concerns and I hope it goes well. 

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I've always been an introvert with minimal need for human interaction. I had my people and was fine with it. Over the years some relationships kind of fizzled and haven't been replaced. Pre-pandemic I started feeling the need to put more effort into building new relationships but was dragging my feet on getting it started. Then the world stopped. At this point in the pandemic, I'm craving new experiences and have found myself striking up conversations with complete strangers. I know they feel the same because they enthusiastically respond in kind. I'm willing to put in the effort but not sure how to direct this open energy. Will keep my eyes open to opportunities.

Lurking envy

I wonder if those jealousy niggles will ever fully go away. I don't like to use the word trigger because it's overused and means something different to each person. For me it's more like a tug in my heart, the sting in my eyes, the pull in my gut. Then guilt that I feel it at all instead of just being happy for someone when they share their news.

Last week Dylan Dryer announced she was pregnant with baby number three. I'm not sure why it left me feeling unsettled. Because it was a surprise? Because she's in the public eye? Because they seemed to be done? It doesn't matter and I'm not sure why I care. To start, I have no idea how long they've been trying, and it wasn't anyone's business whether they're done having kids after their second. I dislike that envy is my knee-jerk reaction. 

The daycare had an end of year picnic. Because of covid they held it outside where the parents could be socially distant, and because of the cicadas they did it a month early. It was the first time parents got to meet each other since we're not allowed in the building. I have no problem asking people if they're vaccinated. I don't care if someone thinks it's a personal question. [If they're vaccinated they have no issues saying so, and if they're not comfortable answering the question it's likely because they're not vaccinated and I know to keep my distance. I have no patience for people's feelings when a global pandemic relies on the majority of people being vaccinated so that we can collectively protect the most vulnerable among us who cannot get the vaccine. I try to reel in my judgy attitude, but if someone doesn't get vaccinated I have a hard time trusting their general judgement.] Anyway, when someone near me asked another couple near us if they're fully vaccinated, the dad answered "I am" and the mom hesitated. Turns out she only recently got her first shot because her OB recommended she wait until after her first trimester. She leaned back and rubbed her belly. Slight panic - are we not keeping up? - dissolved quickly.

A coworker of mine is due next month and she's starting her maternity leave coon. Besides for the luxury of being able to afford taking time before the baby is born because of her husband's income, I'm jealous that she's about to start the newborn chapter. It's a difficult stage with a lot of anxiety, for sure, but I loved every second of it. 

The envy has gotten better with time. It's certainly better than it used to be before I had a successful pregnancy. When Kristen Welker announced her news, I had none of that. I've since realized my trigger is specifically pregnancy related, not necessarily babies. Even though it's my knee-jerk reaction, it dissipates quickly. Maybe one day I'll get to a place where I'll hear of a pregnancy announcement and not feel any jealousy. 

Here we go again

I have some annual appointments coming up in June with my gyn and endo. I figured once I get those sorted out, it would be a good time to start the conversation again with my RE about an FET timeline. When I called the RE office last week to schedule my telehealth for after those June appointments, it seemed like the schedule was very full and I couldn't get in until late June. There happened to be one opening available for this week so I just took it, and suddenly... we're back in just like that. 

We met earlier this week and discussed a potential timeline. There are three things that need to happen before the FET: mock transfer, saline ultrasound, and biopsy. I originally thought that all three could be in one appointment, but apparently they need to happen at different points in my cycle. It's preferable that the biopsy happens the month before the FET but the other ones could happen any time and results are valid for a year. As soon as I was done the telehealth appointment I contacted the front desk to get scheduled for the saline ultrasound and mock transfer which I did this morning. 

I got to the office about 10 min before my procedure. Before even arriving there was a covid screening online, as well as one at the front desk. The waiting room had changed a lot since I was last there. The magazines and informational pamphlets were gone, replaced with hand sanitizer pumps and social distancing signs. There were only about 5 available seats in the waiting room, instead of the usual 40. I got called back, they took vitals, and I was asked to sign paperwork. They started with the mock transfer, then I emptied my bladder, then they took measurements (including inspecting my c-section scar), and did the saline ultrasound. We chatted for a bit after and I was done. Thankfully, I think we're cleared to move forward. I had severe cramps after the procedure. It got better with time and advil, but man on man I had forgotten that discomfort. 

I feel like things are moving fast and not fast enough. I'm excited to try again and I'm scared of what's to come. I'm worried about juggling everything, and pandemic stuff, but as it is we waited longer than planned and I don't want to keep waiting. 

Removing the stigma

One of my favorite reporters announced that she and her husband are expecting a baby girl in June with the help of a surrogate. I watched her story this morning and, as I was wrangling my own miracle from trying to head-dive off the bed, I teared up listening to her talk. I'm so, so happy for her. 

Here's this successful, strong woman who likely has the means to afford whatever treatment it would have taken. Through absolutely no fault of her own, it wasn't meant to be for her to carry her own baby. It's hard not to feel like a failure even when it's completely beyond your control. How could your own body betray something your mind and heart want so badly with every fiber of your being? It's not logical because no one blames themselves for needing glasses or having IBS... it's just how your body is made.

I remember when she got married, then some years passed, and thought that maybe she just doesn't want kids. Then felt guilty for even contemplating it - it's so not my business. I remember when Dylan Dryer went through secondary infertility and the show did a whole big story on it to raise awareness (and ratings). She was about to start IVF and the doctors told her not to take the medication because she was already pregnant. I was proud of her for sharing her story. So many people suffer in silence, myself included. It's intensely personal but such an enormous emotional burden to bear. Part of me was ashamed I couldn't do what I felt was my birthright as a woman. Even though I wanted understanding and support, I didn't want pity and I didn't want "helpful" comments. I was also incredibly superstitious and felt like talking about anything might jinx it. 

While she was telling her story, they showed B-roll footage of live shots she squeezed in between doctor's appointments, and getting bad news right before going into a big day.  Women are expected to go through hell and still put on a professional and friendly face. I felt that. It brought me right back. She talked about all the tears that were shed and I felt that also. I remember getting bad news in the car on the way to a seminar, and had to wipe the tears, fix my make up, switch gears, and walk into a room full of people to participate in a workshop. 

Until I reached out, I was not in a place to accept emotional support. It took two failed IVFs and two failed FETs before I even started this blog. I've become more vocal about it and when I'm asked for advice, I make the time to share advice from my experience. We need to be there for each other. Even if you're not ready to accept my support yet, I'll be there to listen and hold your hand when you are.

When Kristen Welker and her husband shared their story, I was happy to hear her news. No strings, just happiness. When someone shares their story, I'm so proud of them. Their courage brings awareness which can help end the stigma. I'm so grateful to them for doing what I couldn't.