Undies

Last week our little guy was sent home from school for being too fussy and just not acting like himself. He developed a fever within 24 hours and we were on a motrin/tylenol loop for the next few days. It's so, so sad when they're sick. All he wanted to do was to snuggle up or rest in his crib which is so different than his usual bouncy, boisterous personality. As I tried to push liquids to keep him hydrated, I barely ate. My last appointment had me at two lbs less than the previous week, for a grand total of +10 for this pregnancy so far. We took him to the ped to get checked out and he tested negative for everything (covid, strep, flu, rsv) so just a random virus. I guess that's what happens when masks come off. 

I had a big project at work completed successfully earlier this week. My original thought was that I'd be able to check out mentally after that was done, but I'm still pretty focused so I'm happy about that. Pesach is around the corner and I'm trying to do something small every day so that it doesn't pile up. Even though I gained less weight this time, I'm carrying very different somehow and I look and feel very large. I accidentally dropped something at work and someone rushed to get it from the floor. It makes people uncomfortable to see me bending or lifting or moving quickly, even though that's basically what life with a toddler is.

We're trying to get a second car. We sold my husband's car back in 2020 when we saw that the "two week wait" wasn't ending any time soon. It was definitely the right decision and I have no regrets about getting rid of it. The car was taking up space, we didn't need it, and we were able to use the profit to pay off debt. Plus we saved two years of insurance payments and maintenance costs. But now the remote-work-gravy-train is over and we need a second vehicle. The car market is completely bonkers, second only to the housing market. I'm having a hard time finding anything for less than $30k, new or used, that will fit our needs. I'm very practical and just want something safe and functional but there is such limited inventory. Been researching toyotas and subarus - should I be looking at different models? I visited a few dealerships and test drove a few cars. I'm really ok with anything, I'm just trying to keep it under a certain price and it seems like that doesn't exist. So I'm dragging my feet and in the meantime we're spending a fortune on Uber. 

My latest complaint is uncomfortable underwear. Nothing fits comfortably. It's fine when I put it on but then sitting or moving or anything just bothers me, and then it makes me in a bad mood. I'm not a fan of going commando and it's getting too warm to keep wearing leggings. Small dose of TMI for the day. 

I still participate in fertility support groups online. I like being able to answer questions regarding halacha (Jewish law) as it pertains to fertility treatments. Not only did I research it and find out the answers when it was relevant to my situation, but I also lived through it for many years. I think it brings comfort to people to know that they're not the only ones with these questions. I always quote my sources and provide relevant links so that they can do additional research if they choose, but most of the time they're just thankful to have a direction to get started.

Shabbat shalom.

32

We're at the point where I'm doing weekly biophysical tests, so ultrasound, NST, and doctor. If the stars align you can get in and out in under 45 minutes but that's rare. The first appointment happened to be at noon because it was scheduled recently and all the schedules were booked so I had a long wait in between and was there nearly 2 hours in the middle of the day. It's a busy week at work and I was frustrated to be stuck there. I was also really annoyed at the NST - I don't remember them being so uncomfortable. Lay in a specific position without moving for at least 20 minutes while this ancient machine tries to pick up information from a squirmy baby trying to avoid the monitor. Whenever I tried adjusting from the uncomfortable position, the signal would get lost. I was stiff and sore by the time it was over and asked to start the petition to switch out that horrible exam table for a lazy boy chair. The technician was also really grating on my nerves because her response to everything was to laugh. What's so funny?! Clearly I was sour and just overall grumpy at having to be there. When I was finally released I took a moment to breathe in my gratitude that it was just a temporary discomfort and that all the results were ok, BH. 

I've gained 12 lbs to date but feel very, very large. Looking back at my post from last pregnancy, I was at +21 lbs at around this time (27 total), but I'm definitely carrying higher this time. I never felt my belly was in the way last time and this time it feels like it's everywhere. Yesterday I felt very snackish but regardless of the mountains of junk food we've accumulated over the past week with Purim, nothing seemed to be appealing. I ended up chopping up a salad with tomato, cucumber, red pepper, olives, and avocado, with a little balsamic vinegar and salt. 

I've been in a mood lately. I was blue about canceled birthday plans. I was disappointed at various things. There's a coworker who I have a hard time seeing every day and when I tried to isolate the reason(s) why, there are just so many so I assume I just don't like this person. I'm emotional about all the changes about to take place. On one hand it feels like time is speeding by and I can't believe my scheduled c-sec is so soon; on the other hand I feel like I've been pregnant with this baby forever since this cycle started in August. I've been having trouble sleeping. Partially because I'm uncomfortable or have to pee, partially because it's harder to calm my mind these days with a lot going on. 

I have a few posts I started and then just left as drafts. Not sure if I wasn't happy with them or just didn't have the mental energy to fully formulate my thoughts, but I'll try to be better about it. I'll end it here and post before I find a hundred things to edit. 

Can of worms

I had an opportunity to talk to my supervisor about my proposed maternity leave plan and I grabbed it! We are nearing the end of a contract with some consultants and I have been picking up where they're leaving off to make sure things continue to run smoothly. Since it's not the type of thing that can just be handed off to someone random, my supervisor will likely take those tasks on while I'm out and I needed to explain the process. I've been doing it a while so for me it's clear and makes sense, but for someone who is just coming into it, it might seem overwhelming. The conversation naturally flowed to timeline - when will I be out, when am I coming back - aka how long does my supervisor need to deal with all this until I come back? 

I mentioned that maternity leave sucks and I would consider starting some part time remote work while I'm on leave to complete my salary. In return, I would want to continue remote part time work through the fall, coming back part time to the office, and retaining my full salary and benefits for the duration. This way I could hire a nanny, offer her a decent multi-month contract, and not have to think about daycare until baby is 6 months or older. 

The response was better than I anticipated. The can of worms has been open and now the idea is out there. I'm glad I had a chance to think it through so that I could articulate the plan. I never mentioned the idea of finding another remote job - I don't think I want that and it really would be a last resort. My supervisor will bring it up to the boss and we'll take it from there. I did mention that I didn't think they would be open to the idea because they were so against working from home during the pandemic. The response to that was that it's different to work from home during leave versus permanently. I don't understand the difference but I didn't argue or push the point. I have a meeting in a few weeks so will follow up if I don't hear back by then.

Family leave

I'm baffled at what constitutes family leave in the united states. In every fb group I'm in, whether it's a finance group or a women's group or a mom group, there are people from all over the world who just can't understand why USA doesn't have any sort of established maternal or paternal leave after the birth or adoption of a child. 

Some countries give 12-18 months paid leave even if you're not employed at the time of birth; some countries go up to three years; some countries even give a stipend to parents for every child until their 18th birthday. In the US we get to not get fired while we go unpaid for up to 12 weeks. Not only does health insurance suck so the bills skyrocket around the labor and delivery, plus there's no such thing as reliable and affordable daycare, on top of that we also need to get by without an income while recovering from a major medical procedure on no sleep. 

With my son born in 2019, at 11 weeks old we were just getting into a rhythm with breastfeeding. He was definitely not sleeping through the night. I cried when I dropped him off at daycare the first day. When I went back to work I was not a productive employee. I had accrued the maximum amount of days off I could take and we couldn't afford for me to stay home past 11 weeks. I was pumping at least once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and rushing at lunch to visit my baby at daycare to kiss and feed him. Even at my most efficient it was still taking 30-40 minutes for each session. I would come home and it would be a mad dash to unpack the bags, clean off the pumping equipment, care for an infant and try to get anything around the house done. As horrible as those early days of the pandemic were, one silver lining was the relief of not to have to deal with pumping anymore while working full time out of the house. Breastfeeding lasted to 15 months mainly because we were home together - I don't know how long I could have sustained the pumping at work situation. 

So how do I want to do things differently this time around? If I had it approved, here's what I would prefer. First, I would go back to the office only part time. Very part time to start and gradually increase hours as the baby grows and sleeps through the night. I would prefer to get a nanny at home for the first few months then, around November or December, reevaluate whether I want to look into daycare and possibly start group care in January for more full time days in the office. 

My employer is not happy about remote work. It's a comfortable situation and I'm not ready to leave just yet but this might be the push I need to make a change. When I propose this scenario, I want to be ready to walk away. If they don't agree to letting me come back part time, and part time at home, then I will look for something fully remote. I'm not interested in making a career move right now but I'm not at all interested in the mayhem that was daycare at 11 weeks with my oldest. 

It took me years to accrue the 11 weeks I took off last maternity leave; I haven't had as much time to accrue that this time around. I've already started saving up for the days I'll be out but it's unlikely that they will pay my full salary for the duration of my full 12 weeks. I would hate to leave, and I would hate to have to spend my mat leave interviewing and applying for jobs, but I prefer to be home instead of sending to daycare those first few months. If they can't work with me, I might need to be ready to walk away. I'm a valuable employee who's been there for over ten years but I know everyone is replaceable and I don't know if they have any incentive to bend the rules for me.

Emotional

At my appointment today they scheduled my c-section. Because it's scheduled, you can submit preferences but in general you're basically just assigned a slot, so I prioritized requesting my own doctor. When they called me to confirm the time, the lady on the other line was excited, saying in a sing-songy voice, "I know when your baby's birthday is!" and I was not in the mood for it. I was feeling very emotional. 

The date isn't what I had in mind. For some reason I thought I'd be able to just pick a time and date on the calendar. I don't know what I was thinking because that's not at all how hospitals work. I might dislike that it's an odd day? I don't know. I also got caught off-guard that we have to be there so early, like at 5 am. Apparently that's because scheduled c-sections get bumped if there's a labor or emergency c-section, so they schedule them right at the start of the doctor's shift to cushion the time. I don't necessarily care about the time or the wait or the bump, but in my mind I thought I'd have time to drop my son off at school before heading to the hospital. Needing to be at the hospital at 5 am means he needs to start his night elsewhere, but more than that, it means that he will wake up and we won't be there. 

It's true that all of our worlds are about to be turned upside down. The difference is that we as adults understand that something big is coming and we can mentally prepare. At two years old, our son is just a baby himself and has no idea what's ahead. It's not just that he's young; he grew up in a pandemic and to say his world is narrow would be a huge understatement. He's never been on a bus or a train or in a restaurant or library. I hate the idea of leaving him and the thought that he might feel abandoned or confused makes me ugly cry. Pandemic restrictions mean he's not even allowed to visit at the hospital and when I think about how much I'll miss him I can't stop crying. It's least about me, but if this is how I feel, I can only imagine how he will feel.

I asked a bunch of questions about the date and she humored me, answering them, but there was really no flexibility. I could change the date but then it wouldn't be my doctor. I could change to the following week but my doctor's shift is past my due date and they don't want me to go past that. The week prior is too early for a scheduled cs. There's no flexibility with the time, but I think I'll ask about that at my next appt. 

I know it's incredibly privileged to be disappointed by a date. I'm lucky I can try to plan ahead. There's a reason why traditionally the Jewish response to a pregnancy announcement is "B'Shaa Tova" instead of Mazel Tov. B'Shaa tova is Hebrew and literally means "in a good hour," or in other words, all in good time. Whenever this happens, that's the right time that it's supposed to happen. It's also a way to recognize that something good is on its way but not necessarily here yet, reminding us not to take for granted healthy, full-term pregnancies. I understand all this and I believe that whatever is supposed to happen will happen when it's supposed to. 

The other piece of it keeps making me cry. Depending on how recovery goes, best case scenario is that we're released within a day or two. I tear up at the thought of being apart and I'm having a hard time with it. I know he'll be in good hands with whoever we leave him with, and that he will get over it and be ok with minimal long-term effects, if any. For likely not the last time, I feel guilt that one baby's needs are taking priority over another's. 

Twos-day: 2.22.22

I love numbers and I can't let this day go by without a shout out. 2/22/22 on a Tuesday! It's fabulous.

Some people wore a tutu to work. I'm sure millions of people got married today. Great day to schedule a c-section. Charmin took it a little too literally about #2 and made a whole poop float with the charmin bears. Check out their instagram if you enjoy pun humor. 

I'm glad to see things that aren't virus or war or economy related.

Second trimester thoughts

I'm nearing the tail end of the second trimester. About two weeks ago I started getting comments that I "popped" - in other words what I've been thinking about feeling huge is confirmed by everyone around me. Last pregnancy I was in my regular clothes well into my third trimester, whereas this time I really can't wear anything not maternity anymore. The maternity clothes I do have are all for late August and it's still very cold and windy here so I had to buy some new stuff. I feel ok, just heavy and uncomfortable. I try to get up and walk often during the day because I get stiff if I'm in one position too long. 

It's a holiday weekend and it seems like everyone is traveling. It makes it feel like spring is just around the corner although I do admit there's some jealousy. We've never been good at prioritizing travel even if it's something we enjoy. There was also rarely spare money for a trip and we'd save for a while before each one. It's not that I don't want to spend the money. It's that there is a finite number of dollars and I try to consider the ROI.  For example, a vacation will last a few days, but a backyard upgrade will serve us for several seasons. I worked too hard to dig out of debt and while I'm very much pro saving money to spend it on things that bring you joy, I doubt any vacation we take right now will be very satisfying considering all the limitations. I have a goal of a big trip and I'm saving up for that so at least it's something to look forward to. In the meantime, muting those instagram stories helps. 

I'm excited about our own version of adventures coming up. I pray everything goes smoothly and everyone comes home safe. It's different this time around because I have some idea of what to expect. It's also different this time because I'll have more to juggle. There are a few big things coming up before I can really lean in to the brain fog, like preparing for Pesach and a few big projects at work.

Not getting my tubes tied just yet but along the lines of wanting the freedom to travel, I think part of me is wanting to dissociate from the ttc stage of life. I've prioritized family building for the vast majority of the past decade. It feels normal to want to clear some space for something new.