19w+

I started feeling movement at 18 weeks. They said I'd be able to feel it sooner with this one because I would know what to look for. I think it might be because this one is a lot more active. At my last appointment I was down 5 lbs.

***

Here we are again with another surge. I'm sad and upset that we're back here. It's been so long of the same story. There seems no end in sight. We were close. We saw some light at the end of the tunnel. Things were going "back to normal" but with some differences. We were willing to put up with them because it was nearly normal. But now things are shutting down again. For me it was the NY Rockettes canceling the rest of their season that really hit me hard. Not that I had any plans to see it live or be in New York, but the shutting down of an iconic show during its busiest season was reminiscent of the darkest days of the lockdowns.

On the flip side there are the anti-vaxxers who are just not understanding that they're part of the problem. They're in shock that this is still a thing in the media and that the govt is pushing on everyone. I can't understand where they went so wrong in their education; where they went wrong in their way of thinking. I believe they think the same way about vaccinated people. I don't know what needs to happen to fix it. When everything feels so out of control, I have to remember that this is all up to Him and we never had any control at all.

At this point we're basically mitigating risk tolerance; weighing the benefits of the activity vs risk of exposure. School is a priority for everyone's benefit and mental health, so we send him with a mask and a prayer. Playdates outside of his regular circle of friends are out of the question. Playdates otherwise? Not sure. Unnecessary indoor activities are off limits. Outdoor activities are fine but because it's so cold those are far and few between. We try to take advantage of outdoor time that isn't freezing cold or pitch black by 5 pm - there are about 15 min of that every third day. I know it's a challenging time for everyone.

***

I got myself a present that brings me a lot of joy. A few years back I started taking pottery classes and really enjoyed them. At the time I did some research online and found several potters I started following on social media. When I got pregnant I had to stop because the spinning wheel made me dizzy. I hope to pick it up again someday soon but in the meantime I kept following the potters online to pick up tips and techniques and see their beautiful art. I recently purchased a [very expensive] mug from one of them and I absolutely love it. I saved it for my first warm drink on Shabbat and have been using it since for everything. It just makes me happy and I'm glad I splurged.

***

Happy holidays to all who celebrate. I hope 2022 is a good year for us all.

Smooth

It felt like November took about six months. We started Nov out at a new school. Thanksgiving was really nice. We even started Chanukah. I had another appointment at the obgyn and we settled on a due date. The RE calculates it based on the transfer date but the ob likes to go by lmp. It's only a five day difference.

The 15 week appointment was relatively quick and uneventful, thankfully, only made longer because the office is still missing a person to draw blood so I had to wait for them to decide if a medical assistant was going to attempt or if I should go to a separate lab. I volunteered to go to another lab. I don't need to be anyone's experiment for the day, especially if they're not confident.

There is a lot more time and space between appointments this time around. It's such a back-burner situation compared to the all-encompassing experience of the last one. No complaints. That's fine with me. I'm grateful it's been smooth. There are more aches and pains this time around (jaw? hip? why do those hurt?). My sleeping is different. My pallet still hasn't figured itself out. I'm more distracted by everything else going on to harp on the little things. I still won't go to a nail salon, though. Working on that superstition. 

I sent a gift basket to our RE for Thanksgiving. I don't think we sent anything last time because she was on maternity leave and then I was and then the world shut down and I lost track of things. I can't begin to describe my level of gratitude to her and while anything I gift her or say feels inadequate, it's better than nothing. 

The toddler has a cough. He had a cold a few weeks ago, never any fever, and even after the cold cleared up the cough stayed. I know that's normal for toddlers but I don't like it. We all got negative PCR tests before our small family Thanksgiving gathering. Today I decided it might be time to check in with the ped so waiting to get a call back. I know I'm a worrier but I don't care. The world is scary and I'd rather get told that I wasted time calling and reassurance that this will clear up rather than worry that something is being left untreated. 

I had a conversation at work about my salary. I presented my case for a significant increase. I asked for a 15% raise and got 4%. Better than nothing. At the end of the meeting I shared the news. They don't know yet that I will be advocating for a longer maternity leave and working from home flexibility. I didn't like having to put my 11-week old in daycare last time and I'd like to avoid that if I can. I'll leave that conversation for another time. 

Anxiety

This morning was unusually chaotic and it set the tone for the rest of my day.

I read a post about childhood cancer and got into my own head.

I also put the finishing touches on a photo album I've been working on (trying to get one per year). Going through the photos reminded me how isolated and alone we were last year and I felt very triggered, if that's even the right word for it.

In my excitement for the short upcoming week, I thought back to different years Thanksgivings. In the past this was my absolute favorite week of the year. When we started treatment there were some incidents that happened right around Thanksgiving that kind of soured me on it. I don't feel like going through the posts to link back.

While I'm in a different space now, I'm still worried. Anxiety is anxiety, rational or otherwise.

My next appointment is scheduled for next week, purposely after Thanksgiving.

Over 12 weeks

Having a frustrating day. When thinking through who I want to vent to I decided writing was my best option at this point while I figure things out.

The day started with a fight with my husband. I asked him to do something; he forgot; I overreacted; words were exchanged. It happens. Started the day on a sour note. Then a meeting I was looking forward to got postponed. I was supposed to talk to my supervisor about reconsidering my compensation. Having been on a couple interviews, seeing salaries of other employees in similar roles, and doing some market research, I've concluded I should be getting at least 20% more. I'd even settle for half that raise, especially with all the expenses coming up.

My salary was cut during the pandemic and over the summer brought back to where I was two years ago. I wanted to discuss an actual raise and was told to follow up in November. Today was the scheduled meeting and I was told it's "too early to discuss." Why? Because the budget hasn't been set yet. DUH. We were supposed to meet before the budget is set so that it could be worked into it. It wasn't even an email or letting me know in advance. I showed up with my folder full of research and info and was told it's not happening.

I'm so frustrated. It's such a power play and it makes me feel resentful. In all the ways I saw this going (and I played it out several times in my mind while rehearsing), the scenario of getting completely blown off didn't even cross my mind. I came prepared and was psyched to discuss the value I bring to the team and just felt very deflated. I wasn't going to discuss maternity leave today but I definitely have an idea about that as well. The short version is that there's no reason I need to come back full time to the office at 12 weeks postpartum when I've proven I can be an effective employee at home. More on that in another post.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out if it's worth sending an email or putting anything in writing about being disappointed about the meeting being postponed. It's not my style to lie and say I have other offers - that also never works if you're not actually willing to walk away. But I wish I had some leverage. I'm not going to quit and deplete our savings. Even starting a new job at this point doesn't guarantee maternity leave (paid or otherwise). Feeling disappointed and stuck.

****

In other news, ten week OB appointment went fine. Took a while, as expected. Since blood pressure is currently ok I only need to go in every 4 weeks. Thyroid is at goal; only baby aspirin and prenatal for now.

We told parents last week and siblings yesterday. Working on figuring out how to break the news to close friends and work. Last time it felt really important to do it in person. This time around I'm trying to figure out why I'm conflicted about using zoom or a text. 

I'm falling asleep by 8 pm some nights, just can't keep my eyes open anymore. It's part of the reason I haven't had time to update. Sunrise to bedtime my hands are occupied trying to get everything around the house done while juggling a curious and energetic toddler. By the time he goes to bed I'm just done and I fall asleep shortly after.  Nausea is still constantly there. The scale has moved down by half a lb in about two weeks but I feel bloated and huge. Minor inconveniences. Grateful to be in this position.

Someday

I'm at a 4/10 level nauseous as a baseline all the time. When I wake up it's at 10/10. I started keeping an emergency cheerios stash next to my bed and power through eating 3-4 before standing up. Some days I can get to breakfast before the cheerios are rejected. Some days when I get breakfast down (eggs are usually the only thing tolerated) in time then I can manage the nausea until about 11. Most days it's just constantly there. Laying down helps but I don't have that option all the time. I know every pregnancy is different. Last time the nausea miraculously went away for the most part by 13 weeks. On the other hand I don't remember it being this bad back then. I'm down 8 lbs from transfer day. No energy after 8 pm and usually asleep by 9 most nights these days.

I saw an ad for a Van Gogh exhibit nearby which looked really cool. It made me think that there's hope for a post-pandemic world where we can go out and do things. I know it's too soon because I'm hearing of a lot of cases from asymptomatic kids, breakthrough vaccinated adults, complications for vaccinated adults. I don't know what the answer is to end this pandemic but I'm really tired of it. I'm so done with the fear and anxiety. I've been on high alert for so long that I can't anymore. I'm feeling mentally and physically exhausted all the time.... but letting our guard down is not an option. It doesn't matter that I'm triple vaxxed and masked anywhere I go - our tiny person is unvaccinated and is too young to mask properly. So we carry on being as careful as we can and praying we get through this with mind and body in tact.

Gross

I've been feeling gross. I wake up nauseous. I go to bed exhausted and nauseous, usually asleep by 9 pm most evenings. Everything is gross. Coffee is gross - I've been putting a quarter teaspoon for the color in my hot water/milk mug and it's still too acidic. Plain water makes me throw up. Colors and sounds make me nauseous. My clothes bother me. I feel bloated and uncomfortable all the time. I don't remember this part, or maybe it wasn't as bad.

The temp regulator in my office is broken so we've been shivering for the past week. When I turn on my heater it makes me gag. Adding a sweater makes me itchy. So I sit and type with numb fingers and take a walk every so often to defrost my blood. 

The clinic bases due date based off the transfer date and the OB bases it off of LMP, so there's about a week difference. Based on that, measuring right on target. I had my last scan at the clinic and released to my OB. Appointment scheduled for the end of this month. #blessed

What day is it?

It feels like there hasn't been a spare moment to sit and think. I've been trying to hold on to everything so that I can process when I have a minute to breathe. I can barely keep track of the days of the week, let alone wrap my mind around it being October. 

FET update: done three labs confirming doubling beta. One scan down, one scan to go before they release to OB. Crinone continues through 10 weeks. First scan we saw the flickering of a heartbeat. [Side thought: If I was in Texas and if this was an unwanted pregnancy, it would already be too late for an abortion. Not even a few weeks from when I actually got pregnant. Mind boggling.] In true second child fashion, all of this incredible news took a back seat to everything else going on.

Our little guy had a respiratory situation. It started with a cough he got at daycare. Progressed to include a runny nose and wheezing. Tested negative for covid. We know RSV was going around school so even though he never officially tested for it, because treatment would be the same, that's what I assume it was. Between telehealth, peds, and urgent peds appointments and follow up phone calls, we finally got something that worked. He was put on steroids which helped clear his lungs. It was very scary for a minute because if that had not helped the next step was the emergency room. Scary on its own; terrifying during a pandemic when case numbers are STILL going up. Cough will still take some time to go away completely.

Between all those appointments we had the holidays. So much prep and so much cooking. I am completely burned out. I can't think about shopping, menu planning, cooking, or looking at food. The holidays landed in the middle of the week and then shabbat followed shortly after. There was just no time to recover and clean up from one when there was another coming right up. This repeated for a month. We were mainly home on our own. We are still not socializing regularly, so there was a limited number of people we could see. There seems to be an outbreak in our community of covid so it was a lot of keeping him from others so he doesn't cough on them and they don't infect him. 

Above all that we had to work, trying to cram full weeks of work into truncated days. With no down time and feeling exhausted and crummy it's been a very hectic month. 

Grateful and happy. Ready to get into some new routine.