Day 329

Today is the 329th day since October 7, 2023. The war in Israel continues, with hostages remaining captive in truly horrific conditions. How is it possible that life goes on as normal while this nightmarish reality unfolds just a few miles from their homes? For the rest of us over here, every happiness, every success, and every milestone in life is overshadowed by the reality that the world has accepted evil and continues to live with it. We continue to pray for the IDF soldiers fighting to keep Israel safe, and the speedy return of the hostages, alive, back to their families. This is a heartbreaking video of family members shouting their loved one's names at the border; it's impossible to watch without crying.

Life keeps moving forward, both as a blessing and a challenge during this difficult time. Thankfully, the kids have started school. The last few weeks of summer after camp ended were rough—there was no structure, and we were just getting through each day until bedtime. They are a joy and a blessing and I'm grateful every day for them.

We're still dealing with our personal home life challenge of getting a special needs adult set up to get into a group home. To say it's been a challenge is an understatement. There's frustration at why this is so hard and taking so long. There's guilt in having my time split away from my kids. There's exhaustion at trying to juggle it all while working full time. As a stress-eater, I've put on over 10 lbs this past year. On top of being emotionally and mentally drained, I'm also not feeling or looking my best physically because of the extra weight. I'm hoping something will give soon so that we can move the process forward and be the first pickle to get everything else on the right path.

Day 315

Today is the 315th day since October 7, 2023. The war in Israel, and the hostages still being held captive, are constantly on my mind. I know many Jews feeling the same way, recognizing that there are varying degrees of this feeling depending on how close one is to the situation. For 315 days we've been praying to get our hostages back. There's currently a significant summit happening in Doha and I'm hoping there is some sort of agreement reached that gets the hostages back and doesn't compromise future safety of Israel. 

It's also day 7 of my cycle. I scheduled a mock embryo transfer for today because the results are good for a year and the last one I had was over three years ago. I don't know if we're warming up to the idea of transferring another one, but because this is cycle-dependent and within my control I decided to just get this done. I was a few minutes away from the clinic when I checked my phone for the suite number - it has been a few years. Only then I noticed that the appointment was scheduled for a completely new location. I was early for my appointment but even with the buffer time and speeding and assuming I'd hit no traffic, I would still arrive 5 minutes after the buffer window. Not to mention that it's a new location so I'm unfamiliar with parking and need to find the place and possibly fill out whatever paperwork wasn't done online. I called the office in a mild panic and they rescheduled me for Monday. It's the only day left this cycle they can do it so I had to shift several things on my calendar to make it work.

I could have also just canceled it. Why am I pushing it? I'm not sure. I recognize that doing this now doesn't mean we've decided we're transferring the last embryo. I want to believe that we'll get there, and soon, but know it's not just up to me. 

I also feel that I need to guard my heart. Transferring means that I'm putting out in the universe that "I want another baby." That is the one and only reason to transfer regardless of any other consideration on the pros/cons list. Admitting it means being vulnerable and hoping for the best but knowing it doesn't always end that way, based on too much experience. Transferring with the knowledge that it would be the end of our TTC journey puts extra pressure. 

Even knowing we're still in the process of considering it, I'm worried about delaying the timeline. For starters, my age. But more alarming is the state of the country and where things stand regarding fertility treatment. This article is just one example. For many reasons, I want to transfer and put this chapter behind us, one way or another. 

Day 283

The October 7, 2023 attack on our nation changed us all, collectively and individually. It started with a brutal massacre by terrorists on innocent civilians on a holy day in Israel, escalated into full blown war that has been going on for 283 days. Since then antisemitism has skyrocketed in America and globally. On the surface, our day to day goes on but in reality life feels unstable and fragile with a sense of urgency constantly bubbling just under the surface.

Almost immediately after the attack, I felt the need to go to Israel and help in any way I could. For the first time in my life, I regretted not serving in the IDF even though that wasn't done by girls back then. As months passed, this feeling grew more intense, pulling me toward helping my people. The intensity only subsided when I signed up for a solidarity mission and bought my ticket to Israel. Though it was just a small contribution, it felt right to help. We visited injured soldiers, sat with grieving families, packed food for those in need, and spent time picking vegetables to help feed the country and assist farmers who lost their workers to the war effort. Visiting the sites of the terror attacks—such as the Nova festival memorial, Sderot, and Tekoma where the burned cars are stored—was indescribable. The sheer horror of that day is unfathomable and it felt necessary to bear witness and help carry the responsibility of sharing the facts about what happened.

I wear the hostage tags in solidarity with those still held captive and their families who are enduring unending suffering not knowing the fate of their loved ones. After nine months they feel like they've gotten tighter and at the same time it feels wrong to take them off when there are still 120 captives in hell. 

My personal life has taken some turns as well. For years, I debated whether to leave my job, enjoying the benefits but feeling stagnant and bored. I occasionally looked for other jobs without real intention of leaving, fearing change and worrying about the loss of my flexible schedule. In September, I found a job posting on LinkedIn and contacted the hiring director, whom I knew. After several intense weeks of interviews and negotiating, I received an official offer letter and accepted. The new job is similar yet different and better than my last one, though I'm still finding my footing. Despite some imposter syndrome and questioning the move due to the different pace than I'm used to, I haven't regretted it.

We're also still managing the situation with the special needs adult in our life. This has become increasingly complicated over time, adding significant stress to our lives and our marriage. We're working on the application to place this person in a group home, but there are so many barriers along the way. In many ways, our life feels stuck because of it.

We revisited the topic of another transfer and agreed that, given our current high levels of stress, it wouldn't be the right move at this time. While I agreed to temporarily table the discussion, I feel a lot of resentment and frustration about it. The only correct reason to transfer is if we're both ready for another baby, and he's not quite on board. I can't even bring up the subject without it striking a nerve and starting an argument. Considering everything we went through to get those embryos, and yes - me specifically - it feels like a punishment not to be able to transfer. I can only hope we somehow get on the same page, and eventually get to a point where we have the peace of mind to close this chapter of our life. 

In addition to everything else, many people we know are moving to Israel - a concept referred to as "making Aliya" - due to disillusionment with America's politics and rising antisemitism, in addition to this growing compelling need to be in Israel. We teach our children to value Israel, so it feels hypocritical not to live there. I love being in Israel and want to support it, but living there is very different than visiting on vacation. There are significant challenges to making Aliya, such as financial hurdles, no separation between church and state, mandatory military service, cultural differences, and, oh yeah, active war. Despite these obstacles, I would consider moving. However, this is another tinderbox of a conversation where we can't even discuss it. He says the pros don't outweigh the cons, and he doesn't want to forever be an immigrant. I understand that on some level. Even so, I want to do right by our children and give them the values and childhood I missed out on. I don't know what the right decision is and feel it's not the right time to push the topic until I solidify how I feel about it. In many ways, until we get that special needs adult settled it's not a relevant conversation anyway. Another reason for resentment.

What I do know is that I feel uneasy. I feel like I'm not doing enough, or fast enough. I'm not seizing enough moments or creating enough memories. Life is short and I don't want to coast. I want to find the right path and put all my energy and resources into going full speed ahead. The question is: what's the target?