In the weeds

For years I took pride in not having fallen off the writing wagon, and tried to update with at least one post a month since the start of the blog. I didn't want mine to become one of those blogs that grew weeds and was rarely updated. But.... life happened. More specifically, life with some curveballs. 

My husband's mother passed away unexpectedly in February. In addition to processing his grief at losing his last living parent so suddenly, we were also tasked with some monumental hurdles such as cleaning out his childhood home, dealing with finances, and taking on the responsibility of another adult family member with special needs. 

It's been a very difficult road. We've relied heavily on extended family members to help us bridge the gaps in our ability and capacity. 

There have been some significant internal struggles as well. Knowing our kids will never get to know my husband's parents. How unfair it is that they waited so long for grandchildren and never really got to enjoy them. How unfair it was of his parents not to make any arrangements for their finances or the special needs family member, leaving it all to us to sort out and stress over. How traumatic its been to clean out someone else's 40+ years of accumulations in a house that could have been downsized years ago. Lot of guilt. Guilt at not being present for our kids while we deal with this. Guilt of what-ifs, had we done something different would things have turned out better? There's no way to know. The truth is that no one was in a place to receive feedback even if we had the wherewithal to provide it. Guilt about asking for help when we need it. Guilt for not being better prepared for this unprecedented situation. Not saying any of the guilt is justified; just stating that it's there.

So we move forward. We're trying to make the best of the situation, or at least keeping our head above water until we get some better footing. Trying to deal with several "#1 top" priorities simultaneously. 

I'm trying to make sure our kids don't feel the brunt of the stress. I'm also trying to keep routine as much as possible, and remembering to take the time to enjoy them every day. Between the ear infections, coughs, other doctor appointments, filling out forms for childcare and camp, packing lunches and washing bottles, endless questions, tantrums, and constant laundry, there is so much love these little beings bring into our life. 

The conversation of transferring our last embryo has taken a semi-permanent back seat until things settle a little more. We're not on the same page about it, but there's no point in bringing it up when we're operating at maximum stress levels. So the conversation waits while the lil guy chills on ice for the time being.