Tired

It feels like we never settled into a new groove since the newest addition to our family joined in May. Between one virus after another, being unable to get any help due to these illnesses, and the severe sleep deprivation that has settled into a semi-permanent brain fog, I'm not feeling like myself. 

The rise in anti-semitism is scary and mentally draining. The threat feels real and ever present. 

On top of that I'm feeling a lot of financial pressure. I know we've been hearing about "inflation" and "rising costs" as buzz words in news snippets whenever I can catch them or on social media posts, but I didn't realize how much it affects us until I saw a trend in the grocery shopping. I still do most of my shopping on an app and then pick up. It not only helps me stick to a list but I save an hour or two of walking around the store. I usually buy the same items so I can easily add them to my cart in the middle of a meeting or late night feeding and fit it into my day somehow. But that means I can also easily see the price increases over the past few months and it's insane. We're not buying exotic food. Eggs, milk, cheese, fruit, and vegetables.... all skyrocketed. I'm not even buying that much. The 5 lb bag of flour is now at $6.59 -- what? Switching brands immediately. There's the option to shop around and buy the cheapest things in different stores but I'm barely holding it together so I don't know if I can handle trying to add that to my mental load. 

It keeps bringing up the idea that I need to come up with more income. We're not spenders so it's not a question of pinching somewhere. Either me or my husband or both of us need to bring in more money. It's a scary economy right now and I'm worried about leaving stable work. On the other hand I shouldn't have to transfer money from savings just to be able to afford milk or formula for my babies. Yes, formula. I'm still pumping but the use of decongestants over the summer tanked my supply and I'm stuck underproducing. That story has its own baggage of stress.

I've also been stressing out about the exorbitant cost of summer childcare. Daycare in general is so expensive but for some reason reliable, licensed, good care over the summer months is even more expensive. I'm looking at nearly $7,000 for both of them for only eight weeks and it doesn't even cover the gap weeks between school and camp. Not only is it so much money, but these programs also want you to pay in full months in advance to hold the spot. Another dip into savings??

I considered maybe traveling for part of the summer by maybe cobbling together something with points and credit card miles and stay with family. It will still cost a lot and we don't have the paid time off of work but that might be a wash considering the alternative. I want to make it work because I love the idea of taking my babies to see the world. I'm not sure if it's the financially responsible choice though.

I think the first step is to get more than 45 min of sleep. The world looks different on the other side of a good rest. I know this is a season. I know we'll get past it. I know we'll figure it all out. I just don't know the path from where we are now to where we want to be. I hear memes mention adultier adults and I feel like that's what I'm looking for - just someone to help me out of the plateau I seem to be stuck in and help me help myself. Or someone to write a check for a lot of money and tuck me in for a long nap.

Thankful

The other morning I got a message from my fertility clinic. It was an email blast sent to everyone (I guess they don't filter out inactive or past patients) about the upcoming schedule around the holidays and end of year. They're letting people know last date to start any IVF cycle before the lab closes for its annual maintenance and cleaning. 

There's a strange feeling about seeing a reminder for something that used to take up so much mental capacity in the past. There used to be anxiety related to memories of the days when we were in the height of fertility treatment, where recalling details would bring on fresh waves of pain of loss and hopelessness. 

Now, under the fog of sleepless nights for the best possible reasons and the most exhausting mental juggle that is parenthood, getting that reminder brings some comfort. And relief. And renewed sense of appreciation for the helpers that got us to this point.

What a world of difference. As overwhelmed or frustrated as I get sometimes at the lack of personal space and time these days, I'm feeling incredibly grateful for what does fill up my mental capacity these days.

Whew

 We're talking about how it's ridiculous that the toddler isn't yet potty trained. We've tried it before (twice) and for various reasons it didn't stick. We know it's up to us to drive this wagon because he's comfortable and sees no reason to make a change. 

But it's been a time. We tried at winter break last year when I was in my second trimester. He was withholding at school so they said it was too much pressure and reassured me that he'll for sure catch on before I have the baby. Well.

Had the baby in May and since then it's been one thing after another. Ear infections. Bronchitis. Pneumonia. Whole family got covid. Then baby got RSV. Then toddler got a stomach bug. What in the world. We haven't had a full work week in months. 

I've been exhausted. My husband is exhausted. We're mentally drained. When are we supposed to also add the stress and pressure of getting a toddler  - who is lukewarm about participating, at best - to use the toilet. He's not motivated by food prizes. Stickers are not interesting. He's too smart to get bribed. I don't have the energy for it. I know it needs to happen. Just like we need to move him from a crib to a bed. I know. We don't want him to be the weirdo first grader who's still in a crib because his parents were too lazy, I get it. 

This is something we think about when we contemplate having any more. They say it's rough in the beginning, and that's true. I just want my babies to be happy and healthy. That's my wish for everyone this coming year. My goal is to have him toilet trained and in a bed by Thanksgiving. Wish me luck.

Rosh Hashanah 5783

My husband went to an earlier service on his own and then we went together to our regular synagogue as a family. We unlocked several new parenting levels, such as navigating the streets with our first double stroller and sending our toddler to the drop-off children's programming. It was fabulous. I wore the baby in services while he slept then went off to a side room to feed him before handing him off to my husband until services were done. The first day worked out better with timing and naps.

It was a lot - the shlepping, the juggling, the coordinating, being "on" and dressed for multiple hours at a time. It was exhausting but nice to be with people again. There were a few masks in shul but the majority of people weren't masked. It didn't feel weird to be in a crowd without a mask. Having the family recently recovered from covid was a big factor in why we were comfortable going to and being in shul. I'm glad I got a chance to be in services this year. 

At a point in davening I cried. It was the same point where in past years I pleaded for that to be the year we would be successful in our fertility treatments. The melody of the prayers transported me right back to that headspace of all those years, and this year I felt an overwhelming amount of gratitude commingled with all those emotions. 

I hope that we can get our act together enough to start hosting people for holiday meals again. It's a big part of the social glue in our world so it felt like a piece was missing. Overall it was a beautiful holiday. 

Covid +

About 900 days after the world shut down for a global pandemic, the coronavirus got us. My toddler's teacher tested positive on day 2 of school. My family got it and it got spread to my whole team at work.

One day I was feeling extra tired and run down and thought it was just the lack of sleep from waking with the baby. In the morning I had a scratchy throat and by evening my throat was on fire and I was coughing up thick mucus and having trouble catching my breath. I knew immediately it was different than a regular cold because of how quickly the symptoms progressed. I tested myself and it came up positive immediately. I tested the rest of the family and the toddler was also immediately positive, with negatives for the baby and my husband. 

At first my husband and I masked - me to protect my baby who was negative; my husband to protect himself from the toddler. Within days my husband also tested positive and got all my symptoms and more. Once there were three positives we stopped masking, not only because it felt pointless but also because it was really hard to breathe in the masks. We went down hard. Fatigue, dizziness, coughing, sore throat, GI issues, nausea, and more. There was a day I couldn't get my head off the pillow. Two days after that my husband couldn't move. The toddler sneezed about four times and that was it - basically asymptomatic. The baby showed symptoms last with some runny nose, slight cough, and a sad little low-energy cry, which improved within a few days. We were isolated for five days and it was very difficult taking care of the kids while we were both not feeling well, especially so since the toddler had his regular amount of energy and couldn't understand why he wasn't allowed to play with friends. We couldn't get any help because we were all positive and symptomatic. Since it happened to be over the holiday weekend, the toddler ended up only losing two days of school. On day 6 he was allowed to go back because he had no symptoms and was able to keep a mask on until day 10. The baby couldn't mask and so couldn't go back to daycare until after his ten days were done. We had to shuffle around childcare between the two of us and trying to get back to work while feeling sluggish and out of it. 

I still have a sore throat and don't feel like myself yet. Brain fog is no joke. My husband is still a few days behind me in recovery and slowly starting to get better. It's been an interesting experience going through it with my whole office (all first timers) - sharing war stories and comparing symptoms. We all had varying degrees of it and it's so strange that we all got the same thing. I consulted our pediatrician and a pulmonologist who both recommended the vaccine for our toddler even though he got it, even though it was mild. The reasoning is that the immunity he has now is unreliable and unpredictable and so the best protection is to get vaccinated. I wasn't delaying it; we were scheduled to get him vaccinated three times over the summer and each time it got pushed off due to another virus. I honestly thought that this far into the pandemic maybe I was immune or had gotten it previously asymptomatically and was kind of surprised it got to me. 

For the most part, I feel extremely lucky. I spent the better part of the past two and a half years trying to protect my child and then newborn from this virus. Knowing that "kids get it mild" but always worrying about those rare cases that get hospitalized kept us from so many things. On one hand I felt like I dropped the ball. I tried to protect him and I failed. On the other hand, it was a rubber ball: he got it and he was fine. There was definitely a moment of relief. I plan to enjoy this small window of time when we all have some natural immunity. 

Writing feels right

Every so often I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts. Sometimes it's a spiral of anxiety, spinning the most awful what-ifs and trying to figure out how I'd dig myself out of each scenario. Other times it's trying to organize my thoughts into some order and being unsure where to start.

At some point during our fertility treatment, after yet another loss, I tried therapy. Maybe it was the therapist, maybe it was my personality, maybe it was just not the right fit. For whatever reason it didn't help so I stopped after one or two sessions. 

I recall the point in our journey, back in 2016, on the eve of yet another new year without children, when I started the blog. I think part of me wanted to connect with other people going through the same thing. It quickly became the most trusted way for me to feel relief whenever my feelings felt like they were going to spill over beyond my control. 

As a bilingual, I frequently get asked "what language do you think in?" Answering that question means taking a step back and realizing that when I'm thinking, I'm figuring out how to tell the thought or story over to another person. Which means that whatever language you're currently more fluent or immersed in is the one you're probably going to be thinking in. 

Over the years writing has become an extension of my thoughts. I've referred back to it when meeting specialists to get exact numbers for whatever procedure. I've worked out how I feel about any particular situation or event by writing out the pros and cons and walked away feeling clearer. Sometimes it's to document for the sake of trying to unburden my mind from needing to retain information. I've poured my heart out time and again by writing out when I felt like the burden of my pain was just too intrusive and heavy to ask another person to listen to; sometimes seeing my pain reflected back at me through their reaction was too much to handle. 

Writing feels judgement free. Effortless. But also one-sided and bias. I can take as little or as much time as I want to formulate thoughts. I can abandon thoughts if I feel like I'm finished thinking about them. I can look back at old pieces and see how I've evolved.

I would consider monetizing writing if the opportunity came up but I haven't pursued it. I would hate for it to ever feel like a chore.

Why do you write? 

Birth Story: May 2022

At 11 weeks old I'm finally sitting down to write down the birth story for our second son. As I edit this, it's been 14 weeks. 

We were scheduled to leave the toddler with family the night before. What was supposed to be a quick and simple drop off became a whole ordeal. He totally knew something was up and refused to go to bed. That was the night he figured out how to climb out of the pack n play, and the house was completely not baby-proofed so it was impossible to let him "cry it out" to fall asleep. Since we thought it would be a quick drop off I had not eaten dinner yet and by hour three of this we were all ready to cry. Since I was scheduled for surgery in the morning the window to have something to eat was closing rapidly and we needed to make a decision. We ended up taking him back home and having a family member come over at 5 am while he was still asleep, and we headed over to the hospital. 

We checked in, it was quiet. I got my wrist bands that would annoy me for the next four days. My doctor had an unscheduled family emergency earlier in week, so my original surgery was moved three days later. It meant that I was the only one on my doctor's schedule for that day - she had come in just to do my c-sec. The floor was quiet. Instead of going to labor and delivery like last time, I was taken directly to a pre-op prep room. They took vitals and another covid test. I changed into a gown and they got an IV started and a monitor on. Several people came in to go over medical history, to talk about anesthesia, etc. My doula called ten minutes before she was supposed to arrive and said she had an exposure to covid, do I still want her there? I said if she's allowed to be in the hospital then yes. She's a hospital employee and vaccinated, and I didn't think there was an issue, especially since she was masked and gowned. Her job was to keep me calm and take photos. 

My doctor comes to say hi and we were ready to start. I was taken to the OR through an adjacent door while my husband and doula waited outside until the anesthesiologist was done. They had me sit on the edge of the table and curve my back. Not so simple with a 39 week belly. It was also the moment when my brain decided this was a good time to freak out. While I had confidence in the anesthesiologist, I was convinced this was the moment where he was going to paralyze me for life or give birth to a still-born. I was so in my head I couldn't think straight. He was setting up and I was tearing up. The longer it took him to do whatever he was doing back there, the more I cried. As it progressed I was full on sobbing and they kept telling me not to move, which made me more scared that I was going to manifest my fear because I couldn't keep still. I was crying and snotting into my mask, full on heaves. My blood pressure spiked to 170/100. My doctor came over to hug me and hold on while the anesth team worked behind. I asked for a tissue but it's a sterile OR, there are no tissues. I was given gauze instead. They let me take my mask off. There was a shot in my back and I felt water up my leg and completely lost it - I shouted out, "You missed, it's up my leg, my leg is wet!!!" Crying and sobbing hysterically. I was worried they'd start cutting before I was numb because they missed. I found out later it's called a "zinger" and it wasn't wet. I've never been so hysterical before, and I remember it completely and fully. The staff was wonderful and did everything to try to reassure me and calm me down. A nurse clipped some lavender scent thing on my gown to try to help relax me, but I'm sensitive to smells and I hated it. I asked, "Oh wow what is that stink?! What's that smell??" She took it away but it was the equivalent to a slap across the face - like, shake it off girl. They're giving you smelling salts, you're acting insane. Pull it together! At that point the anesthesiologist finally finished also and I lay down and calmed down. 

The spinal block for a scheduled csec is different numbing than the epidural and goes all the way up to the rib cage. That made it difficult to breathe. You don't realize how many of those muscles you use just to suck in air. They called in my husband and doula and started cutting. It seemed to take a lot longer this time until we heard baby. Once they said, "here he is!" and I didn't hear a cry I started to panic again. Where was the cry? What is happening? No one would tell me and I couldn't see anything over that stupid curtain. It wasn't anything - they were just focused and I was talking too softly for anyone to hear. Finally we heard that precious cry. Beautiful baby boy was 8 lbs 12 oz. So hairy. So cute. I don't remember much in the moments after - as soon as he was out and fine I felt like I could finally relax. I was having trouble breathing because of the numbing so they gave me oxygen. It took a while for them to sew me up. I remembered that from last time. They transferred me to another bed by rolling from one side to another - all I had to do was keep my arms crossed and they did most of the work with some sheets and magic. 

I got wheeled to post-surgery recovery where I was the only patient there. I was nauseous and so weak that I felt my arms couldn't hold the baby. I told the doula not to let the baby fall. My doctor came to check on me and work on the computer for a bit within sight.  The nurse and doula came over and they chatted a bit. The baby nurse came to check on baby and check his temperature. I felt kind of forgotten but was also so tired and recovering from the adrenaline rush from earlier. The doula shared the photos she took which were really few and blurry. I was disappointed with them. Baby latched right away and had no problem nursing. Soon after it was the three of us and one nurse. My husband had our stuff and rolled the baby bassinet while the nurse tried to roll my bed toward the Mother Baby ward on her own. The bed was kind of wonky and difficult to maneuver so she was having trouble doing it on her own. I was having trouble staying alert and the movement was making me dizzy, but I remember feeling frustrated for her that they were so short-staffed there wasn't another nurse available to help. She ended up flagging one on the way and together they got most of the way to the MB ward until the original nurse got a phone call on her cell about her kids school and had to leave for a few minutes. She eventually came back and I thanked her for all her help during the morning. She was the nurse that had checked me in was with me the entire morning. 

The next few days were long and exhausting. Due to outdated covid protocols the baby wasn't allowed to leave the room. Not just that there was no nursery - he wasn't allowed out of the room at all. We found this out when my husband rolled out the bassinet to the hallway to give me a few moments of quiet so I can fall asleep and he was ushered back by a nurse. I couldn't get any sleep. I was having trouble peeing and getting close to the deadline where if I don't pee they need to intervene, which made me stress out more. I was drinking so much water and it was accumulating but I wasn't able to pee. It finally happened shortly before the deadline. The room had a weird smell, maybe it was close to the cafeteria or there was an hvac issue. It was extremely cold until we had a maintenance person come. Again because of covid we had no visitors. My mother was allowed to come for a short time and that was it, unlike with our toddler where it was a parade of people throughout the whole stay. It did get a little lonely. At some point my husband went home to check in on the toddler who wasn't feeling well. We'd later learn that it was an ear infection. 

I was allowed to stay up to 4 nights but I was ready to go home asap. I would have left the next morning but baby wasn't ready. Then the following night baby had a choking incident which freaked me out and I needed reassurance that nurses were nearby if it happened again so we stayed a third night. We finally got home and our toddler was dropped off. It was surreal to try to juggle a toddler with a cold and a newborn. 

Now that I'm nearly done my maternity leave, I think back on the last fourteen weeks as we transitioned to a family of four. It's been really hard. It's not just the physical recovery, or just the sleep deprivation, or the constant non-stop energy from the toddler, or the struggle of breastfeeding, or the constant need to be on and alert because literal lives depend on it -- it's all of those together at the same time for months at a time. I'm so lucky I was able to spend the summer at home even if it was difficult. I'm grateful they're both here and I get so much joy from both of them individually and together and it was absolutely worth every single hurdle it took to get to this point. All that being true, there have been moments where I just need a break. Not even a vacation (even though I was envious of all the beach photos posted online), but just a physical and mental break. 

I'm going back to my full time job feeling like my tank is on empty. I've given myself a year to do some serious soul searching to figure out what I want. The past decade I've spent all my energy, time, and focus on building a family - it has been the primary and singular goal. So much so that all other passions have faded away. What do I want? Who do I want to be? Do I want to change careers? Do I want to move to another state or country? Do I want to try for a third? What will bring me happiness? While on one hand I feel confidence that I can succeed in anything I put my mind to, on the other hand it feels like I'm missing a spark to get momentum started. I don't know where the destination is so I can't even start to forge a path from point A to point B. In the meantime I'll brace myself for our new routine and daily grind while I try to figure it out.

What a week

In the past week we had an ER visit for a toddler that had trouble breathing, a diagnosis of cancer for a close family member, my first pp period and baby's first fever. Survival mode. 

Blue

I've been feeling blue.

Part of it has been due to a rough summer. Constant visits to the doctor for various reasons. Calls from the camp nurse during the day to the point where I can't relax my mind enough to nap during the day regardless of how little sleep I got during the previous night. Feeling trapped indoors due to unbearable heat or  torrential rain or recovering from yet something else. Envy at others' vacation photos at the beach and remote locations. It hasn't been all bad, and it's not that I'm not grateful for the good parts. This is only filtering out one piece of it that has contributed to my mood. I need to remember the converse when scrolling through other people's filtered reality skewed to the positive. 

Part of it is the end of maternity leave and having to transition my baby to daycare where I won't get to see him and hold him all day. It's too soon. I recognize my privilege at having had the first 3 mos together but it's still too soon to try to get into a routine with such a young baby. My first choice didn't happen. My second choice wasn't available. So we're going with plan C and while I'm grateful we have childcare, I'm frustrated at the situation. I'm sure the hormone fluctuations aren't helping.

Part of it is that I don't recognize myself. I don't remember this after my first pregnancy. Even though I didn't retain any extra weight everything is shifted and different. I'm always tired and stiff. My hair has visible streaks of silver. There are lines around my face that don't fade or bounce back as quickly like they used to. There's nothing I can do about aging but I could work on rebuilding muscle tone and getting enough sleep, for starters.

Part of it is feeling disconnected. I have a friend or two I can go out to lunch with. I have a friend I text often as a sounding board to talk out life things. I have one or two mom friends that I can schedule playdates for the toddler. But I don't have a group of friends to invite to a Sunday BBQ or rent a beach house together. Family friends where everyone gets along and can hang out together or independently. TV friendships make it seem so available but how common are those in real life? Do people really stay best friends with their elementary school friends? College friends? Old work mates? Neighbors? And if I haven't forged those connections yet, by my late 30s, am I doomed to a life of passing acquaintances? When everyone broke off into their pandemic pods that's when I started feeling something missing.  Have we just not met yet? Did we meet and I was too young and judgmental to give the relationship a chance? Where are my ride-or-die friends? Where do I start? I need a millennial how-to step by step guide, please and thank you. I would categorize myself as a social introvert or an extrovert wannabe, if those are a thing.

Sometimes when I'm feeling this way I think I need to take big steps to shake things up. Like move to another neighborhood, or change jobs, or get bangs. But I don't know what I want so I don't know what steps to take to get there. I'm too tired to think. 

Happy sad

This morning was one of those crazy ones where you feel like you're being torn in several different directions and want to be everywhere but, alas.... physics. 

The baby was hungry. The toddler woke up grumpy. The husband had done the last feeding at 5 am so wasn't quite functional yet. I was tired last night so I left the kitchen after dinner and dishes and trash needed to be addressed before I could even think of breakfast and packing lunch. At one point I was changing out the trash bag while trying to convince the toddler to go draw something. His response was a sobbing, "I want to color with you" and I realized that, at this moment, that was the priority. He needed love and attention and no amount of piled up dishes was going to make him understand that I was busy. He's not going to care or remember the state of the kitchen but he will remember the feeling of coming to me and having a need met. So we sat together on the floor and before breakfast or coffee, while the kitchen was a disaster, while the baby sucked on a pacifier, we attempted to draw a horse. Within seconds he had forgotten his grumpy mood and was smiling and engaged. Shortly after a neighbor started mowing their lawn (a true gift from above at just the right time) and the toddler settled at the window with breakfast to watch the grass getting cut so I took the opportunity to nurse the baby and get myself dressed. 

It's a juggle. Some of it is the mental juggle in my mind about priorities. Eventually the dishes and trash and even laundry got done, it was just in a different order than I had planned. That's ok. I'm glad that it ended up being a calm morning and a happy toddler was sent off to camp with breakfast in his belly and a packed lunch. 

I found a daycare for the baby and, while tearing up, I paid the deposit. On one hand I'm relieved I finally found a place but on the other hand I don't want to leave him. I'm not ready for maternity leave to end. I'm so sad about having to send him to daycare. While I do somewhat have the desire to be around adults again, I'm imagining sitting in a meeting with my boobs engorged missing my baby while they discuss some boring details about whatever subject. I'm happy and sad. 

Summer

The summer is going by way too fast. I always feel like July 4th marks the beginning of the end of summer. Especially when I start seeing Back-to-School sales.  

I've spent a large chunk of summer in some doctor's office. Between all of our appointments (urgent care and office visits for bronchitis/ear infection/pneumonia/sinus infection/sore throat/abdominal pain, colonoscopy, MRI, physical therapy, postpartum visits, and well-visits) among the four of us, it's been a busy several months. With everyone on the mend I can pause and be grateful for health insurance coverage. I've also spent several weeks dealing with the car after we were rear-ended. Among other things I need to prove disposal of the carseats so I can get reimbursed for the new ones, but how do you prove you disposed of them? 

I've yet to secure childcare for the infant and my maternity leave is over in just a few short weeks. I can't not go to work but the thought of leaving him with someone else all day makes me cry. So I avoid thinking about it. I was on the hunt for a nanny for a while but I don't think that's for me. All the licensed daycares nearby are full and have waiting lists through June 2023. I don't know what my other options are and I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm hoping it will work out. We can't go without my salary and I want to keep my full time status for various reasons including my student loan forgiveness. It shouldn't be this hard and how awful that this is an added stress to add to the postpartum recovery. Most American women are already back at work at this point postpartum so the privilege of still being home isn't lost on me. 

The baby gets cuter every day. He recently started smiling and giggling. Big brother is acclimating well after a really rocky start. I didn't know how hard the transition would be, and no one warned me, from one to two. In considering whether we want a third, it's a definite yes from me but my husband is not yet on board. There are still too many things that need to settle before he can even have the conversation. Maybe a post on this in the future to unpack all the thoughts. 

I'm sick to my stomach about what's happening around the world. Uvalde. Abortion laws. Politics. What is happening. Why is our country such a dumpster fire right now. The only country that keeps having mass shootings. The only country without basic care for people like family leave. Or formula! I had formula shipped in from Israel because it's been so difficult finding it here. We discussed hypothetical scenarios of moving to another country. Not seriously, but who knows. 

In the past few weeks every time I've felt scared or worried or frustrated or lonely I made a donation to a local charity that helps families who can't afford food or their bills. One day soon when the sleep deprivation isn't fogging my brain and I can function properly again then I'll be able to contribute more to society, but for now it's a small token of trying to do my part to add some good in this world. Choose kindness. Choose patience. Choose to be better. It's not always possible or easy, but it's something. It helps me feel a bit better, at least temporarily until the next news cycle.

Tough transition

The transition has been equal parts terrible and wonderful. 

The newborn stage is so fleeting and precious and despite the lack of sleep and pain of recovery I want to savor every moment. Yesterday the baby wasn't interested in being put down so I had him on my chest holding him while he snoozed. The weather was gorgeous and I watched the breeze sway the tree branches outside. The sun was peeking in and out of the clouds as they moved past. I ignored the dishes that needed to be washed and avoided looking at the laundry pile that needed to be folded. I stopped trying to recall when the last time I showered was. It can all wait. The baby's head had a faint smell of soap and I just listened to his coos and grunts, knowing he will not be this tiny for long and trying not to tear up at the thought of him already having outgrown the newborn clothes. I feel like I just took them out of storage. The toddler loves his baby brother and I absolutely adore seeing them interact. 

The toddler has been sick since we got home from the hospital five weeks ago. At first it was a double ear infection. Then it was a lingering cough. Now it's pneumonia and still a very bad cough. I think it's the same bug that's been persistently bothering him that the first dose of abx didn't get. Until this week at no point did he spike a fever or complain. I felt guilty when he was diagnosed because I had no idea. He was energetic, fever free, and totally acting himself until he woke up from nap "really tired" and wouldn't play with any of his toys. I was getting inconclusive results on his temp (98.5 first reading, 100.0 second reading - taken only minutes apart) but decided to get him checked out anyway and rushed to urgent care. He didn't have a fever there either and he was back to his energetic self climbing the walls while waiting for the doctor. The cough keeps him from sleeping so he's on a deficit and other than honey or vicks I don't know how to help him. I hope the second round of abx clears it up soon.

At the same time, I've been sick too. First I was sick with bronchitis. The following week my husband had a cold and as soon as he started feeling better, I got it but what feels like 10x worse. My sinuses feel like they're full of expanding cement and my chest hurts when I cough. My immune system feels so weak and I'm catching everything. We all tested neg for covid multiple times. It's been weeks of constant coughing in my house. 

I'm so sick of being sick. I'm so worried for my babies. I've been wearing a mask to nurse and change the baby so I don't cough directly at him. The toddler was supposed to start camp this week but he's not feeling well enough. We're on our own for childcare and everything feels overwhelming. On top of everything, I'm not getting paid because the HR department messed up the paperwork for the short term disability. All my careful planning was for nothing. I know I'll get back pay once it's settled but that could take weeks or months. It's such an unnecessary stressor at this point on top of everything else but it honestly pales in comparison to how huge everything else feels. 

I just want everyone to feel better. I'm scared and I'm tired. I'm coughing and I'm bleeding. I'm always thirsty and I never know what I want to eat. Praying for a speedy recovery for all of us and a much better continuation of summer than how it started. 

It's a boy!

Our little guy arrived two weeks ago and we are over the moon in love.  I hope to have time to write up a detailed birth story soon. 

The csection took place as scheduled and we were home after three nights. Our toddler stayed with family while we were in the hospital and came home with a cough, red eyes, and a stuffy nose. We got him an immediate PCR and when that tested negative we allowed everyone in the house at the same time.  A few days later I took him to the ped and they confirmed a double ear infection so he started antibiotics. The cough is taking its time and will likely linger for a few more weeks. We tried to keep the newborn out of the way but that was a disaster and complete failure. Trying to keep the baby away from his brother only made him more interesting and trying to divide and conquer between us made the toddler feel severe fomo for whichever parent was with the baby. It took several days to undo the damage those first few days caused. 

My recovery is going as expected. My csec hurts a lot; definitely more than I remember the first time. Nursing is going ok except for the fire nipples every so often. Supplementing with formula when available and freaking out about the shortage. Peeing was a challenge at first because it was so painful to relieve the pressure from my bladder which moved the uterus. A few days home from the hospital I developed a sore throat. I assumed it was what the toddler brought home because I kept testing negative for covid and strep but then it progressed into a deep cough and after a few days of the coughing hurting my cs I went to get it checked out. Turns out I got bronchitis. 

I had lined up a lot of help, knowing the transition would be difficult. I interviewed a night nurse who was supposed to come for several nights a week. I also hired a postpartum doula for the day time hours to help with nursing and further catch up on sleep. The night nurse came one night and was a bust - I'll write more about that when I have time. In short, our philosophies did not align and I didn't invite her back. The doula was a great help the two times she was here but their policy is not to come if anyone in the family has symptoms, since they're working with several families at a time and don't want to spread anything. So first the ear infection, then the bronchitis made it so that she can't come. 

Our oldest is having a tough time with the transition. When I left to the hospital, I left a baby and came back to a feisty, rebellious older brother. He not only feels huge compared to his teeny brother, but his personality has exploded in just a few weeks. He's gone from being the center of our universe to having to share the top two people in his life with not only a new family member but with sleep deprivation and other distractions. It really didn't help that literally the night we left him to go to the hospital he learned to climb out of the crib, so in addition to all the other changes bedtime routine has gone completely to hell. 

I want the baby to grow out of that danger zone where they're so fragile they can't have medicine or can't hold their own head or a fever is an immediate ER trip..... but I don't want to wish this time away. The newborn phase is so special and so quick. I know eventually we'll get to sleep more than two hours at a time. I know eventually I'll have coffee while it's still warm. I know eventually I'll have time again for TV or books or more than just a few minutes at a time of mindless scrolling on my phone. For now... I'm learning how to juggle this incredible new normal.

Still here

Not loving the "you're still here...!" comments from people at work. Yes, I'm still working because we live in a country with no family leave and any time I take off before birth will be shaved off my maternity leave. So every morning I haul my huge, stiff self out of bed to get dressed and get to the office. It's not so bad, but I'm caught up and checked out. So I'm taking a few minutes to write my thoughts and update the registry.

We gave our toddler the book I made explaining what's happening. He likes for us to read it to him a few times in a row. He definitely knows something is up and it was the right call to give it early. He's been very clingy to me lately. Bedtime the other night was difficult because he kept wanting me to come in to fix whatever, and had a meltdown whenever my husband went in. The next night my husband did bedtime and it went much smoother. 

Today we got a call from school that he got bumped on the head and we should watch out for concussion symptoms. I never enjoy the calls from the nurse's office but usually it has to do with another child scratching or a scraped knee. Head injury sounds scary and not something I ever want to deal with, let alone with this great timing. I called the ped, mainly because I'm a type-A-helicopter parent but also for reassurance to help keep me from panicking, and was told to watch him for 24 hours for signs of vomiting or lethargy. I just want to bubble wrap him and keep him safe.

I've been very emotional. Thinking through plans for the coming week, where we have to drop our son off with whoever will care for him while I'm in the hospital makes me instantly tear up. We've never been apart overnight, let alone several nights. I know that I need to hold it together when we drop him off so as not to alarm him. I also know, logically, that he'll be totally fine, and possibly not even remember this. I might also be channeling my anxiety about everything coming up toward this particular worry - hoping everyone is safe and healthy and that everything goes smoothly with an easy recovery. 

We're having a hard time with names. I think the anxiety of not having that finalized is also weighing on me. We had a hard time choosing the toddler's name but once we settled on it we thought it's the greatest name in the world, patted ourselves on the back, and still believe we'll never be able to match or top it. 

Similar symptoms this pregnancy included lack of sleep toward the end (I'm up about 2 hrs every night regardless of what time I go to bed), extras in my nose, emotional, and more anxious. Different this time is how I'm carrying. I feel bigger even though I didn't gain as much (27 lbs last time; 17 lbs this time). Despite the weight gain and carrying big, I think I carry very well and look great for being this far along. My body frame spreads it out and everything is tight and curvy - I take no credit for any of this, it's entirely genetics. As soon as baby is out I'll transition into the deflated balloon look and then need to work hard to get back into some sort of shape. For the time being, enjoying whatever this is going on. I've never had body image issues, and hope I don't start now, but I do hope to be able to commit to some sort of routine because I want to do what I can to be strong and healthy. It all depends on priorities.

I'm in the bathroom constantly this time whereas last time I don't remember it being so bad. Sometimes I'll be sitting in bed, finally comfortable, and baby will move on my bladder making me think it's urgent. When I get to the bathroom there's nothing (mainly because I had just gone) because it's just baby moving around and using my bladder as a trampoline. I also don't remember being this stiff. If I don't move around it's harder to get up. 

I'm not as irritated this time around, but I think that has a lot to do with the weather. Last time I was huge during the height of summer and this time it's been a very mild and chilly spring so I'm not sweating all the time. Could also be because I'm more tired after running around the toddler. Could also be I've matured as an adult and have more patience.... lol jk.

Home stretch

My scheduled c-section was moved. I scheduled it based on my doctor's availability and it turns out the doctor will be taking an emergency trip out of town that day. I found this out at my "last" biophysical appointment earlier this week. Technically I could stay with that date and take whichever doctor is on call but for major surgery I prefer my own if I have the option.

So birth is delayed by 3 days. I'm actually fine with it. I wasn't thrilled with the original date that I was given, even though I know logically it doesn't matter. I had made peace with it and planned accordingly. This time around, the date moved closer to the weekend so it puts a few extra bumps in the scheduling because of shabbat - childcare arrangements are different and my husband going back and forth is different. We'll have to figure out all the details. 

I washed some infant clothes and prepared the room. I interviewed a night nurse who will help for a few nights at the beginning. I ordered a dresser and updated the gift registry. I also made a book with photos for our toddler to help explain what's happening when we're not around. It's basically a powerpoint presentation that I printed out - not very fancy but hopefully will help him with understanding why his parents are suddenly not around for a few days. I'm debating whether to give it to him in advance and read it to him to explain, or have it presented to him the day things are happening. Part of me wants to tell him soon so that he can prepare and ask questions and have time to process; another part of me thinks that he'll be just fine if we don't make a big deal out of it so why bring it up and stir up unnecessary separation anxiety? It's so hard to know in advance. He has been a little more clingy these past few days so I think he is picking up on something going on, even if he doesn't know what. 

My phone charger stopped working and it's taking the phone company excessively long to fix the situation. 

We're doing a little exterior house work. They had to wait until the weather cooperated and since it's been chilly and rainy since February this was the first week they could start. Cutting it close. 

I saw myself on a zoom meeting today. I'm not saying I'm feeling my prettiest these days, but the unflattering angles and lighting on zoom don't help. 

Pesach 2022

We made it through Pesach. I've gotten preps down to a science over the years, doing the basics and getting help wherever I can, but it was still a lot. I paid my cleaning crew extra to do a deep cleaning including the oven and fridge. I ordered some catered trays of food to ease the amount I needed to cook. We limited hosting to just two meals, and declined any invitations because I'm not up to walking anywhere these days. Many family members were traveling out of town and the one that stayed local had tested positive for covid so they were isolating.

There were no days where I was off work and he was off school for me to just crank everything out, and everything takes longer with a toddler trying to help. I hired a neighbor's 11 year old a few times to help us entertain him while I cooked and prepared. My husband helped as much as he could around his work schedule. Chol hamoed was hard with cold and rainy weather. I tried to do an activity every day, trying to stay within budget and considering my limitations for how far I can walk or move.  Somehow we managed to keep him happy, fed, entertained, and occupied for the past 10 days. When he's in a good mood it's a really fun stage; when he's in a less-good mood it can be really challenging to stay patient. We're lucky that he's generally well-behaved. As much as we love spending time with him and enjoy his energy and newfound independence and curiosity for everything, I find myself breathing a sigh of relief at bedtime when he finally falls asleep and we have some quiet... then I miss him. 

We're still on weekly appointments. I'm up 12 lbs from transfer date but look huge. People are visibly uncomfortable when I bend down to pick something up, or get up from a sitting position. For the most part I feel ok, just a lot of tightness in my lower back. I tried to schedule physical therapy but everyone was booked. I ended up getting a prenatal massage and it was just ok - didn't release any tension in my lower back and wasn't as good as a usual massage. Maybe it was just not a good therapist.

We know it's getting close but are having trouble wrapping our mind around it. I need to install the infant car seat, pull some newborn clothes out of storage to wash, and get the room ready. I think I needed to get past Pesach first to be able to mentally make the shift. On one hand we barely had anything set up for the first (because we were so superstitious) and it was fine; on the other hand I know things will transition more smoothly if we prepare in advance before we're sleep deprived trying to juggle newborn and toddler. 

Undies

Last week our little guy was sent home from school for being too fussy and just not acting like himself. He developed a fever within 24 hours and we were on a motrin/tylenol loop for the next few days. It's so, so sad when they're sick. All he wanted to do was to snuggle up or rest in his crib which is so different than his usual bouncy, boisterous personality. As I tried to push liquids to keep him hydrated, I barely ate. My last appointment had me at two lbs less than the previous week, for a grand total of +10 for this pregnancy so far. We took him to the ped to get checked out and he tested negative for everything (covid, strep, flu, rsv) so just a random virus. I guess that's what happens when masks come off. 

I had a big project at work completed successfully earlier this week. My original thought was that I'd be able to check out mentally after that was done, but I'm still pretty focused so I'm happy about that. Pesach is around the corner and I'm trying to do something small every day so that it doesn't pile up. Even though I gained less weight this time, I'm carrying very different somehow and I look and feel very large. I accidentally dropped something at work and someone rushed to get it from the floor. It makes people uncomfortable to see me bending or lifting or moving quickly, even though that's basically what life with a toddler is.

We're trying to get a second car. We sold my husband's car back in 2020 when we saw that the "two week wait" wasn't ending any time soon. It was definitely the right decision and I have no regrets about getting rid of it. The car was taking up space, we didn't need it, and we were able to use the profit to pay off debt. Plus we saved two years of insurance payments and maintenance costs. But now the remote-work-gravy-train is over and we need a second vehicle. The car market is completely bonkers, second only to the housing market. I'm having a hard time finding anything for less than $30k, new or used, that will fit our needs. I'm very practical and just want something safe and functional but there is such limited inventory. Been researching toyotas and subarus - should I be looking at different models? I visited a few dealerships and test drove a few cars. I'm really ok with anything, I'm just trying to keep it under a certain price and it seems like that doesn't exist. So I'm dragging my feet and in the meantime we're spending a fortune on Uber. 

My latest complaint is uncomfortable underwear. Nothing fits comfortably. It's fine when I put it on but then sitting or moving or anything just bothers me, and then it makes me in a bad mood. I'm not a fan of going commando and it's getting too warm to keep wearing leggings. Small dose of TMI for the day. 

I still participate in fertility support groups online. I like being able to answer questions regarding halacha (Jewish law) as it pertains to fertility treatments. Not only did I research it and find out the answers when it was relevant to my situation, but I also lived through it for many years. I think it brings comfort to people to know that they're not the only ones with these questions. I always quote my sources and provide relevant links so that they can do additional research if they choose, but most of the time they're just thankful to have a direction to get started.

Shabbat shalom.

32

We're at the point where I'm doing weekly biophysical tests, so ultrasound, NST, and doctor. If the stars align you can get in and out in under 45 minutes but that's rare. The first appointment happened to be at noon because it was scheduled recently and all the schedules were booked so I had a long wait in between and was there nearly 2 hours in the middle of the day. It's a busy week at work and I was frustrated to be stuck there. I was also really annoyed at the NST - I don't remember them being so uncomfortable. Lay in a specific position without moving for at least 20 minutes while this ancient machine tries to pick up information from a squirmy baby trying to avoid the monitor. Whenever I tried adjusting from the uncomfortable position, the signal would get lost. I was stiff and sore by the time it was over and asked to start the petition to switch out that horrible exam table for a lazy boy chair. The technician was also really grating on my nerves because her response to everything was to laugh. What's so funny?! Clearly I was sour and just overall grumpy at having to be there. When I was finally released I took a moment to breathe in my gratitude that it was just a temporary discomfort and that all the results were ok, BH. 

I've gained 12 lbs to date but feel very, very large. Looking back at my post from last pregnancy, I was at +21 lbs at around this time (27 total), but I'm definitely carrying higher this time. I never felt my belly was in the way last time and this time it feels like it's everywhere. Yesterday I felt very snackish but regardless of the mountains of junk food we've accumulated over the past week with Purim, nothing seemed to be appealing. I ended up chopping up a salad with tomato, cucumber, red pepper, olives, and avocado, with a little balsamic vinegar and salt. 

I've been in a mood lately. I was blue about canceled birthday plans. I was disappointed at various things. There's a coworker who I have a hard time seeing every day and when I tried to isolate the reason(s) why, there are just so many so I assume I just don't like this person. I'm emotional about all the changes about to take place. On one hand it feels like time is speeding by and I can't believe my scheduled c-sec is so soon; on the other hand I feel like I've been pregnant with this baby forever since this cycle started in August. I've been having trouble sleeping. Partially because I'm uncomfortable or have to pee, partially because it's harder to calm my mind these days with a lot going on. 

I have a few posts I started and then just left as drafts. Not sure if I wasn't happy with them or just didn't have the mental energy to fully formulate my thoughts, but I'll try to be better about it. I'll end it here and post before I find a hundred things to edit. 

Can of worms

I had an opportunity to talk to my supervisor about my proposed maternity leave plan and I grabbed it! We are nearing the end of a contract with some consultants and I have been picking up where they're leaving off to make sure things continue to run smoothly. Since it's not the type of thing that can just be handed off to someone random, my supervisor will likely take those tasks on while I'm out and I needed to explain the process. I've been doing it a while so for me it's clear and makes sense, but for someone who is just coming into it, it might seem overwhelming. The conversation naturally flowed to timeline - when will I be out, when am I coming back - aka how long does my supervisor need to deal with all this until I come back? 

I mentioned that maternity leave sucks and I would consider starting some part time remote work while I'm on leave to complete my salary. In return, I would want to continue remote part time work through the fall, coming back part time to the office, and retaining my full salary and benefits for the duration. This way I could hire a nanny, offer her a decent multi-month contract, and not have to think about daycare until baby is 6 months or older. 

The response was better than I anticipated. The can of worms has been open and now the idea is out there. I'm glad I had a chance to think it through so that I could articulate the plan. I never mentioned the idea of finding another remote job - I don't think I want that and it really would be a last resort. My supervisor will bring it up to the boss and we'll take it from there. I did mention that I didn't think they would be open to the idea because they were so against working from home during the pandemic. The response to that was that it's different to work from home during leave versus permanently. I don't understand the difference but I didn't argue or push the point. I have a meeting in a few weeks so will follow up if I don't hear back by then.

Family leave

I'm baffled at what constitutes family leave in the united states. In every fb group I'm in, whether it's a finance group or a women's group or a mom group, there are people from all over the world who just can't understand why USA doesn't have any sort of established maternal or paternal leave after the birth or adoption of a child. 

Some countries give 12-18 months paid leave even if you're not employed at the time of birth; some countries go up to three years; some countries even give a stipend to parents for every child until their 18th birthday. In the US we get to not get fired while we go unpaid for up to 12 weeks. Not only does health insurance suck so the bills skyrocket around the labor and delivery, plus there's no such thing as reliable and affordable daycare, on top of that we also need to get by without an income while recovering from a major medical procedure on no sleep. 

With my son born in 2019, at 11 weeks old we were just getting into a rhythm with breastfeeding. He was definitely not sleeping through the night. I cried when I dropped him off at daycare the first day. When I went back to work I was not a productive employee. I had accrued the maximum amount of days off I could take and we couldn't afford for me to stay home past 11 weeks. I was pumping at least once in the morning, once in the afternoon, and rushing at lunch to visit my baby at daycare to kiss and feed him. Even at my most efficient it was still taking 30-40 minutes for each session. I would come home and it would be a mad dash to unpack the bags, clean off the pumping equipment, care for an infant and try to get anything around the house done. As horrible as those early days of the pandemic were, one silver lining was the relief of not to have to deal with pumping anymore while working full time out of the house. Breastfeeding lasted to 15 months mainly because we were home together - I don't know how long I could have sustained the pumping at work situation. 

So how do I want to do things differently this time around? If I had it approved, here's what I would prefer. First, I would go back to the office only part time. Very part time to start and gradually increase hours as the baby grows and sleeps through the night. I would prefer to get a nanny at home for the first few months then, around November or December, reevaluate whether I want to look into daycare and possibly start group care in January for more full time days in the office. 

My employer is not happy about remote work. It's a comfortable situation and I'm not ready to leave just yet but this might be the push I need to make a change. When I propose this scenario, I want to be ready to walk away. If they don't agree to letting me come back part time, and part time at home, then I will look for something fully remote. I'm not interested in making a career move right now but I'm not at all interested in the mayhem that was daycare at 11 weeks with my oldest. 

It took me years to accrue the 11 weeks I took off last maternity leave; I haven't had as much time to accrue that this time around. I've already started saving up for the days I'll be out but it's unlikely that they will pay my full salary for the duration of my full 12 weeks. I would hate to leave, and I would hate to have to spend my mat leave interviewing and applying for jobs, but I prefer to be home instead of sending to daycare those first few months. If they can't work with me, I might need to be ready to walk away. I'm a valuable employee who's been there for over ten years but I know everyone is replaceable and I don't know if they have any incentive to bend the rules for me.

Emotional

At my appointment today they scheduled my c-section. Because it's scheduled, you can submit preferences but in general you're basically just assigned a slot, so I prioritized requesting my own doctor. When they called me to confirm the time, the lady on the other line was excited, saying in a sing-songy voice, "I know when your baby's birthday is!" and I was not in the mood for it. I was feeling very emotional. 

The date isn't what I had in mind. For some reason I thought I'd be able to just pick a time and date on the calendar. I don't know what I was thinking because that's not at all how hospitals work. I might dislike that it's an odd day? I don't know. I also got caught off-guard that we have to be there so early, like at 5 am. Apparently that's because scheduled c-sections get bumped if there's a labor or emergency c-section, so they schedule them right at the start of the doctor's shift to cushion the time. I don't necessarily care about the time or the wait or the bump, but in my mind I thought I'd have time to drop my son off at school before heading to the hospital. Needing to be at the hospital at 5 am means he needs to start his night elsewhere, but more than that, it means that he will wake up and we won't be there. 

It's true that all of our worlds are about to be turned upside down. The difference is that we as adults understand that something big is coming and we can mentally prepare. At two years old, our son is just a baby himself and has no idea what's ahead. It's not just that he's young; he grew up in a pandemic and to say his world is narrow would be a huge understatement. He's never been on a bus or a train or in a restaurant or library. I hate the idea of leaving him and the thought that he might feel abandoned or confused makes me ugly cry. Pandemic restrictions mean he's not even allowed to visit at the hospital and when I think about how much I'll miss him I can't stop crying. It's least about me, but if this is how I feel, I can only imagine how he will feel.

I asked a bunch of questions about the date and she humored me, answering them, but there was really no flexibility. I could change the date but then it wouldn't be my doctor. I could change to the following week but my doctor's shift is past my due date and they don't want me to go past that. The week prior is too early for a scheduled cs. There's no flexibility with the time, but I think I'll ask about that at my next appt. 

I know it's incredibly privileged to be disappointed by a date. I'm lucky I can try to plan ahead. There's a reason why traditionally the Jewish response to a pregnancy announcement is "B'Shaa Tova" instead of Mazel Tov. B'Shaa tova is Hebrew and literally means "in a good hour," or in other words, all in good time. Whenever this happens, that's the right time that it's supposed to happen. It's also a way to recognize that something good is on its way but not necessarily here yet, reminding us not to take for granted healthy, full-term pregnancies. I understand all this and I believe that whatever is supposed to happen will happen when it's supposed to. 

The other piece of it keeps making me cry. Depending on how recovery goes, best case scenario is that we're released within a day or two. I tear up at the thought of being apart and I'm having a hard time with it. I know he'll be in good hands with whoever we leave him with, and that he will get over it and be ok with minimal long-term effects, if any. For likely not the last time, I feel guilt that one baby's needs are taking priority over another's. 

Twos-day: 2.22.22

I love numbers and I can't let this day go by without a shout out. 2/22/22 on a Tuesday! It's fabulous.

Some people wore a tutu to work. I'm sure millions of people got married today. Great day to schedule a c-section. Charmin took it a little too literally about #2 and made a whole poop float with the charmin bears. Check out their instagram if you enjoy pun humor. 

I'm glad to see things that aren't virus or war or economy related.

Second trimester thoughts

I'm nearing the tail end of the second trimester. About two weeks ago I started getting comments that I "popped" - in other words what I've been thinking about feeling huge is confirmed by everyone around me. Last pregnancy I was in my regular clothes well into my third trimester, whereas this time I really can't wear anything not maternity anymore. The maternity clothes I do have are all for late August and it's still very cold and windy here so I had to buy some new stuff. I feel ok, just heavy and uncomfortable. I try to get up and walk often during the day because I get stiff if I'm in one position too long. 

It's a holiday weekend and it seems like everyone is traveling. It makes it feel like spring is just around the corner although I do admit there's some jealousy. We've never been good at prioritizing travel even if it's something we enjoy. There was also rarely spare money for a trip and we'd save for a while before each one. It's not that I don't want to spend the money. It's that there is a finite number of dollars and I try to consider the ROI.  For example, a vacation will last a few days, but a backyard upgrade will serve us for several seasons. I worked too hard to dig out of debt and while I'm very much pro saving money to spend it on things that bring you joy, I doubt any vacation we take right now will be very satisfying considering all the limitations. I have a goal of a big trip and I'm saving up for that so at least it's something to look forward to. In the meantime, muting those instagram stories helps. 

I'm excited about our own version of adventures coming up. I pray everything goes smoothly and everyone comes home safe. It's different this time around because I have some idea of what to expect. It's also different this time because I'll have more to juggle. There are a few big things coming up before I can really lean in to the brain fog, like preparing for Pesach and a few big projects at work.

Not getting my tubes tied just yet but along the lines of wanting the freedom to travel, I think part of me is wanting to dissociate from the ttc stage of life. I've prioritized family building for the vast majority of the past decade. It feels normal to want to clear some space for something new. 

Thursday thoughts

I don't have anything in particular on my mind. I felt like writing so I figured I'll start typing and decide whether to post it after I'm done. 

I started playing wordle, like the rest of the universe. Sometimes I'll cheat by going to a scrabble helper website for ideas, but then it's less fun. What's the accomplishment there? 

We're in the middle of potty training. It's hard for everyone but he's doing great. Still multiple accidents a day. As long as the teachers are ok with it, I think he'll pick it up soon. I was going to potty train over winter break but I didn't have the mental energy for it, and it turns out a lot of staff was out afterward so it was actually good that we didn't get to it then. We're not worrying about night or nap training yet. We had to learn to be ok with accidents and it takes an infinite amount of patience. We're all still learning. 

I need a haircut. Scheduling and going seems like a monumental effort.  

Getting bigger. I'm not uncomfortable yet but I notice myself getting short on breath sometimes. Trying to walk while carrying a 30+lb toddler while wearing a double mask might also have something to do with it. Lots of movement. Sometimes I forget and then feel movement. Hormonally all over the place. Sometimes I'll see a picture of our boy when he was a baby and it will bring tears to my eyes because of how cute he is. 

Trying to address the feeling yuck (stuck re covid, stuck re job, current news) situation with retail therapy. Looking into buying a swingset and fixing up parts of our yard so we can enjoy the outdoors when the weather gets nicer. 

I was rewatching a show that I had seen years ago. I know I've seen it because characters are familiar and even some facial expressions. But I have no idea what the plotline is or how any of the episodes end so it's a great option to rewatch. In one of the episodes a senior FBI agent demands information from her boss who responds with, "...that's above your clearance level. Just do your job!" and it got me thinking. There are times at work when I feel out of the loop and it bothers me that other people are in the know but I find things out through the grapevine, if at all. It's part of the reason I loved working from home - no office gossip and no grapevine. This line in the show was basically an epiphany.... everyone deals with this on some level with their job. It felt very freeing to accept that. 

Support

A few months ago I connected through a facebook support group with someone looking for advice regarding the two clinics we used. I told her I was happy to chat and let her decide if she wants to contact me. We ended up talking for nearly an hour, answering her questions and sharing my experience. Earlier this week she reached out again, asking if I'd be willing to talk to another friend with the same questions.

At this point in my journey, where my role has shifted and life looks very different, I still feel connected to people who are struggling and want to offer any help I can. I know that it's a delicate balance to hear from someone not currently in it so I try to be sensitive about how I communicate and what information I share. They don't need to hear all the ups and downs of my struggle because they will have their own unique journey; they need to hear what would be helpful to them, which means filtering out anything irrelevant and keeping enough information to be helpful and offer hope.

I think @iwassupposedtohaveababy on instagram does a wonderful job of balancing that sensitivity. It is a virtual supportive space for anyone facing fertility related challenges, mainly geared toward the Jewish community but the content is relevant to anyone struggling.

Job talk

If you've been here a while you know I've talked about the love/hate relationship I have with my job. The pros include time off for holidays (Jewish and legal) and vacations, short commute, and some schedule flexibility. The cons include low salary, no growth, and some coworkers. 

The biggest drawback has been the recent rigidity regarding working from home. My job can be done remotely but the head supervisor prefers everyone in the office. Even summer 2020 before vaccines, even during every surge, including this one. 

On the flip side, one of the top reasons I stay is because my organization is a qualified employer under the Public Servant Loan Forgiveness program. Which means that after 120 qualifying payments under this program, the balance of my student loan gets forgiven. I have 35 months left which means another three years in the program. 

I could switch jobs to another qualified employer - any government or 501(c)3 - but then I think about whatever politics there would be in that place and wonder if the change is worth it vs just waiting it out and starting fresh in the for profit world. In three years we may also be past the ttc/infant stages and I'd be able to focus on proving myself at a new job. 

On the other hand, do I want to wait and lose out on the earning potential in the prime of my career? Limited growth now feels like lost opportunity that will compound over the years.  My career growth  stalled about 5 years ago and been plateaued since. 

I thought I don't have time or energy to devote to a side hustle, but I think if it was something I enjoyed (i.e., writing articles or teaching a webinar) I would find the time for it. If I make the effort for that I want to do it because I enjoy it, not because I'm struggling to meet my financial goals. 

Young-me made decisions that makes current-me feel like I'm painted into a corner. I recognize that the past few years were very much dedicated to prioritizing fertility treatment and I don't regret that. At the same time I don't want future-me to look back at current-me and think about the things I should have done. 

Part of my 2022 list of goals was to learn something new so I'm taking a class on the stock market. The more I learn the more I realize how much my brain was missing that stimulation. The news reports about the Great Resignation is also encouraging because it's telling me that I'm not alone in this thinking - everyone is looking for a change, even if it isn't exactly for the same reasons.

Mixed into all of this is potential maternity leave. I don't want to put my baby in daycare at 11 weeks old again. I definitely don't want to make myself crazy trying to pump again. It was because of the lockdowns and the fact that we were home that I was able to nurse to 15 months. I don't know if I would have lasted with the pumping at work schedule insanity. This time around I want to tell them that I'll be working from home more regularly while still keeping my full time status for the PSLF program. If they don't agree to those terms I want to be in a financial position to give my notice and take the time to find a fully remote position. 

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I had these thoughts on my mind and needed to get them out. It's frustrating to feel stuck. It's gotten to a point where the student loan situation hanging over every decision feels like a ball and chain situation. Someone suggested I speak to a career coach, but what will that person tell me that I don't already know? It basically boils down to whether I want to make a change now or wait until my student loan is forgiven. 

Are there other options I haven't considered?