Lurking envy

I wonder if those jealousy niggles will ever fully go away. I don't like to use the word trigger because it's overused and means something different to each person. For me it's more like a tug in my heart, the sting in my eyes, the pull in my gut. Then guilt that I feel it at all instead of just being happy for someone when they share their news.

Last week Dylan Dryer announced she was pregnant with baby number three. I'm not sure why it left me feeling unsettled. Because it was a surprise? Because she's in the public eye? Because they seemed to be done? It doesn't matter and I'm not sure why I care. To start, I have no idea how long they've been trying, and it wasn't anyone's business whether they're done having kids after their second. I dislike that envy is my knee-jerk reaction. 

The daycare had an end of year picnic. Because of covid they held it outside where the parents could be socially distant, and because of the cicadas they did it a month early. It was the first time parents got to meet each other since we're not allowed in the building. I have no problem asking people if they're vaccinated. I don't care if someone thinks it's a personal question. [If they're vaccinated they have no issues saying so, and if they're not comfortable answering the question it's likely because they're not vaccinated and I know to keep my distance. I have no patience for people's feelings when a global pandemic relies on the majority of people being vaccinated so that we can collectively protect the most vulnerable among us who cannot get the vaccine. I try to reel in my judgy attitude, but if someone doesn't get vaccinated I have a hard time trusting their general judgement.] Anyway, when someone near me asked another couple near us if they're fully vaccinated, the dad answered "I am" and the mom hesitated. Turns out she only recently got her first shot because her OB recommended she wait until after her first trimester. She leaned back and rubbed her belly. Slight panic - are we not keeping up? - dissolved quickly.

A coworker of mine is due next month and she's starting her maternity leave coon. Besides for the luxury of being able to afford taking time before the baby is born because of her husband's income, I'm jealous that she's about to start the newborn chapter. It's a difficult stage with a lot of anxiety, for sure, but I loved every second of it. 

The envy has gotten better with time. It's certainly better than it used to be before I had a successful pregnancy. When Kristen Welker announced her news, I had none of that. I've since realized my trigger is specifically pregnancy related, not necessarily babies. Even though it's my knee-jerk reaction, it dissipates quickly. Maybe one day I'll get to a place where I'll hear of a pregnancy announcement and not feel any jealousy. 

Here we go again

I have some annual appointments coming up in June with my gyn and endo. I figured once I get those sorted out, it would be a good time to start the conversation again with my RE about an FET timeline. When I called the RE office last week to schedule my telehealth for after those June appointments, it seemed like the schedule was very full and I couldn't get in until late June. There happened to be one opening available for this week so I just took it, and suddenly... we're back in just like that. 

We met earlier this week and discussed a potential timeline. There are three things that need to happen before the FET: mock transfer, saline ultrasound, and biopsy. I originally thought that all three could be in one appointment, but apparently they need to happen at different points in my cycle. It's preferable that the biopsy happens the month before the FET but the other ones could happen any time and results are valid for a year. As soon as I was done the telehealth appointment I contacted the front desk to get scheduled for the saline ultrasound and mock transfer which I did this morning. 

I got to the office about 10 min before my procedure. Before even arriving there was a covid screening online, as well as one at the front desk. The waiting room had changed a lot since I was last there. The magazines and informational pamphlets were gone, replaced with hand sanitizer pumps and social distancing signs. There were only about 5 available seats in the waiting room, instead of the usual 40. I got called back, they took vitals, and I was asked to sign paperwork. They started with the mock transfer, then I emptied my bladder, then they took measurements (including inspecting my c-section scar), and did the saline ultrasound. We chatted for a bit after and I was done. Thankfully, I think we're cleared to move forward. I had severe cramps after the procedure. It got better with time and advil, but man on man I had forgotten that discomfort. 

I feel like things are moving fast and not fast enough. I'm excited to try again and I'm scared of what's to come. I'm worried about juggling everything, and pandemic stuff, but as it is we waited longer than planned and I don't want to keep waiting.