The year 2020

 This is the year that historians and scientists and journalists will be talking about for years to come. The things that happened, the words that changed their meaning: pivot, pod, bubble. Even the words that were so overused that meaning started to blur: unprecedented, abundance of caution, mute. It's still 2020. We're still living in that year. 

I'm sure there are lots of articles and news stories and tiktoks summing up the year. I'll leave that to the professionals who will likely do a more comprehensive job than I can. Here's the year I'll remember. This was a very difficult year. We shed all the externals of every day life down the bare skeleton of our existence. What's important? What's essential? 

"Extras" like restaurants and concerts and sports and museums get togethers with friends and family were shut down. But are they extras? Or are they the reason that make the daily grind bearable? We got on our screens every day to work, to socialize, to veg out, to shop, to pay bills. We held the people in our household close because they were the only ones we could hold during a time when we needed others the most. We've lost so many people that we've gotten numb to the numbers. But they're not just numbers. 

And it's not over. Just because the calendar year is flipping doesn't mean there's a switch to the virus being turned off. The opposite is true: hospitals are at capacity, health workers are exhausted, the virus mutated and is spreading more rapidly, vaccine rollout is going excruciatingly slow in the US, and another surge is expected post-holidays after millions of Americans traveled against all the experts pleas to stay home. The darkest days of the virus are still ahead.

Beyond that, though, is hopefully a light. A turn. A change. We have to believe there's an end to the darkness. I have to believe there's hope. It's how I'm wired; it's what got me through the miscarriages and RPL and 7 failed IVF cycles. So I'll join the people showing gratitude for some parts of 2020 and what I'm with leaving behind. 

I'm so grateful to have been home with our son. Between maternity leave and the shutdown he was in daycare for all of 11 weeks. I learned something about myself I never would have known without this opportunity: no matter how I envisioned my life I never thought that being a stay at home mom was for me. I didn't know how much I'd enjoy it. I bet I'd enjoy it even more if we could do things like music class and going to the library and the aquarium and the grocery store or playdates with other moms. 

I don't take for granted that our jobs were able to convert to online work. I recognize that so many people didn't have that option and are truly suffering. As bad as my anxiety and financial insecurity felt throughout the year, I know there are people who are struggling to make ends meet and I'm grateful for the programs and organizations that helped when I felt helpless watching the news about people struggling.

There are some things that had accumulated in our pre-pandemic daily lives that we just kept around, similar to that box of stuff you don't feel like sorting and leave packed in storage but bring with you whenever you move to a new house. Here are a few things I'm ok leaving behind.

- office gossip. Gossip in general but I felt like my office was the majority of where I spent time. It felt like the social lubricant that kept people close. That may be true in some ways but when the pandemic hit, we weren't in the office anymore. In the absence of being in close quarters, we naturally limited our interactions to work-related conversations. It felt really freeing. I don't like being part of drama but I like being in the know. I'm rarely in the know now and I'm ok with it. It made me realize what's important to me. It also clarified to me that I'm ready for a new job. Once all the perks were gone I realized that the pieces holding me there were few and not at all worth it. I'm ready for a new challenge and I hope people start hiring in 2021.

- being aloof. I'm cynical and it takes me time to warm up to people. I will continue to work on my trait of making snap judgements about people. While I'm far from becoming the type that offers free hugs to strangers in the park, I think I need to learn to be more open and trusting.

- fomo. I think there will be a lot of opportunities coming up in the months after the pandemic is over. My goal is to say Yes to things I can join and stop feeling left out of life. It's up to me to create my own happiness. Happiness is a choice and takes work but it is within our control.

I'm sure more will come up and I'll add to the list. Regardless of what this year took from us, I want to try to come out of it a better person. 

Best wishes to you and yours for a happy, healthy, and safe 2021.