Birthday firsts

Our little guy turned one earlier this month. Something I heard in the early days after his birth was, "The hours are long but the days are short," which I felt to be very true as we neared his first birthday. In the depth of sleep deprivation it felt like an era that would stretch on forever and I couldn't see past it. Then in the blink of an eye he's a toddler.

The daily tasks of keeping a baby happy are exhausting but I enjoy every minute of it: feeding him, changing him, bathing him, playing with him. Doing all this while working full time from home is its own special ordeal, but absolutely worth it. Fitting meetings around nap times and remembering to keep fresh fruits and vegetables in stock and trying to present balanced meals that he will eat and remembering to stay hydrated myself so he'll have something to nurse. It's a non-stop juggling act, like every motherhood story, made more intense by the lack of any assistance in childcare outside the two of us because of the pandemic. Maybe there have been some outbursts over the past few months, but show me one couple who hasn't had the occasional meltdown during past 8 months. 

When he wants a hug, he just crawls over for a quick cuddle. We get to see him interacting with his toys and be delighted when he sees a squirrel or dog outside. We get to be there to teach him and feed him and enjoy him, instead of sending him to a daycare that would get to do all those things for 8-9 hours a day if things were still how they were pre-pandemic. If there's a silver lining from all the madness and tragedy of the past year I would consider this in the top 3.

We are still strict about social distance. All our groceries are delivered and we don't go anywhere unless necessary - so far that's been limited to doctor's appointments. For his birthday I wanted the opportunity for him to see our family who are all under strict quarantine for various reasons. I advocated to work from home over the Jewish holidays which was a time span of three weeks. That would give me the necessary 14 days of quarantine and then we'd get a week to hang out with family without masks or social distancing. 

On his Hebrew birthday we both took the day off. The morning of his birthday we took a picnic to a local farm with one other family. The weather was beautiful and we kept our distance from the other family and any other people at the farm. After the picnic we got home in time for his afternoon nap. While he was napping I put the finishing touches on his birthday cake. We had a photographer come to our backyard, masked and with a long lens camera so he kept his distance. The plan was to take a few family photos of us and then do a cake smash. Since we were outside the baby kept getting distracted by leaves, which means that he barely touched the cake but we still got some great shots. After the photoshoot we cleaned up and I cut off the part of the cake that was smooshed. There was about 3/4 of the cake left completely untouched and intact so I cut it up into slices and wrapped each one individually. We then invited family members to visit us in the yard to give him a birthday kiss and pick up a slice of cake. 

Even though we did everything right (strict quarantine 2 weeks, etc) and they were now in our pod, we didn't want to have a big gathering for multiple reasons. For starters, it looks bad. I don't care about being judged but I do think there's something to be said about normalizing masks and social distancing. I don't want a neighbor or passerby thinking that it's now ok to have gatherings because "everyone else is doing it." Second, I didn't want it to be too overwhelming for the baby. After seeing just us for months at a time I thought it would be too much to have so many people showering him with attention all at once. The one-at-a-time method worked really well because that meant that the guest visiting had the baby all to themselves and we weren't passing him around and around. Baby got birthday attention, the visitor had our undivided attention, and everyone was happy with a slice of cake to-go. It was a beautiful day and I'm glad we got to spend it together. 

A few days later we had the one year well visit at the doctor's office. He's 55th percentile for height and about half that for weight. Doctor was pleased overall saying he's on his own growth curve. I still try to sneak in avocado and other fats whenever I can to plump him up, but my string bean baby is constantly on the move burning up those calories as they come in. Then came the shots. There were lots of tears. I think what made it worse this time was that they took bloodwork first. For the first time he had to have his arm held down while they looked for a vein and he really did not like that AT ALL. By the time they got to the four (4!!!) sticks in his thighs he was already beside himself. He's generally a very happy, mellow guy but this was not at all to his liking and he made sure to let us know. He was fine by the time we got to the car. I'm sorry baby... I don't like seeing you sad but I prefer slight temporary discomfort over preventable childhood diseases. 

Some cousins dropped off birthday presents. It was very sweet and kind of surprised me - I honestly wasn't expecting presents. I had actually gotten several new toys for him during prime day so he had a bunch of new and exciting things to play with. One cousin drew a birthday card which now lives on our fridge. When his legal birthday came up it was a more mellow celebration with just the three of us, since by then we were out of the pod again, but special just the same. We reminisced about where we were this time last year and I sent a text to my doula thanking her and sharing a picture of the baby. Thinking about it now, I probably should also send a picture to our RE. We will eventually be revisiting that conversation but we both agreed we're not there yet. Among other things, I want to see what's the deal with this pandemic and whether putting myself in a situation that requires multiple doctor's appointments and juggling all that without childcare is even possible. 

So for now, we're just enjoying our toddler. Happy birthday, baby boy!

Drained

I'm finding it hard to carve out time for "extras" like writing here or responding to texts within a reasonable time frame. Showering for 10 minutes feels luxurious. Our ray of sunshine, the love of our lives and the light of our world with zero survival skills and extremely speedy movement, is officially a toddler. This post got a little wordy so more on his birthday and one year well visit will have to wait for another post. 

While I no longer feel physically drained like I did in the past few months (because sleep is magical), I definitely feel mentally and emotionally drained. Feeling like fewer people are taking the pandemic seriously, even while numbers continue to rise, is draining. The political climate is draining. The state of the world -- nay, the UNIVERSE (hello asteroid) -- is draining. Will it ever feel like the sky isn't falling? 

I advocated to work from home for the duration of the holidays so that we could spend our boy's birthday with the family who is all in one quarantined pod. Each segment is high risk for a different reason so they are all extremely strict with the quarantine and have each other for socialization. Because I'm obligated to be in the office, we were excluded from the pod and had to social distance and mask up whenever we visited. It's a busy time at work but I said if they didn't let me wfh I would take 3 weeks vacation. They begrudgingly allowed it temporarily for during the holidays.

My employer insists on "showing strength" and "being present" by telling us that we have to be in the office. I strongly disagree with this and believe it puts us at unnecessary risk during a still very much active pandemic. I feel like if I can do my job from home, since it's all online anyway, then I should have the option to stay home. It makes absolutely no sense to me to force people to come in if they don't have to. Worse, I'm sitting in the office wearing an envo mask under my surgical mask... on zoom meetings. To help with social distancing, the office has to be at 50% capacity at any given time so we're each supposed to be in the office 2-3 days a week. To them that's the compromise. They don't get (care?) that any breaking of the quarantine means we're excluded from the family pod. That means no help with childcare, no playdates with cousins, no social interaction at all. There are also people who prefer to come in to the office to get away from their spouse or kids, so it's not like the office would be empty if we didn't come in. 

I usually sit in an open, high-traffic area. I asked for an office with a door for the time I'm in the building. They couldn't accommodate that so they put movable mechitza walls around my desk. They're covered in black felt and meant to absorb sound. So not only is it hard to hear me through my mask but I basically have to shout to be heard from someone standing outside my enclosure. It's easier to email.... it would be hilarious if it wasn't so ironically frustrating. 

Under normal circumstances there are many pros to my job, but I've toyed with the idea of finding a new one for years. The current situation has stripped away all those pros and what filtered out is a concentrated dose of the cons. I'm becoming more miserable by the day and feel like a wilting flower. It feels like no matter how hard I work -- and trying to work full time while taking care of an active toddler is extra draining -- it's still not enough. There is no way to get work done while he's trying to steal my phone or help me type on the laptop. Naps are dedicated to getting work done and quickly answering emails while people are responsive. After bedtime I spend at least another 2-4 hours nightly getting work done. Evenings, weekends, Sundays... there's no down time. There's no separation between work and life anymore. The expectations are sky high and there doesn't seem to be any appreciation for how thinly my sanity is being stretched to get things done in such an unusual environment. 

I had my resume reviewed by a professional HR manager. My LinkedIn profile is updated and I'm looking for connections and any jobs that may be a good fit. I don't have a niche where I fit in, which is good in normal-job hunting because it means I can fit anywhere, but it also means I don't have a specific job title to search for. I started by looking for only remote jobs but have since expanded to to include those that aren't. I can't afford to not work but I'm willing to take a pay cut and start at a lower level to get my foot in the door to a good place. 

This past Sunday it felt so good to get things done after a month of having Yom Tov on Sundays. We took down the sukkah, installed a baby gate, got some decluttering taken care of. You know how sometimes things just pile up and you start feeling like the walls are hugging you? Getting rid of things you no longer use feels so freeing. Good weather always helps too. 

I'm having a hard time keeping up with the grocery orders. Keeping fruits and vegetables in stock and using them before they go bad is a losing battle. Last night I cooked dinner for the first time since I-can't-remember-when and it was a nice change from cereal. 

So that's where I'm at. A friend went through surgery earlier this week and I heard about it second hand because I'm so out of touch. I feel guilty, and conflicted for not feeling more guilty.  Please forgive me if it takes longer to respond to your text. Please don't be mad if I haven't called in a while. Please feel free to send me job prospects.