Bananas

The past few weeks have been rough. I found myself really struggling mentally and emotionally. With the seasons changing, summer turning to fall and leaves starting to hit the ground, vacation turning to school mode, there are a lot of changes. One thing that has not changed is that there is still a global pandemic with an infectious virus still very much a threat. I feel stuck in a rut and no matter how much I want to "go back to normal" or move forward we just can't. It feels like we're being asked to swim with both hands and feet tied to an anchor. 

It's gotten to a point where I feel mentally drained. The task of keeping my house somewhat organized and clean has gotten overwhelming. I never had regular cleaning help but I used to have a crew coming every few months to do a scrub and reset everything. They haven't been here since winter. The task of keeping the fridge and pantry stocked even while not going to stores is a constant. Trying to keep track of what we have and what we need to use before it goes bad. I've made more muffins this summer than ever before, in all flavors and varieties, in attempts to use up fruit before it turns. The other day there were bananas on the counter right in my line of sight every time I entered the kitchen. They looked more sad and mushy every time I passed by but I just couldn't muster up the energy to do something - anything - with them. I couldn't even deal with peeling/chopping/bagging for the freezer to join their friends from previous months. I just wanted to give myself permission to ignore one thing without feeling guilt. I couldn't do it - they ended up in some baby mash over the next few days. 

This week is the first week of daycare. We told the director we're not sending right now and they're being lovely about it, probably since we didn't request our deposit back. I'm really hoping to send him once it feels safe. In the meantime since we're technically enrolled we're included in all the communications and it's frustrating to see what could be if we had a few hours of childcare per day. I don't even need full time, just a few hours. I think he would really enjoy it too. 

My friend lost her father in April. Her neighbors held a memorial dinner last week. She told me about it but said she understood if I don't come because of my discomfort around people these days. I suggested a zoom link so I could be included which she loved because that way family members out of town were able to join as well. I could see the dinner guests sitting about 4 feet apart on a deck (connected to someone's home, so you couldn't avoid going into the house) without masks. I considered going but I know I would have been the weirdo in a hazmat suit sitting 15 feet away, changing the vibe of the evening. I wanted to be there to support my friend but it wasn't about me. It was still frustrating to feel like this is one more thing the pandemic took control over. 

Several family members have formed a pod. They basically don't see anyone or go anywhere other than each other. Since I need to show up at the office once a week, we're excluded from the pod. We were trying to figure out a way to celebrate a family member's upcoming birthday in a socially distant way where everyone could be included. The idea was to have an outdoor movie projecting on a wall and everyone bring their own snacks. It was a good idea in theory, but besides for the bugs and humidity, it doesn't get dark until 8:30 which was too late for a lot of people. The idea was put on a back burner and I was told the party would be postponed. The next morning I see pictures of a get-together on our family whatsapp group. Turned out that the birthday celebrant was invited over for cake. Other members of the pod dropped in. A present materialized out of nowhere. Music started up and it was suddenly a party. It happened organically, which is fine, I don't fault them for getting together. But no one thought to open up a zoom room for us. It's gotten to the point that not only are they physically distant but we're starting to get completely forgotten. I wasn't angry, just sad about one more thing to miss out on. I asked for an explanation and got sincere apologies from everyone involved. I could make it into a federal case but that's not what I want. I let it go and moved on for the sake of peace. 

I had an interview last week. It was more of a screening. A friend recommended me to a company who has remote openings but the budget isn't approved yet so they're not actively offering anything. I'm very eager to get a new job. Not only was my salary reduced but hours have increased. At all hours of the day and evening we can be on -call. Sometimes we have meetings at 8:30 pm because that when everyone is available. There's no separation from work and home life. I know that finding a remote job during a pandemic is like looking for a unicorn but I can't let that stop me from trying. Things can get slightly better if I work remotely but my employer wants to hear none of it. I can get some help with childcare and stop the madness of trying to work full time while simultaneously entertaining a near-toddler whose current life mission is to discover gravity by experimenting with his head. When he's up he needs careful supervision, and when he naps or after bedtime is when I cram in work, try to throw in a load of laundry, prep food, respond to texts. We tag team as much as we can but it's still just the two of us each with our own full time job. 

I don't regret our decision to keep him home for the time being. It's the only way I feel I can protect him. But I'm feeling the weight of this challenge. This pandemic. The politics. The insecurity over what's to come. Part of me wants to believe that if we just hold on a little longer things may take a turn. What am I hoping will change? I don't know specifically. I just have to believe that there is hope and that this won't last forever. 

Best Interest

At the start of the pandemic shutdown it felt like time was standing still while we held our collective breath to see what happens. For a while I had trouble keeping track of the days and weeks - if it weren't for Shabbat to ground me then every day would have been the same. Every day was similar: going nowhere, doing nothing, and glued to the news to figure out what in the world is happening. The days passed and eventually we got used to the new schedule. Days turned to weeks which turned to months and suddenly we're in August with a fast approaching deadline about what to do with the fall. 

There are people who have gotten used to the new world. They're out and about in a way that works for their family. Then there are those of us who are still as worried today as we were in the tail-end of March. I'm not sure if it's PPD rearing it's head again, or it's the result of being home too much, or maybe a combo with a bit of both, but I've noticed my heightened anxiety about other things too.  A few weeks ago we decided to drive to a lake to have a picnic. The drive was about 25 min to get there. When we had gone about a mile away from home I started to feel uneasy. The what-ifs started rolling: what if we get a flat tire? What if someone rear-ends us? What if the car suddenly overheats? These were both rational and irrational fears. In regular times, if any of those things happen, you just call for help. AAA does their thing and you get a ruined afternoon and a story out of it. But these aren't regular times. The simple inconvenience of a misbehaving car could turn deadly if the AAA tech is a positive case exposing us to the virus we've been hiding from until now.

As it turned out, we ended up getting to the lake and seeing that it was crowded, with few people wearing masks. So we drove around a bit to see the lake and then turned around and headed home. No incidents in the hour round trip, thankfully. I wasn't so anxious that I couldn't function. I was driving while my husband kept the baby entertained in the back. We were listening to music and chatting. Overall it was a pleasant outing, minus the last ten minutes when the baby had had enough. He's not used to being strapped in that long considering how infrequently we venture out with the car these days. But the background anxiety was there, lurking just below the surface. 

Everything feels like impending disaster. It's obviously not healthy to think this way but not unusual for what's going on in the world. It's justified and concerning at the same time. As long as I'm self-aware enough to recognize it I feel like I have it under control. But the simmering anxiety makes me question my gut which is something I've always felt I could rely on without question. 

There are some things that are just facts and don't require much overthinking. The pandemic is not yet under control. There is a risk of getting the virus when people are within close proximity, especially when they're not wearing a mask. It is unknown who will have complications or just be asymptomatic if infected. It is not known if a vaccine will fix this issue. Those are just black and white facts. 

Then there are the gray areas which are what's keeping me up at night. With all the precautions being taken by schools, will they be able to prevent the spread of the virus? Even with all the precautions, will there still be an outbreak and any school that opens eventually get closed again? Will going to get my own groceries instead of getting delivery put my family at risk? Will being fully quarantined for two weeks prevent us from spreading the virus to our extended family if we want to see them and hug them?  If they do open schools and there is a huge increase in cases will we go back to square one and shut everything down? There are so many unknowns. 

My job is no longer allowing us to fully work from home starting in a few weeks. I don't know the exact plan for what they expect from us (especially since offices need to be staffed at max 60% to encourage social distancing). I know working from home while doing full time childcare is not ideal, from both the employee and employers standpoint. In fact, it's really difficult to juggle and quite exhausting. But the alternative is sending him to daycare which I'm convinced will put him at an incredible risk. 

If we could afford to live off of one salary that would be my first choice and I would care for the baby while my husband worked. My second choice would be to to continue working from home during naps and walks and after bedtime. I do not want to be forced to send him to daycare so that I can keep my job. I can't imagine feeling good about that. Anticipating this I started sending out my resume several months ago. While I'm sure they're out there, I'm having a hard time finding companies that aren't on a hiring freeze and have jobs available that are fully remote. 

After thinking about it for a while - since this is what keeps me up at night - I realized what bothers me the most about the reopening plan. The problem is that on a leadership level, starting from the White House and seemingly from my employer, we are being told to trust blindly that they have things under control when it clearly isn't. It gives me no comfort to hear the president say that if we stop testing we'll stop having cases. Since leadership inspires no confidence, I feel like I need to rely on my gut. 

Is my gut broken because of overuse and decision fatigue from the last few months? I'm reluctant to ignore it now when it seems like it could literally be a life and death situation. If it comes down to it, do I quit my job so that I don't have to send him to daycare? I don't know what to do and I don't see a path how to fix this. I know I'm not alone in this - there are millions of other people worrying about health vs income. 

I'm mentally exhausted and don't know how to recharge to be able to think things through more clearly. I don't want to make a rash decision or feel backed into a corner.