Feb 29

Not only is it a special calendar date but it also happens to be my Hebrew birthday. How fun!

Rolling

At just over 4 months old, we have our first roll from tummy to back. We've also hit the 4-month sleep regression. Where we once got 4 hour chunks of sleep, we're now back to waking every 2 to 2.5 hours. It's challenging to be a full time working, full time nursing mom, but we're making it work. My husband and I tag-team whenever possible and take shortcuts, like takeout or cereal. It's not ideal but I'd rather do that than worry about grocery shopping and cooking and dishes when I could be spending family time together.

It's still hard to leave him every day. I really enjoy the time we spend together. There's a balance I'm trying to find between wanting to capture every minute with videos and photos vs being fully present to play with and take care of him away from the phone.

When he falls asleep in the evenings at 645 or 7, that's when I go to sleep. It's just necessary for me to function. He gets his longest chunk of sleep (or used to before the aforementioned regression started) in the start of the night, so if I want any kind of chunk of sleep that's when I can get it. That usually means that I do my evening stuff, like preparing our bags for the next day, catching up on email, or laundry at like 2 in the morning. Usually I get my last sleep around the 4 am hour so by 7 pm I'm ready for sleep.

We had his 4 month checkup and shots last week. He was such a trooper. It hurts my heart to see him cry but I obviously know this is the best for him. He barely cried but was fussy for the next two days, just like with the 2-month shots. The ped mentioned starting solids. Optional for now and just a for-fun activity to get him used to a spoon and different flavors. I've read different thoughts about whether to start at 4-6m vs 6m and I don't get the controversy around the difference, especially if the doc green lighted it to start. I'm less confident about this than something like shots, which to me are absolutely clear, and so I rely on common sense coupled with medical advice. At this point we're sold on the idea, just waiting for the high chair to be ordered. There are so many choices that it kind of got put on the back burner until I have time to figure out the best option for us.

The other part of starting solids is the potential return of my period. I had my annual gyn appointment and of course the possibility of the next baby came up. My answer was that for now I just want to enjoy our baby. We waited so long for this that I don't want to jump right back into the roller coaster of ttc right away. Even given my age, turning 36 in March, I feel like it's not asking too much to give ourselves a year to purely just enjoy our miracle. We know all too well that it's not guaranteed to work, and we know that there are low lows that come with the high highs. I'm just not mentally ready for that. I also don't want him to ever have the feeling like he's not enough. It's almost as though starting to try for a second one seems greedy and selfish.

That's not to say we haven't thought about it. Do I have an ideal calendar planned out in my mind? Sure. Do I know that it's possible that it may not work out that way or at all? Of course. At the end of the day it all boils down to when my period returns. Not having it is almost like permission to not think about next steps, and possibly why I held on to breastfeeding when it got challenging in the beginning, since there's a definitely correlation for many women.

Overall, we're riding the wave and enjoying every minute.

Transfer Anniversary

One year ago we transferred our 8th embryo in our seventh transfer. It was the same day of the superbowl but not being sports fans I didn't know who was playing or who won.

A year ago we were that IVF couple with yet another transfer scheduled. Part of switching clinics helped restore some hope but I don't know how we kept at it. I know that quitting didn't feel like an option so we kept going. I'm so glad we did.

This time last year I was up at night because I was sad and anxious about the what ifs of this never happening for us. These days I'm up at night because of dirty diapers and chapped nipples and I couldn't be more grateful.

There are still tears. These days they are tears of gratitude and disbelief at how blessed we are. Sometimes it's tears of anxiety about what if God forbid something happens to him. Or us. Or someone takes him like we see on the news. Some say it's the "smidge of PPD" talking, but anyone who went through fertility treatment knows. This child was so very much wanted before he even existed. He is just the most delicious little guy. I'm not bias - it's just fact! :)

As hectic as life is trying to balance working full time and with an infant, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Picking him up at daycare every day is my favorite part of the day. My favorite is Fridays when we have the whole weekend coming up to spend together as a family.