Mental break

I'm comfortable enough with tech and I try new things when they make sense to me. What doesn't make sense to me is putting everything in my life on the internet, especially when a lot of us barely have a rudimentary grasp of cyber security.

Just now I was browsing Amazon and saw a Smart Wifi Instant Pot. Are you serious? It's not enough that your alarm system, your doorbell, and your lightbulbs are all connected to the internet and therefore hackable; you need to share your dinner with the hackers as well? What has this world come to??

Last weekend I finished the book The President is Missing where they paint a picture of what the US would look like if the internet was hacked and deleted. Your money would be unavailable because all records of your accounts would be wiped clear; the hospitals wouldn't have electricity because everything is on the grid so not only could they not perform procedures, they wouldn't even be able to verify your insurance; water filtration systems would go down; grocery stores wouldn't function. Chaos. Mayhem. Third world country conditions.

Why did we get here? I understand connecting everything is more efficient. But it's more efficient until it's not. At this point we don't even have the non-internet processes in place as backup.

I'm guilty of it: I'll hop in the car, plug in an address on Waze and let it lead me to where I need to go without any prior preparation. When I first started driving 18 years ago, I remember having to plug in the address on mapquest and printing out directions. Printing them out but still from the internet! I don't know a world where I had to rely on an atlas (or something else???) to get from point A to point B.

Every week we unplug entirely for Shabbat and it's just become so routine and habitual that we don't even notice it. Religion aside, if anyone feels like trying it I highly recommend it. Even if it's just for family dinner time, or an evening -- it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Not only does it help me be present where I am, but it's also a mental break from juggling multiple things.

That's not to say that I don't jump right back on my phone as soon as it's over - I certainly do. There are times it can feel disconnecting. What happened in the news? Is everyone I know still ok? Did my favorite instagrammer post new stories?? You know... the important things. But I recognize that when I'm distracted on my phone and someone (read: husband) tries to talk to me or ask me questions, it can get annoying and I snap at him because I want to finish what I'm doing on the phone. That's not ok. Barring an actual emergency, there's no reason to prioritize anything on the phone over people who are in the same room as me. The weekly break is another added reminder of that. It's what I need to help unpack the past week and prepare for the week ahead and I really appreciate the mandatory mental vacation.

Shavua tov! (Have a great week!)

Tu B'shvat

In addition to being MLK Jr, day, today is the Jewish holiday of Tu B'shvat (literally translated as 15th of the Hebrew month of Shevat) and known as the birthday of the trees. It's a fun, no pressure, no obligation holiday where we acknowledge the beautiful world we get to live in.  Many of MLK's historic quotes are about faith and courage so it seems appropriate that when I needed a little extra support, they happen to fall out on the same day.

You can learn more or find some great themed recipes and even a whole themed menu of Tu B'shvat online. I love it because of a few reasons. You can celebrate it simply by snacking on some dried fruit or going all out with platters and blessings and projects if that's your thing. I also like that it's a time to pause and appreciate the beauty of the world. There is so much beauty but sometimes we literally lose the forest for the trees when we're bogged down by the daily minutia.

Happy birthday, trees!

You can plant a seed in the ground, water it appropriately, leave it in the sunlight for the correct amount of time, and do everything right but ultimately a tree grows because of Hashem. At some point He needs to take over and make the magic that enables nature to follow through. 

As very personal symbolism, I can't help but think of the similarities to frozen embryo transfers. Everything is set specifically: lining is measured carefully, medication and hormones are all regulated, precise timing is scheduled. Ultimately, though, it will only work if He deems it fit to continue on and become an actual human.

As we get ready for our seventh FET, I can't help but reflect back on the first six that failed, four in miscarriages. I'm terrified and I'm excited and I'm worried and nervous and hopeful. We've done so much in the past year just to get to this point and now that it's almost here I feel like it's a speeding train heading my way. Either it will take us aboard a wonderful adventure or will hit and crush us once again. But even under all the anxiety and worry and feelings of lack of control, there is an underlying hope and wanting to believe that we may have a chance. Every tree starts out as a sprout and that spark of hope feels like the first step we need to get started in being mentally prepared for the next try.

Colonoscopy

There are a few things I learned on this adventure. Here is a list of them:

• As everyone says, the prep is the worst part. This is true. Not that the prep was so bad, but it was unpleasant and the procedure itself was nearly nothing, especially after having been through fertility treatment. 
• Spring for the good toilet paper. Or even wet wipes. 
• They say to eat a light breakfast the day before. Take that advice and don't pig out. It's ok to be hungry for a day, and the less you have going into your system, the less needs to come out. No matter how much you stuff in your face you'll be hungry anyway so take the temporary discomfort in exchange for less discomfort later.
• You'll be passing a lot of air after the procedure. Make sure you're ok with the person giving you a ride home hearing that because holding it in is painful and uncomfortable. 

From start to finish this whole thing was really no big deal. The doctor was great and I'm grateful he got me on his schedule right away. Today's staff was professional and efficient. The procedure itself was barely 20 min long and I was on my way home forty five minutes after checking in. Hopefully recovery will be smooth sailing as well.

In unrelated news, my RE is officially out on maternity leave. Not sure what next steps are but will call the office tomorrow and chat with the nurses.

Plot twist

I contacted my pcp with what I thought was a minor issue who recommended I see a GI doctor. Long story short I'm having a colonoscopy next week. Potential FET on hold until all results are in.

That's not even what's gotten my stomach in knots, figuratively speaking. My husband was having eye pain and headaches so went to the eye doctor. They couldn't pinpoint a cause and referred him to a neruo-ophthalmology specialist.

I'm a worrier by nature. My worrying usually starts at worst case scenario and gets more awful from there. I'm not even worried for me. I was a complete basket case when he had the varicocele repair surgery, even knowing at the time that it's fairly minor and routine. This is unknown and scary. And could be nothing. But could be something. Waiting for scheduling now.

Antsy

It's day 5 of my strict diet and the scale seemed to approve. I know most of it is water weight and I'm ok with that. It was more difficult to maintain over the weekend because of multiple parties but I'm proud to have held strong. While I'm annoyed to be back to the daily grind, I appreciate the routine of weekdays. I know that I need to keep checking my willpower though because it can get fatigued toward the end of the day. I'm drinking a lot of water and sleeping well and I think that's helping also.

I'm feeling really antsy. I don't know if I'm delirious from the withdrawal of sugar and carbs or bored with getting back to the mundane of daily life. I'm thinking of moving houses. I'm thinking of applying to new jobs. I even considered starting a new blog. Each one has pros and cons. A new house wouldn't need as much renovations but will we still like our neighborhood? A new job might have exciting new challenges but would it have the same perks? A new blog would bring with it a fresh start but how am I supposed to turn the page while we're still in the thick of fertility treatments?

I'm feeling stuck; physically and mentally. Nothing interests me and I'm easily irritated. Last night I went on a binge of searching beautiful hotels in the virgin islands. Private pools. Stunning views. Delicious kosher food available for delivery. All of it available if you have the money. Some of these resorts start at $500 per night but that's not even the biggest kicker. Zika is still an issue in all these beautiful locations. Even if I won the lottery and could afford these tropical destinations it wouldn't make a difference.

The path of least resistance is to do nothing and wait until the antsy feeling fizzles away. But maybe I don't want to let it fizzle without a change. Last time I felt this way I signed up for a pottery class and cut off my ponytail. Maybe this time I'll actually go through with looking for a new job?  Other ideas welcome.

Reconsidering #firstworldproblems

I woke up yesterday feeling emotionally blah. I got on the scale and felt heavy. I had to go back to work after being on break for a long stretch and really didn't feel like it. As I savored the last hours of vacation I let dishes and laundry accumulate so the house had a cluttered feel. I was annoyed about the probiotic suppositories that weren't fully dissolving. I was feeling sorry for myself as petty and annoying as my complaints were. After work I was mentally exhausted from being around people all day and just got in bed where I stayed the whole evening.

This morning I woke up assuming it was going to be the same kind of blah day as yesterday, at least until I get back to routine. As I do every morning, I did a cursory check around my social media feeds and saw that one of the people I follow broke up her engagement. I remember gasping because of how shocking and devastating that news is; just hours earlier she was talking about flower girl dresses and sharing sheva brachot outfits. For months she talked about how it took her a while to find someone but this guy was worth the wait. I'm so sad for her.

When I got to work I saw a post on fb that linked to an article of a rabbi suffering from ALS. As I read more and more I found his blog posts and his wife's blog posts about being the main caretaker to him and their children. The story is so incredibly heartbreaking: in 2013 he was diagnosed and over the next 18 months his mobility disintegrated so much that he is now confined to a bed on a ventilator using only his eyes to communicate. His beautiful warrior of a wife posts about the difficulties of surviving each day.

Just now I checked Instagram and saw a different food instagrammer I follow talk about today being the first birthday of the baby she lost in April. It's unclear what the cause was, but since he was barely twelve weeks old I assume it was SIDS. Heartbreaking.

Some people don't understand the connections made via blogs, social media, or other online venues. I've made some best friends, husband included, through the internet so it's not hard for me to sympathize when a blogger gets devastating news or an instagrammer shares a personal tragedy. Our strength as humans is the ability to empathize and strengthen each other as we each navigate our own journey.

I recognize that my #firstworldproblems of having to go back to work after a long break is spoiled and entitled; I know I'm incredibly lucky to not only have a job but also the opportunity to have the occasional break from said employment. It's not that I'm comparing my challenge to anyone else's but learning about others' struggle helps give perspective. I have each of these people in mind today, praying that whatever challenge they are facing is a slightly less heavy burden because they chose to reach out to the world and share it with those who care.

So instead of continuing to feel sorry for myself I decided it's up to me to take action on the things I can control. I did the dishes and a load of laundry. I started a new eating plan with a renewed effort at actual weight loss. I emailed my doctor for reassurance about the suppositories. There is so much beyond my control, but there are also things I can control and those are what I can focus my efforts on in the coming year.