Maternity leave

It's hard to believe that this is the last week of my maternity leave. I have mixed emotions about sending my baby to school. I know that he'll be well taken care of and that he'll learn things and make friends and come home exhausted because he'll be stimulated and educated all day. On the other hand I'm so sad that someone else will get to hold and kiss him and take care of him. We've kept him in a figurative bubble the past few months and there's no getting around the fact that daycare = stuffy noses, fever, and stomach bugs :(

Not only is it full time and I'll miss him during the hours we're apart, but it's also so expensive. I had to choose an option that was licensed and reliable. There are very few options like that and none of them are affordable. We'll stretch to make it work but among the other adventures we've hit, it's going to be tough.

Even though I haven't had time to write regularly, I wanted to jot down a few highlights from the last few months. It seems like each stage is flying by and I want to try to retain as much as I can.

During the first few weeks he slept so much. Four hour stretches were the norm to the point that I called the pediatrician asking if it was ok. Because he was jaundice and a tiny newborn, I was told that it was. I had to wake up him every 3 hours to eat until he got to his birth weight but once he got there, he was allowed to sleep as long as he wanted. By four weeks he developed some reflux and stopped sleeping all together. We were advised to keep him in the upright position for 30 min after every feeding, and since he was eating every 90 min or so, it made sleeping for us nearly impossible. At that time he was sleeping in the napper piece of the Graco Pack n' Play in the living room, snuggled up with muslin swaddles and blankets. He loved it and we took turns keeping him company on the couch. It wasn't until a few weeks in that I learned how unsafe that was. We then had to transition him to a flat surface without blankets and the little sleep he (/we) got was gone. Adding to the issues was that he hates being swaddled. He needs his hands out and breaks out of everything we put him in, so we had to give in and transition to sleep sacks sooner than we'd like. That meant he kept waking himself up from the startle reflex.

During the first few weeks I had a lot of guests while I was home. People came over to visit, brought meals, brought gifts. For some reason I didn't want to say no when someone asked to come by. He was sleeping in chunks so I felt like I was getting enough sleep to get by, but at the same time there would be times that someone would be talking and I felt like I was very far away, almost sleeping with my eyes open. Maybe I was worried that if I said it's not a good time the visits would stop all together and I would feel isolated? Not sure. I know that at no point did I feel isolated, even when we went days at a time without leaving the house or seeing other people. I loved being home and the added bonus of not having to shower or get dressed for anyone seemed like a perk.

At the same time during this period I was very weepy. Mainly justified, or so I thought. Around week 5 I was fixated on the fact that we gave him the wrong legal name. At his brit we named him a beautiful Hebrew name that we love but since we were pressured to give him a legal name before leaving the hospital for his birth certificate and social security purposes that we ended up choosing something on a whim. It was keeping me up at night and I was so upset about the wrong name. We discussed it and agreed to change his legal name to his Hebrew name. Apparently this is so common in our state that we didn't even need a court order to do it. We hadn't even received the birth certificate yet so it wasn't like there was something to replace. It was actually a very easy process, assuming you're ok with waiting at government offices for a few hours. The first step was going to the Division of Vital Records with a notarized form for the name change. An hour and $10 later I had the birth certificate with his new name. With that we were able to get his name changed at the doctor's office and that was the extent of his footprint. The only other step was to change his name on the social security card and that was more of an issue because I had to come back twice after finding out I was missing a document. After all is said and done it was totally worth it and I was so much happier and still am with this change.

Around the same time, week 5, I was also feeling a lot of cramping. I figured it was too soon for my period. When I had (TMI upcoming) a bowel movement coming I was basically doubled over in pain and decided to call my doctor's office. I had an appointment for my six week checkup the following week so I debated about calling but once I was in that much pain I figured I should call. I was told to come in and went in for a checkup. Long story short, turned out I had a major uterine infection. They took a swab, blood, and urine. I was told that they need to check my temp and if I have a fever I need to go straight to the hospital because it was life threatening. If I was weepy before, this put me over the edge - I was sobbing at the thought of being away from my tiny infant. I wasn't even scared for myself yet, but I was worried about how my husband would fare with the baby on his own. At the same time I was told that I have a smidge of PPD. My being weepy was basically the anxiety and if your body is in the anxiety-mode too long then it becomes a major issue. Luckily, the infection was caught early enough and my fever was only low-grade that they sent me home with a pile of strong antibiotics. I had to take a few different kinds, at different times, some as often as every four hours, for ten days. I was told to drink plenty of fluids and get lots of sleep. Seriously. It was then that we felt the need to spring for a night nurse for a night to help me recuperate. Thankfully it healed without hospitalization and by my 6 week appointment I was cleared. I was also more aware of my anxiety and for me it felt like just being aware was enough to manage it to the point that the crying subsided by nearly 90%.

At week 7 I made a trip to my office with the baby. It was like being welcomed home. Lots of hugs and compliments. It was the height of no sleep for us so I was basically running on fumes and it was nice to get out and interact with adults. A few weeks later I saw everyone again at a coworker's wedding. At that point talks started about me coming back, my new hours to fit the daycare schedule, and finding a place to pump. I knew that maternity leave would fly by but it was surreal to be discussing all this already.

The baby gets more adorable every day. He was born at, what I thought, was maximum cuteness. Then something happens or changes and the cuteness suddenly increases. When he started opening his eyes more, I thought that was the cutest thing ever. When he sneezed and sighed, that was insanely cute. When he started to smile, we thought it couldn't be topped... until the giggles and cooing started. It's so incredible to watch him change and grow right before our eyes. There were some tears when he outgrew his newborn clothing at four weeks and we went up a diaper size. At around 8 weeks he went up another diaper size and got his first shots. He was fussy and clingy for two whole days but no fever. I love everything about him and taking care of him, and every time I think about sending him to daycare for someone else to do it for 8 hours every day I get sad and cry all over again. I'm not sure I would want to be a stay-at-home-mom even if I could afford it, so the feelings are very complicated.

I feel like I was mostly prepared for motherhood from my years of knowing I want a baby. There was very little that surprised me, though there was nothing that can really prepare us for just how hard sleep deprivation is. You know about it in theory but the reality is really challenging and there's no way to prepare other than just get through it.

The only thing I didn't realize would be as hard as it's been is breastfeeding. From my friends and family members who breastfed, I knew it "was challenging" in theory but had no idea just how difficult it would be. I feel like it was made more difficult for me because formula was introduced immediately after birth at the NICU, and I kind of got into a routine of pumping and bottle feeding. Even once my milk came in, I was pumping every three hours and still I didn't have enough milk to support what he was eating. For the first few weeks I mainly pumped and formula fed. He was getting any milk I could squeeze out, plus supplementing with formula at a 2:1 ratio. As the weeks went by I continued pumping but also started trying to get him to latch and breastfeed. This was difficult because I was trying to pump/empty the breast every three hours and that didn't necessarily coincide with whether or not he was hungry. No matter how much I would have loved to get him on a schedule, it just wasn't happening and I felt that it was more important to go with the flow rather than try to force something that isn't going to happen. Besides that, in addition to the sleeping issues and reflux, anything that worked one week would stop working the next week because he changed and grew. There was also the issue of the painful nipples as he and I were learning how to get him to latch correctly. As the weeks went by I got him on the breast more often. I also found that I wasn't drinking nearly enough water in the beginning. I called the lactation help line at my hospital and they recommended eating oatmeal. I don't know what specifically helped, but it did get better. He's been on the breast more often. I still pump regularly. He gets maybe one or two feedings of formula per week, but he's gotten used to breastmilk and will refuse the formula if he's not hungry enough. I've gotten to the point where I really enjoy the breastfeeding relationship and I'm glad I stuck it out and gave it more of a chance instead of just resigning to exclusively pumping. I hope I can continue even after going back to work. My supply is just enough to satisfy him now so I'm worried about keeping it up when he goes to daycare. I don't have enough to freeze (yet?) so I'm not sure how to juggle that. Among his supplies for school I included a tub of formula so he won't go hungry unless he gives them problems about taking it.

At week 9 we decided it was time to move the baby out of the living room and get him used to his crib in his room. As soon as I realized he was unsafe in the napper, we took it away and put him in the flat bassinet part of the PNP with a sleep sack instead of a blanket, but sleeping in the living room was getting old and we needed to all sleep more and better. Since his room was a little chilly I sealed the windows with garbage bags (doubled as blackout curtains!) but it was still cold so I called an HVAC repair company who said they could come at the end of the week. When they came to look a the problem it wasn't just an issue with the baby's room, there was a problem with the whole filter system. More than that, the system was cracked and deemed unsafe for usage. Apparently it was a combustion risk and carbon monoxide risk. They said they legally have to shut it off and recommended replacing the furnace. This was right before the weekend, right before a holiday week. The weather was supposed to be in the freezing temps for the upcoming week and even if we thought space heaters were safe they weren't going to keep the baby warm enough, so we packed up our stuff and went to stay with family. This started a week-long saga of trying to get our home warranty, our insurance, and contractors coordinated during the one week a year where there's no one to talk to because everyone is off. Our insurance didn't cover anything because they said wear and tear isn't covered in our policy. The home warranty gave us so little that I'm considering cancelling them all together. We got a few different contractors to come give us estimates and some were telling us that they're scheduling 8 business days out. In the end we went with the company that we trusted and could do it soonest, not necessarily the one that was most affordable. We were also desperate to get back home but it's a huge expense with long term ramifications and we were worried about making the wrong decision based on scheduling . It was really stressful and the lack of sleep, since the baby was barely sleeping in the new environment, was making everything worse. Even if I had unlimited money it was so hard to get contractors to schedule the repair before the New Year holiday. Since I don't have unlimited money, I felt I had to at least try to get something covered even knowing that there was a good chance it wouldn't be. This added an extra layer of stress because no matter how much I insisted on people coming out asap, it took at least one to two business days before they came out to look and we were stuck around Christmas before being able to schedule the replacement.

Thankfully, we're now back home. We'll light the last night of Chanukah in our own house, with our new furnace thanks to the added pile of debt on our cc. I will try to enjoy the last week of my maternity leave without constantly thinking about having to go to work next Monday. I make myself feel better by looking at the calendar for the days school is out and I get to take a day off to stay home with him. I remember coworkers complaining about those days and how annoyed they are to have to stay home with their kids but I'm really looking forward to it.

I feel so lucky and grateful I had the opportunity to be home with him as long as I did. My HR office messed up my leave so instead of missing one paycheck I missed three in a row and it's too late to reverse it because the short term disability kicked in. It's been challenging to have all these extra expenses and not get paid at the same time. It's ridiculous that America still hasn't figured this out yet, but that's for another post. I'm so glad I had this time to bond with our baby and give him my undivided attention for the first few months of his life. There was no way I was ready to leave him sooner; I'm barely holding it together as it is about leaving him now even though I know it's the right thing for both of us. Maybe if we're lucky enough to do this again we'll be in a different financial position to take off more time, or even for one of us to stay home for an extended amount of time before needing to resort to daycare.

For us 2019 will go down in the books as the year that we were at maximum anxiety and maximum joy to date. Looking forward to a new year with all its adventures.

FET 7: The Story

This lengthy post chronicles the latest of our adventures in fertility treatment. There was limited diting and nearly no filter. What started out in Jan 2019 is finally being posted nearly a year later.

I've done different things in the past: posting as events were happening or saving drafts and publishing later. Since this is an unmedicated cycle, it felt a little anti-climactic when I first let my doctor know that I got my period and we're ready to start. There were no shots and everything else had gotten taken care of (finances, papers, etc) before the new year. I wasn't sure if I was going to live-blog about it or just keep drafts the same as last time. In the end I didn't do either because there was really nothing happening. Then things started moving so quickly that before I knew it here we are, T minus 7 days, and I haven't written about it at all.

So on Sunday morning 1/27, a week before our transfer, I took the time to write it up to date. For me, mainly; but also for continuity of the story on here. One day I hope to have a little one to share the story with so I want to make sure to get the details down before they fade.

Without further ado... here's the story of our seventh frozen embryo transfer:



Jan 10: CD1
Message my doctor announcing CD1. Also ask about whether a colonoscopy would derail the cycle and do we need to postpone. Response from doctor that there's no need to delay as long as any biopsies taken are rushed and we have results asap.



Jan 12: CD3
My doctor officially goes on maternity leave. Reassures me will still be involved.



Jan 15: CD6
Uneventful colonoscopy; no biopsies taken. Given the all clear with instructions to "come back in 11 years." Deal.

Also call nurse's line to schedule monitoring. Technically needs to be day 10 but that's a Saturday so I ask if we could do Sunday instead, since last cycle we didn't trigger until day 18.



Jan 20: CD11
Go in for blood work and ultrasound. Largest follicle measures 13 mm; asked to come back Tuesday.



Jan 21: CD 12
M. Chinese food for a belated Tu B'Shvat celebration.



Jan 22: CD13
Go in for blood work and ultrasound. Follicle at 15 mm. Arrived at 7:00, left at 8:20. Annoyed that another morning was lost to this.

That evening my doctor texts to check in. She asked when I was told to come back and I said the next morning (which confused me because follicles don't grow that fast, so what are they looking for?) After a few exchanges, I found out that my labs were never run that day. The lab was closed on MLK so Tuesday was very hectic for them and they were running behind. Instead of waiting for old results, the doctors standing in asked me to come back Wednesday. Another reason to be annoyed for spending an hour waiting for that blood work. Very touched my doctor checked in.



Jan 23: CD14
Go in for blood work and ultrasound. This time I thought I was being clever by leaving really early. I signed in at 7:04 and there were 19 people ahead of me. Sunofabeach. Done at 8:50 am. Largest follicle a 16 mm; asked to come back the next day.

Starting to assume when transfer will be. If it goes according to the trend we're seeing, largest follicle will be 17 mm tomorrow and we'll trigger, which would place transfer at next Friday. Great. In anticipation, I reschedule my husband's eye doctor appointment for this coming Friday instead to clear up the schedule.



Jan 24: CD15
Go in for blood work and ultrasound. I learned my lesson about being early (and I was sick AF of getting up at the cold crack of dawn). I signed in at 7:30 with only 5 people ahead of me. Follicle stalled. Still at 16 mm. Hmm.

Not feeling my prettiest: discover a giant zit on my chin. Have a cut under my nose that looks like a permanent hanging boog. Annoyed at the lack of sleep and having spent the past few mornings in the waiting room. My arms are looking beat up from the repeated sticks.

Nurse calls with results. They need me back next day. Of course. I have a meeting in the morning to which I am the lead staff and I need to break the news to my supervisor. I prepare a team member to lead the meeting, super bummed I won't be there, but such is life.

My husband's eye appointment with the specialist is also tomorrow and I wanted to be there as well. Looks like we're up for a stressful day. At this point I start mentally preparing for a cancelled cycle. I also start preparing in case we need to come in on Saturday for more monitoring.




Jan 25: CD 16

Go in for blood work and ultrasound. I get there at 6:50 am because I want to try to make it to my husnband's appointment across town. Follicle down to 15 mm. Lining went down to 7.8 instead of the 8 measured earlier in the week. What is going on??

Doctor mentions Saturday monitoring and asks if I can make it. I said that for religious reasons it's more complicated but if he recommends coming in then I'll make it happen. But I also shared my concern about this possibly being a busted cycle and whether the effort of coming in on Saturday is worth it. (Author's note: Now that I'm writing this out I'm seeing a trend that I keep asking if this cycle needs to be delayed.) He considered it and said let's wait for lab results and make a decision based on that. According to him, it didn't look like a busted cycle and he didn't want to risk losing the window by waiting until Sunday. I said to make the decision based on what's best for the success of the cycle and if I have to come in I will be there. I go down for labs and for the very first time since we switched clinics, I get stuck twice. They're running out of places to stick me.

I'm done at 8:10 and rush across town to meet my husband. I was making great time even with traffic and he hadn't even been called back yet. His 8:15 appointment started at 8:45 am and I walked in to the waiting room ten minutes later and joined in. My original worrying was unnecessary. Specialist recommended eye drops to start and follow up with another appointment in six months. He said he could go with very invasive testing but in his recommendation is it's not necessary at this point. I really need to reel in that worst-case-scenario guy in my head.

Back to me, results come in, asked to come in on Saturday. Scramble starts to find a ride. I have several non-religious friends who would be happy to take me on a Saturday morning but I can't ask another Jew to break Shabbat for me - I may as well break it myself. I can ask a non-Jew so the search began. The first person I asked apologized profusely because she was already committed to something else and wasn't available. The second person I asked was out of town for the weekend. I expanded the search by reaching out to select friends asking if anyone knows of someone reliable. One person responded that her neighbor is a nurse and would be willing but she didn't get off work until 5 pm and I wouldn't get an answer before Shabbat - that was not an option. It was stressful but I had a backup plan in mind: schedule ubers in advance. I was low-key stressed the whole week so this just added to it, but I knew I would figure something out. I searched for community services and found one that offered rides on Shabbat and Yom Tov. Perfect. I called the number and made arrangements. That was easy, though it's weird to trust someone you don't even know with such an important errand.

Next came the discussion about using the phone on Shabbat. If for some reason there is a trigger, I'll need to go know we're a go and what time to take the shot. We spent some time messing with our phones taking off all the security barriers to try to get text messages to pop up on the screen (I don't think I'll ever get the settings back to where I like them again). It finally worked but then there was the issue of the screen going blank after a few seconds. What if we miss the message? I wasn't comfortable relying only on this method. Then we considered, what if I hang out at the doctors office until they have the results and they can just tell me in person? We nixed that idea too because it's the weekend and the technicians might go home/work from another location when they get the results. It wasn't fool-proof either. At this point it was an hour before Shabbat. We called a Rabbi to ask about phone usage and left a message. I decided that if it comes down to it I would just answer the phone with a shinui to get the information.

My husband and I are pretty confident in our ability to interpret Halacha and use a liberal dose of common sense when it comes to things like this. In a situation where there is a threat to life or limb, there is no question that one can break shabbat to get help. It is preferable to be done with a shinui but if that will delay help, just do what needs to be done: call a doctor, drive to the hospital, boil water - whatever is needed to help the person in need. But this case is a little different: there is no emergency so what is allowed and what is restricted? We never heard back from the Rabbi, which was not unexpected; we literally gave him no time to respond, so we came up with the answer ourselves based on what we knew from previous questions. My reasoning came from the fact that when we asked about IVF protocol we were told that things that otherwise wouldn't be allowed on Shabbat, are allowed for this procedure because we are trying to have children. There was more to it but basically it all falls under the mitzvah of p'ru u'rvu. This is an extension of the same concept so good enough for me.

We welcome Shabbat after a stressful day and try to unwind. We know we won't be able to fully relax until after tomorrow morning's adventures are over. I fall asleep pretty early. He is still up when I get up at 2 am with stomach cramps. I go to the bathroom while he settles into bed. I'm in the bathroom for a while. My tummy is not happy. I don't feel well at all. I'm nauseous, have a headache, and the runs. I try to get back in bed but I can't stop shivering. I check the thermostat and it's at 60. Wth. Why is it so cold and why can't I stop shivering. I bring another blanket and try to fall back asleep. I toss and turn for a while, maybe catnap for a bit, but my stomach still hurts and I'm still visiting the bathroom often.




Jan 26: CD 17

At 6:30 am I'm up for the day. I remove the alarm clock from the bedroom so it doesn't wake him up. I visit the bathroom again. I'm not sure how much I slept. I have a headache and I feel gross. The nausea comes back and I throw up last night's dinner. I can't stop shivering. I need to get dressed because my ride is scheduled to come at 7:15 am. I can't find a sweater in the dark so my husband gets up and gives me his sweatshirt as I'm getting dressed. I feel parched and out of it. I have a few minutes before my ride is there so I make myself a cup of tea and force down a few sips. The last thing I want to do is go outside but I start to get ready by checking my pockets with everything I packed the day before: my ID and insurance card, the sticker I wrote my name and phone number on yesterday for the sign-in chart so I don't have to write today, house key, tissues, and closing up the pocket containing my phone. As much as I was trusting this stranger for my important ride, he was still a stranger. It was also my backup plan to uber if he didn't show up. At the scheduled time I tried the bathroom one last time, bundled up, and waited outside. It was quiet and cold. The sun was just coming up. There was only one other car that went by before he showed up. He couldn't have been more lovely. He knew to open the door, he had the address and everything mapped out, limited small talk. I was trying to hold it together and not leave a mess in his car. He dropped me off and we agree on a time for him to come back. It's an estimate so I overshoot because I have no idea how long it will take and I don't want to inconvenience him by making him wait.

I got there and there was no one around to open the door for me. There was very limited foot traffic because of the weekend. I could have waited around a while but it was cold and I didn't feel well so I opened the door myself, triggering the automatic climate control apparatus above the doors. Sorry Hashem. I brace myself to take the stairs, giving myself time between each flight to fight down the nausea and stomach cramps. I get to the waiting room and the sign in sheet is halfway full but with most people already having been seen. There was only one person ahead of me. I put down my stickers with my name and phone number and take a seat. I try to sip the water bottle I brought with me. It's not long before I get called back. Largest follicle is at 17 mm and lining is at 7.9 - huzzah! On call doctor wants me to get labs done and then decide about trigger. I get dressed and go outside, where the tech tells me that the nurse wants to see me before I head out.

The nurse was conferring with the doctor when I walked up and she's like, "Oh since you can't answer the phone later we'll just give you instructions now." Yay! That solves the whole answering the phone situation later and I didn't even need to ask for an accommodation. She goes over the checklist and timing, following my doctors explicit written instructions. I tell her I can't take Doxy so they text my doctor and get a nearly immediate response. She's on it. We're on for trigger today. She takes me aside to give me more instructions. I ask for a minute to head to the bathroom, I feel like I'm going to throw up. I go to the bathroom but it's dark. When I shut the door it's complete darkness. That kind of jolts me and the wave of nausea passes. I wash my hands and go back to the nurse to finish instructions. I think she can kind of tell I'm not totally with it so she sums it up: for today I just have to deal with the trigger and gives me the paper with the rest of the instructions. Got it. I head downstairs to the lab for the sixth time in seven days.

I walk in and there is no one in the waiting room. Score. I ask the front desk lady if I can opt out of checking in at the kiosk. It's a new protocol and I know they have the option of checking people in on their computer. She was distracted and said everyone needs to check in on the electronic kiosk. I knew she hadn't even heard what I said and even though I didn't want to make a big deal of it, I also wanted to give it one last try before going through with it if I didn't need to. I asked one more time hoping that my polite request for my preference not to break the sabbath isn't seen as pretentious, and this time she looks up, recognizes me since she's seen me all week. Asks her boss if it's ok to break protocol, gets the all clear, and checks me in on her computer. A minute later I'm in the chair. I'm not asked to initial my name label - at this point it's clear I prefer not to and they are being graciously understanding. When I'm all done she apologizes for the "mixup with the kiosk" and I wave it off by thanking her profusely for being so accommodating. It's my choice to be religious and I hate imposing it on anyone, so the steps taken all morning to be helpful were greatly appreciated.

It was 8:05 and I was ready to go home. My ride was scheduled to come back at 8:45 am. I hunkered down in the lobby for the wait. Sitting there, alone with my thoughts, thinking about how stressful it's been to get to this point and how the transfer might actually happen brought me to tears. There was a family that came in for monitoring, a couple with a toddler. As they were leaving the father picked up the toddler to walk across the parking lot. I was feeling so gross at that point that I don't think I could have picked up a toddler. That's when the self-doubt crept it - am I in any condition to be having a child if I can't even pick them up in the parking lot? Then the trauma of past failures flashed in my mind and I couldn't hold back the tears. I was just sitting in the lobby crying. Fear. Relief. Nerves. They were silent tears, not sobs. They didn't last very long. I am grateful to be in this position, where we are, at the cusp of a new adventure. Even though I am very apprehensive about what will be, I am also hopeful.

I think some part of me was waiting for the transfer to get canceled because I don't feel ready. I didn't want to be the one to call it quits but I feel like I could use more time. I never got over that mental hump of not needing to take that extra month for antibiotics or whatnot after the ERA cycle. I didn't lose as much weight as I'd hoped in prep for this; I didn't get another job with paid maternity leave; I didn't remodel my house how I dreamed it would look when we were expecting. We've been waiting forever and yet it seems like it just snuck up on me. It is what it is. I'm going through with it because it is the priority above all those other things.

My ride arrived a little past the agreed time and I was home just after 9 am. I update my husband as I peel off layers of outside clothing and get into my PJs. I have a throbbing headache and wonder how I managed to be a functioning human for the past two hours. He asks what he can do to help and I start listing what I need: water, tylenol, tea. He rearranges my blankets and tucks me in before going around the house collecting what I asked for. I can't lift my head off the pillow because my head hurts so much. I risk it to down some tylenol with a few sips of water and I'm out.

At 10:30 am my phone rings in my jacket and he wakes me up to ask what we should do. I wasn't planning to answer it but he gets my jacket and brings it to me - by the time it gets to me the ringing has stopped and we can't see who called. He asked if I'm going to check the phone and I said I already have the instructions, I don't think it was important. If it was the clinic and there's a change in protocol from what I was given they'll call again. No further calls and I'm back asleep. I wake up around noon to use the bathroom and have a sip of cold tea. The headache is subsiding but still there. Nausea is gone but stomach ache still there. I fell asleep again until 2:40 when my husband woke me up again to get ready for the trigger shot. I wake up confused but quickly shake the cobwebs and get into action mode, slowly. I'm drenched in sweat. I was very heavily asleep. I take the trigger at the scheduled time 3:00 pm (may have been 2:55) and we get ready to have some lunch. I haven't eaten yet today and what we were originally going to have didn't sound good for my grumpy tummy. I make a big salad and put out a few hard boiled eggs. The salad is delicious - the salt and lemon juice and crunchy vegetables are exactly what I wanted. I have most of my egg. Barely a bite of challah. I'm worried about overeating and what that would do to my stomach. It seems like it was a 24 hour bug but I don't want to risk it. The rest of the afternoon goes by uneventfully. I don't have patience for any of my books so I flip through the pile of magazines. I found an article in the New York magazine "The Gay Church" which was very interesting. My stomach still hurt, but less so, and I didn't get any reaction from late lunch. Toward evening I had another cup of tea. So far so good. When Shabbat was over I checked my voicemail. The call earlier was from my nurse just confirming that labs were back and we are confirmed for what was discussed earlier. It wasn't necessary for her to call but it was nice to get confirmation and know labs were good. My appetite started coming back and even though I was scared to anger my tummy I was also hungry. I ate something light. Since I slept all day I assumed I'd be up all night. Nope - I was out before 1 am.



Jan 27: CD 18
I spent an hour on Sunday morning typing this up to date.



Jan 28: CD 19
Feeling happy and content. Watched The Good Place finale last night and that show brings me so much joy! Also starting to accept transfer and allowing myself to be hopeful.

Later in the day I discovered that the medication my doctor wants me to use is not covered by my insurance. It's $27/dose and she wants me to take it twice daily for a month. I'm freaking out. I texted my doctor to find out if there's an alternative. I didn't hear back, which is unlike her. Possible she's either literally in labor or shortly post-partum.

I need the medication by Wednesday and it's only available from the mail-order pharmacy. As much as I hate Freedom Pharm it looks like we're going back to them. I place the order for half the amount I need so that I'll have it when it's needed but not all of it in case I can swap for something else.



Jan 29: CD 20
First thing in the morning I called the nurses line and left a message asking about the medication. At lunchtime I followed up and someone told me they'll give me a call back.

We're expecting inclement weather and everyone is contemplating whether or not to close early.



Jan 30: CD 21

I never heard back from the nurses yesterday. I also never heard back from my doctor. I assume she's either in active labor or very recently post-partum. I called the nurse line again and leave a slightly-desperate voicemail. I get a call back within the hour and the nurse was like, "ok... what's going on?" So I explained that the crinone was ridiculously expensive at $27/dose and was there anything else? Also the prednisone they asked me to start that evening was passed around to three different pharmacies, one filled it, so the mail-order one couldn't and I needed to start the meds that night and still didn't have them. She calmed me down saying, "let's just refill the prednisone - where do you want it?" So I gave her the pharmacy closest to me. Then I asked about the cinone alternative and she's like, yeah there are IM shots but no one ever prefers those. I nearly lost my sh!t because if I had known that was an option (at closer to $6/dose) I would have taken it. So she's like, well let just cancel the crinone and put in the order for PIO and I said that no one called me back and I already ordered them because I panicked and was worried I wouldn't have them for when I need them!!!! I was so upset. Mostly upset at myself for panicking and placing the order prematurely. To be fair I really didn't understand the paper and what meds I needed when, and since it was coming from a specialty mail-order pharm and the inclement weather I figured I need to get them ordered asap so they'll be here when I need them. This likely wouldn't have happened if my doc wasn't away. Miss her already.

Per my schedule, started the prednisone this evening. Take one pill twice a day for five days. It's so bitter and gross. I guess that's why you're supposed to take it with food.



Jan 31: CD 22

Scheduled the cleaning crew for this morning. I usually have them come every 8 to 10 weeks, and also right before transfers or procedures. I like having a clean house. Lately it's been so cold I haven't been able to open any windows to get fresh air so I'm glad to have a good cleaning done. My friend's mother's funeral is today so I'll be out of the office most of the middle of the day.



Feb 1: CD 23

It's Friday and I have a lot to take care of. I need to buy the birthday cake for a potluck bday party on Sunday and deliver it to the party host. I need to prepare for a big meeting on Monday, which includes going out to get snacks because I don't want to have to deal with that post-transfer. I don't think there are lifting restrictions but if I can get it out of the way why not. I also wanted to pick up a present for my husband - the item he sculpted back in Dec when I made him do a Try-It-Out pottery class with me. And it's icy out and still snowing. Plus I still need to cook for shabbat. We were invited out for lunch so just dinner.



Feb 2: CD 24

I walked to a farther away shul today. It was icy from yesterday's bad weather but supposed to warm up and all melt during the day. It was about two miles walking and really beautiful out - crisp blue sky, fresh air, limited car traffic. In the past I've gotten a massage right before a transfer but I didn't feel like it this time (and there was just no time to schedule it) so it felt really good to move all my muscles on a great walk. We got home late after being out for lunch and chilled at home chatting until Shabbat was over. Then my husband had to work for a few hours and I went out with a friend to see Amy Schumer! She's hilarious. I was worried she would cancel last minute because of how gross the pregnancy has been making her feel but she didn't and it was awesome. She had four warm up comics who were also funny that I want to look up. A great way to prep for a transfer. Normally we'd go out after a show to get something to eat but I wanted to be home to get to sleep early in prep for the early adventures in the morning. I got home and had avocado and egg on challah.



Feb 3: CD 25: Transfer Day

6:40 AM It's heeerrreeee!!!!!

It's been nearly a year in the making and we're finally scheduled for our seventh FET this morning. We are supposed to be there at 8 AM for a 9 AM transfer. I'm supposed to drink 18 oz of water by 8 am. I feel like transfer day deserves its own post but it's also the main highlight of this post so I'll just leave it and continue updating. So far I'm enjoying this concept of updating one long thread. Less decisions, more time to write.

Anyway, back to this morning. my eyes popped open at 6 am on the dot, even though my alarm is scheduled for 6:30. I played on my phone for a bit before taking the synthroid on my empty stomach and going to the bathroom. Planning to shower, dress, daven, take the rest of my morning pills, and have breakfast before we leave. It's T-Day!!!

We arrived at the clinic at 8:00 AM as scheduled and I just finished drinking the required amount of water. It was quiet and empty. We signed in and waited. About twenty minutes later two staff workers come in through the front door and head to the back. A few minutes later we were called back. It was 8:30 AM and I was settled in to the bed stripped from the waist down, vitals taken, paperwork checked, bladder full. They handed my husband a paper gown and told us we'd be going in at 9 AM. My stomach had been unsettled - I went to the bathroom before we left the house and then again in the building right before walking in to the clinic. I hadn't had an appetite for breakfast and my stomach was grumpy. We chatted as we waited. My bladder was fine the whole time but I was ready to go to the bathroom.

At 9:15 we still weren't taken back but I saw the doctor lacing up his mask passing by. I knew it was soon. Part of me was slightly disappointed my own doctor couldn't make it. I wasn't really surprised because I know she either literally just gave birth or was imminently about to. I'm not sure which and I didn't want to ask. Anyway, this was the doctor that did my retrieval in August so I was happy with him.

At 9:20 we got wheeled to the OR. There were a lot of people: doctor, embryologist, male nurse, my husband, and me. I got settled on the table, my husband tried to sit out of the way in the corner but I wanted him nearby but that was in the way of the male nurse going back and forth. They started by settling me on the table and adjusting my legs in the stirrups. They put pillowcases on my legs. I was lying flat on the table which didn't feel very comfortable but I trusted that they knew what was going on. The doctor told us which embryo was going in. I kind of knew which one that was but I asked the embryologist to double check. I didn't want to have any doubt. At some point a second doctor came in and took over the ultrasound part of it. She made some adjustments which helped the transfer doctor. The new doc was also very chipper and happy which helped me because I was starting to lose it - I was emotional about what was happening and what could be the result of this exact moment good or bad. The tears were making my eyes blurry which frustrated me because I didn't want to miss it.

They inserted the catheter and a white mist appeared on the screen. As the embryologist went to make sure the catheter was all clear, the chipper doc managing the ultrasound pointed out that that was the fluid with the embryo. Just like that we went from TTC to PUPO.

It was over quickly, the embryologist gave the all clear and I was wheeled back to the recovery. The female nurse took over asked if I want to empty my bladder before she does the rest of the stuff. I wanted to get dressed first. I wanted to feel like myself instead of having my butt hanging in the wind as I walked to and from the bathroom. It was tight quarters so I sent my husband to the waiting room to wait for me. I peed for like 3 minutes without squeezing anything. It was so relieving. Got my papers and we were on our way.

It was 9:45 and we were thinking about breakfast. The grumpy stomach was replaced with hunger and we couldn't decide what we want. We were about to place a huge bagels order but then changed our mind. Got plain bagels instead and made our own sandwiches at home. We also stopped by to get some cheese danishes.

After breakfast my husband did some work and I got in bed to veg out with the TV. We were scheduled to go to a family birthday brunch at noon so we begrudgingly got dressed and ready to go out. It was a low key party and I had the most delicious white chocolate cheesecake.

After that we went home, my husband went back to work and I went back to bed. Around 4 pm I fell asleep and woke up to my alarm going off. We were supposed to go to a superbowl party. As homebodies, we love being home and staying home. I think it's worse to go out and come back in a few times a day, rather than going out and staying out. Once I'm home I want to stay there.

The superbowl party was nice - even if a little loud because of all the shrieking children. I actively reminded myself not to take a hotdog. It's not like I generally eat them but for some reason I was worried this time I'd forget when it might actually matter. Although I bet if a pregnant woman eats a hotdog it's probably not that big of a deal.



Feb 4: CD 26: 1dp5dt

Monday morning I took the last medrol/prednisone pill. It's going to be a long day at work but it's a beautiful day with the highs in the 60s and beautiful blue skies. I started referring to it to myself as the first day of my pregnancy. lol. hopeful much? Tonight I start crinone.



Feb 5: CD 27: 2dp5dt

8:23 am It's been so long since my last transfer that I nearly forgot the lingo. I originally wrote 2dp5db for 2 days post 5 day blast. It basically gave me hope that one day this ttc chapter will be behind us and I'll be able to think of other things and not obsess about this anymore.

We got a humidifier to try to curb the sore throat we're both feeling.

Symptom-wise, I'm feeling that full-uterus feeling like I did the past few cycles. It's very mild and only there when I pay attention to it. It was there starting after the transfer as in previous transfers and started before I started the crinone so I know it's not a side effect of the medication.

I don't have any pee sticks. I'm debating whether or not to get some. They drive me nuts and they don't tell me anything. I've gotten positive POAS results only to have it end a few days after beta. I don't want to raise expectations unnecessarily. Yesterday I read back some of the posts from the early days of my last transfer to compare symptoms. My struggle with the pee sticks was legit. I don't want to put us through that again. Also, my new clinic doesn't make you wait the full two weeks before testing beta - only 10 days. That doesn't seem like such a difference but to me it sounds monumental. Especially since at this point it's in a week.

2:15 pm I keep thinking about it. Then when I forget and remember I chide myself for forgetting. Like I went to the storage room and needed to get something underneath a bunch of boxes and started lifting them. Then I remembered and quickly set them down. I'm trying to stay super zen and just "enjoy being pregnant" - because I'm trying to convince myself that for the time being that's what I am until told otherwise - but it's really hard not to obsess. I just wasted an hour googling symptoms and getting sucked into outdated blogs that came up when I typed in 2dp5dt. There are no symptoms and there is nothing to talk about. I can't share the secret with anyone yet. I think about people's reactions when they'll find out but then I get worried about thinking so far ahead when we are literally just two days into this. I can keep typing but there is just nothing to talk about. Trying to remember to drink water.



Feb 6: CD 28: 3dp5dt

I found a pack of expired pee sticks in the back of the bathroom cabinet. I wasn't looking for them, but I also wasn't not looking for them. They're over a year expired. They're going to give me a false answer. I'm chill, I can handle seeing a negative, especially this early on (totally false, I don't know who I'm trying to kid). In no scenario will I get the conclusive information I want so why put myself through this? There's a 25% chance I'll get the right answer, but it won't even be conclusive until we see something in the uterus. with a fetal pole. and a heartbeat. So why am I obsessing about these gosh darn pee sticks??



Feb 7: CD 29: 4dp5dt

So I peed on a stick. An expired stick. It wasn't even fmu; I had gotten up at 4 to pee and then tested with the 6:45 pee. It couldn't have come out more negative. I'm not sure what I was expecting. I didn't tell my husband. He would have gotten annoyed that I poas this early and on a strip a year past it's expiration date. It reminded me that there's a very real chance that this might not stick. It's one thing to try to remind myself of that in general terms but it's very sobering to see "evidence" of the possibility. As I scrutinized the strip under the light, looking for absolutely any sign other than absolute stark white where the second line should be, I felt silly for believing it could actually work.

There are less symptoms this time around. Maybe it's because I'm not on shots. Maybe it's because it's still so early. In previous transfers there was what seemed like a bit of activity around the uterus area for the first few days. At the time it made me feel good that something was going on but it didn't last so what good did it do?

It's officially past the 48 - 96 hour mark for implantation. Not sure how I feel about that. Now that it's over I'm going back in my mind considering what, if anything, I should have done different to give it a better chance. Even though I didn't actually believe in it, I ate pineapple and had brazil nuts in the past few evenings as an after dinner snack. Let's be real: I added three brazil nuts to my trail mix of pretzles and m&ms because brazil nuts are not tasty.

So far the crinone is ok. I'm waiting for the start of all the gross side effects I've been warned about. The insertion isn't the most classy but if I'm being honest it's a lot more preferable to the PIO shots which were painful and a thing every time. Now that the money is gone and spent, I'm not regretting this costly mistake as much.

I have a cold. Thick, green snot and occasional sneezing.

6 sleeps until beta.



Feb 8: CD 30: 5dp5dt

Yesterday was a long day. It started with an early morning training and then trying to get a lot of things done once I was back at my desk. I left early because I had signed up to bring a friend dinner while the family is getting used to the reality of losing her mother, but I didn't have any groceries in the house. We've kind of been winging it with dinner. So I left work at 3:45 pm to go shopping. Got my groceries in the house and was cooking by 4:30 pm. While the food was in the oven I put away the rest of the groceries and made a few extras for Shabbat. I debated whether dropping off the food then coming home to change or changing first then going or just going straight. I decided I was overthinking it and just went to deliver the food. From there I went to pottery and got home at 9:30 pm tired and smelly from the whole day. Took a shower, took my crinone dose, and went to bed.

I tested again this morning and it was again completely stark white. Not even a squinter. I caved and ordered fresh pee sticks. I almost didn't because by the time they'll arrive it will be a day or so before beta. But I can't keep using the expired ones and going to the store is not an option - for some reason that feels like crossing a line.

Still no symptoms. I have the full-uterus feeling, but if I'm distracted it goes away. If I had to choose a side, it's closer to the right, but also my back is tight on that side so I think those are related. It's usually centered and only there when I'm paying attention. Like my undies are just a bit snug. That could be because of the progesterone, I already know from previous cycles. It could also be because it took and my expired pee sticks are liars. Who knows.

Two minor incidents that are only noteworthy because nothing else is happening:

- Yesterday during pottery class the instructor was demonstrating something and going around and around his pot. The thought of doing that made me dizzy and a wave of nausea whispered by. It was so subtle I almost wouldn't have noticed it if I wasn't so aggressively looking for signs.

- This morning I felt like my heart was fluttering for a minute before I got out of bed. I was getting ready to take the next crinone dose and was just hanging in bed procrastinating when I noticed it. My blood pressure has been fine since we got it under control over the summer but I took a reading just in case: 107/71 pulse 74... so not that. I assumed dehydration, especially since I have a minor cold, and drank water.

11:34 pm - I'm at work and I'm rattled. I was walking down the hall and felt my heart flutter again. I really need to catch up on water, I think, before my superstitions catch up to me and something happens where I'll regret not staying hydrated. So I head to refill my bottle and as I do, I feel wetness down there. My first reaction was "Oh shit. Is it blood?" and it takes everything I have to resist checking then and there. I try to run through the list of who I need to call if it is. I calmly fill my water bottle while responding to mundane chit chat with others nearby, put it on my desk after taking a long pull, and walk to the bathroom. Completely numb. I go to the bathroom and wipe. Creamy white. Oh. It's just the crinone. Making a complete mess and I'd never been happier. I just sat there a little shaken and tried to regroup. Those trauma lines run deep.

3:45 pm - the nurse calls me back. After my little non-incident I left a message saying I had a few questions about the crinone. I wanted to know if all the discharge was normal (it is); I wanted to know if I was losing any medication since it kept leaking out (I'm not); I wanted to know if there are any restrictions regarding sex while on crinone (there are not, but best to first have sex then insert crinone); and I wanted to know if the mild cramping was a normal side effect -- that one stumped her. She's like what kind of cramping? Apparently that isn't normally one of the side effects. I said it was like minor period cramps all the time on and off since the transfer. I assumed it was a side effect of the meds and didn't think much of it. Now that the fertility nurse was surprised to hear it it made me nervous. She said that some women are so in tune with their bodies that they notice everything and if it's bothering me I can take tylenol. It's not bothering me so I'm not taking meds unnecessarily. Something is going on - I can tell. I just don't know what.



Feb 9: CD 31: 6dp5dt

I'm driving myself nuts with these expired pee sticks. I haven't thrown them out yet. I took a test around 6:40 pm after shabbat. They are still giving me a negatives and I just can't accept that because I feel something going on. By this time last cycle I definitely had a positive result. I don't know why I'm torturing myself with them. The fresh sticks are en route. I paid for 1 business day shipping and just my luck the next business day is Monday, so I get to ponder the whole weekend if the degraded pee sticks are lying or not. Google doesn't help - some people used pee sticks expired for three years and got a faint positive. Not helping me.

8:00 pm - I checked the stick again and there's a faint line. Not even a squinter, but an actual line. So now I'm concerned that (1) it's a degraded line (2) that it's another chem (3) ectopic pregs can give positive hcg results too, right? I can't win with these wonky sticks. Even so. I'm not hating the line. I'm not confident enough (aka too superstitious) to calculate due dates, sonogram dates, trimester dates, but seeing the line calms me down enough to enjoy the rest of the evening but not enough to tell my husband I've been using the expired pee sticks. I've already learned he hates them and doesn't trust them and prefers I don't use them. So I accept his wishes not to know until beta.

My husband now has the cold. I still have a sore throat and congestion.



Feb 10: CD 32: 7dp5dt

I take another test with fmu. I got a positive last night so we're pals now, right? I thought maybe the positive would show up sooner because of the fmu vs the late evening u from last night. No. We're back to negative. Back to worrying, back to wondering.

Beta is on Wednesday, so three more days.

4:00 pm - it's complete chaos with the pee sticks at this point. I took another one this afternoon and it was darker than the fmu from this morning. I compared it with the previous sticks and the line fades back and forth between darker and lighter regardless of time. It doesn't make me feel better to see the line because it's so faint and coming up unreliably that it makes me think it's not real. I spent the better part of an hour yesterday googling the difference between a faint positive and an evap line. I still don't get the difference.

The rest of the day was spent trying to ignore the non-symptoms and watching Netflix. Highly recommend Russian Doll with Natasha Lyonne.



Feb 11: CD 33: 8dp5dt

This morning I used the last shreds of self control and didn't poas. It was early and still dark out and raining and I just wanted to get back in bed. I convinced myself it's better to wait until after today's mail comes in and use a fresh stick.

Turns out it wasn't just raining but rather an icy mix of rain and snow. While I waited for the plows to come through our street before going out I decided we need chocolate chip cookies in our life and made a fresh batch.

The cramping/full uterus feeling has gotten milder. If I really think about it I can probably feel something but for the most part I don't feel much. If not for those faded lines (evap lines?) I'd assume it was just a bust. I'm still not convinced it's not but trying to hold out hope. Had eggs and Israeli salad for breakfast (and 2 fresh cookies); salad for lunch.

I want to keep writing but I have nothing more to say. There are many feelings of anxiety. I'm kind of spaced out at work right now waiting to hear news. In approx 48 hours we'll have the bloodwork results.

5:30 pm - ok, so I got home and there was the package for the new pee sticks. I wasn't planning to use one but then I had to pee so I figured why not. I collected some pee and stuck two sticks in it: one old, and one fresh. I wanted to see how accurate the old pee sticks were, if any. While waiting I read the insert that came with the fresh package. I don't remember reading it before. I saw that it said wait 10 min before reading the results. Who knew?? I always thought it was two minutes but I guess that's for the type you stick into a stream? It also turns out you can read the results up to 30 min. I didn't know that either! Good thing this comes with instructions.

This evening I told my husband about the pee sticks. I felt uncomfortable having this monumental news that really belongs to both of us being kept to myself. I wasn't sneaking around with the hpts but I was keeping them out of sight out of respect for his preference. I'm still doing that just for less questions. It's one thing to test; it's another thing to test daily or mult times a day. I said, "remember your thoughts about the pee sticks? well, I took one." He said, "And?" So I said, "At the very least it's a chemical pregnancy." That's how much I'm not sure it's actually going to work.



Feb 12: CD 34: 9dp5dt

Woke up at 5:30 am ready to poas. Frustratingly, the line isn't getting darker. It's still there. It may no longer be a squinter but it's still fairly light. I started researching that online. Found everything from people who had the same thing and results ranged from cp to just fine. I don't get why when I google things, I only get threads from like 2014 and earlier. Where are my current ttc people at?

I'm trying not to psych myself out but I am preparing for a low-ish beta tomorrow. The test picks up hcg once it reaches 25miu/ml so I'm assuming it's at least that because there is a faint line. The real question isn't necessarily beta, but the next test after that to see if hcg rises. More time. More anxiety. More waiting. This is literally the worst part of ttc. In 24 hours I go in for blood test.

After my poas adventures and anxiety this morning, I fell back asleep and woke up at 9 am. Luckily we had a late opening because of the weather. I don't have an appetite. I don't think it's hormonal nausea; I just feel very anxious. I skipped breakfast and just had some soup for lunch. Around two I had veggies with hummus.

I'm trying to stay distracted. I'm not even trying to stay positive anymore, just trying not to downward spiral into negativity. How is it still the 2ww??? The stress is making me want to ball up in the corner and cry.


Since distractions aren't working and for lack of anything better to do with myself, I started going back to edit this post. It's really long. I'm debating whether it needs to get cut in several chunks. I'll figure it out when the time comes. As I read through it I'm jealous of my past self right before the transfer at how happy I was. So carefree. Knowing the 2ww was around the corner but kind of having forgotten what a hellish mindf*** it is. As of today, it's been 7 x 2ww. That's nearly fourteen weeks of my life that likely account for every single gray hair on my head and the big wrinkle developing a permanent residence between my eyebrows.



Feb 13: CD 35: 10dp5dt: BETA
I didn't pee on a stick this morning. I felt like it couldn't tell me any new information or something I wouldn't hear later this morning. I don't just want to hear it's positive; I want to hear a great strong number. I also don't just want a number; I want to hear that it's doubling and progressing appropriately. Even though I was anxious to get it over with, I was in no hurry out the door this morning. I didn't feel the need to rush. I knew the lab opened at 6:30 am but the clinic doesn't open until 7, which meant that if my lab slip wasn't submitted there wouldn't be anyone to sign it until then. And even then I was in no rush to get there at 7 because I knew I wouldn't need to wait in the ultrasound line, so whenever I go I would just be doing blood. Plus, I won't get the results before 11 no matter what time I go in, so why hurry?


I got there at 7:28 am. I went up to the clinic to verify their protocol: sign in but check of that it's bloodwork only so that they know to call you with results. Then I went downstairs to sign in for blood work - I was the only one there so no line. They called me and said there was no lab slip in the system. Typical. As expected. I knew this might happen since my doctor is still on maternity leave and they're not as on the ball up there without her. It was a quick call upstairs and I was getting set up within minutes. I asked the tech if they're testing for hcg only or also progesterone. She said just hcg but that I can call upstairs to add it. On one hand I remember my doctor mentioning in one of our earlier meetings that she would test progesterone early on to make sure that the pregnancy was being supported. On the other hand I didn't want to make a stink - they know what they're doing right? I decided that asking them to add it wouldn't be making a stink and that they will likely contact my doctor to verify one way or another if I ask for it. If she decides it's too early that's fine with me; but I didn't want them not to test because it was overlooked and I didn't mention anything. If things go sideways I want to know I did everything I could. So after blood work I went back upstairs to ask the nurse to add progesterone and she's like, "Sure what's your name?" Talk about buzzkill... they don't even know who I am! Whatever, I don't care as long as this preg works.


I got to work by 8:17 am and turned my phone on silent for the day. I don't want to jump every time it rings. I want to believe I'll listen to the voicemail with results in the privacy of my home but we all know I likely won't be able to wait. Praying. Praying. Praying.


At 11:08 am I got an email notification from the patient portal saying I have a new message. My heart was pounding as I frustratingly had to reset my password because my mind completely blanked. I was finally in: hcg is at 109. My first reaction was to send a screenshot to my husband.
My second reaction was to take a huge breath. I didn't realize I'd been holding it all day. There was a staff appreciation luncheon going on in the cafeteria and they were serving Chinese food, my absolute favorite. I was planning to stuff my face if results came back not great, but since they were good I couldn't justify pumping full of msg. So I took my lunch home for my husband who is home sick with the cold. We are obviously, obviously thrilled. But we're also very cautious because this is just the first step. It's the first step of many, and one we've been at four times prior. So while we are definitely thrilled to be at this point, we're much more restrained in celebration than we've been at previous betas.
An hour after I got the results, I got a text message from my doctor on maternity leave saying she knows it's early still but congrats on the first milestone. How sweet is that? She's incredible.

When I first saw the number I was concerned that it was lower than other betas. I've gotten 273 and 448 in the past, so does it mean something that it's lower? Then I remembered that my old clinic made us wait until 13 dpt and today is 10 dpt, so by the time I retest on Friday it should be closer to those betas if it continues progressing normally.

Right now I'm feeling a little leaky down there and I'm just going to assume it's the crinone sneaking out again. Trying to relax and live in the moment. For right now this is where I want to be and I am grateful. So, so grateful.
Update: had to check the leaking and thankfully it was crinone.

Around 3 pm I hear back from the financial counselor. I had emailed them a week ago, and followed up the previous day, about a weird statement I received that said we owe $1100. It didn't look right to me because I had been told in Dec our account is up to date. Turns out someone royally screwed up in the billing department. Not only did they not submit our August claims until November, but when those claims were all denied no one bothered to tell us. Instead of saying something before we started the FET process, the claims were all piled up to the tune of $8800+ that are now pending.

In December, I contacted the billing department to find out about my account to close out any open balances before the new year. I was assured there was nothing on my account at the time except for an outstanding $106, which I paid and that was it. I did what I thought was the responsible thing and pre-paid half of our out of pocket cost for the FET, knowing at that point that our benefits were exhausted and it would be our responsibility. So instead of taking the hit all at once I decided to split it and take the tax break in 2018.

When I asked about the $3k prepayment I was told it's gone. Gone?? Yes, it was use for the open balances on the denied claims. This was all back and forth via email. By the time I sent my fourth response she was gone for the day.



Feb 14: CD 36: 11dp5dt
Pee stick this morning was darker than previous. Why did I take one? Dunno.
I had an early morning training out of the office. As I saw in the 90 min session, I felt like my heart was racing. I thought maybe I'm dehydrated so I kept drinking water. When I was up to 30 oz and still no change I thought maybe I need to go to the bathroom. As the presenter went on an on about something I couldn't focus on, I kept timing my heart rate and while it wasn't racing, it felt like it was skipping a beat. After the meeting I got back in my car and called the clinic to speak to the Dr. handling my doctor's cases while she's on maternity leave. Doctor was with a patient so I left a message asking her to give me a call. I texted my husband an update.

It wasn't even five minutes when she called back. She's like, yes I got your progesterone results and everything looks fine. I said oh that's great but I had a question for you. As I was talking I could feel the tears start. I said to her that I feel like my heart is racing and while I don't want to overreact, I also don't want to ignore it if it's something and what does she recommend. I barely got through it before heaving sobs started. I told her I know I'm anxious and there's a lot going on. She asked if there's a history of that for me - I said nothing official but there have been a few incidents in the past. No history of depression. She asked where I live and how far away I am, then offered me to come in to get checked out or to talk to me over the phone to work it out. I said if it's ok to come in I'd rather do that to get checked out. I can handle the mental/emotional stress; I can't handle when it manifests physically as a symptom of a racing heart because then I feel like something is severely wrong.

She told me she's about to step in to see another patient but that she'll let the front desk know that I'm on the way and she'll see me as soon as she's available. I said no problem, take your time, hung up, and cried in my car for a few minutes. I knew I was anxious. I knew I was worried. I didn't realize I was bottling it up. I got there, and parked the car. Sent updated messages to my husband. I couldn't stop crying. I wanted to be able to talk to her like a functioning adult but I knew I wouldn't be able to if I was sobbing. My husband called and I regained composure while talking to him. I was still blotchy but at least calm.

I walked into the office, signed in, took a cup of water, and waited. The tech came to get me shortly after. Blood pressure was 163/91, pulse was 95. I was upset. She asked me what's going on? and that set off the sobs again so she took my bp instead and that was the result. She said doc will be with me shortly, do I need anything? I said I'm good. She said doc said to relax, and I had to laugh at that. I gave her two thumbs up and said "I'm on it!"

I sat in the room for about 20 min while I heard activity outside in the hall while they were taking care of the patient in front of me. I tried to calm myself down. As I was, I rehersed my story and every time I mentioned the miscarriages from before I would start the tears again. Even typing it up now I tear up thinking about the march 2018 miscarriage. The tech poked her head in to check in on me and said the doc will be about 10 minutes. I went to use the bathroom and when I came back she took my bp again: 143/85, p 93. Doc was ready for me.

She said, Ok talk to me - what's happening? So I went into my shpiel: before coming to this clinic I had four miscarriages. They were all early before we saw the heartbeat. The most recent one was in March 2018 as the most traumatic one. While we're thrilled with the positive pregnancy test, I'm very anxious about another loss, especially a traumatic one again. And while I feel silly for coming in, I'd rather feel silly than regret not coming in if something goes sideways with the pregnancy. That plus I recently got some troubling news from the billing office and the timing of everything combined was just apparently too much.

She asked questions. dug deeper, got more information. We spent about 25 min talking while she took notes the whole time. My doctor couldn't have picked a better replacement. SO sweet, so caring. Really wanted to help. She asked about other stressors in my life: spouse, family, work, etc. I said I could complain about the ice but she can't do anything about that either. She wantd to know more about the billing issue so I went into it. At the end she's like what can I do to help. So i said I know logically there's nothing to be done but wait for the preg and work out the billing issues, which I know will get taken care of but in the meantime I freaked out.
The financial counselor came in and tried to explain the difference between her office and the billing office, how she wants to help but her hands are tied, and how she will get a supervisor involved.

After the billing person left, the doctor checked my heart rate and said she doesn't hear a skipped or extra beat like what I was describing but if it would make me feel better she can order an EKG. I said I'll skip it and follow up with my pcp if I feel the need to. She advised me to try to do things to help me relax, like exercise, yoga, meditation, soft music. I really appreciated her time and when she wished me the best and I was on my way, I already felt better.

My face was still too blotchy from the sobbing to do back to work right away so I went to a pottery supply store to treat myself with some new clay tools.  When I did get in to work I sent the doctor an email to thank her for her time.  By evening I was feeling much better.



FEB 15: CD 37: 4W-ish

Blood work this morning was quick and simple. After that I met with a contractor to get an estimate to freshen up our bathroom. To save money we're going to keep the layout the same, keep the counter and other tiles but change the floor and paint. It's finally happening!

Results came back around 10 am and it had doubled nicely from 109 to 223. Baruch Hashem.

I had the rest of the day off for Pres Day Weekend so I spent it doing laundry and preparing for Shabbat. At one point I talked to my insurance and discovered that our lifetime benefits renewed!!! More info in the 2/17 post about our insurance.



FEB 17: CD 39: 4W-ish

I POAS this morning. Technically I was supposed to go back in this morning to see if it had doubled again, but because it's the weekend they don't do hcg so I'll plan to go in tomorrow. I wanted to see the line get darker. I know the pee sticks are basically irrelevant at this point but I wanted the reassurance, even knowing it can't tell me the future.

I don't know what day I'm on preg-wise but I'm scared to plug in my dates into an online calculator. I'll find out at some point and get back on track but for now, I'm just estimating, hence the 4w-ish title. When I stop thinking that I might be preg, my anxiety simmers down significantly so I try to think about it less. Denial is a beautiful thing.

Symptoms: lower back aches, sore boobs, heart burn, nausea. No complaints. All mild except the lower back ache, which now that I think about it has been there since the beginning. Also I've been feeling cramping/pulling since the beginning as well. At first it was mainly on the right side and I worried about ectopic complications but then it started on the left and now it's kind of central when not bouncing around. The crinone leaking took some time to get used to but I'm not complaining because first progesterone check was at 15.3 and they like seeing it over 7 so yay.



FEB 18: CD 40: 4w-ish

Third blood test came back at 609. Double would have been 446 but since it was three days instead of two, so double plus half would have been 669. While ideally I would have loved to see it higher, the nurse said it was fine to move on to the next step. She says the next step is to come in for an ultrasound. In the old clinic it would be around 6 weeks and be called an OB ultrasound. In the current clinic the first ultrasound is during monitoring hours. I assume all they're looking for is placement to make sure it's not ectopic but I don't know for sure.




FEB 19: CD 41: 4w-ish
I wasn't sure what to do with myself today. I didn't have to go in for blood work. There was no reason to POAS. Do I just live like a pregnant person until further notice?
In other news, boobs were very sore today.

FEB 20: CD 42: 4w-ish
Snow day!  If I were headlining this as a separate post, I'd title it: Feeling Good, Smelling Good. That basically sums up what's happening. In general I feel few symptoms: some nausea, sore boobes, a few pulls - but everything that be explained as something else.

As for smell, I don't know if it's the crinone or whatever hormones are going wacky down there but I'm noticing that I'm showering more often to feel fresh. I'm also changing more often because of crinone leaks. There are pros and cons to this medication so I'm taking the gross with the good. No complaints.




FEB 21: 5w1d
I went in for the ultrasound this morning. They wanted to confirm it's not in the tube and it's not. The doc was able to see and take a picture of the yolk sac almost immediately. The appointment was quick. She expected me to be more excited but I'm still very apprehensive that this is happening. I asked what the next steps are. She said they'll have me come back next week to look for a heartbeat. They'll release me to OB around 8 weeks and will keep monitoring me until then. She gave me an EDD in October.

FEB 23: 5w3d
We had my parents over for shabbat lunch. I debated whether to tell them yet. I want to tell them in person and I wanted to wait until we saw the heartbeat. They're planning to go away for a few weeks so I felt like I would have to choose either in person or waiting for heartbeat. Waiting until they got back is also an option. My decision was made for me when we had unexpected surprise visitors join us as well. I wasn't going to discuss it in front of anyone else so I was kind of relieved the decision was made for me. We'll see what happens at this week's ultrasound.



FEB 24: 5w4d
I'm dizzy again. I had an episode last week when I woke up early to pee then when I got back in bed I was really dizzy. It was early enough that I was able to sleep it off but it was annoying and slightly alarming. This morning we went to the hardware store to buy tiles for our bathroom facelift. I remembered to take it easy and didn't carry any of the heavy boxes. However on the drive home I started feeling woozy. I took my blood pressure and it was normalish at 130/79 p74 even if it is a little higher than normal. The way I'm feeling I thought it would be slightly too low. I read online that the progesterone could cause some dizziness. The labetalol I'm taking also has dizziness marked as a side effect. I'm concerned about passing out or having issues with driving. I'm also feeling pulls behind my bellybutton and wondering what that's about.



FEB 25: 5w5d
This morning I took another pee stick. I'm not sure why. I googled the dizzy symptom and saw that some recommended eating small meals to prevent blood sugar from going too low and so far that seems to be working. I guess since I didn't feel any symptoms I POAS to reassure myself it's still real. We're supposed to go in for an ultrasound this week whenever is convenient during monitoring hours, so we are planning to do that on Friday. It happens to be the time that works but I also want to be deep enough into week 6 that there's a chance we can see/hear more. I'd rather go once and hear/see what we're supposed to rather than come too early and chance the risk of not hearing anything and becoming anxious.


FEB 27: 6w0d
Lightheadedness and fatigue still hanging around. If I stay on top of snacking and preventing my blood sugar from diving I could get ahead of it but it feels like it's right on the cusp of getting there and at any point it can come back. Overall feeling an overall mild physical blah where a lot of things are annoying (nausea, lightheadedness, tiredness) but can be explained away if I didn't know my pee makes two lines on those sticks.
I went out with a friend for lunch and had quesadillas. This was a later-in-life discovery. So delicious.
Unrelated to any of this, the current momo challenge (where hackers embed scary video into cartoons to terrify unsuspecting kids to harm themselves or their families) made me sick to my stomach.


FEB 28: 6w1d
There is supposed to be bad weather tomorrow morning so we moved up the ultrasound by a day. We went in together this morning. There was a crowded room but it was moving rather quickly. Last night I spent time on google trying to understand what to expect this morning. It seemed that it was consensus that even though some people can see the heartbeat at this point, it's actually pretty early and it's normal not to. I didn't know that seeing the heartbeat was different than hearing the heartbeat which happens even later, between 7-8 weeks. We did get to see a fetal pole. That was new for us and encouraging. We were told to come back next week for another scan, Thursday or later, in the hopes of seeing the heartbeat. We both agreed we'd rather wait an additional few days to let it cook.


Mar 4: 6w5d
When I say I spent the majority of the weekend in bed, I'm not even exaggerating. I was tired and nauseated most of it. My appetite is barely there but when I don't eat the nausea comes back. I don't want anything in particular, nothing seems good. No cravings, no aversions, just no interest. I've been keeping up with the water even when I don't feel like it. I try not to force it but I am mindful about taking even small sips as often as I can. During the work day I have a jug of water on my desk which makes it easier to remember but when I'm home it's more of a challenge to keep remembering. My palate is off because of my lack of interest in food so my cooking has gotten blah. I got home Friday at 3 and prepped for Shabbat for an hour then went to lie down. After candle lighting I was back in bed for a nap. We had dinner at 8 and went to sleep afterward. I was feeling nauseous in the morning so I skipped shul and read on the couch. At 11 I was back in bed for another nap and I slept until nearly 2 at which point we had lunch. I was back on the couch for the afternoon and when Shabbat was over I moved to bed and watched TV until I fell asleep around midnight. Sunday was mainly a vegging day. I got up around 9 to eat something - I managed to get down half a bowl of cereal with milk before losing interest and was back in bed. At 11 we ran some errands but really went to procure some food. I was in bed the rest of the day alternating between TV and napping. By 9:30 pm I couldn't keep my eyes open any more.


At 3:45 am I got up to pee and it seemed that my body had finally caught up on sleep because I was wide awake and full of energy. I tossed around for half an hour but there was no way I was falling back asleep so I decided to take advantage of the energy I hadn't felt all weekend and did some chore. I got the dishes done, organized the kitchen, folded some laundry. All this while trying to stay silent so my puttering around wouldn't wake up my husband. When I was done, I sat on the couch with a cup of tea and wasted time online. At 5 I decided I need to try sleeping because I couldn't afford being a zombie all day. I fell asleep close to 6 and when my alarm went off I pushed it off another hour and went back to sleep.


I'm not complaining. I know I would be worried if I didn't have any symptoms. I'm grateful that for now the lightheadedness and dizziness are taking a backseat to these other symptoms bc those scare me.


Mar 7: 7w1d
Just like that we're into week 7. It's been a routine of going through the motions: waking up and remembering medication, taking it with enough water to get rehydrated from sleeping, waiting long enough past the required wait time to eat breakfast but moving as little as possible so as not to disturb the nausea. Eat breakfast, make lunch, get dressed and try to look semi-decent while my face seems puffy and pale but skip makeup because who has patience, get through the work day, get home at 5 and get in bed until the next day. Sometimes getting some dinner first. Start over the next day, usually at 5 am when I wake up to pee.
It's strange to forget about it sometimes. Sometimes something new will happen that throws the routine off. For example yesterday, my coworkers celebrated my birthday early bc a few of them will be traveling and they brought cheesecake (my fav) with chocolate. Sounds delicious, right? The chocolate did not sit well. At all. Chocolate! What does this even mean? When I got home I thought I would break the throwup streak but it held. I was so queasy the rest of the evening.
I had an adventure reordering crinone. FP called at least 3 times because the price kept changing. Firs they forgot to run it through insurance. Then they called because the number was higher than expected because they doubled the qty I requested. Then they called because it went up again. At that point I was fed up from all the price flucutations and started to worry I wouldn't get my shipment in time so I asked for the supervisor. After an extended wait time the supervisor came on the phone and explained that the lastest discrepancy was because somewhere along the line someone accidentally applied the discount coupon twice. The supervisor said they'll honor it and they finally released for delivery.
Speaking of the crinone, I've resigned to wearing liners daily. One day I figured I don't need it and ran to the bathroom multiple times to check because it felt like a catastrophe about to happen.
I've also had sharp cramps come and go. I have also been getting that feeling where you think you might have to go to the bathroom, but it's only in your gut and doesn't move down to pass as a bm or gas. It's just a minor bubbly discomfort that passes after a bit. Stretching? Cramping? Maybe. I don't know. I don't know what's normal.


Mar 11: 7w5d
So a few things over the weekend. My birthday was on Friday. I usually take the day off but I had a meeting that day so I'm taking Monday off instead. Friday was actually really busy and I didn't really keep up with drinking or eating. Toward the afternoon I had so much cramping that I was worried enough to text my doctor. She said to stay hydrated, make sure to stay regular, and that it's normal. At the time I didn't realize I was likely dehydrated but looking back, I now realize that's likely what it is. I cried as I texted the doctor because I had trouble articulating the words of what was the problem but realizing I'm being hypersensitive and it's likely nothing. I was looking for reassurance, knowing there was nothing she could do if things were going south. She was amazing. She said I don't have to wait til Sunday to come in and we left it that I'll come in Sunday unless there's any change. I made sure to keep drinking a lot and by evening the cramping slowed down.

The next day even though I was nauseous I kept drinking and there was no cramping. After Shabbat I checked my phone and saw my doctor had texted in the afternoon checking in to how the cramping is. I texted back that it was much better. We went out with friends that night to celebrate two birthdays. I was feeling so icky and just wanted to be home - the last thing I was in the mood for was loud noises and greasy food. But by the time we got there it was fun hanging out and luckily I felt ok for the evening.

Sunday morning was 7w4d and we went in for our ultrasound. We knew that at this point we should see the heartbeat and tried to mentally prepare for whatever will be coming next. Both our tummies were reacting to the food from the previous evening and we kept having to take bathroom breaks while in the waiting room. We finally got called back and got setup waiting for the doctor. She was able to find what she was looking for right away. To the best of her ability she showed us the anatomy of what will be the head, spine, limbs, and yes, the heartbeat. We couldn't hear it but we could see the flickering. It was incredible. Surreal. Heartbeat was at 150, measured at 7w3d (1 day off).

She answered some more questions. I could feel the ultrasound wand and yet couldn't believe that this was really happening to us. If someone had told me it was a taped ultrasound on the screen and it was all a prank, I would have considered that as plausible. The doctor advised us that the next step is making an OB appointment. We're officially graduated from the RE clinic but they're still there and available until the OB takes over, since sometimes it takes a few weeks to get an appointment with them. We were both a little numb. As we walked to the car we discussed how thrilled but guarded and numb we felt, not really believing it yet.

From there we went home to process (and take a few more bathroom breaks) but then made a trip to see my parents. They weren't expecting us but it's not unusual for us to pop in. When they were both in the same room I announced "We saw a heartbeat today!" I wish we would have thought to record it because chaos ensued. My mother said she thought we were going to announce a pregnancy but was surprised and thrilled that it was even beyond that. Hugs and tears all around. It was a relief not to keep the secret from them anymore. I told them not to tell anyone. The plan is to wait at least another few weeks to tell my siblings and a few weeks after that to tell work.

We went home and I spent the next few hours in bed, so nauseous. Tired, nauseous, grateful. In the late afternoon we were scheduled to go back to my parents for my birthday party. It was really nice and fun to spend time with everyone.

This morning I met with the contractor who will be redoing our bathroom this week to give him a key and finalize a few last details. After that I had the day ahead of me all to myself but I crawled back into bed because I had no energy. I couldn't think of anything I wanted to eat for breakfast and waited too long. By 8:50 I was so nauseous that I couldn't hold it back anymore and threw up for the first time this pregnancy. It was just water but it all came up. Even after there was nothing left, I still had the gagging. I got myself together and made some scrambled eggs and had a sandwich. Nausea subsided. I think I just can't have an empty stomach and water doesn't count.

I called the OB office when they opened and got the first available appointment with my doctor for late March. I will call regularly for cancellations but will be in touch with the RE office if I need to.


Mar 15: 8w2d
It's been a lot of the same. Nausea is the main symptom I'm feeling these days. Getting in bed as soon as I can when I get home. Not really cooking because everything smells. Once we passed the date I was dreading my anxiety lifted a little. We've also been busy with the bathroom update this week. It's been a pain to have to pee on another floor, especially at night, but it's only a week inconvenience and I'm so excited about how it's looking.
I reached out to my endocrinologist asking if it's ok to eat before the time wait is over since I find the nausea most intense in the mornings. She said it's better to take the meds and eat than not eat and possibly throw it up. She also wants me to come in for bloodwork, and schedule a check-in in about five weeks.


Mar 22: 9w2d
A few updates - feels like it's been a really long week. On Monday I called the RE office to find out if I can come in for another ultrasound since it's been a week and it will be another week until my obgyn appointment. Not that there was anything going on, I just wanted to check in. They scheduled me for Tuesday and I went in. It was the shortest I'd ever waited. Somehow I got there and there was no one ahead of me and the waiting room was empty so I was next. The scan was less than five minutes and thankfully uneventful. Heartbeat at 160, saw the "gummy bear" shape. Doc said can see it moving but for all I can tell it was her moving the wand around.

The next day was Taanit Esther and I did not fast. I didn't even try - waiting to eat even a few hours triggers horrible nausea. Feeling overall pretty miserable on the daily. Most days it's difficult to get out of bed because of the fatigue. I need to eat something before being able to move around but I can't figure out what I want to eat. Chocolate completely repulses me, cinnamon too. The other day I gagged on chicken. That's new and different considering it's one of my favorite foods.

During the day on Wednesday I went to get bloodwork done for my endocrinologist to see if my synthroid needs to be adjusted. That night we went to hear megilla and the noise was so intense. Noises and smells are really bothering me these days.

Purim was yesterday. We planned well and didn't overdo it. We paid to join a seuda at a shul. We woke up early to go to a pre-work morning minyan and megilla. Got home and packed my mishlochei manot then went to work for a few hours. I got home around lunch, puttered around for a bit trying to figure out what I want to eat and by the time I was satisfied I was exhausted so went down for a two hour nap. When I woke up it took an additional 30 min to peel myself out of bed and get ready to go to the seuda. I wished I had hired a glam squad to come to my house and do my hair and makeup so I could be presentable in public, but alas I had not so I needed to do them myself. It took twice as long as usual but finally felt ok to leave and we ended up only being 10 min late.

Today I need to figure out Shabbat food. The house is a mess from Purim. We still never fully restocked the bathroom after the reno - there was a closet that got removed to do the floor and never returned so things are still a little in the air. In addition, our dryer is on the fritz. It's a long story but in short we have someone coming on Monday. We're kind of sick of scratchy air-dried towels so I asked my neighbor if I can pop a load in before Shabbat. I hope it all works out and we get to sleep most of the weekend.

Next week I'm scheduled for the first OBGYN appointment. I'm excited and nervous. It's also a milestone because it's the end of the crinone inserts. They said to just stop. Stop the meds and have faith. It's also the end of the single digit weeks. So big week coming up.



Mar 26: 9w6d
First OBGYN appointment today! I was excited the whole morning and only started getting nervous once it was afternoon and I was on the way to the doctor's office. There were four parts to today's appointment: sonogram, nurse, doctor, bloodwork. Luckily they did the sonogram as soon as I got there. I checked in, filled out paperwork, gave a urine sample, and got called back. For the first time I got a belly ultrasound instead of the transvaginal. The picture was very different and a lot more fuzzy but it was there and it was beautiful. Heartbeat was a strong 175. Measured at 10 weeks so right on track. She printed out a few pictures and it was over. She sent me back to the waiting room. On the way back, I saw my doctor in the hallway. She was SO excited to see me. Her reaction was, "Do you have good news for me??" and when I said "Yes I'll see you soon and tell you all about it" she responded with giving me the biggest hug, holding on much longer than I did. 

Forty minutes later the nurse called me back. She went over my medical history, told me what to expect week by week, gave me some forms to look over and bring back next appointment (such as hospital registration), and gave me a gift of samples in a new mini-cooler.  The whole thing took about 10 min and I was sent back to the waiting room. 

An hour later, I got called back by the tech. She took my weight (lower than transfer day, even fully clothed - thank you, nausea) and blood pressure (totally normal!) and had me change and wait for the doc. About ten min later the doc came in. So happy to see me. She gave me another hug. As she started the exam I told her an abridged version of the RPL specialist, chronic endometritis, and adventures of IVF 8 and the latest transfer. When she was done she said to get dressed and meet her in her office. She talked to me about restrictions (none). She said to eat healthy, try not to gain too much weight, and exercise at least 30 min a day. I joked about coming to see her weekly now and she seriously responded with "come as often as you want."  Basically with my history she said if I need to come in just to call the front and schedule. That was really nice to hear. For the most part the nurse had gone over what to expect which week and how often to expect to come in, but the doctor made it clear what was optional and how often I can come in. She mentioned again how happy she is and how I made her day. She took me by linked arm to the next stop,  bloodwork. We chatted about family and other stuff. She shared with the phlebotomist how long I've been her patient and how happy she is. I really love her. Even if I'm not her favorite patient, it sure feels like it. 

Per the doctor I scheduled another appointment for two weeks from now, something about a doppler. All in all I was out nearly three hours after arriving. No tears throughout the appointment, though I came close during the first celebratory hug from the doctor.  I texted my RE with the news as well.

I got home so hungry. I didn't realize I'd be at the doctor's office all day and all I had was barely a bowl of cereal for breakfast, grapes around 10, and a pbj sandwich at lunch. I made baked shnitzel, rice, and a huge salad when I got home. I started on the salad before the rest of the food was ready. Now I have a little heartburn.

Tomorrow is officially double digit weeks. Now that the OB appointment is behind me I feel comfortable telling siblings but I want to do it in person so I have to figure out how to get them all together. After that I can tell close friends. After the next OB appointment will be 12 weeks and I'll probably tell work. Hopefully everything will continue to go well.

Tonight is the last crinone dose. Overall big day.


Mar 29: 10w3d
I'm confused about the date. I thought Wednesdays are when I flip over to a new week, but I just used an online calculator based on transfer date and it says I'm a day ahead, which means I flip on Tuesdays? I don't get it. Now I realize why my OB office kept saying 10 weeks even though I thought I was 9+6. Whatever. I'll follow that format until told otherwise.


I was supposed to meet my sibs for lunch today. One has been traveling and just got back so it was good timing. I got all the schedules lined up for a lunch together and one had to cancel due to work meetings. I was planning to tell them the news - I really wanted to do it in person. I'm not upset it didn't work out. I like having this to myself. I feel like once I start telling people then word will spread and I might forget someone and they'll hear from someone else. Once it's out I can't control the story anymore and that scares me. It's out there. I don't plan to announce on fb.


Apr 5: 11w3d
Earlier this week I got a call from my ob office with results from all the testing they did at that initial appointment. BH everything looked ok. Only thing was that they found some cultures in the urine. Those sharp pangs I freaked out about early on? UTI. So now I'm back on antibiotics. It didn't even occur to me that might be an issue. I thought all the symptoms were connected to the transfer: cramps, sharp pangs, frequent urination, etc. 


Nausea is ever present. I've lose 8 lbs since transfer day. It's not that I'm throwing up, it's that no food interests me. No cravings but lots of aversions. The thought of chocolate or chicken repulse me. I choke down my pills with water. I try to stay hydrated. Being hungry makes the nausea worse but the thought of eating is so unappealing. My stomach has gotten used to minimal food and now when I do eat it hurts. My go to is a fruit or chopped veg with salt and lemon juice. I also try to keep crackers nearby to nibble on so I don't get too hungry. It's hard to differentiate between hunger and nausea.


Fatigue game is strong. Yes, I know it's normal and to be expected. But I also strongly suspect it's because I'm getting up multiple times a night to pee and then have a hard time falling asleep. My normal is to sleep for 8 hours straight without moving so this is unusual. 


Through all this I find it difficult to complain. I'm so grateful to be in this position. I wanted this for so long - the entire experience along with everything it entails. I update my husband regularly on my nausea, but that's more for him to know how I'm doing since he likes to check in. Complaining to him feels justified because it's part of his experience of having a pregnant wife. Sometimes he'll even think of something that doesn't occur to me because I'm in a cloud of misery, like offer tea or crackers, and it helps. I also feel like the symptoms are telling me that things are happening and if they went away it would cause a lot of anxiety.


I think I'm getting ready to start telling people. I wanted to tell my sibs last week but that didn't happen. It's an effort to get them all in the same room at the same time without the kids so I don't know if that will happen. Either I need to text them all together, or tell them individually and some will find out before others. I have my second appointment next week at the OB office and if all goes well, I want to tell work shortly after. I feel like I need to tell people who shouldn't hear it from other people before I announce at work because once that's done there's no way to control who hears it.
Apr 11: 12w2d
It's been a busy week. Between Saturday night and today, I've shared our news with a few people. I told sibs, in person individually. There were tears and so many hugs. I told some friends and my supervisor. Before I tell my coworkers I want to tell two other friends and my boss. I'm still trying to control the message but once work people know I feel like it's beyond my control. At that point I'll probably feel comfortable posting this.


Besides for sharing news, I also had my second OB appointment. I saw a different doctor because they want everyone to have at least one appointment with each doctor in the practice. I definitely don't want to meet someone new in the delivery room. This doctor recommended getting a 24 hour urine study going and doing the 1 hour glucose test. They want baselines for comparison later in the preg. I also visited my endocrinologist this week to confirm thyroid function is still at goal.
Next week we're in full pesach prep mode. I'm phoning it in as much as possible.

Apr 30: 15w0d
I can't believe it's been so long since I last updated! I got logged out of my account and forgot my password, plus it's been crazy busy at work and then Pesach, so I haven't really had down time to write. 

I've been seeing the OB every other week. So far it's been on week 10, 12, 14, and I have another appointment next week at 16 weeks. They're monitoring me carefully even though it's not officially considered high-risk. It's been helpful for the anxiety to be there often. It's been weird to only have to go every other week to the doctor as opposed to daily monitoring I was used to. I'm grateful that other than anxiety there hasn't been much to report until now. 

The urine analysis and glucose test were both fine. They wanted to see my sugar under 140 and it was 100, so hopefully it will continue to be good throughout. I submitted the genetic testing we did on the embryo so I didn't have to do more testing now. My husband has limited days off work so we decided he'll come to the big appointments, I think the next one is the anatomy scan at 20ish weeks.

We got some sticker shock when we looked into the price of daycare. It's like another mortgage. We decided denial is better for now. People have been saying that 12 weeks is when people need to start looking and putting down deposits. It feels weird to me to do that and I'm not comfortable so denial for now it is.

I told siblings  at 11 weeks. I told work at 13 weeks. Lots of hugs, lots of tears. I've tried to tell most people personally before they hear it from others. I'm not showing yet. The nausea has gotten a lot better. I'm definitely eating better now. I'm noticing that it's easier to keep the nausea at bay if I eat often enough. No cravings yet, still avoiding chocolate. 

May 7: 16w0d+

Today I went in for another OB appointment. I got to see my own doctor. It was annoying because they were running behind so my 1:15 appointment become a 1:50 and I ended up taking a 90 min lunch break because of it. It took her a minute to find the heartbeat with the doppler and I held my breath the entire time. It was terrifying. Luckily all was well and on we continue. They took blood for the optional spina bifida test. The doctor offered it and I asked if she recommends it. Her response was "would you do anything different?" and my answer was that I wouldn't, but it's still information worth knowing rather than burying your head in the sand. Insurance covers it and it's a simple blood test on me there's no risk to baby, so why not. So did that and now waiting for results.

There was one discrepancy though: my chart said 16w5d and I'm like, no it's only 16 today. So she looks back in the records and says that even though my RE goes by the trasnfer date, the OB office goes by LMP and so they have me down as 16w5d, which means that just like that I'm nearly 17 weeks along.

May 8: 16w6d

In two weeks I have an evening work event and I needed to get something to wear. I got a dress on amazon for a great price. I wouldn't wear it normally because it could be mistaken for maternity wear, but I have to remember that I'm at a point where that's ok. I'm concerned about pics being posted of me on fb because I don't plan or want it out on social media, but there's not much I can do about it. Luckily (?) I'm still not actually showing; it just looks like I've been hitting the ice cream extra hard. On one hand I'd rather not show and not have to talk to anyone about it and not answer any dumb questions; on the other hand I don't love looking and feeling fat.

Earlier this week I had the opportunity to tell someone I've been meaning to talk to. I had wanted to tell in person but our paths don't cross as often these days so I waited a little longer and I was worried she'd find out otherwise. All I had to say was "I have news" with a smile and she started crying.

At the end of May we have a 20 week ultrasound scheduled. How crazy is that? I'm worried and excited. I told my husband to put it on his calendar - he should be there for that one. It's going so slow and so fast at the same time. I'm scared to start a registry or prepare a room or tour daycares. Mental blocks are real and I'm just not comfortable taking those steps. Maybe I'll grow a pair after the 20w ultrasound.
May 23: 19w0d

Day of event. This is what has been keeping me so busy these past few months. I was on my feet for 17 hours, half of it in heels. I had a great dress with pockets that I found on amazon for $35. It was black and hid nearly everything. By the end of the night I could barely move. I hobbled home, took a shower and went straight to bed.
May 24: 19w1d

Cannot move. My legs are lead. My feet don't have blisters because I had excellent shoes but they are super angry. It was a loose day at work, went in for two hours to wrap some things up then went home for the long weekend.
May 27: 19w4d

By Sunday morning I felt nearly back to myself. I slept almost the entire Shabbos, catching up on rest and letting my body relax. We stayed home most of it, just went out in the late afternoon for a stroll in the nice weather around the neighborhood.


I spent Sunday afternoon at the pool with a friend then came home to shower before going to a bbq. At the bbq we had a little adventure. I was coming down the patio step holding a glass bowl and the brick step was loose. A brick came out of its place and I took a tumble onto the concrete. I dropped the glass bowl instinctively to catch myself with my palms and it shattered all over. I got a lot of scrapes on my hands, elbow, and knees but thankfully not anywhere important. It surprised me and freaked everyone out, which then freaked me out, but I knew everything was fine. Even so, everyone was worried and said I should call the doctor. At that point I was fully sobbing thinking of worst case scenario, even though logically I knew it wasn't a bad fall. I called the doctor and she said to come in; not because she thought it was necessary, but for peace of mind. So we rushed over to the hospital and checked in to L&D. Completely surreal to be on the checking-in part of things. We had about a 40 min wait in a pleasant waiting area before getting called back. The nurse took me to a triage room, had me change into a gown and pee in a cup. The PA came in shortly after and did a sono and checked heartbeat. They went through the details of my history, gave a lot of reassurances, said it was good I called, and said to come back any time. BP was a little high but I was told that's normal for someone who was anxious after a fall and released me. All told it was 2 hours from when I initially called my doctor until we were back home.


So today I was planning to spend another few hours at the pool but skipped it because of the open scrapes that are still healing. They look worse than they are. This morning I was inspecting them on my palm and found that one was smaller but more painful than the others. I poked at it for a bit and ended up pulling out a long glass splinter!! It immediately stopped hurting once that was out. It was incredible. I sent pictures to everyone. I thought it was so cool.
May 28: 19w5d

Tomorrow we're scheduled for the 20w anatomy exam. I'm excited and scared for it. Maybe it will start feeling more real once we have that. So far it still just looks like I gained a little weight. It's not an obvious belly and I don't feel anything yet. It's still my happy little secret when I'm not anxious, but it makes me nervous that baby isn't bigg


I emailed two daycare centers to schedule tours.
May 29: 19w6d
We went in for the appointment this morning. It started with the usual sign-in and giving a sample then waiting for the ultrasound tech. It took about 10 min of waiting before we were called back by a stern woman with an accent. She seemed already in a rush, or maybe flustered. When we got in the room she said she'll turn around and I can undress from the waist down and get on the exam table. She worked on the computer while I did and it didn't even feel weird but I couldn't understand why she had no time to step out for a minute. Whatever. She did an internal exam first to check cervix then switched to over the belly. As she got started she announced she can't give us any information, she's just there to take measurements. Jeez, we didn't even ask anything. She got most of the measurements and gave us some pictures. At some points she asked me to turn to one side or another. She pressed really hard at some points and kept saying she couldn't see this part or that. Even though she said she wouldn't be giving any information she pointed out a few things like arms, legs, kidneys, etc. We asked no questions and didn't even talk. At the end she concluded that she got nearly everything except one or two things so requested we come again in 10 days with instructions not to empty my bladder immediately prior to being seen. She printed a few pictures and sent us back to the waiting room. Baby estimated weight is 11 oz.  We were called back to see the doctor who did another Doppler check and then took us back to her office to chat. She said everything looks ok - there was nothing really to discuss. Boring is great! I don't want to say it was anti-climactic but for such a big deal appointment it was thankfully very uneventful. It would have been nice to hear more assurances about everything that was supposed to be there was there and all is ok. I was feeling anxiety leading up to this appointment and it was a relief to have it behind us. At one point this week I told my husband that it all feels very surreal. As though everyone is in on a giant prank and all the sonogram and Doppler machines are using pre-recorded information. Tomorrow is the first daycare tour.
May 31: 20w1d
Last night I went to an appointment with the physical therapist to try to release some tension in my neck and lower back. She's someone we've known for years and when I told her she was really excited and couldn't understand why I asked her to keep it on the DL. She was like you should be shouting from the rooftops! I'm not sure why I'm trying to keep it quiet. Maybe because I'm still carrying small so it doesn't seem real? Maybe because I don't want it reaching ears that might be hurt by the news? I'm trying not to let superstitions run my life but some things run deep.
June 7: 21w1d
Earlier this week as I lay in bed I noticed it again. A little movement. I had noticed it before but it wasn't obvious to me whether it was something significant or just imagined. If I don't know what it is I can easily mistake it for hunger or indigestion but that night trying to fall asleep everything was calm and quiet, I wasn't hungry or full, and I was sure. Since then I've noticed it more, like a tiny elbow trying to stretch. So gentle, very soft, and specifically distinct. At this point I notice it once or maybe two times a day. It didn't feel real when we got the positive pee stick. It didn't feel real when we got the high betas. It didn't feel real when we saw the bubble in that first sonogram. It didn't feel real when we first heard the heartbeat. It didn't feel real when we saw the profile face in the anatomy ultrasound. Movement makes it feel real.
June 13: 22w0d
On Tuesday I went back for the follow up ultrasound to get the pieces she couldn't get last time. It was a different tech, a lot nicer and personable. She got three out of the four things on her checklist because baby was curled up with chin down so it was harder to get heart views that they wanted. It wasn't that they saw something wrong; it was that they couldn't check off that it was seen as ok so that put a bee in their bonnet and they kept trying. When I got to the doc visit afterward, he said usually they do two ultrasounds in house and if they can't get everything they send out for a more comprehensive exam. I scheduled it at the front desk for the next day. Looking back now, I know why I scheduled it for asap but if I was thinking better I would have scheduled it for next week that way we could see more of baby more often. But whatever. I went yesterday to the hospital for the scan. It's a huge enormous gigantic place. Waze took me all over the campus until I found parking, then I ran around the building looking for the location. Turns out the office is literally near L&D where I went a few weeks ago when I fell. I could have just parked right outside, so annoying. Live and learn. At least I wasn't late.


The tech took me back and I said I'm here bc they couldn't see one piece during the sono at the office. She's like, well we don't really trust them so we do the entire exam here to confirm. I'm thinking to myself that I should have just started out at this place and skipped the two sonograms at the office. She poked and pushed around the probe for about an hour, getting every single picture imaginable. It was a comfortable room, the air conditioning was running, lighting was dim. If there wasn't a person poking my belly I would have gotten a great nap. She was friendly and explained what she was seeing - I had my own screen that I could follow along. Baby estimated weight at 14 oz. Cervix at 3.6 and they like seeing it above the minimum of 2.5 so #winning. Once she was done, she said she was going to get the doctor to look at the images. That took a few more minutes and the doctor came in to do a scan as well, to get better quality views of the pics she wasn't happy with. She was very chatty and had a lot to joke about. I was starting to get antsy, my bladder was uncomfortably full, and I was hungry and anxious to get back to work. I didn't say any of this because obviously baby takes priority but I thought the appointment would take max an hour and we were already bordering on two. She finally got everything she needed except one view of a heart vein. She said why don't you go to the bathroom and we'll try one last time. So I did, and the tech came back, and they finally got the view - and once they got that position the tech was so excited she took an extra 20 images as well "just in case." The doc then had to view them and finally I was dismissed with the amazing all-clear sign. I ate an apple on the hike back to my car and got back to work an hour later than anticipated. I'm thrilled we got the all clear. I'm thrilled I got to watch baby for an hour. I'm thrilled and scared and amazed.
June 21: 23w1d
Only in coming on here to update did I realize I was mistaken about what week I'm up to. I thought yesterday was 22; turns out we're already well into 23. Wow.


This week I was in the kitchen making cookies one morning before work and suddenly got really hot, lightheaded, and dizzy. I went to park it on the couch because I felt like I was going to pass out. It had been a rough few nights sleep-wise. I'd been waking up at 2 am for the bathroom and being unable to fall asleep until like 5-6 am. This was the morning after the second night of that, and I was up early so I decided to make cookies. I hadn't had enough water yet after being dehydrated overnight, plus it was pre-breakfast because I couldn't decide what I wanted to eat -- I figured I would just have some cookies with milk once they were ready. Luckily I didn't pass out. I caught it before it got to that point. After sitting for a bit, drinking water, and having breakfast, I felt much better but still a little woozy so I called the doctor's office to see if it's anything I need to worry about. The nurse said it was normal but "how about you come in" just in case. So I got an appointment for the next morning. By the next morning, after I slept nearly the entire night straight, and had plenty to drink and had been keeping up with continuous snacking, I was feeling totally fine and thought it was a waste of time to go to the doctor. I figured I'd keep the appointment because why not and quashed those feeling-silly feelings all the way down. The appointment was barely 10 min - doc checked with the doppler and said feeling dizzy/woozy is totally normal for second trimester, especially in the summer. Keep hydrated and continue snacking so that blood sugar doesn't dip. He didn't make me feel dumb for coming in and he was really nice overall so I'm glad I went.


I'm still fitting into my regular clothes but they're starting to get tight and uncomfortable. Net gain is 1.5 lbs from transfer day (went down 7 lbs during first trimester).  I'm having a hard time finding good maternity clothes online. Everything looks like a tent. I may have to visit some stores.

July 4: 25w0d
Happy 4th of July! As I write it's midday and pouring rain - buckets and buckets of rain. Stranger Things released a new season and it's playing in the background.

Last week I took a few skirts to the seamstress to alter into maternity wear. I searched online and couldn't find anything to wear. I'm still wearing my regular clothing even though I moved to the more forgiving, roomier offerings of my closet. I don't want to overbuy clothes I'll use only temporarily but I have to wear something and I'm reaching the point of needing to get a few new things that fit.

Last week I got confirmation that we have a pediatrician - hooray! It was more of a process than just a phone call but not as bad as I anticipated. I had a few

Next week I need to do the one hour glucose test again at my 26 week appointment. I'll keep going every two weeks until 32, but after that they want to see me weekly.

I met with a doula on Tuesday. They have classes and postnatal care offered through the hospital. She recommended a few classes like infant care, birthing class, CPR, and breastfeeding. We might do some, maybe all. The idea is to start them at 7 months and finish 4 weeks before due date. Her services for the birth itself are expensive but I don't think that's where I want to skimp. There's also gifting options for postpartum care to help with the weeks after birth. She asked about my birthplan and I said my plan is that everyone goes home. That's my goal. I know I can plan and want things done a certain way but I recognize it's ultimately not in my control. She has a good relationship with the doctors and nurses plus it would be her job to make sure I'm comfortable (massages, getting things, etc.) and be an advocate. I trust my husband but we don't know what we don't know and the whole process is new to us. I'd want him to be with me instead of having to rush to get a nurse or doctor if something like that is needed.

Feeling a lot more movement these days. I asked the doctor what's normal and she said it's too early to feel movement all the time but that 10 times in 12 hours is average. I counted one day and it was about that.

We started the process to refinance the mortgage. It's part of a few step process to get ready for the fall. The new rate we got is nearly a full percent less so the new payment would give us a few hundred dollars a month. Once the refinance closes we're planning to take out a home equity loan to the roof and a few other minor repairs. Since the room only needs to get cleared out and painted, we're not waiting on that one. If none of the other things come to pass at least the room will be ready. I've been off the past few days and used them to clear out and throw away things.

July 9: 25w5d
On Sunday (25w3d) was the first time I was able to feel kicking from the outside. I told my husband but by the time he tried, and the few times after, there wasn't much cooperation from the baby. Every time a hand goes on the outside, even a light touch, the kicking stops. It starts up again after the hand moves away. It feels important to me that my husband feels it. I feel like it's one of those rare opportunities of something temporary and fleeting that he should be able to experience. I also feel that its important for him to know I'm not making it up (Glee season, anyone?). I know he doesn't think anything of the sort. In some way having another person feel it is validating that I'm not imagining it.

I edited a few things on the registry. I was wasting time one evening and happened upon a youtube mommy vlogger who shared her top-five favorite and wasteful newborn items. Much of what she said was interesting and made sense to me so I adjusted a few items. I'm still tweaking the big items like furniture and carseat/strollers because there are so many opinions and it's hard to know what to get. I think anything that hasn't gotten recalled is good but what do I know?

One of my neighbors posted that she's giving away her bassinets. She had twins less than a year go and while normally people don't purge so quickly, they're moving so I guess they're making quick decisions on what to bring with them to the new house. They're in excellent condition and I was tempted to claim one but refrained. I'm not comfortable with it yet. My sister offered to store it in her house but I was still not ok with it. I know the baby won't sleep on the floor - things will work out. First the baby, then everything else.

We signed up for a few classes. Childbirth preparation, breastfeeding, and infant CPR. All offered by the hospital and through the doula program we're going to use. I think I've decided it's important to have that advocate there during the birth. I assume these are classes usually only first time parents take so if we're ever lucky enough to do this again I don't think we'll have to worry about this expense.

It's been really warm out and I've been sweating up a storm. I've been trying to stay on top of drinking. I'm really trying but I know it could be better. I feel bad every time I throw away a plastic water bottle but that's the only way I can remember to drink.


July 12: 26w1d
This morning I went in for my 26 week checkup and glucose test. My regular doctor wasn't there and I saw one of the others. I've had a chance to meet all of them in the practice and while I can rank them from least to most favorite, I'm happy with all of them. For the first time there was measurement of my belly with some measuring tape - that was new. My weight is up 7 lbs from transfer. Blood pressure continues to be good, thankfully.


I drank the gross drink and then did the rest of the signup stuff. I really hope I pass because I don't want to have to repeat it, or worse, get a GD diagnosis. I skipped breakfast this morning in prep for it but I don't know if that helps or not. It did make me nauseous to drink that crap on an empty stomach for someone who doesn't drink soda or fruit juices it was really yucky.


I brought up two questions:


- Is it an issue to sleep on my stomach? Even when I start off on my side, I sometimes end up waking up on my stomach. I sleep so much better that way but I was worried it was hurting someone. The answer is that it's totally fine as long as I'm breathing comfortably. He suggested wedging a pillow to keep from rolling if I want to try to prevent it but medically speaking there's no problem.


- Is fasting an issue? He asked if I mean like intermittent fasting, etc. and I clarified religious fasting, since the fast of Tisha B'Av is coming up in August. It was never my plan to fast which I mentioned as part of my question, but rather curiosity about the medical professional's opinion about it. This year the calendar happens to be that the fast falls out on Saturday, but because of Shabbat it will get delayed to Sunday. The Hebrew term for that is "nidche" which means delayed, and there are more leniencies. Some people ask the rabbi for permission to not fast. I feel that it's more up to me and I base my decisions on the advice of my medical team. Yom Kippur, coming up in October, has much stricter laws and I'll either be much further along or already post birth. I feel like we'll cross that bridge when we get there because there are too many variables to figure out this early.


In any case, his answer was that no food for up to 24 hours is not a big deal. The body can recover and there is no risk to baby. No drink is an issue and not recommended. Some of the Jewish fasts include no food or water, nothing by mouth, for 25 hours. According to the doctor, that's not recommended. Risking dehydration means possible cramping and risking starting contractions.


The next appointment  is scheduled for  two weeks form now at 28w.

July 22: 27w4d
Over the weekend I felt a lot of kicking. So much so that when there were no kicks I started monitoring them and counting. It averaged about 5-6 kicks an hour. Toward the end of the day on Sunday evening I noticed the kicks were getting more spaced out. Overnight and into Monday morning I realized I hadn't felt much and even though I tried not to worry it was sitting on me. When I felt a random kick I would breath a quick sigh of relief and waited for more, but none would follow. I decided to call the doctor just to ask what's normal. My question was phrased like this: "I've been feeling a lot of movement over the weekend and then this morning not so much. I know baby wouldn't be moving all the time but what's a normal gap?" or something like that. Receptionist took my name and info and said to hold the line as she asks the nurse. I thought she'll get me an answer over the phone, like an average of how many hours or maybe even ask me to come in to get seen and checked w doppler. She comes back and says that I should go immediately to L&D. Talk about a surprise. They wanted me on the monitor to check the "decreased fetal movement."

On one hand I knew they were overreacting and I needed to believe that in order to maintain calmness. On the other hand, the doctor's office telling me there might be something wrong was incredibly scary and alarming. As soon as I got off the phone I jumped in the shower. I took a minute to run a razor across my legs too. It was either super rational or incredibly ridiculous. My reasoning was that if I'm going to be in the hospital for the next x amount of time, I want to start out fresh. It was my way of taking some semblance of control. I also chugged a bottle of water knowing as soon as I check in they won't let me eat or drink. From the time I hung up the phone until I was in the car was 6 min. On the way to the car I also grabbed my lunch (luckily already made earlier) because I was hopeful I'd still make it to work.

I got to L&D. There was only one almost-cry on the way. I told myself to not freak out until there was something to freak out about. There were some more tears as I checked in. The front desk lady was very sweet telling me to try to stay calm. Logically I knew that was my best bet. But it was scary and I was afraid. It took about 15 min from when I checked in until getting called back. They asked for a urine sample. I didn't have to change. Nurse came back and took out the machines to check for heart rate. Moment of truth. She found the heartrate almost immediately - strong in the 150s and there was movement picked up on the monitor, even though I couldn't feel it. Instant relief. They took blood pressure which was a little elevated; normal for a freak out. They kept taking it every 10 min and it kept going down. They kept me on the monitor for about 45 min. I spoke to the nurse practitioner who said it's normal not to feel baby consistently just yet. If I want to try to rouse baby I can drink something very cold or even move belly around a bit. They wanted to keep me on the monitor for a while to track movement, make sure heart rate increased after movement, and a bunch of other things. I updated my husband and family and tried to pass the time on my phone but eventually just put it away and stared at the ceiling, listening to the heartbeat. My thoughts during those stretches of time, after the nurse adjusted the monitor bands and left me in the room, was that there was literally no where more important or anywhere as reassuring as being hooked up to that bed listening to the rhythmic beating and concessional swoosh that indicated movement.

I learned a few things from today's visit.

First of all, if I know I'm going to L&D I need to have a top with a pocket for my phone. It was helpful to have a phone to update my husband and for entertainment to pass the time once the scary part was over, but once the nurse finds a heartbeat you're not really supposed to move because then it moves the monitor. I put my phone down on the bed next to me when the medical people were in the room because I wanted to pay attention and also it's rude to be on your phone so I put it away. But then when they left I needed to go fishing for it without moving the band. So... pocket.

Along the same lines, portable charger. I was lucky that my phone was fully charged and it was a relatively short visit. But for future reference, I need to make sure I have enough juice to last throughout whatever ordeal this baby throws at us.

I also realized I need to wear a comfortable tichel. I happened to have a comfortable but warm one on today and I was sweating the whole time.

Finally, I learned that things can change in an instant. We can plan all we want, and I can tell people I'm due in the fall, but this baby will come when it's ready. That might be sooner or later. At any moment something can shift and turn our world completely upside down, for good or otherwise. On the flip side of that, even if everything goes as planned it's still happening really soon. We're basically knocking on the third trimester.

Today's visit brings our tally of "calling in for random things" to four:
- Week 19 I called because I fell. They sent me to L&D for triage.
- Week 23 I called because I felt lightheaded. Normal.
- Week 26 I called because I felt out of breath. Normal.
- Week 27, today, I called because I felt less movement. Sent to L&D to be monitored.


July 31: 28w6d
Yesterday I took the plunge and told people at work. I strategically told a few key people, who were so happy, and they took it upon themselves to tell everyone else. Good enough for me.


Lots of movement and it makes me so happy every time. I've been weepy the past few days. I woke up at 4:30 am and texted my husband how much I love him and how every time I think about how much I start to cry. The other night we were watching a comedy special and I laughed really hard I started tearing up. Once the tears started I was suddenly crying. My husband was mildly alarmed until I assured him that it's not for any reason and that I'm fine but this is just me now. I honestly couldn't figure out why I was crying; I don't think there was a reason.


Last Friday was my 28 week appointment and I saw my regular doctor. I asked her all my questions: dry during sex (normal), what's a normal amount of movement (answer: at least 1x per hour), and how my boobs haven't grown (normal). Thankfully my blood pressure and weight are both still normal. I also got my thyroid checked to make sure my medication there doesn't need to be tweaked and all ok there too. Because I have a history of elevated blood pressure, they want to do weekly NSTs starting at 32 weeks. Each appointment is about 90 min because it includes three components. A score of 8-10 is passing; 6 is meh; 4 is get baby out immediately. I scheduled all of them in advance up until the day before my due date so that I could choose the times and have my pick at the schedule during the high holiday season. I wanted earliest appointments in the hopes of preventing delays due to backup in the schedule.


We're well into the third trimester and nausea has come back. Not as bad as it was in the first tri but definitely more than the past few months of the second trimester. We're trying to enjoy small moments of quiet. There are a lot of changes up ahead and life as we've built it until now will never be the same. It's exciting and scary to think about it. We're getting closer to the home stretch.


I joined a fb group of women all due the same month as me with nearly 3000 members. There are a lot of threads that are not relevant to me, ranging from symptoms I don't currently have or work problems or shower etiquette, but for the most part there are things I can relate to and its nice to have a space to talk to people who are in the same boat literally all going through the same thing at the same time. One example was when we reached mid-second trimester and every started doing the glucose tolerance test - sharing tips and tricks, answering each other's questions, reassuring each other while the more anxious were waiting to hear back from their doctors, etc.


I submitted my paperwork to contract the doula. My minor scare last week kind of solidified in me that this is scary and unknown and while I have full faith in the nurse team and doctors to take care of us medically, it seems kind of necessary to have an advocate and person familiar with the hospital, procedures, and birth itself to keep me and my husband calm and assured throughout the experience.


This Friday I have an appointment with my dermatologist to get rid of a mole inside my bellybutton. I know, how gross. I noticed it in 2008 after a laproscopic procedure to remove an ovarian cyst where they used the belly button for some of the equipment. As it was healing I saw it and hated it immediately but because it's pretty deep in, and tested benign, it was left alone. Since now everything is stretching and it's more accessible, I figured we can take the opportunity to slice it off once and for all!


In home décor news: one room is painted; roof is being replaced Friday; second room will be fixed and painted after that. Thursday evening we are scheduled to close on our refinancing.


Aug 6: 29w5d
We closed on our refinancing on Thursday night, just a bit before shikya when the nine days started. We had to pay a few thousand dollars for fees but in exchange we don't pay our mortgage for two months, and then when we restart it will be a few hundred less per month. Next month we're also making the last payment on one of our cars, so between those two we'll have several hundred to relieve the budget. We still have to find a few more hundred to complete the daycare payment but hopefully that will also somehow work itself out. Family has offered to pay a portion and while that generous offer is greatly appreciated I'd rather not rely on it if I have another option.


Yesterday we had the roof redone. In the evening it rained and it was very peaceful not having to worry about putting out the roof bowls or worrying about leaks. We're in talks with the contractor to fix the room with water damage hopefully next week. If we can figure it out in the budget we'll also throw in the first floor floors and call it a day on renos for a while. As long as it's paid off within 15 months we won't have to pay interest on it, so I'd rather get it done now before there's a bunch more stuff in the house. I asked the roofer to send a project manager because they caused damage to the paint in the ceiling from all the banging. I'm not sure what I expect them to do but it bothered me that no one mentioned it. We would have postponed painting the room had we known it was a possibility.


I've been feeling moody lately. Things easily make me cry but it's not full-on sobbing; more like a misting over. I'm feeling lonely and left out regardless of whether the circumstances justify those feelings. I'm anxious about movement all the time. Either it's too much or not enough. When baby falls asleep I try to reassure myself that it's normal. My husband says I can't just feed the baby sugar all the time just to get a reaction but... girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to stay sane. Also I'm obsessed with cake these days so it's win-win. For the record, yogurt is a fan favorite as well and gets a good reaction.


We're getting closer. I'm still wearing regular clothes but now it looks like there's a belly and not just that I've gained weight. The closer we get the scarier it is. Time seems to be flying, and I want it to sl. We waited so long and I'm so scared we'll get the rug pulled from under us right at the finish line. There are still a lot of steps to get through. One thing at a time. Breathe in, breathe out. We took an infant/child CPR class together. I also went to a breastfeeding class. These were recommended by the doula we hired and offered by the hospital. There's one more class we're scheduled to go to mid-September for birthing etc and includes a tour of the hospital.


I'm playing calendar tetris in trying to figure out my maternity leave, between my allotted sick leave, days the office will be closed anyway, and short term disability.


Aug 8: 30w0d
In "Things They Don't Tell You" news, I feel like I've been blowing my nose for 30 weeks straight. There's constantly something hard and uncomfortable in there that needs to be excavated. perhaps I should have called it TMI news.


Yesterday I went back to the doctor for my regular bi-weekly checkup. BP still ok. Weight shot up by 6 lbs from last time, making the total weight gain since transfer 17 lbs. I have been eating a lot more cake recently. Plus I've been more nauseous lately and I find that eating something helps but I'll have to try to curb the snackies.


Sunday is Tisha B'Av and when I asked the doc about her opinion on fasting she didn't like the question. She thought you get a free pass as a pregnant person. I said not really but that I'm not planning to fast anyway because it's a nidche and plus I'm not risking it. She reiterated before I left no fasting, making sure I understood it was definitely not recommended to fast by choice. It can cause contractions and lead to complications. No thanks.



Aug 18: 31w3d
I think I officially look pregnant. If nothing else, I've had to start wearing maternity to be comfortable. The summer heat makes me so uncomfortable that I'm in a constant state of sweating anytime I'm wearing clothing or outside of the house. It's not a glow; it's a sheet of sweat all the time.

I've gotten used to waking up a few times over the night to pee. Some nights I can fall back asleep. Some nights I'm just up. I don't find that I'm constantly tired, but if I get into bed I can easily take a nap.

Eating-wise, my weight-gain jumped from +11 to +17 from weeks 28 to 30 so I tried to curb the sweets in the past few weeks. My next appointment is on Wednesday (31w6d) so hopefully there won't be as big a jump. I want to keep walking outside but it's just so freaking hot and humid. I feel like if I go outside I need to drink 50 oz of water to replenish the fluids I've lost from sweating.

Things are feeling real. A few girls in the fb group already gave birth to premies. Makes sense that a few people out of several thousands will have complications. Some of the threads are helpful but for the most part it's a lot of complaining and a lot of questions - we're all in the same boat so we don't really know how to answer other people's "is this normal" questions. Every so often I debate whether to leave the group but for the time being I settled on no notifications and only go on there once in a while.

It's common in my community to offer a meal train for new moms to help out with dinner for the first few weeks after birth. I set up the meal train for several friends and family members when they've given birth. I have a long list of thoughts about this concept but in general I see it as a positive. My concern is that my friend groups overlap between all groups ranging between religious, not religious, and not Jewish. I'm trying to figure out a respectful way to write that we keep a strictly kosher home without offending anyone.

Renos are moving along. Roof is done. Room one is painted. Room two is patched up (from water damage) and painted. The only thing left is the floors - for the patched up room and LR/DR/Kitchen. I need to order the floors and they need to install them. I'm really hoping it will be done before labor day. I'm so done with the contractor traffic, with dust, with things being out of place. I want it to be done and to get a cleaning crew to come clean everything.

The custom in our circles is to not prepare anything before the birth. It's partially superstition, partially practicality just in case... I was on board about not getting anything until recently. I know there are very few things baby needs right in the beginning. I can always send family or friends to get things last min after the birth, although that idea bothers me a little because I don't want to have to rely on super time sensitive favors, and beside that the people I would trust to do that I'd want by my side, not out gathering supplies. In other words, I think I've thawed a little on the idea of not getting *anything* at all. I ordered a breast pump because it needs to go through insurance which can take up to ten business days, and they have their own arbitrary schedule on when they'll mail it based on the due date. I finished knitting a blanket, washed it, and put it in a ziplock bag to prevent it from getting dusty. We are planning to get a carseat because they won't release baby from the hospital otherwise. In addition to those I'm thinking of getting one or two outfits, and maybe wipes. The furniture, the tub, the toys, the rest of the clothes, the stroller, etc. can all wait until we're home and settled.

Trying to stay calm is the main thing I'm working on. I recognize I'm lucky. I count kicks often, and feed the baby sugar more often than I'd like to admit to try to get some reassurance. When baby is kicking up a storm, usually what helps calm the kicking is having my husband put his hand over my belly. This week my doctor's office will be starting NSTs on a weekly basis.

We're no closer to coming up with a name than we were years ago when we first started the conversation. There isn't even a "top three" or even "top ten" or even one name that I like that I can't get him to agree on or vice versa. Just completely unknown. I feel like we'll know when we meet baby. I hope so.

We started thinking of hypotheticals regarding birth around the holidays. Because the baby is due right around the holiday season there is a chance that I'll go into labor on a yom tov or shabbat. We can't plan anything until then; it is what it is. Bshaa tova it will happen when it happens. I just hope everyone is healthy and ok. There's also a chance I'll go early and avoid having to go to the hospital over the whole season but who knows.
Aug 20: 31w5d
Yesterday I noticed the line on my belly. Up until recently it just looked like I gained weight. The difference I could tell was that there was a shift (organs?) that had moved up toward the top of my belly ever since month 4 or 5, but with clothing on it just looked like weight gain. As the belly grew my regular belly curve got mixed in with the pregnancy belly curve and now they're one large curve. I've been lucky in the hair and stretch-mark departments in that it hasn't been so bad yet. In any case; I noticed the line yesterday in the mirror. That's real! That's a pregnancy thing! We're in the single digits for weeks and I'm scared and excited for this to end. I've waited so long to be pregnant and I'm so happy to be here. I don't want it to end but I want my baby to be here and for that it has to end. It's a lot of complicated emotions rolled into one. If I think too much about it I start to cry. Happy tears, confused tears, scared tears. It's all there. Retail therapy helps but I have to stop spending money because we need to save it all for the fall.


I had two appointments yesterday. In the morning I went to see a plastic surgeon; more on that in a minute. In the afternoon I went to a follow up with the endocrinologist. BH all ok. They want me to get bloodwork done again 4 weeks before my due date, followed by another appointment about 6 weeks after birth.


Why did I go see a plastic surgeon? Well. In 2008 I discovered a mole in my bellybutton. At the time I went to get it checked out and it was deemed harmless even if it was ugly. It's in a difficult to reach location so my dermatologist and I decided to leave it alone and just monitor it during my annual visits. Fast forward to the start of this pregnancy. I went to a derm checkup and asked about the opportunity to get it removed. If my belly will grow enough and/or my bellybutton pops then why not get rid of it? Sure, derm agreed. She asked me to come back around 30 weeks to give the belly a chance to grow. I made the appointment and went in. She's spacy to begin with, but she was running late that morning and I knew she was traveling later so her mind was already on vaca mode. She hemmed and hawed - "are you really sure you want to get rid of this? it might leave a scar." Lady: not only have I wanted to get rid of this for ten+ years but I've also been waiting for you this morning for nearly an hour. WTH? Her hesitation made me uncomfortable and then because it was during the 9 days that made me uncomfortable enough to agree to see a plastic surgeon instead. This week was the first opening he had. I waited nearly 45 min for this doctor too (side note: why can't they stick to their schedule) and ended up with a five minute consult during which he said that they usually don't do elective procedures on pregnant women after the second trimester. He said the risk of infection or complication is very low but even so why risk it. His recommendation was to wait until after the birth when the skin is looser anyway which may help access the location. So much for taking advantage of the belly sticking out. I ambitiously made an appointment for the first week of November. I may need a designated driver to take me because I may be delirious from sleep deprivation but I want to get rid of this thing.
Aug 27: 32w5d
I'm so tired. I wake up somewhat refreshed and ready to go. Sometimes I even feel energized and ready to tackle the day, almost like myself again. Then later in the day, sometimes it's mid-morning or sometimes it's closer to 3 or 4 in the afternoon, I hit a slump. I feel like I need to lay down then and there. Just zapped of all energy entirely. Right now it's 10 am and I feel like I can barely keep my eyes open. It wasn't even an unusually insomniac kind of night. I don't know what it is. I drink coffee socially but it may have to become a more daily thing.


Last Wednesday was my first long weekly appointment. It included a biophysical, NST, and doc appointment. Weight estimate for baby was 4 lbs 1 oz. I had gained no weight since the last appointment two weeks prior, so yay to that. I take as much responsibility for the no weight gain as I do for the 6 lbs the appointment prior. I don't know that it's really within my control but doing what I can to eat healthy and stay hydrated. I left two hours after walking in. Not that each part of the appointment took long; it was more the waiting in between appointments that took a while. The biophysical was over in 12 min but then I waited almost 40 for the NST because the nurse hadn't come in yet. She had a broken foot and was on crutches so I understand somewhat but still - there should be someone else available to take patients and hook them up to a machine. Luckily my BP was normal and didn't give away how annoyed I was.


I made the mistake of trying to wear a normal stretchy skirt again. Why won't I learn. In the morning it feels comfortable and normal. But after an hour or two it starts to dig in. Plus I think I swell or expand or something during the day which adds to the discomfort. My belly is definitely more firm toward later in the day than it is first thing in the morning.


I'm feeling the bulk of the belly these days. I felt very normal and like myself up until about 30 weeks when the bump showed up. Thankfully it's all mild and manageable. In my due date fb group there are moms-to-be complaining about everything from hemorrhoids to rashes to preeclampsia to contractions. So much so that I had to take a break from reading the group threads because they were giving me anxiety about all the what-ifs that could happen. I'm not naïve to think that it won't; but I need to keep anxiety at a minimum and save it for taking care of things as they come up.


My biggest complaints these days are too much stuff coming out of my nose - painful green rocks being excavated on the reg; and how amazon keeps changing their prices for things. I was planning to buy the carseat and saw the one I liked was at $159. I added it to my cart but got distracted and never checked out. By the time I was back to pay for it the price had jumped to $209. That sucks and is so annoying.


In other annoying news, the floors we ordered last Thursday won't arrive for another few days. They were supposed to be delivered today for installation tomorrow. But the shipment was missing one or two things which won't ship until Thursday. Understandably, the contractor doesn't want to start if he doesn't have all the material. If things won't ship til Thursday, it means they can't be delivered before Tuesday because Labor day is Monday and I don't want all that stuff in my house for the weekend if it's delivered Friday. I was so hoping we could be done by now. It is what it is. It makes me nervous we're still dealing with this.
Aug 30: 33w1d
August is winding down and taking summer with it. The weather has already changed and it's in that perfect in-between time where it's not horribly hot and hasn't turned chilly yet. Back-to-School pics are flooding newsfeeds everywhere and the high holidays are just a few short weeks away. In a couple of days the phrase "I'm due next month" will be relevant.
I'm emotional about the end coming near. I so badly want to hold and have my baby in my arms, safe and sound, but I don't want it to come too soon. During the years of waiting, the imagination led to images of taking care of a child and the what-ifs of what it's like to have a baby. There was less thought about the pregnancy itself even though I knew I wanted that experience as well. I tried not to think too much about it in case it doesn't become a reality. Maybe I didn't want to admit how much I wanted it. Maybe I still don't. Maybe that's why I feel emotional about the end becoming near, since I was so afraid to enjoy it while it was happening that it feels like a blur now.
There are about six between today and my due date. If I don't go early, it could be in that time frame the novelty will have worn off and I'll be so over being pregnant. Somehow I don't think that will be the case but who knows. I am so grateful and feel so blessed to be in this position. Anxiety and worrying aside, horrible heat and sweating aside, extreme fatigue and lack of energy at times aside, I've really tried to enjoy the pregnancy as much as possible.
We didn't mark the summer in any other significant way. We didn't travel because I worried to be too far away from doctors. We didn't spend money on entertainment or extracurricular activities because we spent that on home renos. We didn't bbq because I was too tired to muster up the energy to make it happen, plus it was so hot and gross outside most of the season. But we spent time together, we cleaned out a lot of the garbage from the rooms that needed reno, and we got a lot done on the house.
One thing I do want to do before the summer is officially over, meaning this weekend, is to get a photo of my husband and I with the bump. I have some pics of myself but none together that aren't selfies and don't show anything.


Yesterday was the second long appointment. For the first time since last July my blood pressure was slightly elevated. The first reading was 140/82, second reading on the arm I usually take it on was 136/80. I was more nervous than the doctor who said that unless it's closer to 150/100 they don't really react yet unless there are other indicators. My weight gain is up to 21 lbs. I would say it's 90% on my belly, 5% on my butt, 5% on my chin. The appointment itself went by faster than last week because I showed up at 8 for my 8:15 and the person ahead of me hadn't come yet, so they took me first. It was 20 min on the monitor for the NST, followed immediately by the biophysical which took only 12 min. Yay cooperative baby scoring another 10/10. After that it was another 20 min waiting for doctor and I was out shortly after. Doctor said not to worry about BP so I'm trying not to. Last night I had a headache before bed and was having trouble falling asleep even though I was exhausted


The floor was delivered yesterday. We're waiting to hear back from the contractor when he can install. He suggested Sunday or Monday. I declined, wanting a few days of peace and quiet during the long holiday. We waited this long, we can wait another day or two and enjoy our last days of summer. He's giving us a hard time about nailing down a time and I don't think that's right. My husband has so few days off, it's not fair to make him give up the day he has off. So waiting to hear back. I gave the option of Tues, Wed, or Thurs so hopefully he can make one of those days work and hopefully it's only a one day project so we can put this behind us. Between the floors, roof, and finishing the rooms, we've accrued $18,000 in debt. I wanted to get new couches to go with the new floors but we had to put the break on spending. Also the couch I want is off white and that sounds like a bad idea right now. We have 13 months to pay it off before it starts accruing interest.


I bought a carseat and caddy, plus an outfit to take home baby in. I ordered the breast pump and it came last week. I thought it would take a while with insurance so I started that process early. The registry is pretty much complete and I'll plan to take off the private setting once baby is born. Since we're not buying much before, I added everything I thought I'd need and don't expect it to be bought out completely. There are a few moms in the fb group who are indignant about no one buying things from their registries - either no one is buying them gifts for their showers, or people are bringing things off the registry, or bringing duplicates. While I understand the frustration, I'm also a bit taken aback by some of the entitlement.
Sept 5: 34w0d
The bump is big. I had my third NST/biophysical exam yesterday. Even though they took me back almost immediately I was still there for about 90 min. It just takes time between the three different pieces of the appointment and the wait in between is the bulk of the appointment. Thankfully all good. I lost a lb since last week for a total weight gain of 20 lbs. BP was at 120/70 when she took it.


I've been crying more often these days. On Sat night I cried because of something to do with my husband's family, out of our control. On Tuesday I cried because the floors were a darker color than what I anticipated and I "hated" them and was so upset that we spent so much money on it and we're stuck with a horrible floor. Since the floors were getting done we did takeout for dinner and I cried because it wasn't Chinese food. My husband wasn't sure what to do. He could tell I'm upset but he could also tell it wasn't rational. There was some yelling and I told him that yelling back was just escalating things unnecessarily. It was a bit excessive - I cried for over an hour straight about the floor - but I felt like there was nothing I could do to stop it. I just needed to let the tears flow. I knew it wasn't a rational cry - no one's life was in jeopardy; we weren't getting Hurricane Dorian knocking on our door; there was no tragedy I was mourning... I was hormonal and upset about a floor color. I hadn't been sleeping well either which doesn't help. The next morning I woke up with super puffy eyes and have been tired ever since. The silver lining is that all the crying seems to have fixed the issue I was having with overproduction of hard mucus in my nose - no more green icebergs to excavate! Maybe it was a virus or small cold I had gotten over, but it was rough between weeks 30-33.


I've been waking up after about six hours a night just done sleeping. Even though I'd like to sleep more, my brain is wide awake. I usually leave the room around 4 am to play on the phone and stretch my back so it doesn't wake him up and then get tired again close to 5:50 am and fall asleep for another hour before I need to wake up for the day.


The contractor is coming one last time today to fix a few minor touchups and that's the end of renos for now. Getting the cleaning crew back in for one final cleaning on Monday and then it's full-on nesting mode getting the house back to normal. I kind of like the living room in minimalist mode. I'm going to try to keep it from getting re-cluttered. It's cathartic to completely clean out a room of literally everything and only bring back the things that you want and will use.


I did a little retail therapy yesterday buying a new rug, some throw pillows, and some other household things at a Bed Bath and Beyond relocating. Everything was at least 30% off lowest marked price and I got some good deals, so hopefully that will help with the living room floors color. I think once the room looks put together and the house is back in order I'll feel differently about it. We're already getting used to it, and it's nice to have pretty new floors even if the color is taking some time to get used to.
Sept 12: 35w0d
We're getting close. At yesterday's appointment score was 8/10 and doctor wanted me to repeat NST. Wants to see variation in heart rate for 15 seconds twice within 15 min. Baby got there for about ten seconds each time so he asked if I would be ok repeating it. I knew I had the choice to decline, he wasn't so worried, but I also knew it would sit in the back of my head and I'd worry if we didn't so we repeated the test. I had a peach before they repeated it and thankfully they saw what they needed and my score was back at 10/10. It was a 2.5 hr long appointment all told.


I called someone to help with car seat installation. I'm pretty confident in most things but apparently there needs to be a certified person doing this and I don't want to mess with safety. She's a little intense. After asking about the carseat I got and what kind of car I have, she wasn't pleased with the choice we made. She talked for about five minutes about the different options and made a few recommendations. She said she'll send me a few links, full disclosure she gets commission, and we scheduled an appointment to have it installed. So I have to return the one I have - luckily due to the renos the box was sitting unopened in the room so it's going to be easy to slap on a return label and send it back. But still. Annoying.


This weekend we have our Prep for Childbirth class at the hospital. It's an all day class on Sunday and I'm tired just thinking about it.


I met the new person hired in our dept that will be taking over for me while I'm out. The idea is that she will also continue on in a different capacity once I return. I'm not sure where they're going to add another desk, but that's January's problem.
Sept 20: 36w1d
I've embraced the bump. Nearing the end, I figured it's now or never to enjoy my new figure. I got a few fitted comfortable shirts for work and let it out in all its glory.


At this week's NST baby slept through most of it. I was on twice as long as usual, even ate an apple and drank an entire 16 oz bottle of water but there was very little reaction. They decided to move on to the BPP and see if they could get what they needed from there. Luckily they were able to see movement there and it was good enough. Gained 2 lbs. Total gain 22. Of course, as soon as I got to work an hour later the somersaults and acrobatics started up.


After that the doctor did the strep B test - I was slightly prepared for it but also felt kind of violating of my personal space. He stuck two fingers inside for an "internal" and felt the baby's head. He was professional and there was a nurse present. I've had so many doctors and medical people up there that it wasn't so unusual but the rest of the OB appointments have all been outside or on the belly, that it was awkward to have someone stick their hands in there again.


The other newsworthy piece of info was that my blood pressure was low at 100/60. This was after last week's reading of a lower-than-we'd-like of 128/70. Last week the doctor said to monitor my bp at home and if it falls too low then to skip a dose. This time [diff] doc said to stop taking the medication all together. I was on 100 mg labetalol twice a day and the dosage is so low it doesn't go lower than that. I've been on it since last July when I had massive headaches and high bp - it was at 170s/90s and 150/100s when they started me on the medication. I've been monitoring it at home and it was still kind of low at 118/69 last I checked when medication was 36 hours out of my system. I'll keep checking. They also said to stay hydrated because fluids help keep it regular/higher. It's counter to what I used to believe because I thought fluids help lower it. Dunno. I do need to drink more water - I have the dumbest excuse but it's the reason I've been slacking. The cup I usually use, a 20 oz plastic tumbler with lid and straw, had to be washed because I saw some black stuff in it. I assumed it was mold and didn't want to take a chance. About two months ago I took it home to scrub and put it in the dishwasher. Then I kept forgetting to bring it back to work. I didn't use it at home, it's my work cup. But the result is that I haven't been drinking as much. I'm happy to report the cup is back at work as of today and hopefully that will help increase hydration.


Last weekend we did an all-day childbirth prep class. It was from 9:30 am to 4:30 pm with a 45 min lunch. It was a looooong day. There wasn't anything earth shatteringly new that made it feel worth it to spend the time, but I'm glad we went. If only to walk away knowing we're not missing anything. One thing I did walk away with is the assurance that most first time moms don't go early. I was very concerned about it, and I know it's still a possibility. But overall, the stats are on going later rather than earlier. Plus it was advised to think of your due date as an estimate rather than a hard date. She kept mentioning 40+5 but I don't remember if that was the average or that was a more likely estimate. In any case, my due date was adjusted back 5 days based on my LMP to the 17th, even though the FET due date is the 22nd. So there's a chance I may go later than my due date anyway. As long as everyone is happy and healthy I don't care.


On Sunday we're scheduled to see the person installing our car seat. I ended up returning the original we got and getting a new one instead that was recommended. It turned out a little better because the first choice she recommended was nearly $300 but the second option turned out to be $60 less than what we had paid so we came out ahead overall.


I started thinking about what I want to bring to the hospital. I'm going to try to pack light. If nothing else, I'm going to try to keep most superfluous things in the car and have them nearby but not in the way. I feel like I'm going to want to toss anything that comes near the hospital that can't be washed. Also the less I bring the less we have to carry around from one department to the next. I feel like I'll be fine regardless, but it would be nice to have a few things for my husband so he doesn't need to go back and forth if he doesn't have to.


Random sex dream the other night. Really strange and weird where were still us but swapped. The brain does crazy things. Been up at 4 more often than I'd like to admit. I tried catching up on water when I got home yesterday and that resulted in pee breaks every 2 hours which really messed with my sleep. Luckily the weather is pretty and it's almost the weekend so I'm clunking along without falling asleep at my desk.


I waited until 5 am to get out of bed and start making noise. I had Shabbat cooked by the time my husband was up and about at 7, including a new challah braid I tried out for Rosh Hashanah. If I have any energy left after work maybe I'll make a cake.


I started training the new person starting in our dept. She will take over some of the tasks I do that can't wait until I come back. I feel like I also need to clean out my drawers. Not only so she has space to put her stuff, but also because I've been here for so long that who knows what personal stuff I stuck in there. I also feel the need to have my pics put away for when she's sitting here. The whole idea of someone sitting in *my* space is a little unnerving. I have control issues, that's not a secret.


Sept 25: 36w6d
Doc appointment this morning. Us tech late,  nst first lots of movement. Not enough sleep last night.

Plus 2 lbs, total 24. 130/70

No fasting YK 

Dont have to stay 2 or 4 nights so can leave early but cant stay longer

New midwife 

New login

Didnt have to get dressed. Cervix check start next week. Bloodwork HIV and strep b both negative. 

Make sure to go in to labor on docs shift. 

Left feeling happy and thrilled. BH thankful all going ok. Music,  weather, feeling good etc. Really up. Knew there would be a hormone crash.

Got to work, everyone there chatting. Needed space felt claustrophobic. 

Started to feel tears, coworker took me out for a walk as disintegrated. 

Feeling lack of control,. Personal life changing, prof life changing.

 Personality of new person too much. Sort of clash. Too friendly. Asks a lot of personal questions. I don't want to talk about who my doctor is or if my preg has been easy. When we met for the first time she tried to give me a hug. I politely declined and offered a handshake instead. You didnt earn that hug. I don't know you! I'm a private and cynical personal person to begin with. Personal questions feel like an attack. The more I deflected the more she pushed in an attempt to connect. I can only imagine she felt she was being friendly but I felt suffocated and overwhelmed. 

I could have said I'm not interested in discussing it. Im usually very direct. However, I didn't want it to come off as a snap or rude. Especially since she had already asked coworker earlier if I'm ok w her being there. 

Need to make my expectations clear. Need to have a talk w my supervisor about expectations for when I return. Meeting on Friday. 

Sept 26: 37w0d
Feeling better today. I got a lot off my chest and calmed down a lot. I'm still not sleeping great and my back still hurts more often than not so I kind of snapped at my husband this morning but for the most part emotionally i'm in a better place.


Today I went to a certified person to get the card seat installed. It feels more and less real at the same time. I also have a snap and go carrier for the carseat and was told I don't need a stroller.
Sept 27: 37w1d
Pregnancy insomnia is no joke. This past week I've been getting 4-6 hours each night. Waking up in the middle of the night to pee is my downfall because once I'm up, I'm up for good. Some nights I can fall back asleep for a bit but then my lower back starts to hurt and I'm awake again and super stiff.


Yesterday it caught up with me and by 5 pm I couldn't stop yawning. By 6 pm I was on the couch with my eyes half closed and by 7 pm I found a semi-comfortable position sideways in bed and fell asleep for two hours. I woke up at 9 pm with the biggest backache. Something stuck and was hurting so bad, tears were instantly in my eyes. I was also annoyed and upset at myself for "wasting" the evening and not getting anything done for Rosh Hashanah but those were just the waking up grumpies. My poor husband didn't know what to do to help me feel better. He saw me asleep and figured I finally got comfy so he didn't wake me to adjust and was tiptoeing around the house trying not to make noise. He microwaved my heat pad and put it on my back. I was technically awake but I was still half asleep when this was happening and as soon as I fully woke up I stopped crying and calmed down. The heating pad helped. Walking around helped. Soon enough the tightness loosened and I was able to move freely.


After a bowl of cereal for dinner I fell asleep again at 10 and only woke up once or twice to pee, only waking up fully around 4:30. By 5 I was in the kitchen finishing up cooking for Shabbat and Rosh Hashanah.


Time seems to be flying by. I can't believe my due date is less than three weeks away. I want everyone to be ok. I'm excited and nervous and worried and thrilled.


October 3: 38w0d
Appointment this morning.  Gained 3 lbs. Total gain 27. BP 136/80. NST good. Weight estimated at 7 lb 2 oz. 1 cm dilated. I thought she said 50% effaced but that doesn't sound right bc after she said "nothing much happening" and baby high, cervix closed. Later in the day I was spotting and freaked out. Apparently that's normal after an internal exam. Good to know.

Doc doesn't want me to go past due date. She says usually risk factors are weight and high BP. Neither are an immediate concern right now but she doesn't want them to become issues. That means she wont induce now, which they usually do at 38 weeks for those risk factors, but if baby doesn't come naturally by due date then they will induce. 

This afternoon I started feeling dizzy. I had a hard time lifting my head without feeling dizzy. I was training the new girl in her temp space and it was sooo hot. Like unbearably hot. I had to leave early. 

I basically have 4 more work days before I'm out for leave. Next week we are out for two days for YK. So between tomorrow and the days we're in next week it's 4 more work days. Sukkot starts a week from Sunday.

I'm really enjoying these last few weeks. I love the bump - it's a real bump now. I realize there's a time limit on all my cute comfy maternity clothing so I'm trying to enjoy them. I might hate a saggy deflated belly so I'm enjoying my body now while everything is still tight and round. I feel feminine and fertile. It feels natural. 

There are symptoms: lack of sleeping is a big one, appetite fluctuations, headaches, dizziness is new, feeling heavy, feeling like I cant get comfy, lower back ache, cramping, anxiety over tracking movements. All these are so minor compared to the incredible feeling of being grateful to be in this situation. So lucky and happy and excited. And extremely grateful. 

Rosh Hashanah was so nice. Started Sunday night and we had the family over. We also hosted one lunch meal. The other meals we were home. We don't have that many friends and even if we had been invited out we likely would have opted not to walk. He went to hashkama and was home both days by 10 am. I went to shul for one and a half to two hours each day to hear shofar and some davening. It was really crowded. I requested a special seat so I could get to the bathroom and it worked out well.

I've spent this short week at work closing loops and getting ready to be out. One of the things was getting a bridal shower gift for a coworker. 

October 4: 38w1d
Was up at 4 am again this morning so I spent the time making chicken soup in prep for shabbat and Yom Kippur. We started discussing venues for bris, if it ends up being on a non-Shabbat/YT. The name conversation continues and it doesn't feel like we're any closer to a name, even though we have a definite timeline now of when things will be progressing.


Went for eye exams this morning. Worked out well because I was low on contacts and glad to get a box of trials with my exam. No new prescriptions for either of us. Happy to have gotten that out of the way. I don't know why it felt important to get this done now but it did. We were both in a rush to get back to work so we were going to opt out of dilating our eyes but luckily we had done that last time and doc didn't feel the need to do it again so win.


There's a bridal shower on Sunday for my coworker and I hope to make it. I want baby to come naturally so I don't get induced but I also don't want it to come before I feel ready. I asked the cleaning crew to come on Monday and I'm waiting to hear back.


I prepped for YK as best I can. I'm planning to do shiurm. Doc does not want me to fast so that is the deciding factor. I wouldn't risk the pregnancy or either of our health because that's not what I believe religion is about. Some may say that a consultation with a rabbi is required; I don't necessarily agree. I wouldn't ask a rabbi who would disagree with my doctor so what would be the point?  Still, I'm not comfortable discussing it so when people ask me my plans for YK I try to steer the conversation elsewhere without actually answering. This is what I feel is best for me; while I'm comfortable with the decision, I don't feel the need to justify it to anyone. All my plans could be moot if baby comes sooner. We'll see.


October 7: 38w4d
I didn't sleep well and woke up feeling like a dragon - just breathing fire everywhere. I started the day being cranky and yelling at my husband for various things. To be fair, he was doing annoying wrong things, but still. He didn't deserve to start his day being yelled at.


Yesterday was a full day and I think it affected why I couldn't get comfortable to get to sleep. It started with tashlich and breakfast. Then I went to a noon bridal shower, which meant getting ready starting at 11:15 am. After the shower I went to coffee with a friend and discussed some work dramaz. When I got home my husband had most of the sukka built and was waiting for a friend to stop by to help with the schach. In previous years that was my job. I was happy to give it up this year - it's hard work. The friend brought his kids and they were noisy and annoying but luckily they didn't stay long. During the same time my mother stopped by to drop off a couple of things I asked her to pick up from the grocery store for me. She offered since she was going anyway so I accepted but now I realize I need to go today anyway since I need a few more things. It was late afternoon by the time everyone left and I went to try to rest but I couldn't wind down because I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner at 7:15. I'm glad we had a chance to go out but between the shower food and dinner out, I was sooo full. I didn't realize it at the time because I was mindlessly eating but I was eating regularly and I should have been because there is so little room. By the time I got home I was so uncomfortably full. I couldn't breathe lying down and no matter what position I was in I was uncomfortable. Eventually I moved to the living room to sit in the recliner and I was there for an undetermined amount of time while I digested. I didn't take glasses or phone because I wanted to transition easily to bed once I was tired enough and luckily that's how it worked out, but I don't know how long I was there trying to nod off.


We discovered our main toilet leaks when flushed so now it's a rush to get a plumber out to get it fixed before baby comes. I've tried 3 different plumbers and no one is available or returning my messages.


I have a strong dislike of small talk. Especially with someone I don't want to talk to. Some coworkers have the most boring stupid stories and I don't want to sit through listening to it but social norms dictate that I must. I also strongly dislike that it comes under the premise of "how was your weekend" and when I don't want to talk about mine I just say "great thanks" and when I don't elaborate they start talking about their own. Or I feel forced to take the spotlight off me by asking "how was yours" and then I'm suffering through a horrible 5 minute story about their weekend trip to six flags. Or some other horrible kid activity. I don't care. I'm not interested. Leave me along with your horrible boringness. Being cranky is part of it, being grumpy from lack of sleep is also part of it, hormones probably, but I've always been uninterested in people's chit chat. I know it makes me sound like a bitch but it's my blog and I can vent about what I want.


In other news, there's some work stuff going on and I'm feeling fomo. The supervisor and my coworker have kids who are friends so they spend a lot of off time together making them friendly and gives them more opportunity to chat. It's like Rachel from FRIENDS and the smoking thing - if you don't smoke you're not in on the good conversations. My other coworkers aren't the type to feel like they want in on the know - they're happy to be brought in on the loop when it's relevant to them, and if it doesn't get to that point they don't really care. I care. I like knowing things. I like being included and involved but I don't want to feel like I'm constantly pushing my way in to the inner circle. It's a position you're either invited into or not, you can't force your way in. The more you try to force your way in the more you get pushed out.


I've let out a lot of steam and now I'm just tired and sad. Feeling nostalgic that the pregnancy is about to come to an end, and even though I'm so excited about the next step, it's still scary and unknown. I'm going to miss my round belly. I'm going to miss being together all the time. I'll miss the special treatment. Even though I hated the comments throughout, I'm sure a part of me will miss the compliments. I never felt "over it" with the pregnancy. No matter how bad the back aches or nausea or anxiety or other things felt, I've never wished it over.
October 10: 39w0d
Final countdown!!
Went in for my final NST/BPP this morning. Baby was so active and wiggly. I was up at 4 am so I made cookies (two batches: chocolate chip and peanut butter) and then I had breakfast around 6:30 am (challah with cream cheese and Nutella and coffee) so I think the food had time to settle before my appointment. This is instead of the cheese stick I usually cram in my mouth minutes before I start the NST in past appointments.


No weight gain this week, so total gain is still at +27. Blood pressure good at 130/80. Doctor did internal and said 50% effaced, about 1.5 cm dilated. I asked her to check an itchy spot right under my belly, before the pub bone starts. I read that itchiness is a liver issue and while I wasn't too concerned I figured I'd bring it up. She said just a few bumps, no big deal. I think it might be sweat related.


I got dressed and we discussed induction again in her office. My due date is next Thursday, 10/17. She does not want me going past my due date because of the risk factors: IVF preg, chronic hypertension, elevated BMI. Even though things are going smoothly now, things can change quickly and she advises not to take the risk. That said, she said it's my choice if I wanted to wait another week. My next NST/BPP was scheduled for 10/16 and she was willing to have me come in and decide on an induction date then. It always has to be scheduled w the hospital, about a week out, so it's not like it's an open schedule.


Once they start the induction there's no way to know how long I'll labor or how long it will be until delivery. There's also no way to know how my body will respond to the meds, if at all, which is why it puts me at a higher risk for a c section. All that said, I decided that the mantra I've been saying the whole time still stands: birth plan is for everyone to go home happy, so if it comes to a c sec I won't love it but I'll deal with it then.


Even though I prefer to let my body decide when it's time to start labor, and go into it naturally, I didn't want to take any unnecessary risks.  Especially with the holidays and especially with my history. So I asked her to schedule me for Tuesday night, 10/15. The holiday is over by 7:08 pm so we can start labor that night, hopefully give birth some time Wed or Thurs, and then go home before Shabbat. Next set of holiday is Sunday evening. I'd like to be home for both.


Yom Kippur was yesterday. I didn't fast completely, I had shiurim. I prepared 1.5 oz shot glasses with yogurt+diced apple, pb+cereal, egg salad w diced tomato, cheese, and a few others. The rule is that you can eat one every 9 minutes. The max would have been 60, but I made 40 and only ate 18. I also drank a concoction I made up (1/3 seltzer, 1/3 grape juice, 1/3 smart water) in 1.5 oz increments throughout the day. The limit is 1.5 oz every 7 min for drink but I had them about every 45 minutes. It was totally fine. I probably could have fasted completely but I didn't want to risk dehydration or contractions. I didn't want to risk anything.


I've been using my exercise ball a lot. That's one thing I'm glad we spent money on for the pregnancy - it does wonders to relieve back pain. The full-body pillow, on the other hand, was a waste of money.


I can't believe we're less than a week out. I've gotten so attached to my belly. I'll miss the compliments about how good I look; I'll miss the kicks; I'll miss being together 24/7; I'll miss being about to protect the baby against all the touching and coughing and the outside world. I've been really blessed and I am truly grateful to have gotten to this point.

October 13: 39w3d
We are so close we can basically count the hours at this point. It's Sunday evening at 5:09 pm as I write this, Erev Sukkot. The sukka was built last Sunday, thankfully, and today we put the finishing touches like decor and furniture. We got a cleaning crew on Friday - they did a terrible job and when I complained I got 20% off for next time which will come in handy, but at least they did some of the heavy cleaning and we finished off the rest. I made a wish list of all the things on my mind I wanted to take care of before baby comes, like getting a random piece of tape off the wall and cleaning the ceiling fan. When you're on the couch a lot you notice these things and they've been bugging me. This may be legit nesting, but I'm happy the list got taken care of. I did my nails and washed my sheital. Was up again at 3 am and made even more cookies for the freezer. I sent some soup home with my sister because I needed the freezer space.

Yesterday we had a stressful conversation with a close family relative. I felt like there were things beyond my control and there were a lot of personalities involved. We're trying to get our closest relatives to get the flu shot. On my side there's resistance because they don't believe it can help (not anti-vax, just put a lot in the stats that the flu shot is only as effective as that year's popular strain. Not untrue, but still any risk that can be minimized should be). On his side there's a general vagueness about following up. In addition to that, I was told that one parent will be hunkering down in the hospital "just to be there" even though I specifically requested that no one come before we asked them to. Their reasoning was, "well what if you need someone or what if [your husband] needs a break? that was I can be there to take over". Well... no. Because I don't want anyone in the room. So if my husband needs a break, he'll go take one and then come back when he's ready. Being in the waiting room will put pressure on me to send updates or feel the need to let you in the room when that's not what I want. We kept going back and forth and getting nowhere so I just let it go.

When we spoke again today I was much calmer. I said that if they want to hang out in the waiting room, it will be for them not for me. For me it won't be helpful at all and it's not what I want. If they want to respect my wishes then they should wait for the call/text and come when invited. This time the message stuck and while I know that they were hurt, they understood. I can't prioritize someone else's wants over my needs. I'm grateful so many people are excited and want to be involved - and I'm sure there will be plenty to do after baby gets here - but if they want to be helpful it needs to be on my terms not something forced on me.

The induction is scheduled for Tuesday evening at 8:30 pm. They want to start with a foley bulb and take it from there. From my googling it sounds like it's a good way to start unmedicated. Hopefully my body will respond. Hopefully my water will break naturally. Hopefully the pain won't be unbearable. Hopefully everyone will be ok.

Was it my plan? Not necessarily. I thought I'd make it to 40 weeks. I didn't think they'd want to induce me early. The reasons I was given was because of IVF pregnancy, chronic hypertension, and high BMI. Those are all risk factors that can pose complications. Just because there are no complications now doesn't mean there won't be. The doctor gave me a choice whether to induce this week, or to wait until 41 and induce then if baby still hasn't come. My next appointment would have been Wed 10/16 and we would have scheduled the induction then for the next week. We couldn't induce in the next day or so based on the appointment. So if baby was fine, they'd have let me go another week. But according to my doctor, it's a risk. When it comes to this, I'm risk averse. It's why I  didn't travel more than 10 miles away from my hospital for the past nine months, why I didn't fast on Yom Kippur, and it's why I'm agreeing to an induction that has a higher risk for a c section.  I prefer to labor naturally, with no drugs, and to let my body tell us when it's time to deliver. But I'm not putting baby at risk if I can help it.

I've so much enjoyed being pregnant. I'm really going to miss it. I love my belly. I never felt ugly or gross, even the rounder I got. As of last week, total weight gain was 27 lbs and I carry it really well, if I say so myself. People still compliment me on how good I look and how much energy I have. I've been really lucky and I can't believe how fast it went by. Even as we counted the weeks it felt like it was going so fast. I didn't really believe it was happening until about a month ago... I'm still kind of in denial about what's to happen. On Friday night I cried as I lit the candles. I'm emotional these days.

Friday 10/11 was my last day at work and my team had a small party: cheesecake, dates, popcorn, fruit, lemonade. It was really sweet and just the kind of low-key send off I was ok with. I didn't want to make a big deal and they all know how anxious I am about celebrating before baby gets here. People kept coming over to my desk to give me hugs.

We got the carseat, outfit, backup outfit, and a breast pump. That is literally it and I'm ok with that. The room is empty other than a rug and lamp on the floor, so it echos every time we're in there. I may regret not having anything else once baby gets here and we know we need tons of stuff, but in the meantime it's how I manage my anxiety.

We're still figuring out a method for notifications. We want to let people know personally before we post online. I'm worried we'll miss someone. There are also other things to notify: shalom zachar, brit, possible pidyon? IYH all good things and we'll just have to take it day by day.

To my baby: it's been my absolute pleasure and privilege carrying you. I hope your journey into the world is as pleasant as the pregnancy that grew you from a tiny embryo into an almost 7lb baby. I will miss feeling your kicks and being able to protect you inside, but I'm so excited to meet you. I look forward to watching you grow and will do my best to keep protecting you 24/7. See you on the outside <3