Treading water

I thought I was doing much better. I thought I was starting to get excited for fall: the weather starts to cool off, the leaves start changing, #pumpkinspiceeverything, and just an overall change. We're gearing up for IVF 6, and with it comes a fresh wave of hope. I know there are things still to be done before a transfer, like a hysteroscopy and making sure my thyroid is ok, but there's a path and a clear way forward. I thought I was ok.

But then shit happens and I feel myself being sucked under, fighting to not give in to depression.

• I had my formal review on Tuesday. While I can't complain, I'm disappointed. When I had my mid-year review in January I was told I'd tentatively get an 8% increase and a new title. I walked away with an excellent review but feeling punished because I didn't get what I expected. No new title, "only" 5% raise. I'm grateful for the increase and I know I'm lucky to be employed in a great place, but annoyed because I expected more. I was given the excuse of budget cuts. Please. I know I can start looking for another job, but it's not as easy as it sounds. The mental capacity needed to interview and make a good impression in a new place is just not something I want to focus on right now.
• A young family member went in for a colonoscopy due to bleeding in the bathroom. Waiting for results but they did find inflammation. Scary and worrying. Maybe crohns? 
• Trump is ruining the country. Not only politically, but people are literally dying. He's egging on North Korea into war. Not just any war: nuclear war. He's giving Nazis and white supremacists a strong voice. It's scary. I'm scared and worried. Not just as a Jew, but as an American citizen living in this country. We can't hide in bomb shelters for 3.5 years until his term is over, if he even makes it that long. I'm sick of seeing his face on breaking news alerts every single day.
• I found out a friend is expecting #4. She had her last baby Feb 2016. I haven't even had one yet. It's hard not to compare. Just when I think I'm ok, I hear someone make an announcement and it's like a punch to the gut all over again. It's demoralizing and sucks all the wind out of me, making it feel like I'll be on this merry-go-round from hell forever while everyone else moves on.

What's a gal to do. It is what it is.

I held my tears until I got home from work. I realize I haven't cried in a while - definitely been almost a month. I davened mincha. It was the first time I picked up my siddur since our loss back in May. I just poured out my heart, sobbing. Only He can make a difference. I can't control the things I can't control. Then I went for a 2 mile walk.

The prayer, cry, and walk were an incredible release. As I was wrapping up my walk I stopped at the store to pick up eggs and headed home. I was around the corner from my house when it started pouring. I didn't mind - rain doesn't bother me and it was great to cool off. Someone stopped her car and offered me a ride home. I said I literally live a few houses down but thanked her for stopping. It was such a nice gesture. Maybe the world isn't all complete garbage. Kindness goes a long way - she didn't even do anything, just the offer was enough to cheer me up. I decided I should aim to be more kind.