Total eclipse of my life

Simmering just below the surface is an underlying annoyance. Easily provoked by the slightest inconvenience, I'm on edge and everything is ticking me off.

Annoying things:

- I got into a tiff with my husband about something stupid. I find something to pick at and lash out. Getting caught off guard, he lashes back and it's on. Not being hormonal and moody, he gets over it long before I do and I'm left stewing.

- I applied for two jobs on Thursday and haven't heard back. I felt like the shizzle applying and not hearing back makes me question whether I should have bothered.

- We haven't gotten our mail since Friday. UGGGHH. If it doesn't come today I'll have to call the post office and the thought of dealing with USPS employees is too much.

- Not sure why I'm so anxious for my mail, since last time it came they brought me a bill for $3600 in a "medication billing error" that I'm trying to sort out. I spoke to the contact person, I followed up on Friday, I emailed, I followed up again on Monday, and now I'm waiting for a director to get back to me. I don't have an extra $3600 lying around, and we're so careful about spending, so this feels like a noose around my neck.

- My coworker is grating on my nerves. She likes to think out loud and make sound effects and ask me for feedback on her thoughts.

- The High Holidays are coming up and I don't have a plan for shul yet. Our shul situation is complicated and stressing me out. If going to my in-laws was an option, I'd choose that just to avoid having to deal with this.

- My butt hurts from the latest round of PIO shots. I'm also back on the BC and it's making me nauseous and is partially responsible for my mood swings.

- We need to buy another car and we're procrastinating because it's a big deal and we're overwhelmed with the options. We're also terrible at haggling and don't want to overpay.

- Waiting for results sucks. It's been 6 business days. They said 10-14 business days for ERA results.

- The facebook highlight reels are getting to me. People on adventures, taking advantage of the last summer weeks. Families enjoying each other's company. Beach, fruity drinks, sunglasses, beautiful sunsets, happy tanned faces. I want a family vacation. I want to have my own family to take on vacation. I want to have money to spend on vacation instead of "wasting" it on fertility treatment. It wouldn't feel like a waste if we had anything to show for it, but we don't. Not yet, and holding on to hope feels like a heavier burden every day.

- My new diet is making me hangry.


As I was thinking about all the things that were pissing me off last night, I was in my bathroom when I heard the rain pounding on the pavement outside. I took a moment to step out of my bubble of misery to recognize that I'm being partially ridiculous. I have a house and a roof over my head. We didn't lose electricity in the storm and I have air conditioning. I have food in the fridge and clean clothes. There are people for me to love and people who love me.

I complain that we don't have money to renovate the bathroom, but we can renovate tomorrow if I felt like going into debt for it. I grumble about not being able to afford vacation but we choose to spend that money in ways that are more important to us, like finding out if our FET transfer window is right. I'm intentionally making choices from the options we have available based on the priorities I've set. I can't be upset that it's taking time to reap the rewards.

Sure, things aren't where I want them to be, but that's why you set goals and work toward them. Just because I don't have everything I want doesn't negate all the gifts I've received until now. I'm working on accepting things beyond my control and working through the challenges as they come. I feel justified in my sadness about not being successful in having babies, but I can't let that be the only thing that defines me. While it's overwhelming and always on my mind, it shouldn't eclipse everything else in my life.