IVF 4: Baseline

My baseline appointment was on Tuesday and everything looked good to start, so I begin stims on Friday. My medication order came in and I'm all set to start again. The bloating I had last week is almost entirely gone - I didn't need antibiotics or anything else. I think stopping to eat crap and adding water and exercise may have helped with that. So now I'm feeling nice and unbloated... just in time to start a cycle again.

I'm worried about this cycle. I worry before every cycle, but this one seems different. It's possible that it's worrying me to have a cycle so close to Pesach. I've started menus and lists, and we've figured out our Seder plans. It doesn't mean that prep is done, but rather that I realize how much still needs to be done and recovering from an egg retrieval just days prior is overwhelming to think about.

I'm also worried about last cycle's count. We ended up with one embryo from a whole cycle but we never got it tested so we don't know if it's transferable. I'm worried about the results from this one might not be better. I really want this to work already. I'm ready to move on. I want to make it to the next steps.

When we started 2016, I was sure we'd be welcoming home our baby by December. It was just a given - of course it will work, it's a third cycle! Why haven't I learned yet? It's not a given. Nothing is a given and there's no guarantee any part of it will work. It's not even that the transfers aren't sticking anymore, it's that we haven't gotten anything to transfer yet, regardless of how much money we've sunk into this so far.

It's hard to get sucked into the what if's and the should-haves... it should have worked and I should be expecting by now. In fact, had the first transfer stuck, I'd be coming up on my due date in May. How crazy is that? I realized what a different year I've had than the one I expected when we transferred in the fall.

One thing I did learn, aside from managing my expectations, is that each cycle is unpredictable. I don't know what this cycle will bring. I'm hoping the recovery will be simple and that I'll be able to enjoy Pesach. I'm hoping it will be successful and we'll get several transferable embryos out of it. I'm hoping it will lead to a successful transfer this summer. I hope it's the last cycle for all the right reasons.