Day 343

Our nation is enduring a profoundly challenging time of deep mourning. Most recently, the tragic loss of the six hostages—Ori, Carmel, Eden, Hersh, Almog, and Alex—has sent shockwaves around the world, particularly affecting the Jewish community. For over 11 months, we have been grappling with the heavy burden of war, grieving those lost on and since October 7th, and feeling the strain of rising antisemitism from all directions. The one year mark looms ahead and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. 

In an effort to feel control over something I started a decluttering project. I schedule a monthly donation pickup and commit to at least 4 bags to donate. It forces me to go through the house and fill up at least that many. It's usually more, and some additional bags for the trash. Over time it's making a difference. I'm really good at getting rid of things we don't use (unfortunately I'm equally good at ordering unnecessary things online) but I have a hard time parting with baby clothes. 

I saved most baby items from my oldest to youngest. They were born different seasons, and they're different sizes, so of course most of the baby clothes don't fit. I try to tell myself that if I'm lucky enough to have another baby we can buy more clothes. I also remind myself that it's stupid for the clothes to sit in a bin in my closet when there are actual infants who may benefit from them if the clothes got donated. So I've pruned the bins multiple times to pare it down to my top favorites and saved those. They hold a sentimental value and I can't quite part with them yet. 

In another stab at control, I set myself a weight loss goal and also put together a list of "prizes" to get for myself when I reach it. Logically, I know that with exercise and a calorie deficit I can lose weight. Realistically, it takes time and patience and effort. For a minute I considered buying a treadmill - weighing the pros and cons I realize that aside from the cost, I don't want to deal with assembly or maintenance or finding a spot to house it, not to mention the shame of having to post it on fb marketplace or similar when it doesn't get used. I started blocking off time for walks on my calendar and we'll see if that works.

I pray that the hostages get released or rescued, alive, and reunited with their families soon, and that our soldiers come home safely. I hope better days are up ahead, just around the corner. Shabbat shalom.

Day 329

Today is the 329th day since October 7, 2023. The war in Israel continues, with hostages remaining captive in truly horrific conditions. How is it possible that life goes on as normal while this nightmarish reality unfolds just a few miles from their homes? For the rest of us over here, every happiness, every success, and every milestone in life is overshadowed by the reality that the world has accepted evil and continues to live with it. We continue to pray for the IDF soldiers fighting to keep Israel safe, and the speedy return of the hostages, alive, back to their families. This is a heartbreaking video of family members shouting their loved one's names at the border; it's impossible to watch without crying.

Life keeps moving forward, both as a blessing and a challenge during this difficult time. Thankfully, the kids have started school. The last few weeks of summer after camp ended were rough—there was no structure, and we were just getting through each day until bedtime. They are a joy and a blessing and I'm grateful every day for them.

We're still dealing with our personal home life challenge of getting a special needs adult set up to get into a group home. To say it's been a challenge is an understatement. There's frustration at why this is so hard and taking so long. There's guilt in having my time split away from my kids. There's exhaustion at trying to juggle it all while working full time. As a stress-eater, I've put on over 10 lbs this past year. On top of being emotionally and mentally drained, I'm also not feeling or looking my best physically because of the extra weight. I'm hoping something will give soon so that we can move the process forward and be the first pickle to get everything else on the right path.

Day 315

Today is the 315th day since October 7, 2023. The war in Israel, and the hostages still being held captive, are constantly on my mind. I know many Jews feeling the same way, recognizing that there are varying degrees of this feeling depending on how close one is to the situation. For 315 days we've been praying to get our hostages back. There's currently a significant summit happening in Doha and I'm hoping there is some sort of agreement reached that gets the hostages back and doesn't compromise future safety of Israel. 

It's also day 7 of my cycle. I scheduled a mock embryo transfer for today because the results are good for a year and the last one I had was over three years ago. I don't know if we're warming up to the idea of transferring another one, but because this is cycle-dependent and within my control I decided to just get this done. I was a few minutes away from the clinic when I checked my phone for the suite number - it has been a few years. Only then I noticed that the appointment was scheduled for a completely new location. I was early for my appointment but even with the buffer time and speeding and assuming I'd hit no traffic, I would still arrive 5 minutes after the buffer window. Not to mention that it's a new location so I'm unfamiliar with parking and need to find the place and possibly fill out whatever paperwork wasn't done online. I called the office in a mild panic and they rescheduled me for Monday. It's the only day left this cycle they can do it so I had to shift several things on my calendar to make it work.

I could have also just canceled it. Why am I pushing it? I'm not sure. I recognize that doing this now doesn't mean we've decided we're transferring the last embryo. I want to believe that we'll get there, and soon, but know it's not just up to me. 

I also feel that I need to guard my heart. Transferring means that I'm putting out in the universe that "I want another baby." That is the one and only reason to transfer regardless of any other consideration on the pros/cons list. Admitting it means being vulnerable and hoping for the best but knowing it doesn't always end that way, based on too much experience. Transferring with the knowledge that it would be the end of our TTC journey puts extra pressure. 

Even knowing we're still in the process of considering it, I'm worried about delaying the timeline. For starters, my age. But more alarming is the state of the country and where things stand regarding fertility treatment. This article is just one example. For many reasons, I want to transfer and put this chapter behind us, one way or another. 

Day 283

The October 7, 2023 attack on our nation changed us all, collectively and individually. It started with a brutal massacre by terrorists on innocent civilians on a holy day in Israel, escalated into full blown war that has been going on for 283 days. Since then antisemitism has skyrocketed in America and globally. On the surface, our day to day goes on but in reality life feels unstable and fragile with a sense of urgency constantly bubbling just under the surface.

Almost immediately after the attack, I felt the need to go to Israel and help in any way I could. For the first time in my life, I regretted not serving in the IDF even though that wasn't done by girls back then. As months passed, this feeling grew more intense, pulling me toward helping my people. The intensity only subsided when I signed up for a solidarity mission and bought my ticket to Israel. Though it was just a small contribution, it felt right to help. We visited injured soldiers, sat with grieving families, packed food for those in need, and spent time picking vegetables to help feed the country and assist farmers who lost their workers to the war effort. Visiting the sites of the terror attacks—such as the Nova festival memorial, Sderot, and Tekoma where the burned cars are stored—was indescribable. The sheer horror of that day is unfathomable and it felt necessary to bear witness and help carry the responsibility of sharing the facts about what happened.

I wear the hostage tags in solidarity with those still held captive and their families who are enduring unending suffering not knowing the fate of their loved ones. After nine months they feel like they've gotten tighter and at the same time it feels wrong to take them off when there are still 120 captives in hell. 

My personal life has taken some turns as well. For years, I debated whether to leave my job, enjoying the benefits but feeling stagnant and bored. I occasionally looked for other jobs without real intention of leaving, fearing change and worrying about the loss of my flexible schedule. In September, I found a job posting on LinkedIn and contacted the hiring director, whom I knew. After several intense weeks of interviews and negotiating, I received an official offer letter and accepted. The new job is similar yet different and better than my last one, though I'm still finding my footing. Despite some imposter syndrome and questioning the move due to the different pace than I'm used to, I haven't regretted it.

We're also still managing the situation with the special needs adult in our life. This has become increasingly complicated over time, adding significant stress to our lives and our marriage. We're working on the application to place this person in a group home, but there are so many barriers along the way. In many ways, our life feels stuck because of it.

We revisited the topic of another transfer and agreed that, given our current high levels of stress, it wouldn't be the right move at this time. While I agreed to temporarily table the discussion, I feel a lot of resentment and frustration about it. The only correct reason to transfer is if we're both ready for another baby, and he's not quite on board. I can't even bring up the subject without it striking a nerve and starting an argument. Considering everything we went through to get those embryos, and yes - me specifically - it feels like a punishment not to be able to transfer. I can only hope we somehow get on the same page, and eventually get to a point where we have the peace of mind to close this chapter of our life. 

In addition to everything else, many people we know are moving to Israel - a concept referred to as "making Aliya" - due to disillusionment with America's politics and rising antisemitism, in addition to this growing compelling need to be in Israel. We teach our children to value Israel, so it feels hypocritical not to live there. I love being in Israel and want to support it, but living there is very different than visiting on vacation. There are significant challenges to making Aliya, such as financial hurdles, no separation between church and state, mandatory military service, cultural differences, and, oh yeah, active war. Despite these obstacles, I would consider moving. However, this is another tinderbox of a conversation where we can't even discuss it. He says the pros don't outweigh the cons, and he doesn't want to forever be an immigrant. I understand that on some level. Even so, I want to do right by our children and give them the values and childhood I missed out on. I don't know what the right decision is and feel it's not the right time to push the topic until I solidify how I feel about it. In many ways, until we get that special needs adult settled it's not a relevant conversation anyway. Another reason for resentment.

What I do know is that I feel uneasy. I feel like I'm not doing enough, or fast enough. I'm not seizing enough moments or creating enough memories. Life is short and I don't want to coast. I want to find the right path and put all my energy and resources into going full speed ahead. The question is: what's the target?

5784

The new Jewish year began with Rosh Hashanah two weeks ago. Our lives have not gotten any less hectic but we're learning to manage. Or rather, we're learning our breaking points and trying to manage steering clear of them. 

We're still the primary caretakers of an adult with special needs who moved into our home. I'm working diligently to get this person out of our home and into a space of their own. Due to several factors there are limitations to the options, government programs, and opportunities available for this person. Nevertheless we are motivated to find a right fit as soon as possible. Their presence in our home is not good for our marriage, our family, my sanity, or our kids. So, working on it. 

People say things like, "Wow. You're so incredible for taking this on; so amazing for taking care of this person." No. It's not amazing. It's incredibly shitty that this was dumped on us. The only thing that I did was not drop them off at a homeless shelter when this happened. It's so incredibly unfair and so avoidable that this person ended up homeless and helpless because their parents didn't take care of basic things when they could have during their lifetime. 

It feels trite to sum up the Jewish holidays in a few sentences while there's so much stress going around in the foreground, but they did happen and it was nice enough. The kids are now almost-4 and 16 months old. They had adorable outfits, very much enjoyed the holiday meals, and were in groups at shul, though the older one didn't like the change of scenery from the regular room which they switched up to accommodate the bigger group. I was thinking back to Yom Kippur last year where the baby, at only 4 months old, was so cranky and fussy the whole day and ended up in the ER that night because of RSV. This year was thankfully much better, though fasting while taking care of little kids is no joke. 

The conversation about transferring the last embryo continues. I'm a few months away from turning 40. That in itself is only one reason I feel pressure to move forward. I don't want to keep the embryo on ice forever, and I'm not interested in waiting years before deciding. If it doesn't stick then we're done, and I can move on either way. I will be sad but I don't think I'll be devastated enough to change my mind about doing more IVF cycles. The problem is that getting to the point of a transfer means I need to psych myself up (after convincing my husband that it's a good idea) and then putting ourselves in a situation where it may not succeed. If we transfer we need to be ready for either outcome. He's not ready for another. If the roles were reversed I wouldn't want him to try to convince me. I feel like as long as there's an embryo available we should transfer it; we worked way too hard and sacrificed way too much to not transfer it. I can understand both sides of the argument, and I worry that one of us will end up permanently resentful if we don't get on the same page soon. At least the conversation continues.

Little teapot

Taking on a dependent adult with special needs has turned our entire life upside down. Doctor appointments, program scheduling, ride coordination, finances, construction on our home, setting them up a new life in a new state. All this on top of the regular chaos of the life that we actually signed up for.

I have so much anger about it. So much resentment that this adult person's parents didn't take the time to make the arrangements needed during their lifetimes. I can't take out the resentment on the individual; it's not their fault. It's also not their fault that they can't do things for themselves. I don't want it coming out on my kids or at work so it burns up the bit of energy I have to just keep it from exploding. 

I have the personality and skills to take this on but I'm resentful that I have to and that I was given no choice or say in the matter. I'm frustrated that the responsibility lies on my shoulders and since I don't do things half-assed it will get done correctly at a cost to myself or my family. There is a finite amount of my energy, resources, and time and I'm frustrated I need to spend it on this because someone else dropped the ball. I'm the glue and I'm coming apart.

It feels wrong to complain. It feels like by complaining I'm not grateful for the good parts of what's happening in our life at the same time. It feels like I'm taking for granted the good parts of life that haven't been affected by this. So I'm not sure how to vent. Or to whom.

You know how sometimes people do crazy things to their hair (get bangs) when they're feeling like they need to get some control? I left my hair alone but I got some piercings. I tried therapy but it wasn't helping. 

In the weeds

For years I took pride in not having fallen off the writing wagon, and tried to update with at least one post a month since the start of the blog. I didn't want mine to become one of those blogs that grew weeds and was rarely updated. But.... life happened. More specifically, life with some curveballs. 

My husband's mother passed away unexpectedly in February. In addition to processing his grief at losing his last living parent so suddenly, we were also tasked with some monumental hurdles such as cleaning out his childhood home, dealing with finances, and taking on the responsibility of another adult family member with special needs. 

It's been a very difficult road. We've relied heavily on extended family members to help us bridge the gaps in our ability and capacity. 

There have been some significant internal struggles as well. Knowing our kids will never get to know my husband's parents. How unfair it is that they waited so long for grandchildren and never really got to enjoy them. How unfair it was of his parents not to make any arrangements for their finances or the special needs family member, leaving it all to us to sort out and stress over. How traumatic its been to clean out someone else's 40+ years of accumulations in a house that could have been downsized years ago. Lot of guilt. Guilt at not being present for our kids while we deal with this. Guilt of what-ifs, had we done something different would things have turned out better? There's no way to know. The truth is that no one was in a place to receive feedback even if we had the wherewithal to provide it. Guilt about asking for help when we need it. Guilt for not being better prepared for this unprecedented situation. Not saying any of the guilt is justified; just stating that it's there.

So we move forward. We're trying to make the best of the situation, or at least keeping our head above water until we get some better footing. Trying to deal with several "#1 top" priorities simultaneously. 

I'm trying to make sure our kids don't feel the brunt of the stress. I'm also trying to keep routine as much as possible, and remembering to take the time to enjoy them every day. Between the ear infections, coughs, other doctor appointments, filling out forms for childcare and camp, packing lunches and washing bottles, endless questions, tantrums, and constant laundry, there is so much love these little beings bring into our life. 

The conversation of transferring our last embryo has taken a semi-permanent back seat until things settle a little more. We're not on the same page about it, but there's no point in bringing it up when we're operating at maximum stress levels. So the conversation waits while the lil guy chills on ice for the time being.