What do I want?

A recruiter contacted me on LinkedIn regarding a job opening. It's not a job I would have applied for, but now that it basically fell in my lap I feel like I should consider it. There are a lot of pros to the position and some drawbacks. I know no position is ever going to be perfect, but even with all my complaining about my current job I've grown roots where I am now and I'm finding it very challenging to cut ties. 

In my mind I go back and forth: if an official offer were presented, would I take it or would I not? If I'm not taking it, I need to tell the recruiter now and stop wasting people's time with interviews. 

It started with messages back and forth with the recruiter, followed up with a phone screening, then a zoom meeting with multiple people, then an in person meeting 1:1. Now they want me to meet the next level people and I only have a hazy idea of what the compensation package includes. 

If I'm not sure maybe I should hear more, but is that leading them on. Waiting until I get an offer and then using that as leverage at my current position feels deceitful and could backfire. In fact I would only tell my current employer about it if I was genuinely ready to accept. There's no graceful way to tell your employer that you're looking without them taking it poorly, is there? Even if they give me more money, there's not much they can do about the other things that I'd want to change like boredom and limited growth opportunities. 

Last night I was so tired of discussing it that I just put my phone away and went to sleep at 9 pm. I spoke with several people close to me, including my husband. Throughout the course of the conversations it was clear that I don't know what is my priority: is it about a higher salary? Is it about flexibility? Is it about growth? Is it looking for a new challenge? What do I want? What is the most important thing to me? 

I tried thinking about it in terms of how a man might see this. A man might not hesitate to cut ties with a current employer. A man wouldn't worry about "wasting people's time" with interviews. A man might not even hesitate to take a new job and then keep looking for something even better. But a man doesn't need to think through appointments trying to get pregnant, then pregnancy and maternity leave.

Even though I'm generally decisive and assertive, there are limitations to my job hunt that I know are significant enough to make me think twice. For starters, if I want to stay in the student loan forgiveness program I'm limited to government or non-profit jobs for the next several years. If I'm limited to where I can look, should I just wait until it's forgiven before trying to make a move?

Am I holding myself back, yet again, unnecessarily? Am I not allowing myself to be excited about this opportunity because of fear of change, or should I listen to my gut telling me that this isn't the right move? I don't know.

Thinking through my priorities, I know that my number one priority has been trying to grow our family. That remains my priority. I don't regret the choices I made until now to help that priority along. That said, I don't think I need to give it as much oxygen as I used to. In other words, other employers have dealt with pregnant employees and maternity leave and parents with kids who need to be picked up from school - all that is just life. Everyone wants flexibility. So knowing that ttc is my personal priority, what is my next career move?

Uneasy

Usually after Tisha B'Av I feel a sense of relief and like a weight being lifted along with the mourning restrictions. This year I didn't feel that relief and for a few days after there was a lingering uneasiness. So what's contributing? 

1. Instagram is a big part of it. Vacations everywhere. It seems like everyone in my newsfeed, and life orbit in general, has gotten the memo that the pandemic is over and they are traveling. Beaches, toes in the sand, speed boats, beautiful exotic locations, swimming with dolphins, spa treatments, indoor dining (!), concerts, and more. 

I know that I can hop on a plane and have just as much of a vacation. If we wanted to spend the money and make it work, we can. But I feel like it's still too pandemic-y to do that. Am I the only one who's hearing about the variants and spike in cases? Why does no one else seem to care? Is everyone else vacationing and making memories on account of the rest of us paying for it later with new fall restrictions? 

2. Upcoming FET. I'm anxious. I don't feel physically ready. I would have liked to be where I was last transfer, weight-wise. I'm a few pounds away and maybe if I went on a restrictive diet I'd get there in time, but I'm just not in the mindset. I nearly bought a $2,000 exercise bike that seems to be all the rage these days but I caught myself before going through with it. I don't need another laundry rack. Beside that, I'm worried about getting back on the emotional and mental roller coaster. 

3. Work. Last year they cut everyone's salary due to the pandemic. This year, instead of a raise, I got back what was cut. On one hand I'm so grateful to be employed, and I'm grateful to get back what was cut. On the other hand, it feels like I worked so hard for the raise in the first place and I'm now two years behind in advancing my income. I'm conflicted between being grateful for what I have and being bitter for what was lost. 

I've tried to articulate my frustration about this but people in my life see it as very black and white: if you don't like your job just leave. If you don't leave, stop complaining. I know those are options, but it's not that clear cut. I love parts of my job and there is an aspect of "golden handcuffs" with some of the non-salary perks. There is also a major shift coming in the next year as well as in the five-year forecast. With my student loan forgiveness program also on the line, there is a lot more to consider than just immediate salary concerns. It's complicated. Do I risk the stability of a job around the same time I'm trying to get pregnant again?

So all this is weighing on my mind. 

For over 10 years we were married and didn't have children. As much as we wanted to visit places we never felt that we had the vacation time or money. We were also in various stages of treatment and zika hit right in the middle of all of it. I want to change our scenery (responsibly) but it always feels like there's something holding us back. I don't regret prioritizing fertility treatment. Maybe when we're done this TTC chapter we may have more freedom but a lot more expenses. I'm looking forward to family vacations and traveling to new places. In a few years my PSLF won't be a consideration anymore because hopefully it will be forgiven, but that feels like I'm putting my life on hold for those years. Am I? Should I? Or should I try to squeeze in bits and pieces of what I want to do now? Tomorrow isn't a given and who knows what the world will look like. If I wait for everything to be perfect and do things with minimal risk, I might spend my life waiting. 

Waiting for results

As I suspected, they were supposed to do all three: ERA, EMMA, and ALICE. They only did two of the three because of a paperwork error at the clinic. I prefer not to repeat the test if it's at all avoidable. It's not only the wait of an additional cycle but it's also the discomfort of the procedure in addition to the out of pocket cost. But more than all of that, I don't want to waste an embryo on a transfer where we're not sure about the environment. My doctor apologized profusely and said she would call the lab to see if they still have the samples to be able to run the third test. She is confident, however, that we will have enough information to be able to move forward. The third test was only thrown in as a why-not since we were taking samples anyway. Hopefully I'll know more in the next day or two.

The timeline got kind of messed up due to an unexpected shorter cycle. It seems like the mock cycle for the biopsy shortened my cycle significantly and my period arrived nearly a week earlier than anticipated. If we decide to move forward with a transfer at the next cycle, assuming it's predictable and not another fluke, it puts a potential transfer right in the middle of when we were planning to go on vacation. If we delay to the following cycle, we're looking at all the fall holidays which means lots of complicated logistics.

I don't want to skip our getaway, but I would postpone a vacation before trying to do a cycle during the holidays. If we wait until October then we're missing out on whatever potential benefits the biopsy did to the lining. Not sure that's scientifically backed but it's a theory, and we're trying to replicate whatever was successful last time. 

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I'm on the hunt for a new microwave. Our old one has a piece that wore down, exposing a tiny amount of metal. This happened early on in the pandemic so our solution was to not have a microwave and just stopped using it. I finally called to schedule a repair and was told that it's unsafe and needs to be replaced. It's the kind that lives above the range so it needs to be installed with the exhaust so it's more complicated than just going to the store and picking one up. I don't miss the microwave that much so I'm not very motivated to make this happen. I don't want an unsafe appliance in the house so I'm making an effort to care. No regrets about getting rid of it. Not excited about needing to make decisions about another car.

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My car has a recall on it so I need to schedule a time to take it in. Another adult errand I'm not excited about. We started looking at cars again. Once my husband's company requires everyone to come back from remote work we'll need a second vehicle. I'm glad we got rid of our old second car which took up space, cost a lot to insure, and had its own slew of issues.

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trigger warning: internet child loss

I would describe my social media usage as frequent short bursts. I occasionally take a look at my usage time and it hovers around a daily average of 30 min. So definitely a waste of time but not so much that it's out of control. I was mindlessly scrolling Reels on insta while spacing out when I stumbled on something that really upset me. My feed is normally short dances, kitchen hacks, puppies and babies. In other words - happy reels that make me smile. I skip anything not to my liking . I was on the the third or fourth reel in a row, which started out with a happy family "until tragedy struck" and they show a couple at the cemetery looking over at their son's tombstone. It upset me so much, it nearly ruined my entire day. But I needed more information. How did he die? What happened? Upon some more investigating, their son fell off the bed at 20 months old, hit his head, and was declared brain dead a few days later. They started the instagram account to promote their business named after their son which sells something with loved ones names on it.

I have so many questions. It upset me that this happened - every parent's nightmare. It doesn't take much to make me cry about something I already have anxiety about. But the way they presented it, almost sensationalized it, to be able to promote their business. Everyone grieves in their own way, I understand that and don't care as long as it's not hurting anyone. But why do they have so many pictures of themselves at the cemetery? Who takes a camera there? Smiling with the coffin? wtf. Maybe I didn't get enough info about the situation because I left the account, I closed insta, and put my phone away for a few hours. It was that unsettling. It still makes me cry whenever I think about it. I don't know this kid. I don't know this family. It's the terrifying thought that this happens to people that is so upsetting to me. I wasn't prepared for it and it caught me off guard.

There's nothing to do about it, it's not like I can report the reel. Other than having poor taste they technically didn't do anything wrong. My beef is about how this could even happen and there isn't any human who can answer that question. I wasn't sure I would write about this but it was so upsetting. I needed to get it off my chest and I'm working on being less superstitious. I feel like that's where a lot of my anxiety stems from.

I'm not the kind of person that needs a TW on everything, or at least I thought I didn't. But I recognize that being in a specific mindset can alter how someone receives information. For me, I would have known to scroll past that reel had they put in a TW at the start. It feels like, in part, they did it on purpose for the shock value and that's what I dislike about it the most. 

Biopsy 4x

Friday was CD22. At a designated time a week prior I triggered with Ovidrel and went in for the biopsy on Friday morning. It was purposely scheduled for after monitoring so the waiting room was empty. I saw a lady coming out from the back with an ultrasound picture in her hand. The good kind. The 5-week bubble holding an infinite amount of joy. As she was shoving other things into her purse, waiting in line to make a follow up appointment, it waved around like a flag of hope. I remember that feeling and I was so happy for her. I debated whether or not it's too weird to go congratulate her. I decided that it is and if the situations were reversed I would not want a stranger from the waiting room to mention it. So I sent her some silent good vibes and kept scrolling on my phone.

I got called back. The doctor doing the procedure went through the paperwork and the biopsy was done quickly and efficiently. They had to take three vials-worth so they dug deep but it was only when they were taking the instruments out that the pain got to me and I teared up. Maybe they hit something on the way? I don't know. I originally thought we were doing an ERA but I think it's EMMA, and ALICE.  Same procedure but different tests. The results should be back in about 2-3 weeks. 

I'm not sure we're transferring next cycle - even if the results come back sooner than the estimates and in time for my next CD1, I'm guessing they're going to find something that needs to be treated. Maybe it's a defense mechanism but my gut is telling me to manage my expectations and be patient with the timeline.

5 min

I did it! I spent 5 min today lifting weights. They were 5 lb weights and I did arms for 6 min and 54 seconds. I set a timer to let me know when 5 min were up, but I also set a stopwatch. I knew that once I got into it I'd continue which is what happened. I finished a set and then added some abs (crunches, leg lifts) after the nearly 7 minutes of weights, for a total of a 10 minute non-walk workout. 

I'm equal parts embarrassed and proud. I'm ashamed that it took so long to actually do it, and that I broke a sweat from those few minutes. Definitely not in the same shape as I used to be. 

The goal is to be healthy and strong and I'm proud I finally took a step over the hump of the mental wall that was preventing me from starting. I still don't have a reason, but now that I've started the ball rolling I hope next time won't be as challenging and I can get a streak going. 

ERA CD14

Tuesday I went in for day 12 monitoring. Lining looked good but largest follicle was at 13 mm so they're giving it a few more days to grow. I think they want to see it closer to 18. My arm is getting really bruised from blood draws. Wednesday I got to see my obgyn for my annual appointment. Still love her. Today more monitoring and also an endo appointment for thyroid follow up. Largest follicle at 17 and lining up to over 9. I think I'll have to come back tomorrow. I hope not again on Saturday.

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I had a conversation with my obgyn about long term contraception. According to Jewish law, contraception for men is not allowed; there are no restrictions for use by women. If I don't want to take hormones, I can do an IUD or get my tubes tied at the next c section.  Getting tubes tied is a permanent long term solution with the added benefit of a decrease in the risk of ovarian cancer. I would still be able to use the uterus for pregnancy with frozen embryo transfers (our own, donated, or even carry as a surrogate for someone else). 

I'm not sure how I feel about this permanent option. IUD has its own benefits and challenges, such as being reversible but having heavier period and potential breakthrough bleeding (a halachic nightmare).  My fertile window is closing and likely within the next ten years this will be irrelevant, but for the next several years I don't want to have to take a daily pill. I also don't like the side effects of the hormones - for me it means headaches and elevated blood pressure. It's not something we need to figure out right now, just something I'm thinking about. 

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We're working on making healthier choices and getting our pandemic weight gain under control. I've oscillated up and down with the same 10 lbs. At transfer I don't want to weigh more than I did last transfer. To get there I need to lose 6 lbs. I'd like to lose more, but that's the current, realistic goal. 

Action items we're taking: 

• Actively drinking more water. Daily goal set at 100 oz. I've been getting through about half. I definitely notice less munching when I'm full of water.  
• Fill up on soup and salads. I've been good about taking a big salad for lunch. It takes planning and effort to make sure there are veg in the house, and take time to clean them and cut them, but worth it. My challenge is making sure I eat enough protein and fat along with it so that I'm not starving by the time I get home and snack before dinner.
• Weight Watchers? Considering joining, not sure if it's worth the cost. I think accountability is key so I would appreciate the support. 
• 5 min weights daily. Trying to make this a thing. I meant to start this week and just haven't. I don't know what the mental block is for it - everyone should be able to carve out 5 minutes of their day to lift weights, right? I have them in my bedroom and see them all the time. I just have to start. 

Once the cicadas are done (hopefully soon 🙏) we can restart our daily walks again. I always feel great after a long walk. I only recently noticed that the pain in my foot - self diagnosed as plantar fasciitis - has gone away and was very pleased with this realization. It started right after the birth and lasted about 18 months. 

Natural cycle ERA

This morning I went in for  day 4 monitoring for the ERA+ testing. Thanks to the copious notes I took last time we did this, chronicled on this blog, I know what to expect. Today there were some follicles at 9 mm. When the lead one reaches 20 mm and there's an LH surge detected, biopsy is 6 days later. If no surge, I take ovidrel and come back 7 days later. Last time, it took forever for the lead follicle to reach 20 and they told me to take the ovidrel when it reached 17. We're several years and multiple cycles later, with a lot that happened in between, so we'll see. 

I'm in a different headspace this time. Even logistics are different, since I can't just leave in the morning for a 90 minute monitoring appointment without some scheduling and planning. I'm so grateful to have that as a priority. It makes everything pale in comparison and dulls the urgency of unnecessarily overthinking things.  

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There's a situation at work. I've talked for years about how every time something like this happens, I weigh out the pros and cons of staying vs finding another job. In the past the pros of staying always won. Today there are even more reasons to stay, but I've reached a point where I feel the need to say something. I have a meeting with my supervisor this afternoon to discuss my concerns and I hope it goes well. 

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I've always been an introvert with minimal need for human interaction. I had my people and was fine with it. Over the years some relationships kind of fizzled and haven't been replaced. Pre-pandemic I started feeling the need to put more effort into building new relationships but was dragging my feet on getting it started. Then the world stopped. At this point in the pandemic, I'm craving new experiences and have found myself striking up conversations with complete strangers. I know they feel the same because they enthusiastically respond in kind. I'm willing to put in the effort but not sure how to direct this open energy. Will keep my eyes open to opportunities.