Vaca

I'm off work until July 10. Woohoo! I started it with a mani/pedi.

Shabbat shalom and happy summer!

Appointments, errands, progress

For the first time since May 19, the date of the ultrasound which changed everything, I started really feeling like myself.  I still carry the baggage around but at least I'm starting to see beyond the fog. What attributed to this change? I can't pinpoint an exact moment it happened, but I think it has a lot to do with things going on this week. 

Sunday we did something out of the ordinary for us and went kayaking. It was way out of my comfort zone to plan a bbq and go with a big group and figure out all the details of who's bringing what. I ended having a slight meltdown yelling to my husband about someone on the way, but after that it was such a non-issue and ended up being a lovely day. 

 

I bookended appointments both Tuesday and Wednesday before and after work that it basically became the week of -ists: dermatologist, dentist, therapist, cardiologist.  My friend suggested that maybe I missed having daily doctor's appointments. It does seem like it, right? It's not intentional, honest.

I started Tues morning with an appointment at the dermatologist. They removed a cyst/mole of sorts that I've had for years. It was entirely cosmetic but I haven't wanted to deal with it in the past because stitches would interfere with mikvah, plus the location on my thigh would make it annoying for fertility treatment with docs poking around. I figured now is a good a time as any since those are both currently irrelevant. It was a quick and easy appointment and I got to work early. After work I went to see the infertility therapist. I could write a whole post about that appointment, but I'll summarize it instead. Pros: it was good to talk to someone who knows all the people and terminology. Even though she's not directly related with the clinic, she knows all the doctors and nurses. She's sympathetic and easy to talk to. The office is well organized and convenient. Cons: I didn't really see the point. She's not going to fix anything or change the past. In her assessment she says that I need to give it time. I left feeling ok and scheduled for another appt in a month. I don't immediately see the benefit but I'll see her again on the chance that there may be one. Biggest con is that she doesn't accept insurance.

 

Wednesday was also busy. I started the day getting my permanent crown put in post root canal. Another thing happily crossed off my list. Then I went to a brit/baby naming. This was a friend who got married for the second time and just had her first baby. We were asked to kvatter but turned it down. I stopped accepting for non-family. It's nice to be asked but bittersweet. Anyway, one of the baby's grandparents is a big deal in the community so the place was packed. There were easily 300 people there - it was a big party. Everything was decorated in "baby boy" colors and decor. It was beautiful and I felt overwhelmed but not so much that I had to run out. Or cry. It was encouraging rather than not. I'm not sure I can explain it. After that I went to work and called the dentist because the crown put in earlier needed adjusting. I ran back to the dentist at lunchtime to get it fixed, then grabbed a bagel and headed back to work for a few hours before going to the cardiologist for the stress tests.

 

My office is closed next week and I'm planning out the week so I don't have too much down time to mope. I also have several vacation days I'll lose in Sept if I don't take them so I would really love to take a vacation. My husband has the opposite problem - he's barely got enough vacation days to scrape together a weekend getaway. It's so discouraging to try to plan a trip and keep hitting a brick wall (for time off, expenses, zika-free location) but I've been freshly motivated to try to make it a reality. We're still trying to save a lot of my husband's vacation days for a big trip but right now I'm focusing on getting a breather and a change of scenery, even if it's just a couple of days.

 

Today marks 5 weeks since the d&c. Still waiting for AF to show up. I'm still not sure what to do with the next cycle: IVF 6 or FET 6. Both are good options. Both are intense in different ways. Both have pros and cons. I can also skip a cycle to extend the break and just take more time to think about it, though the idea of delaying indefinitely doesn't sit well either. 

Microblog Mondays: Business

I admire people who have the discipline and motivation to work at home, either for a company or for themselves. Entrepreneurs are visionaries who are able to make their dreams a reality with a lot of hard work, ambition, and getting up when they inevitably get knocked down.

In my current job I can't work from home every day because I need to be in the physical space of the office to get my work done properly. If I did work from home, I already know I wouldn't get dressed most days in addition to getting easily get distracted by things like dishes and laundry. Still, I appreciate the people fighting for equal rights, not only for equal salary but also equal opportunity in the workplace so that one day when I am ready I may have that opportunity myself. The world becomes a better place every time a woman is entrusted with a leadership role.

People cope with loss in lots of different ways, but there's still some taboo on discussing infertility. I think one reason is because people feel they may be treated differently once others know they're struggling. There's no such taboo on talking about business and failed attempts at careers. Maybe one day I'll run a business that pays more money, but for now I see my current business as building a family. It makes me happy to think of our path this way.

Heart doc

Wednesday officially marked 4 weeks since the d&c which puts us right in the start of the "4 to 6 weeks" for the return of my period. While we're waiting we're thinking of next steps.

I went to get checked out by a cardiologist. Mainly for s&gs hoping he'll have nothing to tell me. I was uncomfortable with chest pressure on my left side during the short pregnancy. Both my RE and PCP dismissed it as gas but before we try again I wanted to make sure it's not something more serious. Especially since the symptoms didn't go away entirely even after the pregnancy ended.

He went over my history, did a physical exam, and an EKG. I think it's a good sign that I was able to talk about the miscarriage without falling apart sobbing. I got a little teary but I was able to hold it together - point one for me!  My blood pressure was a little high and my heart rate was a little fast but nothing that made him concerned. He did see a few blips on the EKG but called them normal.

He mentioned there's a chance the symptoms are related to anxiety. He suggested doing a stress test and echocardiogram to rule out anything serious not picked up by the EKG. I told him I usually have a history of high BP readings the first time. I realized I shouldn't have to explain that to every doctor, and if I am then maybe there is something to it. Either way I'm not opposed to these tests so now I'm waiting to hear back from insurance to make sure they're covered.

Still trying to get an appointment with the therapist. We started out with phone tag last week. She left me a voicemail saying she's usually seeing patients all day so better way to reach her is via text or email. I texted on Monday telling her my preferred times. She texted back Wednesday that she will email me office info. I responded to the email this morning and haven't heard back, so I texted this evening and heard back shortly after that she's been seeing patients all day and will get back to me with availability.  At this point I'm considering trying to find someone else who has more time to answer a call and schedule an appointment. Maybe she's so busy because she's really good?  I don't know. Sounds exhausting to start over so I'll see this one through for a first appointment. If my symptoms are anxiety-related then I need to make sure to manage them with a therapist. Hopefully I'll have more answers in the coming weeks.

Hump day

Sometimes I like to people watch, like while waiting at the checkout line in the grocery store. I'll look around and want to know about the people around me. What's going on in her life today? He looks like he could use a vacation. If only they had a blog then I'd be able to know what's on their mind.

 

Conversely, sometimes I'm just not in the mood to participate in the world. When people ask me what's wrong I wish I had a canned answer that wasn't vague or dismissive. I forget that people in my world don't know about my blog and how they can just go there to gauge the temperature of my mood day to day. I feel like if I give out the url I won't be able to be entirely honest or open. I'd be writing for an audience, intentionally censored, and I don't want that. 

 

I originally started this blog because I wanted to connect with other people in similar situations. Over time it evolved into a space where I can organize my thoughts and rehash things as many times as I want without risk of fatiguing my support group. An added bonus is that it keeps me grounded and honest to myself. You can pretend you're ok at work or just go about your routine in life, but what point is there in lying to yourself?  Writing helps me recognize the truth in how I feel about some things. Even when the conclusion is that I don't yet know how I feel. 

Speaking of feelings, I've been finding it difficult to schedule with an infertility/loss therapist. Those that I've reached out to have been dragging their feet in calling me back. School is out, camp hasn't started, and I think everyone in the world is on vacation right now. Today I'm doing ok so I'm once again reconsidering the need for a therapist. Overall I think it's a good idea so I'll give it another try.

One year ago

Last year on June 20 marks the first time our fertility treatment took an encouraging turn: it was our third transfer and the first time we got a positive beta. We were ecstatic yet cautious because beta was only in low sixties. We believed it would work because it was the first that stuck. Unfortunately, it was the first of three miscarriages. The second beta a few days later showed that the numbers had gone down and instead of a pregnancy we spent the summer doing injections for two consecutive ERA biopsies.

In November, we were encouraged again with our fourth transfer when our beta came back in the four hundreds. Wow! We continued to hope as the numbers more than doubled at second beta. Then the rug got pulled from under us when I started spotting and the third beta came back in the 20s. It was discouraging and disheartening. I'm not sure how we went on but somehow we got through it as we processed our feelings through a second chemical pregnancy.

Then we started IVF 5, followed by FET 5. This time it really stuck. We had great numbers. Numbers doubled and got so high we were told to schedule an OB ultrasound. We got past the first ultrasound with no issues at all. We were nearly 8 weeks along and thought this was actually the real thing. And then there was the second ultrasound. The day started with excitement and ended in utter devastation. The following week included a D&C to remove the "product of conception" and four weeks after that brings us to present day.

One year.  It's been a rough year. A really, really tough year.

Each try brings us a little bit further along only to end in disappointment. It's really hard to keep going through the bogus successes. Each time we get good news I worry about when the disaster will strike. It's dreadful.

Pregnancy loss is truly horrible. Part of it is wanting something so badly, and admitting that you want it by pursuing it with all your heart, body, soul, and bank account, and then failing. Part of it is not only the failure of what is (treatment) but also the failure of what could have been (child). Part of it is feeling older every time there's a failure and feeling the biological clock ticking, no matter what age you're at. Part of it is the mental anguish of putting faith and hope in a system that has really sucky odds, with more losses than wins.

I'm learning that it takes more than just moving on logically and physically to be able to try again. I learned that I need to be able to visualize us being successful in order to be able to start up everything again. Each step individually is no big deal: coordinating the meds; figuring out insurance and payments; starting injections; going in daily for monitoring; the daily wait for results; egg retrieval anxiety and recovery; embryo progress reports; genetic test results. The big deal is all of it together all at once in the time span of only a few weeks while being hormonal and emotionally invested. It's more than wanting to build a family; it's also wanting to not feel stuck in an awful chapter of your life playing in repeat.

I  was always led to believe that I am capable of achieving anything I put my mind to, but that doesn't account for being unable to solve problems beyond our control. I'm not ready to stop trying but I'm also not ready to start again. Beside for worrying about when my period comes so we can try again, I worry that my body will be ready before my mind. I'm not going to rush it though. I know going in that there's a very real chance the next try may also not succeed and I need to be ok enough to handle that.

I used to completely believe that if we try enough times we will be successful. But with every loss I grow more cynical. I fear that one day I won't be able to believe that anymore. I stress about being able to continue affording treatment. I dread what this is doing to my body long term. I panic when I think about everything we've gone through and second guess every decision that led to this point. I'm scared that we may one day have to face a reality that it's just not working. It's what keeps me up at night. It's what makes me panic. It's what keeps me from believing that there's a path to building our family because today I just can't see it.

Bedroom decor

I came across #MicroblogMondays on other blogs and even though it doesn't look like everyone follows the inaugural post rules entirely, I decided to join in and see what the buzz is about -- after all, it seems to be around since 2014.  It's never been an issue for me to find the time or something to write about, but every so often I feel the need to take a break from rehashing the same cycle of thoughts over and over.  So for me, I will try to keep Monday's posts about anything but fertility treatment.

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I've mentioned before that I want to make some changes to our bedroom decor. I started the process last year but put it on pause because we were considering some major renovations, like knocking down walls and adding a master bathroom. For now, we've decided to pause any additional construction because we don't want to take out any additional loans so I'm free to finally upgrade our furniture which is long overdue.

My taste has only slightly changed since last year and I'm happy to report I'm still considering gray wood furniture. I already have it in my cart online, but I've been following this furniture store for months now, browsing their selection and comparing prices, and I know that they have sales right around holidays. I just missed the Memorial Day sale so I'm waiting for the July 4th sale to finally pull the trigger.