ERA progress

The weekend was nice; rainy and low key. There was a major storm on Saturday afternoon/eve that caused major flooding in nearby areas. It didn't affect us directly other than some flickering lights, but the pictures coming out of the affected neighborhoods are insane.

Fifth shot of DE was on Sat night and tomorrow is the appointment for lining check. I have to remember to drink a lot tonight and tomorrow morning before the appointment in an attempt to help with the bloodwork.

Today I was with my closest group of friends and the conversation steered toward baby names. One was saying something to the effect of, "I was thinking of this name... but you can't steal it!" to which the others responded with, "First come, first serve!" In other words, if you want dibs on a name you gotta have the baby and name it. I joined in the conversation and joked along with everyone, but somewhere inside I was really sad. Specifically because this is a conversation my husband and I have often - we like discussing names and in nearly 10 years of being together we've never agreed on a name we love. Still, it feels like a "safe" topic that allows us to talk about the future without triggering too much emotion.

Everyone in today's group knows about our struggle but for some reason it didn't occur to anyone that this might be a sensitive issue for me. I wouldn't have known either until it was. I can't expect them never to talk about these things and it's not like any of the names my husband and I discussed came up, but still. When one person with a 6-month-old joked that she better get started on her next baby to reserve her name of choice it reminded me that we're still no where near a transfer date.

I'm tired. I'm tried of waiting. I'm tired of wanting. I'm tired of disappointment. I'm tired of the same newsreel over and over again. I'm ready for a change of story and a happy plot twist.

Shmirat halashon

Someone asked if I want to join a shmirat halashon group that was started on Friday. A woman started the learning in the zechut for a refuah for her husband who was diagnosed with cancer.

I shrugged and said, "Sure, why not?" and became one of 5700 women who joined in less than a week. Whatsapp has a limit of 250 people per group so they had started multiple groups and by the time I joined they were up to more than 20 groups!

I may have exaggerated the pie chart a little.

I know that learning two halachot a day may not eliminate all the LH from daily life but even if this makes a dent it's already a win. It's a true challenge for me because I love juicy gossip. Not so much sharing it, but more knowing insider info on people and happenings.

In the zechut of this learning may this woman's husband have a complete recovery and may we merit to have healthy babies.

Fourth DE shot down. One more before a lining check.

Weekend

We had a nice weekend but it was hot. H. O. T.  We walked to lunch on shabbat in 98 degree weather. It was a 2 mile walk from shul and we were walking with other guests with strollers so the walk was even slower. Once we got there it took a while for everyone to get situated, hydrated, changed, etc. The walk home was also warm but not as bad. We got home close to 7:00 PM and then Sunday was a fast so the weekend was kind of a goner. 

Sunday's fast wasn't so bad. The worst part was having to take the del estrogen shot on an empty stomach. It wasn't so much the medication, but rather feeling the needle in my muscle and getting nauseous from it.  Luckily the fast was over soon after and eating helped. 

We're down 3 DE shots. After 5 shots there's a lining check to determine whether I can start the second shot, PIO.  So far we're moving along. In the back of my mind I have to continue reminding myself that this isn't "a waste of a cycle" even though we're doing everything exactly the same as a transfer. Except that on the day we would normally transfer, we're just doing a biopsy and nothing else.

It's been so hot I haven't been able to work out outdoors. I'm not just being spoiled - it was 100 degrees outside and the "feel like" temp was close to 110 degrees.  I'm hoping to try a few CrossFit videos online this week. 

I'm excited for the Olympics to start! Four years ago we got a second TV literally because I insisted on watching the Olympics and my husband was so bored. Best shalom bayit purchase ever.  Also keeping me happy these days is Jerry Seinfeld youtube clips. Love him - he's hilarious!

2016 so far

Remember how everyone started out 2016 so hopeful and full of enthusiasm? THIS was going to be our year. This time it would be different! It wasn't just an ordinary January - it was January 2016. Nice, even number. The sweet sixteen of the decade. There was optimism and ambition and anticipation... so sure were we that the thing we want most is just around the corner. We could almost taste victory as we waited anxiously for the big things to happen to us.

Yet here we are, with over half the year gone, and it hasn't quite turned out the way we expected. It seems like I'm not the only one who feels this way about 2016.

I think there's a limit to what we can expect to happen TO us and what we actually go for. I recently finished Survivor season 29 and I was so impressed by the winner. Spoiler alert - I'm about to mention her name. I watched Natalie and her twin sister Nadiya on the Amazing Race a few years ago and I found them to be so annoying. They were shrill and aggressive and way too outwardly competitive to be fun to watch. But as a die hard survivor fan I watched the season anyway. When Nadiya got voted off first from her tribe, it was mainly because her tribe mates had similar prejudices against her based on her Amazing Race performance. Rightly or not, that reputation followed her to Survivor. Her sister Natalie was on the winning tribe and had time to form alliances which allowed her to secure a place for the long haul. Natalie also won me over. She was soft spoken (hunger and fatigue??) and very strategic. She wasn't greedy and gave up her reward and personal comfort on multiple occasions to further her game. She still kept some rewards and she worked hard for the immunity challenges she won. There were several times that her closest ally got voted off and she had to scramble to solidify new relationships. She didn't lose her mind or go off on people; she used the time she had to find immunity idols and make bold strategic moves.

A lot of people I know are working on their post-baby body, trying to get back in shape after having kids. Here I am still working on my pre-baby body to get ready to have healthy pregnancies. I could be doing more. I should be doing more. I'm not sure what's holding me back.

I very much have an "all or nothing" mentality that I've been working on modifying. I've started shifting that mentality because I realize life is not about all or nothing. If I only have 20 min to work out instead of 90 min, it's better than not working out at all. I should be able to have a cookie without having 3 more following it. I used to not try at all because I wasn't sure I'd be successful. I recently saw the interview of Sara Blakely who has a different view of failure, one which made her incredibly rich as the founder of Spanx.

I know that I can succeed at anything I put my mind to. I have enough self confidence, common sense, and skills to know that for sure. The question is what do I want to accomplish. For now, I'd like to set a realistic, achievable goal of losing 20 lbs (up from my 10lbs plan because, hey, let's dream big). I have a specific number in mind that I want to weigh when I go in for the FET #4 baseline. Even though I'm not sharing it here, I have it written down on a sticky note on my desk.

I know that these are the steps I need to accomplish that:

1) Work out at least 60 min 3x week
2) Limit calorie intake
3) Stay accountable on a daily basis using myfitnesspal.com

As for timeline, I'll say October 1 which gives me 10 weeks and sounds realistic for healthy weight loss. It's a start. It's a goal. It's a project.

Not only will this give me a target to focus on, but it will also help me feel like I'm doing something productive to get my body ready for the next FET. I hope that this coupled with whatever results we get back from the ERA will allow us to finally have a successful transfer and healthy pregnancy.

I'm pumped for this challenge. I feel that I can accomplish this goal and I'm the only one standing in my way. 2016 is not over yet! There's still time to MAKE it the best year yet. Let's do it!!!

Superfluous fluff: what holds you back?

Last night my husband asked if I ever feel like Judaism holds me back and it sparked an interesting conversation. The question was rather does the fact that we choose to be orthodox and follow halacha make me feel constrained in any way? To answer the question, not really except in one aspect. More on that soon.

For some background, he was learning about the mitzvah of p'ru urvu, literally translated as be fruitful and multiply, referring to the commandment to have children. In order to fulfill this mitzvah, one must have at least one boy and one girl. Anything else doesn't fulfill the mitzvah regardless of how many children or grandchildren one has.

Logically, if one has a genetic mutation that may cause a child to have a fatal disease, one would think that they are exempt from this mitzvah, right? He couldn't find any rav that says that in source. No one will come out and say you're exempt. You have to make the decision whether you want that mitzvah point regardless of how disabled or how slim the chances for survival are for said child.

In our case, we know we have a 50% chance at having a severely disabled child. While we are both normal, healthy adults, our child could come out with significant, possibly fatal defects. There is a spectrum and the disability could be very minor or very awful which would result in the necessity of multiple surgeries and endless stays in the NICU. I can't do that. At a certain point it becomes less about me and my mitzvah and more about this tiny baby coming into the world for a lifetime of pain ahead.

There's no way to know in advance which point on the spectrum the child will land, and it could be different for each child. Back when we were engaged and just learning of all this, we had decided that we would do everything in our power not to get pregnant with a disabled child but that if we did get pregnant naturally, there would be no abortion. Birth control may be a gray area in Judaism, but abortion is nearly black and white. Even if it wasn't, I knew that it's against my own personal belief. I wouldn't be able to handle it mentally and emotionally knowing I was purposely aborting my babies, potentially over and over depending on how many times it took to get pregnant with a healthy baby.

So it bothered my husband that no matter what we do, we may not complete this mitzvah of p'ru urvu and he felt like he can't win. I shared that in my view, we can't win 'em all. They say it takes a village, and in this case I think it can be meant literally. There are 613 mitzvot and we as a tribe can fulfill them all, but there's no way that one person can individually. For example, I said, "I can't be king and you can't be niddah." That's just how the cookie crumbles! Another example I gave was that we have so many friends with only one gender kids - all boys or all girls. They also didn't get the mitzvah point for p'ru urvu because technically they're still missing a gender. It doesn't make their kids any less special or miraculous. At the end of the day they all get married and have their own kids. Everyone fulfills their part and together we get to the 613.

I'm a lot less strict regarding halacha than he is and a lot more laid back about technicalities, so maybe that's why I never feel restricted. There is one thing I feel restricted and that's Survivor. It's my absolute favorite show and I would LOVE to be a contestant on it. But there are too many parts of it that I'm limited by Judaism: Shabbat, tzniut, kashrut, negiah... the list goes on! I would be so good at the strategy and manipulation, I could do puzzles and challenges, make fire, build shelter, find idols, and I would be great at the social aspect of it. But I can't go into a challenge not being able to eat a bug because it's not kosher, or not being able to cast a vote at tribal council because it's Friday night and I'm not supposed to write on Shabbat :) The thought of trying to explain all these limitations to Jeff Probst is hilarious to me. It's a very silly restriction and not really a restriction because I can obviously do without. In short, I don't really feel restricted at all. But I digress.....

I don't care so much about the technicalities of p'ru urvu, possibly because it's not even my mitzvah; it's his responsibility. Even so, I want a baby because I want a child. I understand that he will become a smartass one day and talk back and have tantrums and be expensive and exhausting. I know. I can only imagine how hard it would be, but I also know that the reason I want it can't be described in words.

I was telling my husband I want it all: the bris, the pidyon, the celebration, the parties, etc etc etc. He said not to get our expectations too high because what if there isn't a pidyon and what if we're so disappointed. I said that after all the years of waiting and treatment and then the 9 mos of pregnancy living with heightened anxiety and then surviving the stress of labor, if we are ever zoche to have a healthy baby in our arms, none of that will matter anymore and there is just no way we could be disappointed. I can dream big and hope for the best but we both know that the healthy baby is the important part; everything else is fluff.

IYH soon by us.

Our path

I need to keep remembering that I'm on my own timeline and not to compare to others' journey. I'm specifically talking about someone close to me who got pregnant in June and we would have been due within a week of each other.

I know we have a plan, we have our own timeline, we're working on getting answers. While we're dealing with the ERA, she's working through the challenges of the first trimester: physical symptoms, grappling with the reality of what's to come, telling people and being excited, and so on.

My journey took a different path and I have to remember not to see hers as a constant reminder of what could have been. When my pregnancy didn't progress, I got left behind and I lost a buddy-at-war in the thick of TTC. I know we have people who love us and support us in many ways. I also know that it just wasn't meant to be. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. Gam zu l'tova. We have a new path and we're moving forward with hope.

I try to think of the future in vague terms because things can change in the blink of an eye. One year ago we were just starting treatment. One year from now we could be well past it. Who knows. The only thing I do know is that I can't control the path, only enjoy the ride and do my best to hold on at the twists and turns.

ERA: Baseline

This morning's appointment could have gone better.

Usually when you check in at a baseline appointment they like to verify that you've been financially cleared to start. For some reason, the FET code was put on my file: maybe there is no ERA code? Maybe to ensure that it's an identical protocol? I don't know. Maybe that ensures that bloodwork, ultrasounds, etc. are all following that protocol. If that's how they want to do it, fine. But the cost for a FET is much higher than that for an ERA biopsy and apparently no one mentioned the ERA to the front desk. So the front desk staff kept saying that since I'm there for an FET baseline I owe the entire amount for an FET. I was trying to explain to them that I'm not doing an actual transfer and that a transfer may not even happen for a few months.

They got the financial counselor involved and she was saying that she had emailed me the cost and the date it was due. First of all, no she didn't. All she emailed was the cost for each procedure without a due date, but since this isn't my first rodeo, I know the cost is due at baseline. Second of all, I'm not doing an FET! It was sorted out eventually but it was annoying to deal with, especially since the counselor didn't take me back to an office to discuss it, we were discussing it right up at the front desk. Luckily there weren't many patients at the time and the waiting room was empty, but still. I don't like this counselor. This isn't the first time she's messed with my account (I had an incident with her in February).

Once I was cleared to start, they took me back for blood and the tech couldn't get a draw. One stick - nothing. She went to the other arm, nothing. Second stick back on the first arm - nothing. I had water before coming in that morning but nothing else. She said I should go to the ultrasound first and then come back. I was getting worried because by now it was getting late and I had a 9AM meeting that I didn't want to be late for. I grabbed another cup of water on the way to the ultrasound hoping it might help things with bloodwork.

I went for the ultrasound and the doc came in pretty quickly, but she's like, "Ok so I see you're getting ready for a transfer!" And I had to correct her also - nope, just a biopsy. In the back of my mind I'm trying not to get nervous that not everyone is on the same page because I know they're not going to thaw any embryos by accident.... right? I hope not.

After that I went back to the lab for bloodwork and a different tech was able to get it with one stick. I was out about 5 minutes after that and due to light traffic made it to my meeting with time to spare, leaving enough time to text my husband the ridiculousness of the morning's adventures.

I got the results later this afternoon and we're good to start. I hope the rest of the cycle goes smoothly and is nothing like this morning's appointment.