June 2016

June started out with so much hope and so much promise. It was June 2 that I had my second appointment and started PIO. Five days later we transferred. Three-ish weeks later, here we are. It's been a challenging month.

We experienced, we learned, we grieved, we healed. We've grown. They say whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I don't know that the same holds true for fertility treatment. The failures make you more cautious to raise your expectations again. You dare to imagine, to dream, to hope but it's all more guarded and hesitant.

I received a surprise care package from a friend in another city today. The thought-out gift was put together with love and felt like a big hug. Thank you.

June is over and with it ends the fiscal year. It's as arbitrary as a new calendar year, which people use as a benchmark to make resolutions to better their life, so I can mark this too. It's a line in the sand. For me, I'm ready to move on.  I understand that it may be a long road and I'm ready to look forward to what needs to be done to make this work.

Here's to a happy FY17.

Thankful

I am thankful for my husband.
I am thankful for my family, and nieces and nephews.
I am thankful that I am employed.
I am thankful for my house.
I am thankful I can hear the rain as it washes away today's heat.
I am thankful for Seinfeld and binge watching on Hulu.
I am thankful for Ibuprofen and my heating pad.
I am thankful that people share their stories online and give me hope.
I am thankful I have people in my life that care.

I am thankful we have another shot. 

I am thankful that I am starting to be able to see past the pain. 

I am thankful. 

Results

Bloodwork results came back some time in the afternoon and the voicemail said that HCG is now at negative levels, which I assume means back to zero. This officially closes the chapter on FET #3.

AF started yesterday. It feels like my uterus is mad at me. Period from hell has arrived. Tylenol was helping but cramps have gotten painfully intense and I'm debating upgrading to something stronger.

In prep for the in-person appointment with the doc I requested a copy of my file. I don't care if they think I'm leaving the clinic (I have no plans for that now). I want to see what he sees so we're on the same page.

I want a change of scenery and I really miss the beach. Eff Zika. We don't have friends or family to stay with near the beach so accommodations will be the biggest expense. I have points for flights and I have points for hotels, but for some reason I can't seem to make the two line up in the same city. I don't have the talent of getting great deals at amazing prices. If I try to save money the place is always gross. If we want to go somewhere specific it's going to cost at least $1,000 for just a few nights. I'll keep looking.

Beta #3

Are they even still called betas at this point? I don't know. Another bloodwork appointment. I went in this morning for bloodwork to verify that the hcg levels are continuing to go down. They want to see it back at zero or on its way there.

Over the weekend I had various period-like symptoms and some light spotting, but no AF yet.

I had a dream last night that I went in for bloodwork today and the number came back in the 600s as a surprise to everyone. In the dream, it turned out that the doc read the second beta number of 10.8 wrong and it was actually 108 instead. Supposedly the preg was progressing all along and continued to do so after I stopped taking all the meds once we were informed of the low beta. Even though things were fine with the baby I was mad as hell and I stormed into the office to kick ass and take names. It was a really vivid dream. If only.

The lab tech was really sweet and said she was sorry about the bad news. Even though it made me cry, I appreciated that she took the time to say something instead of ignoring the bad news so as not to confront the awkward. Yes, it's awkward and it's sad but you don't ignore people who go through crap just because it's uncomfortable.

I don't know what news is good news at this point. I don't know what to hope for, so I'm just waiting to hear back from them and we'll take it from there.

My list of questions for the doc grew over the weekend and I've been rehearsing them so that I can have a normal conversation without falling apart. I want him to take a closer look at my case and instead of telling me to just keep transferring, give me some explanation as to why we shouldn't do some further testing to find out if there's an issue. We did it his way. We tried "just continue transferring" after the first fail and after the second fail. It didn't work. Your cookie-cutter protocol may work for a lot of people but it's not working for me. I am a special, one-in-a-million kinda gal and I deserve a customized protocol that will work for me.

Sad

So, so sad.

It breaks my heart to see my husband depressed. He shared the news with his parents last night and couldn't explain why the pregnancy didn't take. The question everybody wants to know is,"Why?" and we just don't have an answer.

It doesn't seem to be getting any easier as the days go by. Especially knowing a period from hell is on its way. I feel like there's a weight on my shoulders and on my heart. It's possible that things seem more bleak now than in previous transfers because we know this transfer progressed to a pregnancy as opposed to just a failed transfer with a negative beta.

I know things will get better. I know we will try again and maybe we'll have success. One day all this may be but a distant memory. But in the meantime we're still living through it. It's still fresh and the heartbreak feels unbearable.

We had an uneventful weekend at home with family and friends visiting. At times we just wanted to be sad and cry but felt the need to put on a brave face for company. No one would have judged us, of course; no one expects us to put on a brave face for them. It was nice to be checked in on and kept distracted and busy. I don't believe it's healthy to wallow.

I started reading Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes. She talks about overcoming fears and purposely going for them even when it's scary. To me, it's scary to think that this isn't the last time this might happen but what's the alternative? Not to try again?

We went into the transfer knowing that failure was a possibility, and braced for the worst news and the heartbreak that comes with it. But when we got the positive result at the first beta, it was such joy, such happiness.

It was a glimpse into the possibilities of the future which gives us just enough hope to keep trying.

Feeling better

I made an appointment for Monday's bloodwork. Even though I usually skip this in person, I also scheduled what's commonly referred to as the WTF appointment to reassess before moving forward. The first available appointment my doc had was July 14. I asked if he was available sooner at a different location and got an appointment for July 5. Just goes to show that you should always ask.

I have been researching and making a list of questions and tests to ask about. Hysteroscopy, ERA, thyroid levels, prolactin levels, Vitamin D, natural FET, transferring more than one embryo, and endo scratch. I'm sure the list will grow by July 5. My husband can't come to the appointment because of work so I'm debating whether to go alone or bring someone with me to have a second set of ears in the room. Maybe my mother will come.

My BMI is within the acceptable range for treatment but from everything I've researched, there's a high correlation with miscarriage and high BMI. Since this is something within my control, I would like to lose 10 lbs before the next transfer. Ironically, I've been so anxious and depressed these past few days that I lost the last three lbs from my previous 10 lb plan. So I'm off to a good start. I'm considering joining the gym again even though I've been ok with exercising at home. Something to consider in the coming days.

I also spoke to my general gyn doctor who I've had as my doc for over twelve years. I love her. She's the best. I called her to bring her up to speed and get her opinion on where things stand. It's been at least a year since I last saw her so I started by giving a quick reminder of our situation and before I could finish the first sentence, she finished it for me. She not only had my chart in front of her but she'd also reviewed it before calling me - how refreshing! So different than my RE.

In short, she said we did "only" three cycles and while it's a bummer that it didn't work out that's no indication that there's anything wrong. For couples trying naturally, they're told to try at least a year (12 times) before assuming there's an issue. Even though we're getting high grade embryos and the chances increase with fertility treatment, they're nowhere near 100% and there's no guarantee of a take-home baby. Logically, I knew this is true but it was helpful to hear it from an experienced professional.

We chatted a little more and she was clear to tell me when things were beyond her expertise (like when I asked her opinion on doing an ERA) which helps me put more credibility on the opinions she does give. It made me feel better to speak with her because she's so professional and patient, even though she's not a generally warm and fuzzy kind of person. While I was on the phone with her I felt like I had her complete attention and that my questions were her top priority at the moment. I hope I graduate from the RE and move on to her soon.

I fell asleep exhausted last night at 7:40 PM and woke up several times at night to cry. I went in to work today because I have a deadline coming up, but everyone pretty much left me alone because they think I'm nursing a migraine hangover. Perfect, worked for me. At about 3:00 PM I started feeling faint, hearing people through a tunnel, really dizzy and nauseous. I realized I hadn't eaten since lunch yesterday and that was barely a string cheese and a banana. Luckily I caught it and ate before fainting. That would have been awkward to explain. I'm tired again and ready for the weekend.

I spent some time cooking for shabbat today and made vegetable lo mein, baked breaded fish, broccoli quiche, and chocolate cake. Then I took out some stress scrubbing the dishes. I'm looking forward to the weekend just being home recuperating and recharging.

Shabbat shalom.

FET #3 Recap

For two glorious weeks post transfer I was pregnant. I felt pregnant. My boobs were sore, there was activity in my uterus in a way unlike I've felt before starting from transfer day. My underarms weren't as sweaty even though we were going through a heat wave and our AC was broken for the first week of the pregnancy.  Things tasted different, they smelled different. I excused these as side effects of the medication, not really believing that it was related to a pregnancy.

I took daily HPTs starting from day 3 and when I saw the faint line on day 5 I knew it worked. The line kept getting darker as the days progressed and I knew that things were fine. The positive line on the HPTs reassured me that things were ok and kept me calm. Friday before Beta #1 was the darkest it ever got, day 10dp6dt. By day 11 it stopped getting darker. By 13 it was the same as 11 but I was going in for bloodwork that morning and felt reassured I'll get an answer either way.

The answer was that by day 13dp6dt my HCG level was at 61.2. It wasn't good news, but there was hope because anything about 50 is considered viable. It wasn't until I spoke to my nurse on Tuesday that I started thinking something might not be ok. My body suddenly felt different. I no longer had the cramps or the sore boobs. I felt... empty. I knew it was different. By day 15 I ran out of test strips which didn't really matter because I knew it was over. I had some light brown discharge and the cramps felt different - more like period cramps, more like outer uterus than inner uterus cramping. I held on to hope because I had to, but I knew. On day 16dp6dt, or 4w3d, I got the results from the second beta that my HCG level dropped to 10.8.

Was it something I did? Was there anything I could have changed? I don't know. I don't think we'll ever know why a pregnancy doesn't take. I lifted a case of water last week, was that it? I got my eyebrows threaded on Friday, did that do it? The clinic said it was ok to have sex after 5dp the transfer but do they really know? Logically I know women do these things in early preg all the time even before knowing they're pregnant and they're fine. I'm concerned because we've transferred three normal healthy strong embryos and none of them have made it. What's going on?

To recap, here are things I did prior to the transfer. I don't know if they helped or not but I know I'll want to remember this for future cycles.

- Worked out regularly every other day, walking 2-4 miles each time in the weeks leading up to transfer and after.

- Ate healthy leading up to transfer day

- Got a massage evening before transfer

- Had pomegranate juice, pineapple, brazil nuts day of transfer and day after. Sporadically thereafter.

- Careful with prenatal pills - took one nightly since a month before transfer

- Kept warm after transfer (AC was broken which helped this one)

I can't believe it's over.

The wait was so hard and so agonizing, and at the time it felt like things were moving so slowly. At the blink of an eye it's all over and we have to start again. We're left to collect the pieces of our shattered hearts and broken dreams.