Happy sad

This morning was one of those crazy ones where you feel like you're being torn in several different directions and want to be everywhere but, alas.... physics. 

The baby was hungry. The toddler woke up grumpy. The husband had done the last feeding at 5 am so wasn't quite functional yet. I was tired last night so I left the kitchen after dinner and dishes and trash needed to be addressed before I could even think of breakfast and packing lunch. At one point I was changing out the trash bag while trying to convince the toddler to go draw something. His response was a sobbing, "I want to color with you" and I realized that, at this moment, that was the priority. He needed love and attention and no amount of piled up dishes was going to make him understand that I was busy. He's not going to care or remember the state of the kitchen but he will remember the feeling of coming to me and having a need met. So we sat together on the floor and before breakfast or coffee, while the kitchen was a disaster, while the baby sucked on a pacifier, we attempted to draw a horse. Within seconds he had forgotten his grumpy mood and was smiling and engaged. Shortly after a neighbor started mowing their lawn (a true gift from above at just the right time) and the toddler settled at the window with breakfast to watch the grass getting cut so I took the opportunity to nurse the baby and get myself dressed. 

It's a juggle. Some of it is the mental juggle in my mind about priorities. Eventually the dishes and trash and even laundry got done, it was just in a different order than I had planned. That's ok. I'm glad that it ended up being a calm morning and a happy toddler was sent off to camp with breakfast in his belly and a packed lunch. 

I found a daycare for the baby and, while tearing up, I paid the deposit. On one hand I'm relieved I finally found a place but on the other hand I don't want to leave him. I'm not ready for maternity leave to end. I'm so sad about having to send him to daycare. While I do somewhat have the desire to be around adults again, I'm imagining sitting in a meeting with my boobs engorged missing my baby while they discuss some boring details about whatever subject. I'm happy and sad. 

Summer

The summer is going by way too fast. I always feel like July 4th marks the beginning of the end of summer. Especially when I start seeing Back-to-School sales.  

I've spent a large chunk of summer in some doctor's office. Between all of our appointments (urgent care and office visits for bronchitis/ear infection/pneumonia/sinus infection/sore throat/abdominal pain, colonoscopy, MRI, physical therapy, postpartum visits, and well-visits) among the four of us, it's been a busy several months. With everyone on the mend I can pause and be grateful for health insurance coverage. I've also spent several weeks dealing with the car after we were rear-ended. Among other things I need to prove disposal of the carseats so I can get reimbursed for the new ones, but how do you prove you disposed of them? 

I've yet to secure childcare for the infant and my maternity leave is over in just a few short weeks. I can't not go to work but the thought of leaving him with someone else all day makes me cry. So I avoid thinking about it. I was on the hunt for a nanny for a while but I don't think that's for me. All the licensed daycares nearby are full and have waiting lists through June 2023. I don't know what my other options are and I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm hoping it will work out. We can't go without my salary and I want to keep my full time status for various reasons including my student loan forgiveness. It shouldn't be this hard and how awful that this is an added stress to add to the postpartum recovery. Most American women are already back at work at this point postpartum so the privilege of still being home isn't lost on me. 

The baby gets cuter every day. He recently started smiling and giggling. Big brother is acclimating well after a really rocky start. I didn't know how hard the transition would be, and no one warned me, from one to two. In considering whether we want a third, it's a definite yes from me but my husband is not yet on board. There are still too many things that need to settle before he can even have the conversation. Maybe a post on this in the future to unpack all the thoughts. 

I'm sick to my stomach about what's happening around the world. Uvalde. Abortion laws. Politics. What is happening. Why is our country such a dumpster fire right now. The only country that keeps having mass shootings. The only country without basic care for people like family leave. Or formula! I had formula shipped in from Israel because it's been so difficult finding it here. We discussed hypothetical scenarios of moving to another country. Not seriously, but who knows. 

In the past few weeks every time I've felt scared or worried or frustrated or lonely I made a donation to a local charity that helps families who can't afford food or their bills. One day soon when the sleep deprivation isn't fogging my brain and I can function properly again then I'll be able to contribute more to society, but for now it's a small token of trying to do my part to add some good in this world. Choose kindness. Choose patience. Choose to be better. It's not always possible or easy, but it's something. It helps me feel a bit better, at least temporarily until the next news cycle.

Tough transition

The transition has been equal parts terrible and wonderful. 

The newborn stage is so fleeting and precious and despite the lack of sleep and pain of recovery I want to savor every moment. Yesterday the baby wasn't interested in being put down so I had him on my chest holding him while he snoozed. The weather was gorgeous and I watched the breeze sway the tree branches outside. The sun was peeking in and out of the clouds as they moved past. I ignored the dishes that needed to be washed and avoided looking at the laundry pile that needed to be folded. I stopped trying to recall when the last time I showered was. It can all wait. The baby's head had a faint smell of soap and I just listened to his coos and grunts, knowing he will not be this tiny for long and trying not to tear up at the thought of him already having outgrown the newborn clothes. I feel like I just took them out of storage. The toddler loves his baby brother and I absolutely adore seeing them interact. 

The toddler has been sick since we got home from the hospital five weeks ago. At first it was a double ear infection. Then it was a lingering cough. Now it's pneumonia and still a very bad cough. I think it's the same bug that's been persistently bothering him that the first dose of abx didn't get. Until this week at no point did he spike a fever or complain. I felt guilty when he was diagnosed because I had no idea. He was energetic, fever free, and totally acting himself until he woke up from nap "really tired" and wouldn't play with any of his toys. I was getting inconclusive results on his temp (98.5 first reading, 100.0 second reading - taken only minutes apart) but decided to get him checked out anyway and rushed to urgent care. He didn't have a fever there either and he was back to his energetic self climbing the walls while waiting for the doctor. The cough keeps him from sleeping so he's on a deficit and other than honey or vicks I don't know how to help him. I hope the second round of abx clears it up soon.

At the same time, I've been sick too. First I was sick with bronchitis. The following week my husband had a cold and as soon as he started feeling better, I got it but what feels like 10x worse. My sinuses feel like they're full of expanding cement and my chest hurts when I cough. My immune system feels so weak and I'm catching everything. We all tested neg for covid multiple times. It's been weeks of constant coughing in my house. 

I'm so sick of being sick. I'm so worried for my babies. I've been wearing a mask to nurse and change the baby so I don't cough directly at him. The toddler was supposed to start camp this week but he's not feeling well enough. We're on our own for childcare and everything feels overwhelming. On top of everything, I'm not getting paid because the HR department messed up the paperwork for the short term disability. All my careful planning was for nothing. I know I'll get back pay once it's settled but that could take weeks or months. It's such an unnecessary stressor at this point on top of everything else but it honestly pales in comparison to how huge everything else feels. 

I just want everyone to feel better. I'm scared and I'm tired. I'm coughing and I'm bleeding. I'm always thirsty and I never know what I want to eat. Praying for a speedy recovery for all of us and a much better continuation of summer than how it started. 

It's a boy!

Our little guy arrived two weeks ago and we are over the moon in love.  I hope to have time to write up a detailed birth story soon. 

The csection took place as scheduled and we were home after three nights. Our toddler stayed with family while we were in the hospital and came home with a cough, red eyes, and a stuffy nose. We got him an immediate PCR and when that tested negative we allowed everyone in the house at the same time.  A few days later I took him to the ped and they confirmed a double ear infection so he started antibiotics. The cough is taking its time and will likely linger for a few more weeks. We tried to keep the newborn out of the way but that was a disaster and complete failure. Trying to keep the baby away from his brother only made him more interesting and trying to divide and conquer between us made the toddler feel severe fomo for whichever parent was with the baby. It took several days to undo the damage those first few days caused. 

My recovery is going as expected. My csec hurts a lot; definitely more than I remember the first time. Nursing is going ok except for the fire nipples every so often. Supplementing with formula when available and freaking out about the shortage. Peeing was a challenge at first because it was so painful to relieve the pressure from my bladder which moved the uterus. A few days home from the hospital I developed a sore throat. I assumed it was what the toddler brought home because I kept testing negative for covid and strep but then it progressed into a deep cough and after a few days of the coughing hurting my cs I went to get it checked out. Turns out I got bronchitis. 

I had lined up a lot of help, knowing the transition would be difficult. I interviewed a night nurse who was supposed to come for several nights a week. I also hired a postpartum doula for the day time hours to help with nursing and further catch up on sleep. The night nurse came one night and was a bust - I'll write more about that when I have time. In short, our philosophies did not align and I didn't invite her back. The doula was a great help the two times she was here but their policy is not to come if anyone in the family has symptoms, since they're working with several families at a time and don't want to spread anything. So first the ear infection, then the bronchitis made it so that she can't come. 

Our oldest is having a tough time with the transition. When I left to the hospital, I left a baby and came back to a feisty, rebellious older brother. He not only feels huge compared to his teeny brother, but his personality has exploded in just a few weeks. He's gone from being the center of our universe to having to share the top two people in his life with not only a new family member but with sleep deprivation and other distractions. It really didn't help that literally the night we left him to go to the hospital he learned to climb out of the crib, so in addition to all the other changes bedtime routine has gone completely to hell. 

I want the baby to grow out of that danger zone where they're so fragile they can't have medicine or can't hold their own head or a fever is an immediate ER trip..... but I don't want to wish this time away. The newborn phase is so special and so quick. I know eventually we'll get to sleep more than two hours at a time. I know eventually I'll have coffee while it's still warm. I know eventually I'll have time again for TV or books or more than just a few minutes at a time of mindless scrolling on my phone. For now... I'm learning how to juggle this incredible new normal.

Still here

Not loving the "you're still here...!" comments from people at work. Yes, I'm still working because we live in a country with no family leave and any time I take off before birth will be shaved off my maternity leave. So every morning I haul my huge, stiff self out of bed to get dressed and get to the office. It's not so bad, but I'm caught up and checked out. So I'm taking a few minutes to write my thoughts and update the registry.

We gave our toddler the book I made explaining what's happening. He likes for us to read it to him a few times in a row. He definitely knows something is up and it was the right call to give it early. He's been very clingy to me lately. Bedtime the other night was difficult because he kept wanting me to come in to fix whatever, and had a meltdown whenever my husband went in. The next night my husband did bedtime and it went much smoother. 

Today we got a call from school that he got bumped on the head and we should watch out for concussion symptoms. I never enjoy the calls from the nurse's office but usually it has to do with another child scratching or a scraped knee. Head injury sounds scary and not something I ever want to deal with, let alone with this great timing. I called the ped, mainly because I'm a type-A-helicopter parent but also for reassurance to help keep me from panicking, and was told to watch him for 24 hours for signs of vomiting or lethargy. I just want to bubble wrap him and keep him safe.

I've been very emotional. Thinking through plans for the coming week, where we have to drop our son off with whoever will care for him while I'm in the hospital makes me instantly tear up. We've never been apart overnight, let alone several nights. I know that I need to hold it together when we drop him off so as not to alarm him. I also know, logically, that he'll be totally fine, and possibly not even remember this. I might also be channeling my anxiety about everything coming up toward this particular worry - hoping everyone is safe and healthy and that everything goes smoothly with an easy recovery. 

We're having a hard time with names. I think the anxiety of not having that finalized is also weighing on me. We had a hard time choosing the toddler's name but once we settled on it we thought it's the greatest name in the world, patted ourselves on the back, and still believe we'll never be able to match or top it. 

Similar symptoms this pregnancy included lack of sleep toward the end (I'm up about 2 hrs every night regardless of what time I go to bed), extras in my nose, emotional, and more anxious. Different this time is how I'm carrying. I feel bigger even though I didn't gain as much (27 lbs last time; 17 lbs this time). Despite the weight gain and carrying big, I think I carry very well and look great for being this far along. My body frame spreads it out and everything is tight and curvy - I take no credit for any of this, it's entirely genetics. As soon as baby is out I'll transition into the deflated balloon look and then need to work hard to get back into some sort of shape. For the time being, enjoying whatever this is going on. I've never had body image issues, and hope I don't start now, but I do hope to be able to commit to some sort of routine because I want to do what I can to be strong and healthy. It all depends on priorities.

I'm in the bathroom constantly this time whereas last time I don't remember it being so bad. Sometimes I'll be sitting in bed, finally comfortable, and baby will move on my bladder making me think it's urgent. When I get to the bathroom there's nothing (mainly because I had just gone) because it's just baby moving around and using my bladder as a trampoline. I also don't remember being this stiff. If I don't move around it's harder to get up. 

I'm not as irritated this time around, but I think that has a lot to do with the weather. Last time I was huge during the height of summer and this time it's been a very mild and chilly spring so I'm not sweating all the time. Could also be because I'm more tired after running around the toddler. Could also be I've matured as an adult and have more patience.... lol jk.

Home stretch

My scheduled c-section was moved. I scheduled it based on my doctor's availability and it turns out the doctor will be taking an emergency trip out of town that day. I found this out at my "last" biophysical appointment earlier this week. Technically I could stay with that date and take whichever doctor is on call but for major surgery I prefer my own if I have the option.

So birth is delayed by 3 days. I'm actually fine with it. I wasn't thrilled with the original date that I was given, even though I know logically it doesn't matter. I had made peace with it and planned accordingly. This time around, the date moved closer to the weekend so it puts a few extra bumps in the scheduling because of shabbat - childcare arrangements are different and my husband going back and forth is different. We'll have to figure out all the details. 

I washed some infant clothes and prepared the room. I interviewed a night nurse who will help for a few nights at the beginning. I ordered a dresser and updated the gift registry. I also made a book with photos for our toddler to help explain what's happening when we're not around. It's basically a powerpoint presentation that I printed out - not very fancy but hopefully will help him with understanding why his parents are suddenly not around for a few days. I'm debating whether to give it to him in advance and read it to him to explain, or have it presented to him the day things are happening. Part of me wants to tell him soon so that he can prepare and ask questions and have time to process; another part of me thinks that he'll be just fine if we don't make a big deal out of it so why bring it up and stir up unnecessary separation anxiety? It's so hard to know in advance. He has been a little more clingy these past few days so I think he is picking up on something going on, even if he doesn't know what. 

My phone charger stopped working and it's taking the phone company excessively long to fix the situation. 

We're doing a little exterior house work. They had to wait until the weather cooperated and since it's been chilly and rainy since February this was the first week they could start. Cutting it close. 

I saw myself on a zoom meeting today. I'm not saying I'm feeling my prettiest these days, but the unflattering angles and lighting on zoom don't help. 

Pesach 2022

We made it through Pesach. I've gotten preps down to a science over the years, doing the basics and getting help wherever I can, but it was still a lot. I paid my cleaning crew extra to do a deep cleaning including the oven and fridge. I ordered some catered trays of food to ease the amount I needed to cook. We limited hosting to just two meals, and declined any invitations because I'm not up to walking anywhere these days. Many family members were traveling out of town and the one that stayed local had tested positive for covid so they were isolating.

There were no days where I was off work and he was off school for me to just crank everything out, and everything takes longer with a toddler trying to help. I hired a neighbor's 11 year old a few times to help us entertain him while I cooked and prepared. My husband helped as much as he could around his work schedule. Chol hamoed was hard with cold and rainy weather. I tried to do an activity every day, trying to stay within budget and considering my limitations for how far I can walk or move.  Somehow we managed to keep him happy, fed, entertained, and occupied for the past 10 days. When he's in a good mood it's a really fun stage; when he's in a less-good mood it can be really challenging to stay patient. We're lucky that he's generally well-behaved. As much as we love spending time with him and enjoy his energy and newfound independence and curiosity for everything, I find myself breathing a sigh of relief at bedtime when he finally falls asleep and we have some quiet... then I miss him. 

We're still on weekly appointments. I'm up 12 lbs from transfer date but look huge. People are visibly uncomfortable when I bend down to pick something up, or get up from a sitting position. For the most part I feel ok, just a lot of tightness in my lower back. I tried to schedule physical therapy but everyone was booked. I ended up getting a prenatal massage and it was just ok - didn't release any tension in my lower back and wasn't as good as a usual massage. Maybe it was just not a good therapist.

We know it's getting close but are having trouble wrapping our mind around it. I need to install the infant car seat, pull some newborn clothes out of storage to wash, and get the room ready. I think I needed to get past Pesach first to be able to mentally make the shift. On one hand we barely had anything set up for the first (because we were so superstitious) and it was fine; on the other hand I know things will transition more smoothly if we prepare in advance before we're sleep deprived trying to juggle newborn and toddler.