It's a boy!

Our little guy arrived two weeks ago and we are over the moon in love.  I hope to have time to write up a detailed birth story soon. 

The csection took place as scheduled and we were home after three nights. Our toddler stayed with family while we were in the hospital and came home with a cough, red eyes, and a stuffy nose. We got him an immediate PCR and when that tested negative we allowed everyone in the house at the same time.  A few days later I took him to the ped and they confirmed a double ear infection so he started antibiotics. The cough is taking its time and will likely linger for a few more weeks. We tried to keep the newborn out of the way but that was a disaster and complete failure. Trying to keep the baby away from his brother only made him more interesting and trying to divide and conquer between us made the toddler feel severe fomo for whichever parent was with the baby. It took several days to undo the damage those first few days caused. 

My recovery is going as expected. My csec hurts a lot; definitely more than I remember the first time. Nursing is going ok except for the fire nipples every so often. Supplementing with formula when available and freaking out about the shortage. Peeing was a challenge at first because it was so painful to relieve the pressure from my bladder which moved the uterus. A few days home from the hospital I developed a sore throat. I assumed it was what the toddler brought home because I kept testing negative for covid and strep but then it progressed into a deep cough and after a few days of the coughing hurting my cs I went to get it checked out. Turns out I got bronchitis. 

I had lined up a lot of help, knowing the transition would be difficult. I interviewed a night nurse who was supposed to come for several nights a week. I also hired a postpartum doula for the day time hours to help with nursing and further catch up on sleep. The night nurse came one night and was a bust - I'll write more about that when I have time. In short, our philosophies did not align and I didn't invite her back. The doula was a great help the two times she was here but their policy is not to come if anyone in the family has symptoms, since they're working with several families at a time and don't want to spread anything. So first the ear infection, then the bronchitis made it so that she can't come. 

Our oldest is having a tough time with the transition. When I left to the hospital, I left a baby and came back to a feisty, rebellious older brother. He not only feels huge compared to his teeny brother, but his personality has exploded in just a few weeks. He's gone from being the center of our universe to having to share the top two people in his life with not only a new family member but with sleep deprivation and other distractions. It really didn't help that literally the night we left him to go to the hospital he learned to climb out of the crib, so in addition to all the other changes bedtime routine has gone completely to hell. 

I want the baby to grow out of that danger zone where they're so fragile they can't have medicine or can't hold their own head or a fever is an immediate ER trip..... but I don't want to wish this time away. The newborn phase is so special and so quick. I know eventually we'll get to sleep more than two hours at a time. I know eventually I'll have coffee while it's still warm. I know eventually I'll have time again for TV or books or more than just a few minutes at a time of mindless scrolling on my phone. For now... I'm learning how to juggle this incredible new normal.

Still here

Not loving the "you're still here...!" comments from people at work. Yes, I'm still working because we live in a country with no family leave and any time I take off before birth will be shaved off my maternity leave. So every morning I haul my huge, stiff self out of bed to get dressed and get to the office. It's not so bad, but I'm caught up and checked out. So I'm taking a few minutes to write my thoughts and update the registry.

We gave our toddler the book I made explaining what's happening. He likes for us to read it to him a few times in a row. He definitely knows something is up and it was the right call to give it early. He's been very clingy to me lately. Bedtime the other night was difficult because he kept wanting me to come in to fix whatever, and had a meltdown whenever my husband went in. The next night my husband did bedtime and it went much smoother. 

Today we got a call from school that he got bumped on the head and we should watch out for concussion symptoms. I never enjoy the calls from the nurse's office but usually it has to do with another child scratching or a scraped knee. Head injury sounds scary and not something I ever want to deal with, let alone with this great timing. I called the ped, mainly because I'm a type-A-helicopter parent but also for reassurance to help keep me from panicking, and was told to watch him for 24 hours for signs of vomiting or lethargy. I just want to bubble wrap him and keep him safe.

I've been very emotional. Thinking through plans for the coming week, where we have to drop our son off with whoever will care for him while I'm in the hospital makes me instantly tear up. We've never been apart overnight, let alone several nights. I know that I need to hold it together when we drop him off so as not to alarm him. I also know, logically, that he'll be totally fine, and possibly not even remember this. I might also be channeling my anxiety about everything coming up toward this particular worry - hoping everyone is safe and healthy and that everything goes smoothly with an easy recovery. 

We're having a hard time with names. I think the anxiety of not having that finalized is also weighing on me. We had a hard time choosing the toddler's name but once we settled on it we thought it's the greatest name in the world, patted ourselves on the back, and still believe we'll never be able to match or top it. 

Similar symptoms this pregnancy included lack of sleep toward the end (I'm up about 2 hrs every night regardless of what time I go to bed), extras in my nose, emotional, and more anxious. Different this time is how I'm carrying. I feel bigger even though I didn't gain as much (27 lbs last time; 17 lbs this time). Despite the weight gain and carrying big, I think I carry very well and look great for being this far along. My body frame spreads it out and everything is tight and curvy - I take no credit for any of this, it's entirely genetics. As soon as baby is out I'll transition into the deflated balloon look and then need to work hard to get back into some sort of shape. For the time being, enjoying whatever this is going on. I've never had body image issues, and hope I don't start now, but I do hope to be able to commit to some sort of routine because I want to do what I can to be strong and healthy. It all depends on priorities.

I'm in the bathroom constantly this time whereas last time I don't remember it being so bad. Sometimes I'll be sitting in bed, finally comfortable, and baby will move on my bladder making me think it's urgent. When I get to the bathroom there's nothing (mainly because I had just gone) because it's just baby moving around and using my bladder as a trampoline. I also don't remember being this stiff. If I don't move around it's harder to get up. 

I'm not as irritated this time around, but I think that has a lot to do with the weather. Last time I was huge during the height of summer and this time it's been a very mild and chilly spring so I'm not sweating all the time. Could also be because I'm more tired after running around the toddler. Could also be I've matured as an adult and have more patience.... lol jk.

Home stretch

My scheduled c-section was moved. I scheduled it based on my doctor's availability and it turns out the doctor will be taking an emergency trip out of town that day. I found this out at my "last" biophysical appointment earlier this week. Technically I could stay with that date and take whichever doctor is on call but for major surgery I prefer my own if I have the option.

So birth is delayed by 3 days. I'm actually fine with it. I wasn't thrilled with the original date that I was given, even though I know logically it doesn't matter. I had made peace with it and planned accordingly. This time around, the date moved closer to the weekend so it puts a few extra bumps in the scheduling because of shabbat - childcare arrangements are different and my husband going back and forth is different. We'll have to figure out all the details. 

I washed some infant clothes and prepared the room. I interviewed a night nurse who will help for a few nights at the beginning. I ordered a dresser and updated the gift registry. I also made a book with photos for our toddler to help explain what's happening when we're not around. It's basically a powerpoint presentation that I printed out - not very fancy but hopefully will help him with understanding why his parents are suddenly not around for a few days. I'm debating whether to give it to him in advance and read it to him to explain, or have it presented to him the day things are happening. Part of me wants to tell him soon so that he can prepare and ask questions and have time to process; another part of me thinks that he'll be just fine if we don't make a big deal out of it so why bring it up and stir up unnecessary separation anxiety? It's so hard to know in advance. He has been a little more clingy these past few days so I think he is picking up on something going on, even if he doesn't know what. 

My phone charger stopped working and it's taking the phone company excessively long to fix the situation. 

We're doing a little exterior house work. They had to wait until the weather cooperated and since it's been chilly and rainy since February this was the first week they could start. Cutting it close. 

I saw myself on a zoom meeting today. I'm not saying I'm feeling my prettiest these days, but the unflattering angles and lighting on zoom don't help. 

Pesach 2022

We made it through Pesach. I've gotten preps down to a science over the years, doing the basics and getting help wherever I can, but it was still a lot. I paid my cleaning crew extra to do a deep cleaning including the oven and fridge. I ordered some catered trays of food to ease the amount I needed to cook. We limited hosting to just two meals, and declined any invitations because I'm not up to walking anywhere these days. Many family members were traveling out of town and the one that stayed local had tested positive for covid so they were isolating.

There were no days where I was off work and he was off school for me to just crank everything out, and everything takes longer with a toddler trying to help. I hired a neighbor's 11 year old a few times to help us entertain him while I cooked and prepared. My husband helped as much as he could around his work schedule. Chol hamoed was hard with cold and rainy weather. I tried to do an activity every day, trying to stay within budget and considering my limitations for how far I can walk or move.  Somehow we managed to keep him happy, fed, entertained, and occupied for the past 10 days. When he's in a good mood it's a really fun stage; when he's in a less-good mood it can be really challenging to stay patient. We're lucky that he's generally well-behaved. As much as we love spending time with him and enjoy his energy and newfound independence and curiosity for everything, I find myself breathing a sigh of relief at bedtime when he finally falls asleep and we have some quiet... then I miss him. 

We're still on weekly appointments. I'm up 12 lbs from transfer date but look huge. People are visibly uncomfortable when I bend down to pick something up, or get up from a sitting position. For the most part I feel ok, just a lot of tightness in my lower back. I tried to schedule physical therapy but everyone was booked. I ended up getting a prenatal massage and it was just ok - didn't release any tension in my lower back and wasn't as good as a usual massage. Maybe it was just not a good therapist.

We know it's getting close but are having trouble wrapping our mind around it. I need to install the infant car seat, pull some newborn clothes out of storage to wash, and get the room ready. I think I needed to get past Pesach first to be able to mentally make the shift. On one hand we barely had anything set up for the first (because we were so superstitious) and it was fine; on the other hand I know things will transition more smoothly if we prepare in advance before we're sleep deprived trying to juggle newborn and toddler. 

Undies

Last week our little guy was sent home from school for being too fussy and just not acting like himself. He developed a fever within 24 hours and we were on a motrin/tylenol loop for the next few days. It's so, so sad when they're sick. All he wanted to do was to snuggle up or rest in his crib which is so different than his usual bouncy, boisterous personality. As I tried to push liquids to keep him hydrated, I barely ate. My last appointment had me at two lbs less than the previous week, for a grand total of +10 for this pregnancy so far. We took him to the ped to get checked out and he tested negative for everything (covid, strep, flu, rsv) so just a random virus. I guess that's what happens when masks come off. 

I had a big project at work completed successfully earlier this week. My original thought was that I'd be able to check out mentally after that was done, but I'm still pretty focused so I'm happy about that. Pesach is around the corner and I'm trying to do something small every day so that it doesn't pile up. Even though I gained less weight this time, I'm carrying very different somehow and I look and feel very large. I accidentally dropped something at work and someone rushed to get it from the floor. It makes people uncomfortable to see me bending or lifting or moving quickly, even though that's basically what life with a toddler is.

We're trying to get a second car. We sold my husband's car back in 2020 when we saw that the "two week wait" wasn't ending any time soon. It was definitely the right decision and I have no regrets about getting rid of it. The car was taking up space, we didn't need it, and we were able to use the profit to pay off debt. Plus we saved two years of insurance payments and maintenance costs. But now the remote-work-gravy-train is over and we need a second vehicle. The car market is completely bonkers, second only to the housing market. I'm having a hard time finding anything for less than $30k, new or used, that will fit our needs. I'm very practical and just want something safe and functional but there is such limited inventory. Been researching toyotas and subarus - should I be looking at different models? I visited a few dealerships and test drove a few cars. I'm really ok with anything, I'm just trying to keep it under a certain price and it seems like that doesn't exist. So I'm dragging my feet and in the meantime we're spending a fortune on Uber. 

My latest complaint is uncomfortable underwear. Nothing fits comfortably. It's fine when I put it on but then sitting or moving or anything just bothers me, and then it makes me in a bad mood. I'm not a fan of going commando and it's getting too warm to keep wearing leggings. Small dose of TMI for the day. 

I still participate in fertility support groups online. I like being able to answer questions regarding halacha (Jewish law) as it pertains to fertility treatments. Not only did I research it and find out the answers when it was relevant to my situation, but I also lived through it for many years. I think it brings comfort to people to know that they're not the only ones with these questions. I always quote my sources and provide relevant links so that they can do additional research if they choose, but most of the time they're just thankful to have a direction to get started.

Shabbat shalom.

32

We're at the point where I'm doing weekly biophysical tests, so ultrasound, NST, and doctor. If the stars align you can get in and out in under 45 minutes but that's rare. The first appointment happened to be at noon because it was scheduled recently and all the schedules were booked so I had a long wait in between and was there nearly 2 hours in the middle of the day. It's a busy week at work and I was frustrated to be stuck there. I was also really annoyed at the NST - I don't remember them being so uncomfortable. Lay in a specific position without moving for at least 20 minutes while this ancient machine tries to pick up information from a squirmy baby trying to avoid the monitor. Whenever I tried adjusting from the uncomfortable position, the signal would get lost. I was stiff and sore by the time it was over and asked to start the petition to switch out that horrible exam table for a lazy boy chair. The technician was also really grating on my nerves because her response to everything was to laugh. What's so funny?! Clearly I was sour and just overall grumpy at having to be there. When I was finally released I took a moment to breathe in my gratitude that it was just a temporary discomfort and that all the results were ok, BH. 

I've gained 12 lbs to date but feel very, very large. Looking back at my post from last pregnancy, I was at +21 lbs at around this time (27 total), but I'm definitely carrying higher this time. I never felt my belly was in the way last time and this time it feels like it's everywhere. Yesterday I felt very snackish but regardless of the mountains of junk food we've accumulated over the past week with Purim, nothing seemed to be appealing. I ended up chopping up a salad with tomato, cucumber, red pepper, olives, and avocado, with a little balsamic vinegar and salt. 

I've been in a mood lately. I was blue about canceled birthday plans. I was disappointed at various things. There's a coworker who I have a hard time seeing every day and when I tried to isolate the reason(s) why, there are just so many so I assume I just don't like this person. I'm emotional about all the changes about to take place. On one hand it feels like time is speeding by and I can't believe my scheduled c-sec is so soon; on the other hand I feel like I've been pregnant with this baby forever since this cycle started in August. I've been having trouble sleeping. Partially because I'm uncomfortable or have to pee, partially because it's harder to calm my mind these days with a lot going on. 

I have a few posts I started and then just left as drafts. Not sure if I wasn't happy with them or just didn't have the mental energy to fully formulate my thoughts, but I'll try to be better about it. I'll end it here and post before I find a hundred things to edit. 

Can of worms

I had an opportunity to talk to my supervisor about my proposed maternity leave plan and I grabbed it! We are nearing the end of a contract with some consultants and I have been picking up where they're leaving off to make sure things continue to run smoothly. Since it's not the type of thing that can just be handed off to someone random, my supervisor will likely take those tasks on while I'm out and I needed to explain the process. I've been doing it a while so for me it's clear and makes sense, but for someone who is just coming into it, it might seem overwhelming. The conversation naturally flowed to timeline - when will I be out, when am I coming back - aka how long does my supervisor need to deal with all this until I come back? 

I mentioned that maternity leave sucks and I would consider starting some part time remote work while I'm on leave to complete my salary. In return, I would want to continue remote part time work through the fall, coming back part time to the office, and retaining my full salary and benefits for the duration. This way I could hire a nanny, offer her a decent multi-month contract, and not have to think about daycare until baby is 6 months or older. 

The response was better than I anticipated. The can of worms has been open and now the idea is out there. I'm glad I had a chance to think it through so that I could articulate the plan. I never mentioned the idea of finding another remote job - I don't think I want that and it really would be a last resort. My supervisor will bring it up to the boss and we'll take it from there. I did mention that I didn't think they would be open to the idea because they were so against working from home during the pandemic. The response to that was that it's different to work from home during leave versus permanently. I don't understand the difference but I didn't argue or push the point. I have a meeting in a few weeks so will follow up if I don't hear back by then.