I love numbers and I can't let this day go by without a shout out. 2/22/22 on a Tuesday! It's fabulous.
Some people wore a tutu to work. I'm sure millions of people got married today. Great day to schedule a c-section. Charmin took it a little too literally about #2 and made a whole poop float with the charmin bears. Check out their instagram if you enjoy pun humor.
I'm glad to see things that aren't virus or war or economy related.
I'm nearing the tail end of the second trimester. About two weeks ago I started getting comments that I "popped" - in other words what I've been thinking about feeling huge is confirmed by everyone around me. Last pregnancy I was in my regular clothes well into my third trimester, whereas this time I really can't wear anything not maternity anymore. The maternity clothes I do have are all for late August and it's still very cold and windy here so I had to buy some new stuff. I feel ok, just heavy and uncomfortable. I try to get up and walk often during the day because I get stiff if I'm in one position too long.
It's a holiday weekend and it seems like everyone is traveling. It makes it feel like spring is just around the corner although I do admit there's some jealousy. We've never been good at prioritizing travel even if it's something we enjoy. There was also rarely spare money for a trip and we'd save for a while before each one. It's not that I don't want to spend the money. It's that there is a finite number of dollars and I try to consider the ROI. For example, a vacation will last a few days, but a backyard upgrade will serve us for several seasons. I worked too hard to dig out of debt and while I'm very much pro saving money to spend it on things that bring you joy, I doubt any vacation we take right now will be very satisfying considering all the limitations. I have a goal of a big trip and I'm saving up for that so at least it's something to look forward to. In the meantime, muting those instagram stories helps.
I'm excited about our own version of adventures coming up. I pray everything goes smoothly and everyone comes home safe. It's different this time around because I have some idea of what to expect. It's also different this time because I'll have more to juggle. There are a few big things coming up before I can really lean in to the brain fog, like preparing for Pesach and a few big projects at work.
Not getting my tubes tied just yet but along the lines of wanting the freedom to travel, I think part of me is wanting to dissociate from the ttc stage of life. I've prioritized family building for the vast majority of the past decade. It feels normal to want to clear some space for something new.
I don't have anything in particular on my mind. I felt like writing so I figured I'll start typing and decide whether to post it after I'm done.
I started playing wordle, like the rest of the universe. Sometimes I'll cheat by going to a scrabble helper website for ideas, but then it's less fun. What's the accomplishment there?
We're in the middle of potty training. It's hard for everyone but he's doing great. Still multiple accidents a day. As long as the teachers are ok with it, I think he'll pick it up soon. I was going to potty train over winter break but I didn't have the mental energy for it, and it turns out a lot of staff was out afterward so it was actually good that we didn't get to it then. We're not worrying about night or nap training yet. We had to learn to be ok with accidents and it takes an infinite amount of patience. We're all still learning.
I need a haircut. Scheduling and going seems like a monumental effort.
Getting bigger. I'm not uncomfortable yet but I notice myself getting short on breath sometimes. Trying to walk while carrying a 30+lb toddler while wearing a double mask might also have something to do with it. Lots of movement. Sometimes I forget and then feel movement. Hormonally all over the place. Sometimes I'll see a picture of our boy when he was a baby and it will bring tears to my eyes because of how cute he is.
Trying to address the feeling yuck (stuck re covid, stuck re job, current news) situation with retail therapy. Looking into buying a swingset and fixing up parts of our yard so we can enjoy the outdoors when the weather gets nicer.
I was rewatching a show that I had seen years ago. I know I've seen it because characters are familiar and even some facial expressions. But I have no idea what the plotline is or how any of the episodes end so it's a great option to rewatch. In one of the episodes a senior FBI agent demands information from her boss who responds with, "...that's above your clearance level. Just do your job!" and it got me thinking. There are times at work when I feel out of the loop and it bothers me that other people are in the know but I find things out through the grapevine, if at all. It's part of the reason I loved working from home - no office gossip and no grapevine. This line in the show was basically an epiphany.... everyone deals with this on some level with their job. It felt very freeing to accept that.
If you've been here a while you know I've talked about the love/hate relationship I have with my job. The pros include time off for holidays (Jewish and legal) and vacations, short commute, and some schedule flexibility. The cons include low salary, no growth, and some coworkers.
The biggest drawback has been the recent rigidity regarding working from home. My job can be done remotely but the head supervisor prefers everyone in the office. Even summer 2020 before vaccines, even during every surge, including this one.
On the flip side, one of the top reasons I stay is because my organization is a qualified employer under the Public Servant Loan Forgiveness program. Which means that after 120 qualifying payments under this program, the balance of my student loan gets forgiven. I have 35 months left which means another three years in the program.
I could switch jobs to another qualified employer - any government or 501(c)3 - but then I think about whatever politics there would be in that place and wonder if the change is worth it vs just waiting it out and starting fresh in the for profit world. In three years we may also be past the ttc/infant stages and I'd be able to focus on proving myself at a new job.
On the other hand, do I want to wait and lose out on the earning potential in the prime of my career? Limited growth now feels like lost opportunity that will compound over the years. My career growth stalled about 5 years ago and been plateaued since.
I thought I don't have time or energy to devote to a side hustle, but I think if it was something I enjoyed (i.e., writing articles or teaching a webinar) I would find the time for it. If I make the effort for that I want to do it because I enjoy it, not because I'm struggling to meet my financial goals.
Young-me made decisions that makes current-me feel like I'm painted into a corner. I recognize that the past few years were very much dedicated to prioritizing fertility treatment and I don't regret that. At the same time I don't want future-me to look back at current-me and think about the things I should have done.
Part of my 2022 list of goals was to learn something new so I'm taking a class on the stock market. The more I learn the more I realize how much my brain was missing that stimulation. The news reports about the Great Resignation is also encouraging because it's telling me that I'm not alone in this thinking - everyone is looking for a change, even if it isn't exactly for the same reasons.
Mixed into all of this is potential maternity leave. I don't want to put my baby in daycare at 11 weeks old again. I definitely don't want to make myself crazy trying to pump again. It was because of the lockdowns and the fact that we were home that I was able to nurse to 15 months. I don't know if I would have lasted with the pumping at work schedule insanity. This time around I want to tell them that I'll be working from home more regularly while still keeping my full time status for the PSLF program. If they don't agree to those terms I want to be in a financial position to give my notice and take the time to find a fully remote position.
I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I had these thoughts on my mind and needed to get them out. It's frustrating to feel stuck. It's gotten to a point where the student loan situation hanging over every decision feels like a ball and chain situation. Someone suggested I speak to a career coach, but what will that person tell me that I don't already know? It basically boils down to whether I want to make a change now or wait until my student loan is forgiven.
Are there other options I haven't considered?
Mornings can be hectic or calm, depending on how much prep I did the night before. On this particular lazy morning I was taking things a bit slow. It was the last day of school and work before winter break; I'd had consecutive early mornings the two days prior; and the boy was happily watching some toddler thing while practicing removing his socks. I was getting dressed while talking to a friend on the phone. We were wrapping up the conversation when I got an alert on my phone: a reminder for a meeting starting in 10 minutes that I had forgotten about. We quickly gather our things, locate the missing socks, get feet in shoes, and are out the door.
We have a fairly short commute and while I was in a rush, I was not speeding. About halfway to our destination, we're almost hit by another car. I was able to swerve out of the way, honk extremely angrily, and be on our way. I was going straight and someone from the other direction was trying to turn right, across from me. The sun was behind me so it's possible there was glare? Or they're a terrible driver? Or distracted? Any of this is possible; I didn't stick around to find out. I just know I had the right of way and am extremely grateful that there wasn't more to that story.
This was followed shortly by a simple drop off and scramble to get to my desk in time for my meeting. I was only a minute behind, and the meeting was on zoom. So I feel like there's a grace period of about 5 minutes anyway.
As I'm settling in, putting my stuff in drawers as my computer boots up, my head is down. When I raise my eyes, a coworker had stuck her head in between the wall and my partition, locked eyes, and said, "Boo!" Maybe it was supposed to be funny or goofy. In my mind, rushing from the morning's adrenaline and with my head focused on the task of logging into that zoom meeting, it caught me completely off guard and FREAKED. ME. OUT. I was so surprised and startled that I couldn't breathe. I didn't know it at the time, but it basically triggered a panic attack. I was silently dry heaving, trying to get air. Meanwhile this coworker looks away to someone else and says, "Oh she loves when I do that haha," not realizing I was in distress. I finally get some air and start sobbing. Just full-on ugly crying and heaving huge gulps of air. People start coming over and I'm trying to tell them to go away because I need space, and I'm not wearing my mask, and I still have this meeting! Someone gets me water and I shoo everyone away to log in. I'm only 3 minutes late to the meeting and it turns out I was first.
Throughout the meeting I kept my mic on mute and tried to take deep breaths. Occasionally I stopped the video to wipe tears and blow my nose. For the most part, and thanks to some low-light filters, no one could tell my face was blotchy. An hour later the meeting was wrapping up and I still wasn't anywhere close to calming down. Every time I thought about it, I would start to tear up again. Clearly in a fragile place. The meeting ended and I left the office. As I was walking out, the offending coworker was like, "Oh please don't be mad!" and I responded: I'm not mad, I just don't feel well. Still crying.
I went home to check my blood pressure. It was pretty high at 150/100. I tried to relax and checked it again - it was fluctuating but still high. Every time I thought about the morning again I got wound up and started to cry again. I debated whether to call the doctor. I knew there was nothing physically wrong but I was having a hard time calming down and it was concerning enough to keep my bp up. I knew I would sound dumb on the phone trying to explain it. I gave it a little more time and then called. They said to come in. They were so busy that I was in the waiting room for about 45 min before they called me back. That may have also been intentional to give my bp time to get back to normal.
Thankfully, by the time I saw the doctor on rotation, blood pressure was fine. They checked out baby's hb and all sounded ok. I'm so glad they squeezed me in and I appreciate that they didn't make me feel stupid for coming in. I knew it was a waste of time but I wasn't able to calm down on my own at home and the reassurance was calming.
Because it was a busy day, being the last one in office before break, I went back to work. That coworker kept trying to make it about herself and I just cut it.
"Do you not want to talk to me?" No, I'm not ready. I'd rather just put it behind us.
"Well can I ask a work question?" Sigh. Sure. Comes over, asks work question, then starts going into it. and I cut it short again - I'd really rather just put it behind us.
Then I put a barrier between our desks so I wouldn't have to see her face. Maybe I was mad. Maybe I was just trying to get through the day without triggering tears again. Before she left for the day she came over again and I was thinking that she's just not going to let this go if I don't get through it. She said her piece, I told her to please not do it again - I don't enjoy surprises in general - and have told her not to do that particular thing in the past. She apologized profusely, said "I never would have done it if I had known you'd react that way." Well no duh. Whatever, over it. Will need time to forgive.
It was the first time for me experiencing something like that - where I couldn't get enough oxygen and just feel the wind knocked out. It also possible that the other pieces of the morning contributed to it and had the sequence of events been different, that wouldn't have affected me as strongly. It started with the smaller fear of being unable to breathe and then escalated to a bigger fear of 'is my baby ok?' when I realized I wasn't breathing. The whole thing was seconds long but in your mind it feels like forever.
When discussing the incident with my husband I remembered that at 19w last time I also had an incident where I tripped on a loose brick during a family bbq. I fell with a glass bowl in my hand which shattered and got shards in my fingers. Good times.