As the war in Israel presses on, we continue praying for the immediate release of our hostages. On day 438, there are trickles of news about a possible deal. We're holding on to any thread of hope. The hostages, soldiers, and Israelis are constantly on my mind while trying to navigate our daily lives here.
I had an appointment with my new doctor yesterday. My previous doctor, the one I love and the one who helped us build our family until now, has announced she's leaving my clinic and transferring all her patients. We had met briefly before my 40th birthday when I panicked about my age but not yet ready to transfer then. At the time she reassured me we had time because the clinic takes patients up to age 55.
When I got the announcement about her move a few months ago I immediately got on my doctor's schedule for one last consultation. Not only to make sure my protocol is documented for the next doctor but also so that I understand it.
So yesterday I reviewed my protocol with the new doctor. She's a "measure twice, cut once" kind of personality so I think we'll get along well. She mentioned how strange it is that they couldn't get the cervix open at the last procedure. We decided together to repeat the mock transfer, even though I had it done within the last year. Partly to confirm that there isn't anything new there to address, and mainly to make sure we're not stuck at an actual transfer with an embryo that has no method of getting in. I'm scheduled to repeat the mock this week. Once that's done, the only thing left is to order medication and decide if we want to proceed.
We're still dealing with a lot. A lot. But at the same time I think we both realize we can't put our lives on hold forever because of the other things happening.
There are long-term decisions that feel impossible to make until this transfer happens, almost regardless of the outcome. The TTC phase of our lives feels like an unfinished story, and we can’t fully move on to the next chapter until it’s complete.
The majority of the past decade was focused on building our family, and now that we’re transitioning out of that mindset, new questions and considerations are bubbling to the surface. Every day since October 7 I've been re-evaluating everything in my life: my career, where we live, how we want to raise our kids, where we feel most safe. More than just living with "no regrets," life is short and I want to make the most of the time we have with thoughtful and intentional steps toward our future and our kids future.