Day 329

Today is the 329th day since October 7, 2023. The war in Israel continues, with hostages remaining captive in truly horrific conditions. How is it possible that life goes on as normal while this nightmarish reality unfolds just a few miles from their homes? For the rest of us over here, every happiness, every success, and every milestone in life is overshadowed by the reality that the world has accepted evil and continues to live with it. We continue to pray for the IDF soldiers fighting to keep Israel safe, and the speedy return of the hostages, alive, back to their families. This is a heartbreaking video of family members shouting their loved one's names at the border; it's impossible to watch without crying.

Life keeps moving forward, both as a blessing and a challenge during this difficult time. Thankfully, the kids have started school. The last few weeks of summer after camp ended were rough—there was no structure, and we were just getting through each day until bedtime. They are a joy and a blessing and I'm grateful every day for them.

We're still dealing with our personal home life challenge of getting a special needs adult set up to get into a group home. To say it's been a challenge is an understatement. There's frustration at why this is so hard and taking so long. There's guilt in having my time split away from my kids. There's exhaustion at trying to juggle it all while working full time. As a stress-eater, I've put on over 10 lbs this past year. On top of being emotionally and mentally drained, I'm also not feeling or looking my best physically because of the extra weight. I'm hoping something will give soon so that we can move the process forward and be the first pickle to get everything else on the right path.

Day 315

Today is the 315th day since October 7, 2023. The war in Israel, and the hostages still being held captive, are constantly on my mind. I know many Jews feeling the same way, recognizing that there are varying degrees of this feeling depending on how close one is to the situation. For 315 days we've been praying to get our hostages back. There's currently a significant summit happening in Doha and I'm hoping there is some sort of agreement reached that gets the hostages back and doesn't compromise future safety of Israel. 

It's also day 7 of my cycle. I scheduled a mock embryo transfer for today because the results are good for a year and the last one I had was over three years ago. I don't know if we're warming up to the idea of transferring another one, but because this is cycle-dependent and within my control I decided to just get this done. I was a few minutes away from the clinic when I checked my phone for the suite number - it has been a few years. Only then I noticed that the appointment was scheduled for a completely new location. I was early for my appointment but even with the buffer time and speeding and assuming I'd hit no traffic, I would still arrive 5 minutes after the buffer window. Not to mention that it's a new location so I'm unfamiliar with parking and need to find the place and possibly fill out whatever paperwork wasn't done online. I called the office in a mild panic and they rescheduled me for Monday. It's the only day left this cycle they can do it so I had to shift several things on my calendar to make it work.

I could have also just canceled it. Why am I pushing it? I'm not sure. I recognize that doing this now doesn't mean we've decided we're transferring the last embryo. I want to believe that we'll get there, and soon, but know it's not just up to me. 

I also feel that I need to guard my heart. Transferring means that I'm putting out in the universe that "I want another baby." That is the one and only reason to transfer regardless of any other consideration on the pros/cons list. Admitting it means being vulnerable and hoping for the best but knowing it doesn't always end that way, based on too much experience. Transferring with the knowledge that it would be the end of our TTC journey puts extra pressure. 

Even knowing we're still in the process of considering it, I'm worried about delaying the timeline. For starters, my age. But more alarming is the state of the country and where things stand regarding fertility treatment. This article is just one example. For many reasons, I want to transfer and put this chapter behind us, one way or another.