Blue

I've been feeling blue.

Part of it has been due to a rough summer. Constant visits to the doctor for various reasons. Calls from the camp nurse during the day to the point where I can't relax my mind enough to nap during the day regardless of how little sleep I got during the previous night. Feeling trapped indoors due to unbearable heat or  torrential rain or recovering from yet something else. Envy at others' vacation photos at the beach and remote locations. It hasn't been all bad, and it's not that I'm not grateful for the good parts. This is only filtering out one piece of it that has contributed to my mood. I need to remember the converse when scrolling through other people's filtered reality skewed to the positive. 

Part of it is the end of maternity leave and having to transition my baby to daycare where I won't get to see him and hold him all day. It's too soon. I recognize my privilege at having had the first 3 mos together but it's still too soon to try to get into a routine with such a young baby. My first choice didn't happen. My second choice wasn't available. So we're going with plan C and while I'm grateful we have childcare, I'm frustrated at the situation. I'm sure the hormone fluctuations aren't helping.

Part of it is that I don't recognize myself. I don't remember this after my first pregnancy. Even though I didn't retain any extra weight everything is shifted and different. I'm always tired and stiff. My hair has visible streaks of silver. There are lines around my face that don't fade or bounce back as quickly like they used to. There's nothing I can do about aging but I could work on rebuilding muscle tone and getting enough sleep, for starters.

Part of it is feeling disconnected. I have a friend or two I can go out to lunch with. I have a friend I text often as a sounding board to talk out life things. I have one or two mom friends that I can schedule playdates for the toddler. But I don't have a group of friends to invite to a Sunday BBQ or rent a beach house together. Family friends where everyone gets along and can hang out together or independently. TV friendships make it seem so available but how common are those in real life? Do people really stay best friends with their elementary school friends? College friends? Old work mates? Neighbors? And if I haven't forged those connections yet, by my late 30s, am I doomed to a life of passing acquaintances? When everyone broke off into their pandemic pods that's when I started feeling something missing.  Have we just not met yet? Did we meet and I was too young and judgmental to give the relationship a chance? Where are my ride-or-die friends? Where do I start? I need a millennial how-to step by step guide, please and thank you. I would categorize myself as a social introvert or an extrovert wannabe, if those are a thing.

Sometimes when I'm feeling this way I think I need to take big steps to shake things up. Like move to another neighborhood, or change jobs, or get bangs. But I don't know what I want so I don't know what steps to take to get there. I'm too tired to think. 

Happy sad

This morning was one of those crazy ones where you feel like you're being torn in several different directions and want to be everywhere but, alas.... physics. 

The baby was hungry. The toddler woke up grumpy. The husband had done the last feeding at 5 am so wasn't quite functional yet. I was tired last night so I left the kitchen after dinner and dishes and trash needed to be addressed before I could even think of breakfast and packing lunch. At one point I was changing out the trash bag while trying to convince the toddler to go draw something. His response was a sobbing, "I want to color with you" and I realized that, at this moment, that was the priority. He needed love and attention and no amount of piled up dishes was going to make him understand that I was busy. He's not going to care or remember the state of the kitchen but he will remember the feeling of coming to me and having a need met. So we sat together on the floor and before breakfast or coffee, while the kitchen was a disaster, while the baby sucked on a pacifier, we attempted to draw a horse. Within seconds he had forgotten his grumpy mood and was smiling and engaged. Shortly after a neighbor started mowing their lawn (a true gift from above at just the right time) and the toddler settled at the window with breakfast to watch the grass getting cut so I took the opportunity to nurse the baby and get myself dressed. 

It's a juggle. Some of it is the mental juggle in my mind about priorities. Eventually the dishes and trash and even laundry got done, it was just in a different order than I had planned. That's ok. I'm glad that it ended up being a calm morning and a happy toddler was sent off to camp with breakfast in his belly and a packed lunch. 

I found a daycare for the baby and, while tearing up, I paid the deposit. On one hand I'm relieved I finally found a place but on the other hand I don't want to leave him. I'm not ready for maternity leave to end. I'm so sad about having to send him to daycare. While I do somewhat have the desire to be around adults again, I'm imagining sitting in a meeting with my boobs engorged missing my baby while they discuss some boring details about whatever subject. I'm happy and sad. 

Summer

The summer is going by way too fast. I always feel like July 4th marks the beginning of the end of summer. Especially when I start seeing Back-to-School sales.  

I've spent a large chunk of summer in some doctor's office. Between all of our appointments (urgent care and office visits for bronchitis/ear infection/pneumonia/sinus infection/sore throat/abdominal pain, colonoscopy, MRI, physical therapy, postpartum visits, and well-visits) among the four of us, it's been a busy several months. With everyone on the mend I can pause and be grateful for health insurance coverage. I've also spent several weeks dealing with the car after we were rear-ended. Among other things I need to prove disposal of the carseats so I can get reimbursed for the new ones, but how do you prove you disposed of them? 

I've yet to secure childcare for the infant and my maternity leave is over in just a few short weeks. I can't not go to work but the thought of leaving him with someone else all day makes me cry. So I avoid thinking about it. I was on the hunt for a nanny for a while but I don't think that's for me. All the licensed daycares nearby are full and have waiting lists through June 2023. I don't know what my other options are and I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm hoping it will work out. We can't go without my salary and I want to keep my full time status for various reasons including my student loan forgiveness. It shouldn't be this hard and how awful that this is an added stress to add to the postpartum recovery. Most American women are already back at work at this point postpartum so the privilege of still being home isn't lost on me. 

The baby gets cuter every day. He recently started smiling and giggling. Big brother is acclimating well after a really rocky start. I didn't know how hard the transition would be, and no one warned me, from one to two. In considering whether we want a third, it's a definite yes from me but my husband is not yet on board. There are still too many things that need to settle before he can even have the conversation. Maybe a post on this in the future to unpack all the thoughts. 

I'm sick to my stomach about what's happening around the world. Uvalde. Abortion laws. Politics. What is happening. Why is our country such a dumpster fire right now. The only country that keeps having mass shootings. The only country without basic care for people like family leave. Or formula! I had formula shipped in from Israel because it's been so difficult finding it here. We discussed hypothetical scenarios of moving to another country. Not seriously, but who knows. 

In the past few weeks every time I've felt scared or worried or frustrated or lonely I made a donation to a local charity that helps families who can't afford food or their bills. One day soon when the sleep deprivation isn't fogging my brain and I can function properly again then I'll be able to contribute more to society, but for now it's a small token of trying to do my part to add some good in this world. Choose kindness. Choose patience. Choose to be better. It's not always possible or easy, but it's something. It helps me feel a bit better, at least temporarily until the next news cycle.