It's a boy!

Our little guy arrived two weeks ago and we are over the moon in love.  I hope to have time to write up a detailed birth story soon. 

The csection took place as scheduled and we were home after three nights. Our toddler stayed with family while we were in the hospital and came home with a cough, red eyes, and a stuffy nose. We got him an immediate PCR and when that tested negative we allowed everyone in the house at the same time.  A few days later I took him to the ped and they confirmed a double ear infection so he started antibiotics. The cough is taking its time and will likely linger for a few more weeks. We tried to keep the newborn out of the way but that was a disaster and complete failure. Trying to keep the baby away from his brother only made him more interesting and trying to divide and conquer between us made the toddler feel severe fomo for whichever parent was with the baby. It took several days to undo the damage those first few days caused. 

My recovery is going as expected. My csec hurts a lot; definitely more than I remember the first time. Nursing is going ok except for the fire nipples every so often. Supplementing with formula when available and freaking out about the shortage. Peeing was a challenge at first because it was so painful to relieve the pressure from my bladder which moved the uterus. A few days home from the hospital I developed a sore throat. I assumed it was what the toddler brought home because I kept testing negative for covid and strep but then it progressed into a deep cough and after a few days of the coughing hurting my cs I went to get it checked out. Turns out I got bronchitis. 

I had lined up a lot of help, knowing the transition would be difficult. I interviewed a night nurse who was supposed to come for several nights a week. I also hired a postpartum doula for the day time hours to help with nursing and further catch up on sleep. The night nurse came one night and was a bust - I'll write more about that when I have time. In short, our philosophies did not align and I didn't invite her back. The doula was a great help the two times she was here but their policy is not to come if anyone in the family has symptoms, since they're working with several families at a time and don't want to spread anything. So first the ear infection, then the bronchitis made it so that she can't come. 

Our oldest is having a tough time with the transition. When I left to the hospital, I left a baby and came back to a feisty, rebellious older brother. He not only feels huge compared to his teeny brother, but his personality has exploded in just a few weeks. He's gone from being the center of our universe to having to share the top two people in his life with not only a new family member but with sleep deprivation and other distractions. It really didn't help that literally the night we left him to go to the hospital he learned to climb out of the crib, so in addition to all the other changes bedtime routine has gone completely to hell. 

I want the baby to grow out of that danger zone where they're so fragile they can't have medicine or can't hold their own head or a fever is an immediate ER trip..... but I don't want to wish this time away. The newborn phase is so special and so quick. I know eventually we'll get to sleep more than two hours at a time. I know eventually I'll have coffee while it's still warm. I know eventually I'll have time again for TV or books or more than just a few minutes at a time of mindless scrolling on my phone. For now... I'm learning how to juggle this incredible new normal.

Still here

Not loving the "you're still here...!" comments from people at work. Yes, I'm still working because we live in a country with no family leave and any time I take off before birth will be shaved off my maternity leave. So every morning I haul my huge, stiff self out of bed to get dressed and get to the office. It's not so bad, but I'm caught up and checked out. So I'm taking a few minutes to write my thoughts and update the registry.

We gave our toddler the book I made explaining what's happening. He likes for us to read it to him a few times in a row. He definitely knows something is up and it was the right call to give it early. He's been very clingy to me lately. Bedtime the other night was difficult because he kept wanting me to come in to fix whatever, and had a meltdown whenever my husband went in. The next night my husband did bedtime and it went much smoother. 

Today we got a call from school that he got bumped on the head and we should watch out for concussion symptoms. I never enjoy the calls from the nurse's office but usually it has to do with another child scratching or a scraped knee. Head injury sounds scary and not something I ever want to deal with, let alone with this great timing. I called the ped, mainly because I'm a type-A-helicopter parent but also for reassurance to help keep me from panicking, and was told to watch him for 24 hours for signs of vomiting or lethargy. I just want to bubble wrap him and keep him safe.

I've been very emotional. Thinking through plans for the coming week, where we have to drop our son off with whoever will care for him while I'm in the hospital makes me instantly tear up. We've never been apart overnight, let alone several nights. I know that I need to hold it together when we drop him off so as not to alarm him. I also know, logically, that he'll be totally fine, and possibly not even remember this. I might also be channeling my anxiety about everything coming up toward this particular worry - hoping everyone is safe and healthy and that everything goes smoothly with an easy recovery. 

We're having a hard time with names. I think the anxiety of not having that finalized is also weighing on me. We had a hard time choosing the toddler's name but once we settled on it we thought it's the greatest name in the world, patted ourselves on the back, and still believe we'll never be able to match or top it. 

Similar symptoms this pregnancy included lack of sleep toward the end (I'm up about 2 hrs every night regardless of what time I go to bed), extras in my nose, emotional, and more anxious. Different this time is how I'm carrying. I feel bigger even though I didn't gain as much (27 lbs last time; 17 lbs this time). Despite the weight gain and carrying big, I think I carry very well and look great for being this far along. My body frame spreads it out and everything is tight and curvy - I take no credit for any of this, it's entirely genetics. As soon as baby is out I'll transition into the deflated balloon look and then need to work hard to get back into some sort of shape. For the time being, enjoying whatever this is going on. I've never had body image issues, and hope I don't start now, but I do hope to be able to commit to some sort of routine because I want to do what I can to be strong and healthy. It all depends on priorities.

I'm in the bathroom constantly this time whereas last time I don't remember it being so bad. Sometimes I'll be sitting in bed, finally comfortable, and baby will move on my bladder making me think it's urgent. When I get to the bathroom there's nothing (mainly because I had just gone) because it's just baby moving around and using my bladder as a trampoline. I also don't remember being this stiff. If I don't move around it's harder to get up. 

I'm not as irritated this time around, but I think that has a lot to do with the weather. Last time I was huge during the height of summer and this time it's been a very mild and chilly spring so I'm not sweating all the time. Could also be because I'm more tired after running around the toddler. Could also be I've matured as an adult and have more patience.... lol jk.

Home stretch

My scheduled c-section was moved. I scheduled it based on my doctor's availability and it turns out the doctor will be taking an emergency trip out of town that day. I found this out at my "last" biophysical appointment earlier this week. Technically I could stay with that date and take whichever doctor is on call but for major surgery I prefer my own if I have the option.

So birth is delayed by 3 days. I'm actually fine with it. I wasn't thrilled with the original date that I was given, even though I know logically it doesn't matter. I had made peace with it and planned accordingly. This time around, the date moved closer to the weekend so it puts a few extra bumps in the scheduling because of shabbat - childcare arrangements are different and my husband going back and forth is different. We'll have to figure out all the details. 

I washed some infant clothes and prepared the room. I interviewed a night nurse who will help for a few nights at the beginning. I ordered a dresser and updated the gift registry. I also made a book with photos for our toddler to help explain what's happening when we're not around. It's basically a powerpoint presentation that I printed out - not very fancy but hopefully will help him with understanding why his parents are suddenly not around for a few days. I'm debating whether to give it to him in advance and read it to him to explain, or have it presented to him the day things are happening. Part of me wants to tell him soon so that he can prepare and ask questions and have time to process; another part of me thinks that he'll be just fine if we don't make a big deal out of it so why bring it up and stir up unnecessary separation anxiety? It's so hard to know in advance. He has been a little more clingy these past few days so I think he is picking up on something going on, even if he doesn't know what. 

My phone charger stopped working and it's taking the phone company excessively long to fix the situation. 

We're doing a little exterior house work. They had to wait until the weather cooperated and since it's been chilly and rainy since February this was the first week they could start. Cutting it close. 

I saw myself on a zoom meeting today. I'm not saying I'm feeling my prettiest these days, but the unflattering angles and lighting on zoom don't help.