Thursday thoughts

I don't have anything in particular on my mind. I felt like writing so I figured I'll start typing and decide whether to post it after I'm done. 

I started playing wordle, like the rest of the universe. Sometimes I'll cheat by going to a scrabble helper website for ideas, but then it's less fun. What's the accomplishment there? 

We're in the middle of potty training. It's hard for everyone but he's doing great. Still multiple accidents a day. As long as the teachers are ok with it, I think he'll pick it up soon. I was going to potty train over winter break but I didn't have the mental energy for it, and it turns out a lot of staff was out afterward so it was actually good that we didn't get to it then. We're not worrying about night or nap training yet. We had to learn to be ok with accidents and it takes an infinite amount of patience. We're all still learning. 

I need a haircut. Scheduling and going seems like a monumental effort.  

Getting bigger. I'm not uncomfortable yet but I notice myself getting short on breath sometimes. Trying to walk while carrying a 30+lb toddler while wearing a double mask might also have something to do with it. Lots of movement. Sometimes I forget and then feel movement. Hormonally all over the place. Sometimes I'll see a picture of our boy when he was a baby and it will bring tears to my eyes because of how cute he is. 

Trying to address the feeling yuck (stuck re covid, stuck re job, current news) situation with retail therapy. Looking into buying a swingset and fixing up parts of our yard so we can enjoy the outdoors when the weather gets nicer. 

I was rewatching a show that I had seen years ago. I know I've seen it because characters are familiar and even some facial expressions. But I have no idea what the plotline is or how any of the episodes end so it's a great option to rewatch. In one of the episodes a senior FBI agent demands information from her boss who responds with, "...that's above your clearance level. Just do your job!" and it got me thinking. There are times at work when I feel out of the loop and it bothers me that other people are in the know but I find things out through the grapevine, if at all. It's part of the reason I loved working from home - no office gossip and no grapevine. This line in the show was basically an epiphany.... everyone deals with this on some level with their job. It felt very freeing to accept that. 

Support

A few months ago I connected through a facebook support group with someone looking for advice regarding the two clinics we used. I told her I was happy to chat and let her decide if she wants to contact me. We ended up talking for nearly an hour, answering her questions and sharing my experience. Earlier this week she reached out again, asking if I'd be willing to talk to another friend with the same questions.

At this point in my journey, where my role has shifted and life looks very different, I still feel connected to people who are struggling and want to offer any help I can. I know that it's a delicate balance to hear from someone not currently in it so I try to be sensitive about how I communicate and what information I share. They don't need to hear all the ups and downs of my struggle because they will have their own unique journey; they need to hear what would be helpful to them, which means filtering out anything irrelevant and keeping enough information to be helpful and offer hope.

I think @iwassupposedtohaveababy on instagram does a wonderful job of balancing that sensitivity. It is a virtual supportive space for anyone facing fertility related challenges, mainly geared toward the Jewish community but the content is relevant to anyone struggling.

Job talk

If you've been here a while you know I've talked about the love/hate relationship I have with my job. The pros include time off for holidays (Jewish and legal) and vacations, short commute, and some schedule flexibility. The cons include low salary, no growth, and some coworkers. 

The biggest drawback has been the recent rigidity regarding working from home. My job can be done remotely but the head supervisor prefers everyone in the office. Even summer 2020 before vaccines, even during every surge, including this one. 

On the flip side, one of the top reasons I stay is because my organization is a qualified employer under the Public Servant Loan Forgiveness program. Which means that after 120 qualifying payments under this program, the balance of my student loan gets forgiven. I have 35 months left which means another three years in the program. 

I could switch jobs to another qualified employer - any government or 501(c)3 - but then I think about whatever politics there would be in that place and wonder if the change is worth it vs just waiting it out and starting fresh in the for profit world. In three years we may also be past the ttc/infant stages and I'd be able to focus on proving myself at a new job. 

On the other hand, do I want to wait and lose out on the earning potential in the prime of my career? Limited growth now feels like lost opportunity that will compound over the years.  My career growth  stalled about 5 years ago and been plateaued since. 

I thought I don't have time or energy to devote to a side hustle, but I think if it was something I enjoyed (i.e., writing articles or teaching a webinar) I would find the time for it. If I make the effort for that I want to do it because I enjoy it, not because I'm struggling to meet my financial goals. 

Young-me made decisions that makes current-me feel like I'm painted into a corner. I recognize that the past few years were very much dedicated to prioritizing fertility treatment and I don't regret that. At the same time I don't want future-me to look back at current-me and think about the things I should have done. 

Part of my 2022 list of goals was to learn something new so I'm taking a class on the stock market. The more I learn the more I realize how much my brain was missing that stimulation. The news reports about the Great Resignation is also encouraging because it's telling me that I'm not alone in this thinking - everyone is looking for a change, even if it isn't exactly for the same reasons.

Mixed into all of this is potential maternity leave. I don't want to put my baby in daycare at 11 weeks old again. I definitely don't want to make myself crazy trying to pump again. It was because of the lockdowns and the fact that we were home that I was able to nurse to 15 months. I don't know if I would have lasted with the pumping at work schedule insanity. This time around I want to tell them that I'll be working from home more regularly while still keeping my full time status for the PSLF program. If they don't agree to those terms I want to be in a financial position to give my notice and take the time to find a fully remote position. 

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I had these thoughts on my mind and needed to get them out. It's frustrating to feel stuck. It's gotten to a point where the student loan situation hanging over every decision feels like a ball and chain situation. Someone suggested I speak to a career coach, but what will that person tell me that I don't already know? It basically boils down to whether I want to make a change now or wait until my student loan is forgiven. 

Are there other options I haven't considered?