Farewell 2021

Who knew that we'd be in this position on 12/31/2021. Cases in my state are surging. There are no rapid test kits to be found in stores, but if you know someone who prepared ahead you might be in luck. PCR tests have lines wrapping around the corner. Hospitals are at 92-95% capacity so if someone has a stroke or gets in a car accident they're SOL because a bunch of unvaccinated people on ventilators are taking up all the beds and resources. 

In some ways this feels worse. A year ago we had hope. Hope that a vaccine will be the magic cure that we need to end the pandemic. Hope that it can't possibly last much longer because we have a new administration who can fix it all. Hope that we won't be worrying about this isolation business much longer.

What are we looking forward to now? We're basically relearning how to live with this. I can't even think about summer camp options because in the back of my mind I don't even know if schools are going to be open next week. Case numbers are so high that some schools are holding testing clinics before they'll allow students and staff to return after winter break. There was such a high case number before break that nearly 70% of students were out the day before break - either because they were positive, exposed, or scared.

It's also worse because we're worn down. We're mentally, emotionally, and physically fatigued from all this. Who has the mental stamina to go into this third calendar year with the same vigilance we had at first when we were wiping down our groceries? As I get more desperate for social interaction, for myself and my toddler, my risk tolerance wanes. It always ends up on the side of safety, so we haven't done anything I regret, but I've thought about it.

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This past week school was closed and my husband worked overtime. So I was with the toddler on my own. I was surprised at how many people opted to travel. It was cold and rainy most days but we tried to take the opportunity to go outside whenever we could. Any pocket of time when it was tolerable to be outside we went out: we saw trees, we went to see animals, found parks, went to see some lights, and rode bikes outside. When we were stuck indoors we made cookies, played with toys, did puzzles, discovered play-dough, played music, trashed then cleaned the playroom more times than I can count, and had several occasions of screen time.

I love spending time with him. It was hard but I love every minute with him, watching him grow and learn and explore and test boundaries. Entertaining a toddler is challenging and exhausting, and I understand why preschool is so expensive. A week into break our routine is totally out the window. I was thinking of taking some time to potty train but I don't know if that will happen.

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I reviewed my list of goals for 2021. I completed 3/5 things I wrote down. I didn't get to my goal weight or meet my fitness goal, but to be fair I also put no effort into either. Oops.

I wrote a lot more things on my list for 2022. Some are just things I want to be able to afford; others are financial goals. Some other things on there too like trying to figure out a balance between confidence and humility.

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This blog is 5 years old. It's been a source of comfort and clarity so many times over the years, and the information chronicled here has definitely come in handy.

 
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Wishing us all a very happy, healthy, and safe 2022. Sending lots of love and strength to anyone who  needs it. You're not alone.

Incident

Mornings can be hectic or calm, depending on how much prep I did the night before. On this particular lazy morning I was taking things a bit slow. It was the last day of school and work before winter break; I'd had consecutive early mornings the two days prior; and the boy was happily watching some toddler thing while practicing removing his socks. I was getting dressed while talking to a friend on the phone. We were wrapping up the conversation when I got an alert on my phone: a reminder for a meeting starting in 10 minutes that I had forgotten about. We quickly gather our things, locate the missing socks, get feet in shoes, and are out the door. 

We have a fairly short commute and while I was in a rush, I was not speeding. About halfway to our destination, we're almost hit by another car. I was able to swerve out of the way, honk extremely angrily, and be on our way. I was going straight and someone from the other direction was trying to turn right, across from me. The sun was behind me so it's possible there was glare? Or they're a terrible driver? Or distracted? Any of this is possible; I didn't stick around to find out. I just know I had the right of way and am extremely grateful that there wasn't more to that story. 

This was followed shortly by a simple drop off and scramble to get to my desk in time for my meeting. I was only a minute behind, and the meeting was on zoom. So I feel like there's a grace period of about 5 minutes anyway. 

As I'm settling in, putting my stuff in drawers as my computer boots up, my head is down. When I raise my eyes, a coworker had stuck her head in between the wall and my partition, locked eyes, and said, "Boo!" Maybe it was supposed to be funny or goofy. In my mind, rushing from the morning's adrenaline and with my head focused on the task of logging into that zoom meeting, it caught me completely off guard and FREAKED. ME. OUT.  I was so surprised and startled that I couldn't breathe. I didn't know it at the time, but it basically triggered a panic attack. I was silently dry heaving, trying to get air. Meanwhile this coworker looks away to someone else and says, "Oh she loves when I do that haha," not realizing I was in distress. I finally get some air and start sobbing. Just full-on ugly crying and heaving huge gulps of air. People start coming over and I'm trying to tell them to go away because I need space, and I'm not wearing my mask, and I still have this meeting! Someone gets me water and I shoo everyone away to log in. I'm only 3 minutes late to the meeting and it turns out I was first.

Throughout the meeting I kept my mic on mute and tried to take deep breaths. Occasionally I stopped the video to wipe tears and blow my nose. For the most part, and thanks to some low-light filters, no one could tell my face was blotchy. An hour later the meeting was wrapping up and I still wasn't anywhere close to calming down. Every time I thought about it, I would start to tear up again. Clearly in a fragile place. The meeting ended and I left the office. As I was walking out, the offending coworker was like, "Oh please don't be mad!" and I responded: I'm not mad, I just don't feel well. Still crying.

I went home to check my blood pressure. It was pretty high at 150/100. I tried to relax and checked it again - it was fluctuating but still high. Every time I thought about the morning again I got wound up and started to cry again. I debated whether to call the doctor. I knew there was nothing physically wrong but I was having a hard time calming down and it was concerning enough to keep my bp up. I knew I would sound dumb on the phone trying to explain it. I gave it a little more time and then called. They said to come in. They were so busy that I was in the waiting room for about 45 min before they called me back. That may have also been intentional to give my bp time to get back to normal. 

Thankfully, by the time I saw the doctor on rotation, blood pressure was fine. They checked out baby's hb and all sounded ok. I'm so glad they squeezed me in and I appreciate that they didn't make me feel stupid for coming in. I knew it was a waste of time but I wasn't able to calm down on my own at home and the reassurance was calming. 

Because it was a busy day, being the last one in office before break, I went back to work. That coworker kept trying to make it about herself and I just cut it. 

"Do you not want to talk to me?" No, I'm not ready. I'd rather just put it behind us. 

"Well can I ask a work question?" Sigh. Sure. Comes over, asks work question, then starts going into it. and I cut it short again - I'd really rather just put it behind us. 

Then I put a barrier between our desks so I wouldn't have to see her face. Maybe I was mad. Maybe I was just trying to get through the day without triggering tears again. Before she left for the day she came over again and I was thinking that she's just not going to let this go if I don't get through it. She said her piece, I told her to please not do it again - I don't enjoy surprises in general - and have told her not to do that particular thing in the past. She apologized profusely, said "I never would have done it if I had known you'd react that way." Well no duh. Whatever, over it. Will need time to forgive.

It was the first time for me experiencing something like that - where I couldn't get enough oxygen and just feel the wind knocked out. It also possible that the other pieces of the morning contributed to it and had the sequence of events been different, that wouldn't have affected me as strongly. It started with the smaller fear of being unable to breathe and then escalated to a bigger fear of 'is my baby ok?' when I realized I wasn't breathing. The whole thing was seconds long but in your mind it feels like forever. 

When discussing the incident with my husband I remembered that at 19w last time I also had an incident where I tripped on a loose brick during a family bbq. I fell with a glass bowl in my hand which shattered and got shards in my fingers. Good times.

19w+

I started feeling movement at 18 weeks. They said I'd be able to feel it sooner with this one because I would know what to look for. I think it might be because this one is a lot more active. At my last appointment I was down 5 lbs.

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Here we are again with another surge. I'm sad and upset that we're back here. It's been so long of the same story. There seems no end in sight. We were close. We saw some light at the end of the tunnel. Things were going "back to normal" but with some differences. We were willing to put up with them because it was nearly normal. But now things are shutting down again. For me it was the NY Rockettes canceling the rest of their season that really hit me hard. Not that I had any plans to see it live or be in New York, but the shutting down of an iconic show during its busiest season was reminiscent of the darkest days of the lockdowns.

On the flip side there are the anti-vaxxers who are just not understanding that they're part of the problem. They're in shock that this is still a thing in the media and that the govt is pushing on everyone. I can't understand where they went so wrong in their education; where they went wrong in their way of thinking. I believe they think the same way about vaccinated people. I don't know what needs to happen to fix it. When everything feels so out of control, I have to remember that this is all up to Him and we never had any control at all.

At this point we're basically mitigating risk tolerance; weighing the benefits of the activity vs risk of exposure. School is a priority for everyone's benefit and mental health, so we send him with a mask and a prayer. Playdates outside of his regular circle of friends are out of the question. Playdates otherwise? Not sure. Unnecessary indoor activities are off limits. Outdoor activities are fine but because it's so cold those are far and few between. We try to take advantage of outdoor time that isn't freezing cold or pitch black by 5 pm - there are about 15 min of that every third day. I know it's a challenging time for everyone.

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I got myself a present that brings me a lot of joy. A few years back I started taking pottery classes and really enjoyed them. At the time I did some research online and found several potters I started following on social media. When I got pregnant I had to stop because the spinning wheel made me dizzy. I hope to pick it up again someday soon but in the meantime I kept following the potters online to pick up tips and techniques and see their beautiful art. I recently purchased a [very expensive] mug from one of them and I absolutely love it. I saved it for my first warm drink on Shabbat and have been using it since for everything. It just makes me happy and I'm glad I splurged.

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Happy holidays to all who celebrate. I hope 2022 is a good year for us all.

Smooth

It felt like November took about six months. We started Nov out at a new school. Thanksgiving was really nice. We even started Chanukah. I had another appointment at the obgyn and we settled on a due date. The RE calculates it based on the transfer date but the ob likes to go by lmp. It's only a five day difference.

The 15 week appointment was relatively quick and uneventful, thankfully, only made longer because the office is still missing a person to draw blood so I had to wait for them to decide if a medical assistant was going to attempt or if I should go to a separate lab. I volunteered to go to another lab. I don't need to be anyone's experiment for the day, especially if they're not confident.

There is a lot more time and space between appointments this time around. It's such a back-burner situation compared to the all-encompassing experience of the last one. No complaints. That's fine with me. I'm grateful it's been smooth. There are more aches and pains this time around (jaw? hip? why do those hurt?). My sleeping is different. My pallet still hasn't figured itself out. I'm more distracted by everything else going on to harp on the little things. I still won't go to a nail salon, though. Working on that superstition. 

I sent a gift basket to our RE for Thanksgiving. I don't think we sent anything last time because she was on maternity leave and then I was and then the world shut down and I lost track of things. I can't begin to describe my level of gratitude to her and while anything I gift her or say feels inadequate, it's better than nothing. 

The toddler has a cough. He had a cold a few weeks ago, never any fever, and even after the cold cleared up the cough stayed. I know that's normal for toddlers but I don't like it. We all got negative PCR tests before our small family Thanksgiving gathering. Today I decided it might be time to check in with the ped so waiting to get a call back. I know I'm a worrier but I don't care. The world is scary and I'd rather get told that I wasted time calling and reassurance that this will clear up rather than worry that something is being left untreated. 

I had a conversation at work about my salary. I presented my case for a significant increase. I asked for a 15% raise and got 4%. Better than nothing. At the end of the meeting I shared the news. They don't know yet that I will be advocating for a longer maternity leave and working from home flexibility. I didn't like having to put my 11-week old in daycare last time and I'd like to avoid that if I can. I'll leave that conversation for another time.