Anxiety

This morning was unusually chaotic and it set the tone for the rest of my day.

I read a post about childhood cancer and got into my own head.

I also put the finishing touches on a photo album I've been working on (trying to get one per year). Going through the photos reminded me how isolated and alone we were last year and I felt very triggered, if that's even the right word for it.

In my excitement for the short upcoming week, I thought back to different years Thanksgivings. In the past this was my absolute favorite week of the year. When we started treatment there were some incidents that happened right around Thanksgiving that kind of soured me on it. I don't feel like going through the posts to link back.

While I'm in a different space now, I'm still worried. Anxiety is anxiety, rational or otherwise.

My next appointment is scheduled for next week, purposely after Thanksgiving.

Over 12 weeks

Having a frustrating day. When thinking through who I want to vent to I decided writing was my best option at this point while I figure things out.

The day started with a fight with my husband. I asked him to do something; he forgot; I overreacted; words were exchanged. It happens. Started the day on a sour note. Then a meeting I was looking forward to got postponed. I was supposed to talk to my supervisor about reconsidering my compensation. Having been on a couple interviews, seeing salaries of other employees in similar roles, and doing some market research, I've concluded I should be getting at least 20% more. I'd even settle for half that raise, especially with all the expenses coming up.

My salary was cut during the pandemic and over the summer brought back to where I was two years ago. I wanted to discuss an actual raise and was told to follow up in November. Today was the scheduled meeting and I was told it's "too early to discuss." Why? Because the budget hasn't been set yet. DUH. We were supposed to meet before the budget is set so that it could be worked into it. It wasn't even an email or letting me know in advance. I showed up with my folder full of research and info and was told it's not happening.

I'm so frustrated. It's such a power play and it makes me feel resentful. In all the ways I saw this going (and I played it out several times in my mind while rehearsing), the scenario of getting completely blown off didn't even cross my mind. I came prepared and was psyched to discuss the value I bring to the team and just felt very deflated. I wasn't going to discuss maternity leave today but I definitely have an idea about that as well. The short version is that there's no reason I need to come back full time to the office at 12 weeks postpartum when I've proven I can be an effective employee at home. More on that in another post.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out if it's worth sending an email or putting anything in writing about being disappointed about the meeting being postponed. It's not my style to lie and say I have other offers - that also never works if you're not actually willing to walk away. But I wish I had some leverage. I'm not going to quit and deplete our savings. Even starting a new job at this point doesn't guarantee maternity leave (paid or otherwise). Feeling disappointed and stuck.

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In other news, ten week OB appointment went fine. Took a while, as expected. Since blood pressure is currently ok I only need to go in every 4 weeks. Thyroid is at goal; only baby aspirin and prenatal for now.

We told parents last week and siblings yesterday. Working on figuring out how to break the news to close friends and work. Last time it felt really important to do it in person. This time around I'm trying to figure out why I'm conflicted about using zoom or a text. 

I'm falling asleep by 8 pm some nights, just can't keep my eyes open anymore. It's part of the reason I haven't had time to update. Sunrise to bedtime my hands are occupied trying to get everything around the house done while juggling a curious and energetic toddler. By the time he goes to bed I'm just done and I fall asleep shortly after.  Nausea is still constantly there. The scale has moved down by half a lb in about two weeks but I feel bloated and huge. Minor inconveniences. Grateful to be in this position.