FET 8: CD 18

I've gone in three times this week for monitoring. Yesterday took the longest, by far. Luckily my lead follicle went from 16.6 to 19 mm overnight to make up for the ridiculous wait and I was able to trigger. Transfer is next week and even though they haven't given me the official time "because the OR schedule hasn't come out" yet, I already know since it's an exact number of hours from the trigger based on my last ERA. 

As the excitement builds so does the anxiety. On one hand it feels necessary to protect my heart by not putting too much hope into the transfer. On the other hand I know it will be crushing if it fails regardless of how many safeguards I try to put in place. I'm cautious about being hopeful and at the same time I want to live in the moment.

FET 8: CD 13

 Monitoring uneventful this morning, which in itself is an event. The waiting room was the most crowded I've seen it recently. 

As the tech was setting up, she mentioned an old ultrasound in my file and we chatted about our sons who are around the same age. She shared some tips on where to get some good fall outfits. As I got ready for the doctor I thought about the completely different mindset I have in the waiting rooms these days, compared to pre-2019 before we were successful. The days of repeated losses and sinking hope were very dark. They cast a shadow on every part of my life.

In my mind the current clinic is a place of hope and happiness. I wouldn't go so far as saying that I look forward to the appointments because they are inconvenient and expensive and invasive, but I don't dread them as much as I did in the first clinic. My doctor cares more and it gives the entire experience a different meaning. I hope the positive feelings continue. 

My heart hurts at what's happening in Afghanistan. 

I'm too tired to write more or organize my thoughts or even read this over but I wanted to get this in before the weekend. Shabbat shalom!

FET 8: CD 9

Started the probiotics on Saturday night. It's a 6 day dose so it will be done by the next monitoring appointment.

I took our boy to see some farm animals. Not a lot of people but others with toddlers were there - great outdoor pandemic-friendly activity. I left the stroller in the car to give him a chance to run around and burn some energy. There was a stretch of area between the chickens and the horses covered in gravel and as interesting as the animals were, it's nothing compared to rocks. I let him play with rocks up until he started aiming to taste them - some ick factor but mainly choking hazard. So the next stretch of rocks I carried him. I know I'm carrying a little extra weight and it's even though it's only 8 lbs more than my pre-pregnancy weight, I know it's distributed differently. I was also wearing a fanny pack to be able to have my hands free for such things as catching a rock before it goes down the hatch... A grandmother chasing her own toddler in the rock area saw me as I carried my son and asked if I'm also expecting. I laughed it off and said no. I think she meant it as it's so hot and you're carrying a big boy and if you're also expecting, hats off to you. It didn't bother me immediately but as I thought more about it (my first mistake) it got to me. Later it got me thinking about what I would have said if it was post transfer and I was pupo. Or if it was a confirmed pregnancy but not far enough to be sharing. Lie? Does that jinx it?

We are in the hurry-up-and-wait part of the cycle. As we get closer I feel myself getting more anxious. Part of me is preparing for disappointment because the transfer could fail. Thankfully things are busy and this isn't the only thing on my mind so I'm not grinding all the possible scenarios. I'm on fewer medications this time (no thyroid meds, no blood pressure meds) and so I have to remind myself to take the ones I am on (baby aspirin, prenatal) because it's just not on my mind as much.

I think deep down I was expecting for something to delay this transfer. First it was finances, then it was the probiotics. I could tell them I want to wait to try to lose weight; but I had over a year to lose weight - if it was going to happen it would have. I'm just scared. On one hand I absolutely loved being pregnant. I felt my best physically during that time, even if I was an anxious mess most of it. I absolutely want more children and I am thrilled to have the chance to try again. On the other hand, I'm worried about becoming that anxious mess again. I'm scared of the what-if's, knowing that each pregnancy is its own adventure and anything could happen. I don't know what's going to happen with this pandemic or how it will play out - how do I know that my vaccinations are even still effective without testing for antibodies regularly? Going in for doctors appointments or even potential hospitalization for whatever reasons... what will happen with my family? How can I leave my boy, even if it's for a short hospital visit to have a baby?

I think these are normal thoughts people have and I know I'm not the first one to come up with them. I also know that I don't want the fear of the unknown to get in the way of the good parts of life. We move forward, have faith, and hope for the best. Also eff that lady.

FET 8 prep

In getting ready for a cycle again there were so many forms and checklists to take care of before we could be cleared to start. In one case, as we were nearing the finish line of the marathon of tasks that needed to get done, I noticed a discrepancy. On a final checklist we were supposed to both sign as the intended parents, it had a summary of the protocol we are about to do. The error was in the timing of when my lining is receptive. The number of hours looked off - close to 6 days - when I know for a fact that my ERA results said I need at least 7 days. 

I took out my notes from 2019 and confirmed that I'm right. Then I went back to the blog post where I wrote even more notes, and confirmed again. I contacted the clinic and was told that this is what is in the protocol, but that they'll check with my doctor. Less than an hour later I got a call from my doctor apologizing profusely. It was indeed an error. After the recent ERA mishap, my guard is up and I feel the need to scrutinize everything. It looks like my feelings are justified. There is little else that is really a huge mistake in protocol other than transferring an embryo to a lining known to be pre-receptive. I'm so glad we caught the error now but it worries me to think what else we missed. 

**Lesson 1: Always keep notes

**Lesson 2: Always speak up

In the conversation we went over the protocol again in trying to repeat the 2019 protocol that worked with FET 7. Turns out there was another step missed: I never took the vaginal probiotic. That mistake was on me. I didn't realize it needed to be in the cycle before the transfer cycle. The doctor mentioned it in one of our conversations and then it just slipped my mind. In her opinion that was a deal breaker and she recommended delaying the transfer to do the probiotic this cycle. So... delay? My mind was going 100 miles an hour trying to figure things out. I was very disappointed but not at all unsure about avoiding a gamble with an embryo's success rate. This conversation was happening in the late afternoon while a certain toddler was very eager to go play outside, in the 100 degree heat, and had no patience for this phone call. Meanwhile the doctor was saying, I'm going to look a few things up, give me a minute. So I asked if she wants to call me back and we agreed she would. 

A few minutes later, the scene was completely different. My husband had finished work and took the toddler outside. I sat in the quiet, air-conditioned living room with a paper and pen, ready to figure out our strategy. I felt calm and collected: if this is what needs to happen to give our embryo the best chance possible, then that's what we'll do. No tears; just facts. The doctor calls back as promised. Figured out a timeline. Based on my long cycles we'll do the probiotic as soon as my period is over. If my cycle goes as planned, there will be time. If, for some reason, I ovulate weird then the cycle is scrapped anyway. In either case, it's a go. 

Went in this morning for baseline monitoring. Here we go. 

Womp womp

It took a month for the lab to tell us that there was not enough sample to run the ERA test.

I'm very frustrated. It shouldn't have taken a month to get us that information and we shouldn't have had to run after them for results. There were several mistakes along the way, starting with the original paperwork that didn't check off enough boxes. I remember that painful biopsy and my eyes hurt. Memories of pain or tears of frustration? Some of both.

My doctor is comfortable moving forward with the information we have. I'm scared and worried but I need to place my trust somewhere. What better place than with the doctor who helped us the last time around. I also remind myself that frozen embryos are not babies. Delaying a transfer because we're worried about the outcome doesn't give them a chance. I could biopsy my uterus another year of cycles and I'm not guaranteed to get better or different results. Ultimately there's only so much we can do and after we put in our best effort and do everything in our power, it is up to Him whether the embryo will stick, thrive, grow, and result in a healthy baby.

_ . _ . _ . _ . _

I turned down the job. It wasn't the right fit for me. I know it was the right decision because after that conversation I felt relief, no regret. I'm glad to have had that experience because it sharpened my interview skills and clarified my priorities. There is fear in change but when it's commingled with excitement then you know there's something to it. I'm not sure of the path going forward but I now know I'm more open to change than I originally thought.

_ . _ . _ . _ . _

An old filling needed to be replaced. It took about 20 minutes but I got 3 hours of a numb lip which, in my opinion, is the worst part. Once my tongue was no longer numb I felt a sharp edge. I tried to floss it away. Tried to reason that it will likely smooth out on its own. But after 24 hrs of it bothering me (my tongue keeps going back to check if it's still there - yep, still sharp), I called the dentist for an adjustment. They squeezed me in 45 min before closing with a full waiting room. The dentist couldn't feel what I feel so kept randomly polishing in a variety of angles and no matter how much I tried to explain the location, he wasn't understanding. I could tell he was getting impatient. He said, try that see how it feels. 

What I should have said: "I understand that you're busy and have other patients waiting, and I appreciate that you fit me into the schedule today. It's still bothering me though and I need your help to fix the problem. Can we start by isolating the area to see if we can get on the same page so you know where to smooth it out?" 

Instead, I said: "Okay" and left. And now I'm embarrassed and mad at myself that I didn't push it. It will probably bother me all weekend and I'll call back on Monday and waste more time on it because it should get fixed.

I will likely be looking for a new dentist.

_ . _ . _ . _ . _

I hate that case numbers are going back up. I hate that protections against the virus, like vaccinations and mask-wearing, have become so politicized that people are fighting against them. I recognize people are worried and want to exercise some control in a situation that feels very much out of control. I also recognize that there is so much misinformation circling that it can be difficult to make sense of it. Just because it is 100% clear to me that the vaccines are safe and effective doesn't mean that someone else will take my word for it, or the word of top leading experts, or their own doctors. I think incentivizing people won't work; it's only when things become inconvenient for them (like when work or school mandates it, or it will be a requirement for concerts and events) that more people on the fence will get vaccinated. 

My friend on maternity leave gave notice. She gave birth in June and was supposed to be back to work in a few weeks but because of the virus she decided to stay home with the baby. She is worried about sending her child to daycare with what's happening in the world. Being fortunate enough to be in a position to have that choice is the dream. I love that for her and hope she enjoys time home with baby as much as I did.