Getting ready for IVF 7

Over the holiday my nurse emailed me to let me know she's moving positions and that I'll have to get assigned a new nurse. It took a few days of back and forth but then I involved my doctor and was finally assigned a new nurse. We set a baseline date around my work schedule and I'm working on getting a quote for medication from several different pharmacies.

In the meantime I also started getting information from our new financial counselor. I got us a refund for a portion of the last cycle because we overpaid for something that should have been submitted to insurance. It's crazy how on top of things I have to be - isn't that literally their job? They just don't care how they get paid. If payment comes from insurance great, if it happens to come from our pocket also great. It's a challenge to constantly be on the ball and know that if I miss something then we lose out.

I'm trying to not overthink this cycle. Whatever will be will be. IVF 6 kicked me in the nuts with recovery and results. I'm hoping that an upcoming Jan trip will be enough motivation to keep me happy and energized. Bottom line is that it's a hellish 3 weeks and regardless of results it too shall pass.

So how did we get to this decision? As I was thinking about what we want to do next, I tried figuring out how to do another cycle and another transfer before January. I don't know why that was a deadline in my mind. It's possible because the clinic OR shuts down the last week of December for their yearly scrubbing and they don't start any new cycles leading up to that week. No matter how I sliced it, I couldn't get the calendar to fit both an IVF and a transfer which meant we had to choose one. In the back of my mind I was also thinking that it would be nice to do a trip and take a real break.

My husband's work schedule dictates our vacation schedule and we calculated that it may be possible to take a trip in 2018. The more we talked about it the more we realized how much we both want to go. We decided to try to book a trip for earliest possible time in 2018. With that decision made everything else seemed to fall in place. We knew we didn't want to try to do a transfer before the trip which made it easy to choose the time in Nov/Dec for another retrieval. At this point the bar is set so low that the very least will be that we tried something and didn't waste the time, regardless of the results of the cycle. My office is closed for winter break at the end of December so I'll have a solid week for recovery.

Even though it's only mid-October I asked my new nurse to see if she can schedule the retrieval for early December. It gives me time to get back to some routine first and get my head in the game. It also allows me to take care of several work events between now and then without the stress of the cycle and meds. It also gives me the chance to enjoy the Thanskgiving break. It just makes sense overall. There's not much that we can control when it comes to treatment, but for the things that we can it makes a difference.

Boston

We did a quickie getaway to Boston for a few days. We used points for hotel and flights, so only ended up paying for transportation (Uber and taxis), activities, and food.

The itinerary included a whale watching cruise, guided Freedom Trail tour, self-guided fenway park stroll, and walking around Harvard and along the Charles River. We lucked out with beautiful weather. It was an awesome chance to get a change of scenery without using too many vacation days. We had a great time.

View from the boat, on way to Whale Watching

One way to see things

Street art in the park

Fall foliage

Cafe Eilat

Fluffy clouds

Feeling good

I talked a lot about redoing our bedroom and it finally happened. I bought the furniture we liked at a Labor Day sale knowing it would take a while to ship and it finally arrived. It's spectacular!  The room is still a work in progress but I'm happy to report progress. Next up is lighting, decor, and accessories.

After seeing what the architect came up with, I've decided against renovating the house to add a master bathroom within the current perimeter. Either we'll finish off the basement or we'll do an addition upstairs (or maybe both eventually down the line). I don't want to have tiny rooms and teeny bathrooms and pay out the nose for it. So that's on hold for now.

I've been talking with my new nurse about our next cycle. I'm trying to schedule retrieval around my work schedule. Things are going to get hectic in the next several weeks so I want to see if we can work backwards from mid-December. That gives me enough time to get mentally prepared and enjoy a few more weeks of normalcy. It will also give me a chance to drop the extra holiday pounds.

I've been enjoying our non-treatment break so, so much. It feels amazing to just be regular without discomfort or pain or fluctuating hormones making me crazy. It's incredible to be able to hold my emotions, something really difficult while on medication. It's so nice to be able to plan a few days in advance because I don't have to assume I likely won't feel well.

On one hand I hate having to gear up to get into this again for IVF 7, knowing the hell coming up. I also hate the idea of all the shots coming up for whatever transfers we end up doing, along with all the side effects that come with it. On the other hand, feeling like this makes me happy to know that whatever treatment hell has in store, it's temporary. It will be over eventually. It's not forever. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. I can and will feel normal again, it's just a matter of time and a difficult chapter to get through. The mere idea of all this being "in the past" and having gotten to the other side is exciting.

Over the past few weeks there was a significant change in my attitude: I've been happy and hopeful. I have energy and a spring in my step. I'm not sure what specifically to attribute it to. The break and lack of meds is probably a big factor. I know that the holiday season was incredibly difficult where we were reminded of our childlessness non-stop. At shul, at family gatherings, at holiday celebrations - triggers were everywhere. Before Kol Hanearim this year at Simchat Torah our rabbi read this prayer specifically geared toward couples dealing with infertility. It was special and gut-wrenching at the same time.

So maybe we hit a new low regarding feeling sad that there was only one way to go, which is up. Regardless of the cause, I'm glad to be feeling good and more like myself, making decisions and taking chances on things I may not have otherwise. For the first time in a while I'm looking forward to what's ahead even thought it's still scary and out of my control.

Next

The last days of the holiday were nice. We were home for all the meals and socialized with friends and neighbors in the afternoons. We chilled, relaxed, overate. It was good.

 

The working plan now is a retrieval cycle in Nov/Dec, trip in January, transfer in February. Details to follow.

 

Sukkot

The first days of Sukkot were tough. Our sleepover guests were exhausting and demanded all of our time and energy. I wrote up a whole post of what was difficult about their stay, but even in an anonymous post on an a supposedly nameless blog, it's still the internet where everything is public and permanent. Suffice it to say it was a lot of work and most of it felt unappreciated.

I used shul as an escape, which kind of backfired because that's where all the ladies with pregnancy bellies hang out (apparently) with their beautiful cute little families. There were triggers everywhere.

Over the holiday I received an email from my nurse that she's moving to a new position. This was our third nurse. Even our nurses get to move on from this hellish journey. I'll be assigned to a new nurse once we let them know we're off our break and decide what we want to do next.

We still don't know what we want to do.  We've been enjoying just being a normal married couple, talking about other things. There are a few days we took off at the end of October to take a quick getaway but we're still undecided about where to go. Florida is our first choice but it's still unclear if they're completely zika-free. We also got the Israel-trip-bug again and we want to see if we can try to make a trip work for 2018. On one hand we want to give treatment the best chance possible and really believe it's priority. On the other hand it's an expensive trip and we're sick of the merry-go-round. I don't want to postpone any treatments because I feel my age ticking but I also don't want to feel like I let life slip by while waiting for results.

I know I'm not the best version of myself these days. I feel drained and exhausted. I feel like I'm surviving, not thriving. Just taking it one day at a time, one hour at a time. I want to make changes to help make things better. Maybe it is worth spending the money on an expensive trip to get change of scenery and a fresh outlook on life.