Goodbye 2016

It's new year's eve and the 8th and final night of Chanukah. It's been an incredible, crazy, and difficult year.

On to 2017 and its adventures.

Gift

I was scrolling through amazon one night a few weeks ago and found a cute necklace so I went to the online shop and saw one that particularly caught my eye: a four-leaf clover where the leaves are each an individual heart decorated with crystals. I sent a link to my husband for his thoughts and then forgot about it, but he remembered and gave it to me as a gift on the fifth night of Chanukah.

To me it's the perfect charm to remember our four tiny embryos that didn't become babies. As a whole, it's a four-leaf clover which according to some traditions is a symbol of good luck. My husband isn't a fan of superstitious lucky charms, but he knew I liked this so instead of getting the necklace in traditional green he got it in purple. It's beautiful and I love it. He gave it to me on a day where I was feeling particularly down and it made me so happy. 

Planning

I can't do a baseline as soon as January starts because it takes time for insurance to be verified. But I can try to fit in the day 3 blood work and the mock transfer as soon as I want.

They won't do actual fertility treatment until authorization is in, but they can do pre-tests if I sign a waiver saying that I understand I'm responsible for payment in case insurance doesn't come through.

My period is technically due this week but since I'm on pills I can try to push it off a week. If pushing off works, then my CD1 will be Jan 2 or 3. I don't remember how many days after stopping pills the full flow starts so I need to make sure to time it correctly so that day 3 doesn't fall out on Saturday. I need to be off pills in order to do day 3 blood but after that I can get back on pills and then schedule the mock transfer for sometime between days 5-12. That puts next period around week of 1/23 so it's possible to still have a January baseline assuming insurance is verified before that.

If I can't push off my period a week (too much breakthrough bleeding) then I'll have to have it this week, then the next one would be mid-January for the two tests, and then have another period, and then baseline would be mid-Feb.

I'm trying not to stress about it either way.

In the past I used to be able to relax between cycles. After each failure we'd have some plan forward and with it renewed hope. I can't seem to relax this time because I don't have any solutions for future transfers. There's no point at which I'll feel like I can just relax.

We're probably going to try the extra meds (anti-inflammatory and blood thinners) in the next transfer, even though all tests point to there being no issues to warrant that. It's something to try so I'm willing to try it. I'm worried about the side effects, especially the potential weight-gain from prednisone.

I'm going to try Medifast for the first few weeks of January. I've thought about using this method to lose weight in the past but dismissed it because it was gross and expensive. That's still true. The difference now is that I'm at the point where I'm willing to try anything. I also want to see fast results. I'm going to try it for three weeks and see how it works out. The plan is to try to stick to the diet until baseline, whenever that is. I feel like baseline and the start of shots are kind of punishment enough that I deserve to go back to salads, fruit, and regular servings of roasted vegetables :)

I've been visiting someone admitted to the hospital at 30 weeks with serious pregnancy complications. It's weird to be in the OB ward. The situation is scary and precarious; I don't wish it on anyone. It still doesn't make it any easier to walk the halls seeing women achieve goals I've yet to accomplish: get pregnant, stay pregnant, deliver a healthy baby and build a family. I'm so over this ttc phase. I just want past it. I want to move on. I want to have my babies and enjoy with all that comes with it. I know it's not all glamorous and I'm not expecting it to be easy, but I want all the crap that comes with the magic of parenting. I want it all. Is that too much to ask?

Happy Chanukah

The holidays are an understandably difficult time for people who want children and don't have any. This is true in any culture. In the Jewish community, life revolves around children. They are the light and life of everything.

We were lucky to spend the first night of Chanukah with extended family. Since the first night landed on Saturday, we lit at home before going out. For the first time in many years we were misty-eyed about our lack of progeny. From there we went to the party where everyone mixed together. Kids, adults, chaos and noise - just family together. It helped cheer us up, and it brought up an important awareness that we know we want children in our future regardless of what path we end up using to get there. We don't want to be the odd childless couple who just kind of happens to be in family photos. We're going to try what we know until either it works or we decide to try something different.

For the first few years of our marriage while we were we young  and struggling financially, we just weren't ready for kids. We postponed starting IVF until we felt we were in a responsible place to bring tiny people into the world. We also had in the back of our minds that IVF was a beast and it took a few years to get mentally prepared for it. So during that time it never bothered us that other people had kids and we didn't. We figured that when we were ready, we would do IVF and just start popping them out. It never occurred to us that we'd still be trying two years in. It never occurred to me that I'd get pregnant twice and lose both pregnancies.

I used to regret not having started treatment sooner. That if only we had started sooner I'd have more of an edge somehow. But I've since come to the acceptance that things happen when they need to happen. And if that's the case, then if we would have started sooner, perhaps we'd just be in this ttc phase longer. For some reason I may never understand, maybe we weren't supposed to have children until now. I can only hope the future holds a different story.

For all those who celebrate, Happy Chanukah and/or Merry Christmas. May you have a beautiful holiday with family, friends, love, and light.

Countdown to the future

As December comes to a close I can't help but think back to this time last year. On Dec 15 we got our second negative beta. At the time we didn't know that two more IVFs, two more FETs, and two ERA biopsies were in our future. We didn't know that two chemical pregnancies and the loss of those embryos and hope would be coming up. Would we have changed anything if we'd known?

It was around that time that I realized this will take longer than anticipated and I started searching for support online.

I'm worried about the future, both immediate and distant. I don't know what it holds and that scares me. We had to fill out all the IVF paperwork again (something else that expires yearly) and sign off on the fact that we understand this medication can cause cancer and other ailments. When the tradeoff is having a baby, you take the risks. But we now know it's not a guarantee. They used to say at the clinic that everything is fine and we should just keep transferring. Yet the other day the doctor mentioned something about donor eggs. Donor eggs? What for? We're not there yet, why would you say that? His answer was that he can't possibly imagine what else is going on. He threw it out as as an underhanded comment, not an actual suggestion, but it's a different tune than the "just keep transferring" one he's been singing until now.

We're in trial-and-error phase. It's the suckiest and worst feeling. We're going in to the next IVF knowing that we may not have any embryos to transfer. We know going in that even if we transfer they may not stick. We know going in that a positive pregnancy test doesn't mean you're finally getting your baby. We know going in that failure is possible, almost probable considering our track record.

I've shed countless tears and asked a thousand questions but I still don't have an answer as to why the four transfers failed. I still don't know what will help us achieve a healthy pregnancy. I continue to watch everyone around me grow their families and move on with their lives while we're stuck in this limbo. For who knows how long. It's our own personal hell. Not able to move on, not able to let go.

The funeral for our rabbi was held today. The funeral hall holds about 400 with overflow seating. There were about 600 people there, standing room only. Several people eulogized the rabbi and talked about his life. His greatest joy were his grandchildren and great-grandchildren, even though he's had numerous other accomplishments in his 90+ years. He left behind an entire legacy. What a blessing.

In reflecting back to this time last year, I think ahead to this time next year. We should all be alive and well, but what else will be going on? What does 2017 have in store? There's no way to skip ahead and wikipedia the plot, is there? The suspense is something else. But there's also anticipation. If there's a chance of failure it means there's a chance for success - that's the glass-half-full in me talking. I've lost the confidence but I still have some faith.

May the new year bring us renewed HOPE. Personal peace. Patience. Acceptance for the things beyond our control. Courage and stamina to see this through. Strength and energy to cloak the envy. Lots of laughter and love. Adventure and success. 

For anyone else still in the trenches, I wish for our 2017 to be the best one yet.

Ok, Universe. We get it.

It's funny to think that anything is within our control.

I was stressing about the first earliest baseline appointment, trying to plan a cushion to the things I know may delay us (i.e., insurance). I didn't factor in that in this shitty world of fertility treatment, another maddening perk of being on the failure merry-go-round is having all of your tests expire yearly.

I have to redo day-3 blood work. Both of us need to repeat infectious disease blood work. I need to have another mock transfer between days 5-12. All this unmedicated, leaving a logistical nida nightmare. It was suggested to wait until new insurance is verified, so this can't even happen in the January cycle. Which means the earliest baseline we're looking at is mid-Feb, base-case scenario and no other delays.

This news frustrated me so much. Shortly after, I heard the news that our rabbi passed away. He was in his early 90s and his health declined sharply in recent months, but it was still sudden and unexpected. It was the trigger that got the tears flowing. They weren't far from the surface anyway.

What I'm hearing is that the universe is telling me to work on my patience. There's no point in even trying to rush anything because whatever is supposed to happen will happen. This acceptance is like a tidal wave of relief. 

Just be. Live in the moment. Whatever will happen will happen.

Choices

I've been stressing about the possible options moving forward.

The fact that we don't know what can help means that we're just going with trial and error until something sticks. Nothing we tried worked until now, which means everything else is an option.

I found it helpful to write out all the pros and cons of each option, however minuscule.

The first thing I did was go to pdfcalendar.com and print out a 12 week calendar starting at 1/15. I laid out the potential timelines. Being generous for a cushion in case insurance verification takes a while, I estimated a potential baseline at 1/23. From there, it branches out to several options:

• For a new IVF, we're looking at a potential egg retrieval date at about 2/9 
• If we transfer right after, potential FET 2/15 
• If we wait a cycle, potential FET 4/5 
• For only FET, possible transfer on 2/10 

I kind of hate the idea of a possible timeline that doesn't have a transfer until April. Why April? History has shown that it takes my body about 2.5 weeks after an egg retrieval to get my period. They can't start the FET protocol until after a bleed. Once the period comes, it's back on birth control for three weeks before they start the FET meds. That's approx 7-8 weeks total. So, April. I don't want to wait until April to try again. That's four months away! Pesach starts on 4/10 so I'd have a transfer like a week before? I really don't like that.

We talked about all the options and discussed each one. My husband is more gung ho about doing another IVF now than I am. I'm ok either way but I might also be ok just doing the FET. The arguments for it are that it's better to bank embryos while I'm younger; getting it out of the way, since we'll probably have to do it again if we want more children; sooner we get it done, sooner we can keep trying if FET 5 fails. The argument against it? We've been so focused on thinking several steps ahead, but it hasn't really gotten us anywhere. Maybe I should stop being so greedy about trying to get "more children" and just focus on having one first, one at a time. In thinking back about our past trials to try to bank embryos, after the first IVF cycle where we got two healthy embryos, it took three more cycles until IVF 4 to get any additional healthy embryos. Yes, two back-to-back cycles (#2 and #3) resulted in zero transferable embryos. So even if we do IVF now, there's no guarantee it will results in any additional embryos. There are no guarantees at all in this, part of which is what makes it so frustrating.

In the grand scheme of things, waiting an additional 7 weeks for a transfer is not a big deal. I know that. I can be patient if need be. But if we're waiting that much time before we can transfer and then that transfer fails, it's devastating that we've lost all that time.

And that apprehension about waiting is the truth hitting where it hurts. It's not the time I'm really worried about; it's the fear of another failure. I'm continuing to go through the motions and doing what needs to get done, but I have no faith in the protocols anymore. I don't know if it will work. Maybe ever? I don't know. I'm worried and scared. All we can do is continue to do our part, brace for the worst, and hope for the best.

Follow up and then some

Our follow up appointment this morning went as well as it could. Our doctor is a nice person and says the right things to make us feel comfortable. He tries, but he doesn't have answers. If it were up to him he'd say to just keep everything the same and try over and over doing the same thing until it works. If treatment was painless and free of charge, yeah maybe we'd go that route. But since it's not, I feel the need to research the hell out of our options and try something different if the first things didn't work.

We went over several options. He doesn't seem confident that any of them are our silver bullet, so to speak, but is willing to give anything a try. He was patient and answered all our questions. I never felt rushed or dismissed, but I also didn't feel satisfied that we have exhausted all of our options. Here's a summary of what we talked about:

• Blood thinners, baby aspirin, steroids, and anti-inflammatory medication
• Intralipid therapy
• Weight loss
• Fresh IVF or another transfer
• Hormone levels
• Age
• Next steps

Blood thinners, etc.

According to the doctor, the data isn't conclusive one way or the other. If it does work, there's no way to say this is why. He said side effects are minimal, if any. He said he would do both a bloodthinner and an anti-inflammtory combo. I asked about only using one because of the slight chance of side effects on the baby like cleft palate while on steroids. He'd be ok with doing only one, but his suggestion is if you're already gonna do it, go all in with both.

Intralipid therapy

He says that he wouldn't even know where to recommend going for this. The data is inconclusive and there is no current practice for any of the physicians in the clinic to recommend this. He knows about it but does not believe there is any value to this expensive therapy.

Weight loss

It's not the first time I'm hearing this. There's no way to know if this is a factor or not, but it's within my control (somewhat) and so I'm not dismissing it. I know it's the only thing he can come up with because everything else is testing normal. If I can lose weight I will, but I'm not pushing off treatment for this. 

Fresh or frozen

We have a unique challenge in that we need to have our embryos PGD tested. In a regular IVF cycle where you don't need genetic testing, you get to transfer on the 5th day after the egg reterival because your lining is primed due to the medication. Since we have one remaining embryo already tested, it presents with a few options: 

• Option 1: just do a FET
• Option 2: do a fresh IVF and transfer 6 days after the egg retrieval 
• Option 3: do a fresh IVF and wait a cycle before the FET

I originally went in thinking we'd do option 2, with a fresh IVF and then a transfer as soon as possible. The doctor said that there is a slight chance that the extra estrogen from the stim cycle might cause a decreased chance of success, so I think we might do option 3. I know it's only a slight chance, but regardless of how small, I don't want to risk it. We have some time to decide. 

Hormone levels

I asked the doctor to review all my hormone levels and double check if everything looks good. No anomalies spotted. Thyroid, prolactin, etc. all ok. If there is a problem it's not showing up here. 

Age

I'll be 33 in March. I'm feeling an immense amount of pressure to not only have a child, but also give it a sibling. Nothing we've done to this point got us any closer to that goal. Some people think that they want a baby. I don't just want a baby - I want a big family. Dreaming big, even if it seems greedy.

We talked with the doctor about doing another IVF before another transfer in order to bank some embryos. He seemed confused at first, so I explained that if we want to have more kids then the next transfer we do, if it works (big if) I'd have to take off about two years from treatment, one for the pregnancy and one for breastfeeding/recovery/having an infant to care for at home. If I'm ever lucky enough to take home a baby, I want to enjoy it as much as possible before having to worry about the next one. I said I was worried about my age and that isn't it better to bank some embryos at my current age rather than waiting?  I'm getting ahead of myself, I know. I should probably try to focus on just #1 before anything else. 

He responded that I don't need to worry about that until age 37 or 38, especially since I've been a good responder until now. I'm not sure how much I believe him about that. I get that he's the professional and he's used to seeing women in their 40s trying to get pregnant, but the only thing I have going for me right now is that I'm still relatively young. Why not use it to my advantage if I can bank some now? 

My other thought process is that iyh when we are trying for #2, we'll have a #1 running around. If I don't have to wait, I'd rather get an IVF/egg retrieval out of the way now instead of having to deal with it later with a toddler. Again, I know I'm getting way ahead of myself, but this is part of my thought process. 

Next steps

So now we have to decide what we want to do next. We have so many unanswered questions and too many unknowns. Here's what we do know: 

• We want to continue trying. 
• We have one healthy embryo in the freezer. 
• We know I can get pregnant. Embryo implanted and continued to grow. Therefore we will focus our efforts on keeping a pregnancy rather than implantation issues.
• We know our insurance coverage won't kick in until mid-Jan at the earliest. 
• We know that since insurance won't kick in before my next period is due, we're looking at a late Jan or early Feb cycle.
• We know that we are nearing our lifetime maximum benefits for fertility treatment coverage so a lot of our treatment moving forward may have to be out of pocket at the reduced insurance rate. 
• We know we want to bank more embryos before doing a transfer. 
• We know we want to wait after the IVF to do a transfer.
• We know we have two options for the next transfer: 
• Change nothing
• Add bloodthinner/steroid protocol
• We know that losing weight is an option. 

Based on that information, we will discuss in the coming days what we want to do and take it from there. 

To his credit the doctor is willing to discuss any option. He's seems mildly interested in helping us succeed, but he's a skilled clinician who is professional and efficient at his job. He told us to take our time to think about things and let him know if we have any questions, asking us to include a phone number in our email if we want him to call to discus anything. 

I think the temporary plan now is to wait for my next period, start an IVF cycle late Jan, wait a cycle and transfer in Feb with the bloodthinner etc protocol. In the meantime to try to lose weight. I'll let that pickle for a few days and if it still seems like a good idea and we both still agree then we'll go forward with that.

I'm a little bit over all this. I'm feeling deflated and drained. This last loss really took a lot out of me. I don't have the same hopeful optimism. The fear of failure is so great that instead of calculating due dates after a transfer, I calculate how soon we can try again in case of a loss. I don't think I'll ever have a sense of relief where it relates to pregnancy.

We spent a large portion of our 20s in debt and unemployment due to the 2008 recession and it took us a while to climb out of it. We're now spending the best time of our 30s suffering with infertility. I feel like we were late to bloom and we're wasting the best of our youth just trying to stay afloat. Where did we go wrong? What did we do to deserve this? More importantly, how do we overcome? If not overcome, how do we shift our goals and priorities to still lead happy lives?

I don't have answers. I just have an emptiness. When I start feeling happy a guilt creeps in. I don't know why or what for, but I feel guilty for trying to be happy. Maybe in a way it feels as though being happy invalidates all the sad things we're going through. I think I just need to not rush the time it takes to let things heal.

We talked about going on a trip to try to get a little space and fresh surroundings, but it's the same issue again that comes up. The more money we spend, the less we have for treatment. Our 10 year anniversary is coming up this summer and I've been saving for a major trip for almost 4 years. It now seems like we may need to use those funds for more treatment. It's unfair and it sucks, but I feel like I have to try everything before giving up. I don't want to live with regrets. We will iyh celebrate our anniversary wherever we are together, but there's only a finite window to build a family. I wanted to compromise and have a quickie getaway nearby, but anywhere nearby that's worth traveling to during this season still has zika issues. It feels like we can't win.

I feel like if we just can keep going we can thrive, not just survive.  We just need a little bit of luck to get through this latest rough patch. I also need to remember to learn to enjoy the journey. I feel blessed that we have the opportunity to try again. Our life is currently being made up of these memories and it is what we make it. We are so fortunate to have the things we do - I'm too superstitious to list them here - and I am thankful every day. 

Fine

Physically I'm starting to get back to myself. I have no pain, no bloating, no fatigue, no symptoms at all. For the first time in a while I feel great.

My mental state is different than before. It's not better or worse, just different. This morning I went to a bris/baby naming ceremony and for the first time in as far back as I can remember I didn't cry. Not that I wasn't moved, but I just didn't cry. This is very unusual for me because I tend to cry at everything.

Maybe I'm all cried out? Maybe I've become numb? Maybe our challenges have made me stronger? I wasn't sad or jealous, and I don't think I'm dead inside - I just didn't feel like crying and I made the choice not to. It's a weird feeling to be able to control that. I was looking around the room at the menu and centerpieces and making mental notes of how, if we are ever lucky enough to host one, our celebration would differ. I guess all those times in the past few weeks I felt like crying and couldn't just taught me better control? I don't know.

Looking ahead, I got a price estimate for future treatment from our financial counselor. Our options are to start another IVF or FET with the last embryo. Our appointment with the doc is scheduled for later this week so I hope we have some answers either way. It sounds like we may not be able to start until mid-Jan regardless because they need to verify my new insurance which can take up to 2 weeks. I honestly don't understand why it takes so long since everything is electronic these days and we had to submit our insurance preferences by 11/15 so what takes so long? I have some choice words I'll keep to myself on the subject.

In the meantime we're back to "normal" life, like before treatment. We're on mandatory break and there's nothing we can do now. It's kind of nice. The holidays are coming up and I have winter break to look forward to.

Shabbat shalom!

Remembering

I cleaned out my purse this morning and found the picture the embryologist gave us of our embryo on transfer day, nearly a month ago. I've saved the picture each time we transferred, but for some reason I felt the need to carry it around with me. When we lost the pregnancy I couldn't part with it just yet.

I was thinking of doing something with the four embryo pictures, like framing them or putting them in a book. Is that morbid? It might be a little weird but I want a physical reminder of the babies that may have been, not to mention how much money those photoshoots cost...

I don't think my husband cares either way, but I know some people say that it's a way to harp on the past instead of focusing on the future. What are your thoughts?

FET 4: Last beta

Bloodwork results from today showed hcg back at negative levels. This officially closes the chapter on FET 4. Goodbye forever, tiny embryo.

We're now on break from all treatment until after the year starts.

Envy management

In June, Savannah Guthrie on the TODAY show announced she was expecting her second child. I remember the date because later that day I got a call from my nurse telling me I was pregnant for the very first time in my life. Unfortunately, my pregnancy didn't continue past the week. A few days later Dylan Dreyer on the same show announced her pregnancy.

Fast forward to present day. In the interim 6 months, we went through a chemical pregnancy, two biopsies, and another failed transfer ending in the second chemical pregnancy.  Savannah and Dylan continued to show off their growing bumps daily along with web stories and baby-themed segments. Friday was Savannah's last day at work before going on maternity leave. Both she and Dylan are due in December.

Am I jealous? Probably at least a little bit. It seems like these women have it all: great career they enjoy, seemingly breezy fertility, beautiful wardrobes to get them through their changing bodies, and tons of money to support their growing families.

But in reality, I don't know what's going on behind the curtain. Savannah is going to be 45 at the end of the month, her husband is 48. She'll be in parent teacher conferences through her 50s while other parents same age are celebrating college graduations for their kids. So she's a little late to the game. I don't know what she's going through or what kind of struggles she faces. She's paid to paint a happy picture for the public because it sells ratings. Plus at her age I don't think it's far fetched to believe she had some assistance getting pregnant. Maybe if not the first time, possibly the second. I really can't judge, nor do I want to. Dylan talked on the show about how she and her husband talked about actually not wanting kids in the past. Then she turned 34 and changed her mind so they started trying and ta da! I love her personality and sweet demeanor. I'm jealous that it seemed so easy for her to get and stay pregnant but I don't hold it against her. Different people face different challenges. I only bring this up because their pregnancies are so public and I see them daily when I'm getting ready for work. I honestly wish both of them all the best.

I don't feel that just because I'm going through a tough time other people should too. I strongly believe that each person has their challenge. I have mine and I wouldn't want to trade it with anyone else. I just see that the same things we're struggling with are seemingly so easy for others and I pray for assistance with our path.

For the few weeks I was pregnant none of it bothered me. I didn't care seeing people's baby or sonogram pictures on facebook; I didn't mind taking a stroll and seeing people walking with their strollers; it didn't bother me to see baby bumps everywhere. I figured my time was around the corner - only a few short months until that was me too! It's amazing how much your current situation changes your mindset. And in hindsight, it was glorious to feel so content and at peace even with the constant anxiety simmering on the back burner.

To that end, it was part of the reason the last loss was such a big blow. It wasn't only that it didn't work. It was that we were left with no answers. We have no idea what caused the sudden drop in hcg so we basically have no clear idea of how to fix it.

I've been doing a lot of research and I'm finding out more information about lovenox and prednisone. It sounds like the shots are painful and there are precautions one needs to take while on them. It also sounds like they're an expensive option and insurance doesn't necessarily cover this therapy. Obviously if this is the answer then we'll find a way to make it work. Of course. But we don't know if it's the answer.  It gives me hope to read about people's experiences. One person in particular posted, "After multiple miscarriages, I tried lovenox despite not having any diagnosis that would warrant it and it worked."

It's reassuring to see other people overcoming their fertility issues and having healthy babies.  I need to remember that each person's journey is their own and mine will happen the way it's supposed to regardless of what's going on around me.

It might be the extra research, the fact that the toughest part of period from hell is behind us, or that I got out of PJs for the first time since Thursday (not the same ones; I did shower), but I'm finally starting to feel better. I'm hoping bloodwork and results tomorrow can help us close the chapter on this.

Thanks but no thanks

AF arrived in earnest, 6 days after I stopped all meds. I had painful cramping all day and the period from hell is living up to its reputation.

I'm glad I took Friday off. The mental break helped a lot. I stayed home today too while my husband went to shul. I bought the food for shabbat and we spent a quiet day at home. We talked about all the possible options we know about. We have our questions for the doctor. I hope we're on our way to crawling out of this depression.

In the afternoon some visitors came by. One pulled me aside and offered to be a surrogate. Huh? What?? I was so taken aback. I know it was a genuine offer of help. I know she thought it was an innocent suggestion. It came from a good place. But it really, really upset me.

To the blogger who posted about this a few months ago about a family member offering to be a surrogate, I apologize for not being more offended on your behalf! I didn't understand until now. The more I think about it the angrier it makes me.

I need to focus on healing and getting revved up to do this all again. When I hear a suggestion like that, it makes me think that you've easily given up on me. 

Thinking about surrogacy is a huge, intense decision. It takes deep, meaningful conversations and coming to terms with some serious sacrifices. Women don't turn to surrogacy lightly and to throw it out there is just.... hurtful.

I don't know what our path holds. We may or may not consider different options in the future. For now, that's not where we are. I'm not ungrateful that someone cares enough to offer it; I'm just not in a place where I am ready to hear it.

For the time being, if your opinion is about adoption or surrogacy, please keep those thoughts to yourself.

FET 4: Beta 4

It's the chemical pregnancy that just won't go away. Hcg level this morning was 5.4. Ugh.

In general I'm a pretty positive person so the depression hanging over me is heavily weighing me down. I want to move past this but it's just too soon. The fact that we can't close the chapter doesn't help. I have to go back on Monday to confirm levels go down to zero.

I've been trying to research things to ask the doctor at the next appointment. So far I'm planning to ask about lovonox and prednisone, though I'm seeing a lot of quite horrible side effects of these. What else? I don't know enough to know what to search for.

Spotting has started. I assume AF is right around the corner. Ibuprofen in large quantities is helping. I took off Friday. It was a really long week trying to keep a brave face at work. I need to be able to cry and grieve and sit with my heating pad and think about all the things that suck about this so that I can get it out of my system and move forward.

I know I'm not ready to give up. It's still fresh and actively happening and I already know that I'm willing to go through it again if it means a chance at success. I fully believe that whatever is supposed to happen will happen, and I need to do my part to get there.

I so appreciate the support we've been getting. It's not so much what people say, it's that they care so much. When they say something like, "I wish there was something I could do," it touches my heart to know how much they are invested in our success. Every voicemail, text message, email, or visit is another tether helping us carry this burden, easing the weight off our shoulders little by little. Even if I didn't respond I got it and appreciated it so much.

Time will help heel these wounds. Faith will strengthen us for next time. Hope will keep us going until it's time for our miracle.